dont-be-naive Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Do you mean pre-affair signs? What are the signs? -your spouse all of a sudden being obsessed with their appearance. -change in clothing, wearing sexy items. -lack of sex -spouse will talk about someone they are messing around with, and in my case would badmouth the guy. delaying suspicions. -going out with friends all the time to clubs, bars -going out without spouse more than usual -wanting to plan trips without the spouse -easily irritated by anything you say the list goes on.
carhill Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I'm wondering out loud how normal it is for a 21 year old peer (of the OP) to have had 15 boyfriends; serious enough boyfriends that 'cheating' was an issue.... One suggestion would be to gravitate towards people in stable friendships and relationships. Perhaps that would present a more balanced picture and also one is more likely to meet people for whom infidelity is a non-issue. Do you mean pre-affair signs? What are the signs? IME, emotional distance and reduced sexual activity. I stopped trying to engage my wife, which had been a fruitless effort for some time, and went looking elsewhere. IMO, any marked change in behavior, routine, communication and/or appearance is a sign of something being 'off', whether an affair has begun or not.
sally4sara Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Well you could start by identifying some of the traits that surround cheating and not date people with those traits. Heavy drinking; drug use History of cheating An affinity for the phrase "sex is just an act". People who keep their romantic interests separated from their social circle. People who react to an argument by disappearing for a few days. I'm sure there are more, but these are ones I've noticed run very common.
Author Eve9 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) why would someone need to discuss with someone else why cheating is selfish and cruel? Only reason would be because they don't know its wrong or bad. so whether anyone is smart enough to know whether its bad or wrong, lets look at why you would have to have a conversation with someone as to "why" its selfish and cruel? A couple can talk about why cheating is wrong, even though they already know it is. It's about making sure if they're on the same page on the subject; if they can agree with each other. I'm not saying that one of them has to educate the other. Although, if it does come to that, then fine, it doesn't mean that the person is stupid, it just means that there's a lot more to learn about infidelity than just the basics. Not many people realize how serious, and even dangerous, it is. I'm wondering out loud how normal it is for a 21 year old peer (of the OP) to have had 15 boyfriends; She's 39. Close friend and neighbor. Edited January 18, 2011 by Eve9
Owl Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I'm curious...have you tried to sit down and think through your fear? You seem terrified of the idea, yet have never had a serious relationship...because you're terrified that he might cheat on you. What, SPECIFICALLY, is it that you're afraid of happening/feeling? Why? Why do you really think you've got this huge fear of something you've never faced personally? I know you mentioned watching your friends go through this...but I'm sure you've had friends go through other bad things (car accidents, surgeries, loss of a friend/parent/etc...) and yet you still do those things (like riding in a car, see the doctor, etc...) with no conscious thought of what may happen. Why the focus on THIS particular possibility? There's got to be a reason for that.
Author Eve9 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 I don't know. I think I'm more afraid of being hurt emotionally than physically, like car accidents. But I think it's just because I'm 21 and I never had a boyfriend, and this is something that is worrying me at the moment, because I don't want to grow old and die alone. I may be inexperienced and naive when I start my first relationship with someone, so I would probably be an easy victim of being cheated on. Which scares me. I have a crush on this guy and I would always imagine myself with him, being all happy and all. But if he cheated on me, then I would feel like my heart is being stomped on, so much to the point where I could hardly breathe. I saw episodes of "Cheaters" and the host would show video tapes to the person, videos that shows their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse cheating on them with someone else. And the reaction of the betrayed person was so hard to watch, like I could almost feel their pain. Some of them cried, sobbed, and few even fainted. Just seeing the love of their love, expressing their love with someone else...it must have been incredibly painful and traumatic for them to watch....it's probably one of the most terrible, horrible feeling to experience...then there's a feeling of disgust, that he's been banging some chick, before coming home to you...it's gross...I'm just scared of going through something like that.
What_Next Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 -your spouse all of a sudden being obsessed with their appearance. -change in clothing, wearing sexy items. -lack of sex -spouse will talk about someone they are messing around with, and in my case would badmouth the guy. delaying suspicions. -going out with friends all the time to clubs, bars -going out without spouse more than usual -wanting to plan trips without the spouse -easily irritated by anything you say the list goes on. Yup, and yup, and yup. The bottom line is a drastic change in behavior. Be aware, be vigilent. You can do that WITHOUT mis-trust and snooping also. When you see something that makes you ponder, ask, don't sit back and expect it to fix itself. From my perspective taking each other and your relationship for granted is the largest mistake that many couples make.
confusedinkansas Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I don't know. I think I'm more afraid of being hurt emotionally than physically, like car accidents. But I think it's just because I'm 21 and I never had a boyfriend, and this is something that is worrying me at the moment, because I don't want to grow old and die alone. I may be inexperienced and naive when I start my first relationship with someone, so I would probably be an easy victim of being cheated on. Which scares me. I have a crush on this guy and I would always imagine myself with him, being all happy and all. But if he cheated on me, then I would feel like my heart is being stomped on, so much to the point where I could hardly breathe. I saw episodes of "Cheaters" and the host would show video tapes to the person, videos that shows their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse cheating on them with someone else. And the reaction of the betrayed person was so hard to watch, like I could almost feel their pain. Some of them cried, sobbed, and few even fainted. Just seeing the love of their love, expressing their love with someone else...it must have been incredibly painful and traumatic for them to watch....it's probably one of the most terrible, horrible feeling to experience...then there's a feeling of disgust, that he's been banging some chick, before coming home to you...it's gross...I'm just scared of going through something like that. From what I read on this specific post of yours......... My only advice to you is......... STOP watching Cheaters STOP reading these threads You're making yourself crazy & parinoid over something that may not happen in your life. Everyone in the world is NOT like folks that post here. There are HAPPY marriages!!!! You're VERY young - If you don't get out there & experience relationships you'll be lonely & never know what it's like to be in love.
Owl Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I rarely agree with CIK...but on this particular thread, I most certainly do. Stop feeding your fears. It sounds like you've been feeding them to the point that they're becoming a phobia. Heck...you might seriously consider talking with a therapist on how to cope with them as they stand...but coming to forums like this, and watching shows that reinforce those fears will do you NO good whatsoever.
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