Eve9 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 (edited) I think the MAIN reason why some people cheat on their spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend is because of the lack of communication in their relationship. They don't really talk much about the consequences of infidelity and why it's extremely selfish and cruel. They never seem to discuss anything deeper than "If you cheat on me, I will kill you" (that's a threat, not a communication), but even when they do, they don't talk about it again. The #1 excuse that most cheaters would always say is "my sexual and/or emotional needs weren't being met", and for some oddly strange reason, discussing their unfulfilled needs with their SO never seem to cross their stupid little minds. They seem to think that cheating is the ONLY option. Why is that? Why do they think that having an affair with someone else is gonna help their marriage in any way? This just proves that there were hardly any COMMUNICATION and HONESTY in their relationship. Having both of these attributes will guarantee you a successful marriage. That's right, I'm using the word "guarantee". It just has to be dammit. Please correct me if I'm wrong. I'm 21 and I never had a boyfriend before because I'm terrified of being cheated on. But I decided to take a risk and start dating. Although before I do that, I need to prepare myself by learning about infidelity and if there are many ways to prevent that. My other problem is poor judgement. It worries me that even if I start dating a guy who seems reasonably nice and sweet, he can suddenly be having an affair after 3+ years of marriage with me. WTF? How can I be 100% sure if I don't marry someone who's a heartless jerk? The betrayed spouses would always say things like "No! He/she would never do this to me! That is not the man/woman I married!"....yeah except that is the person you married... Anyway, please help me understand and tell me if I'm right. I would very much appreciate it. Edited January 16, 2011 by Eve9
Questionis Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 The only way to be absolutely certain that you are never cheated on is to never date anyone, ever. As you know this is very frustrating. Failing this, you can look out for guys who are faithful and committed and have strong views about fidelity. Everybody pretends to be nice in the beginning so its difficult to tell straight away. Best advice I can give to you is to watch out for guys who pressure you and just give it a go. You will get better as time goes on. Have you got any guys on the radar that you are thinking you would like to get to know better?
WonderingWhatIf Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 While good communication is key in a marriage, I do not feel that it will keep someone from cheating. I know of several marriages where the communication is good, but there is no sexual chemistry or the couple is sexless (less than a few times a year). I think that is a big issue. Some people are able to live like that and others are not. I know that a very close member of my family is very vocal and communicates his frustrations regarding lack of intimacy. However, while it is acknowledged, nothing happens. They have been to counseling to no avail. I am sure that there are issues on both sides, but ....... so it goes. It sounds like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders. Take you time in your relationships... you are young. The fact that you recognize that marriage is work is a good step in the right direction.
pureinheart Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 (edited) Eve9, First off, I think your awareness is good, it will help in future choices. My concern on the other hand is that this awareness could cause you to be over sensitive, and actually create and cause the very thing you fear, because of the fear. I do the best I can with what I have at the time. You have a lot, so you have a lot to work with...go for it, without fear and take one day at a time. Not to place fear in you, although let's say you get married and he cheats...what will you do? Trip out and let your fears consume you? Or do you move on and take from that relationship the things you should. The point I want to make is, as long as YOU do your best, then you have nothing to regret or fear. Any relationship is a risk, and if your whole existance in another person you will be disappointed, I can assure you of that...people will fail us, all of them at some point. I think when things go wrong in relationships there is a tendancy of self blame, "I could have done this, that and the other thing better"...this opens the door for many disasterous behaviors IMO...we can turn into MR/MRS fix it, actually seeking or being attracted to "project men and women". There are many things that make a good relationship/marriage...do your homework, make a list of what you need in another person and try not to deviate from that. Hey, good luck! Edited January 16, 2011 by pureinheart
Duckduckgoose Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 The only 100% surefire way to prevent infidelity is to never be in a relationship.
wheelwright Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Before you encounter infidelity - which you may (I had encountered it several times by the age of 24) you may want to ask yourself a few questions. Is porn infidelity? And what about lying about it? Is a drunken snog? Would you be unhappy with your partner having a drunken snog? Does it seem to be part of your friendship circle to do so? Are you or your partner very emotional or sexually physical in a way you are not? Why does it matter to you? And tell the partner in the early stages. And reiterate. If it means a lot to you to be exclusive, then make it clear as anything. And clearer. Make it clear you would bail under such circumstances. Or become more understanding. I guess that's the choice. And there's no certainty. 'Love is a game of chances, so I'll take my chance with you' Or you could take the tack - if he's good to me, loves me, that's enough.
Distant78 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Plain and simple: You can't prevent your partner/spouse from being a whore and cheating. You just have to not put up with it.
PegNosePete Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 How to prevent infidelity? Don't bang anyone else. You can only prevent it from your side. Other people are responsible for their own actions.
xxoo Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I believe communication is the most important factor in preventing infidelity. There are a lot of other factors that go into staying together, monogamous, til death do you part.....but if the communication is open and honest, there should be no infidelity specifically. There might be very tough conversations where one partner tells the other that they can no longer remain faithful to the relationship and want a non-monogamous relationship (giving the partner the option to leave), but no cheating in secret.
dont-be-naive Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) I think the MAIN reason why some people cheat on their spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend is because of the lack of communication in their relationship. They don't really talk much about the consequences of infidelity and why it's extremely selfish and cruel. I think if someone has to tell a partner how selfish it is to cheat, or that its wrong, then they have found themselves one idiot of a partner. Some things shouldn't have to be said. Edited January 17, 2011 by dont-be-naive
Author Eve9 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 My concern on the other hand is that this awareness could cause you to be over sensitive, and actually create and cause the very thing you fear, because of the fear. I'll try not to get paranoid over it when I start a relationship with someone. But how exactly will that create and cause it? If he knows that I’m deeply afraid of being cheated on, then why would he go and do it? Not to place fear in you, although let's say you get married and he cheats...what will you do? Trip out and let your fears consume you? Or do you move on and take from that relationship the things you should. I’m prepared to be strong if that ever happens, but I will be devastated. However, I refuse to feel sorry for myself when I put my whole heart and soul into the relationship. If anything, I’ll just feel sorry for him for being a selfish, inconsiderate cheater. I’m not sure if I’ll divorce him and move on though, especially if I’m in love with him. If he begs me for another chance, if he’s incredibly remorseful and willing to do anything to save our marriage, then it will work. But I’ll never forget, nor will I be able to trust him the same way again. But then there’s the saying “If he truly loves you, then he won’t ever cheat on you”, so why should I be in a marriage with someone who doesn’t truly love me? Or maybe the saying is wrong? Sometimes cheating has absolutely nothing to do with the primary relationship. The person cheating cheats for other reasons...attraction to someone, the opportunity presents itself, they need an ego boost, they're looking for something that they really can only find within themselves, etc. Finding someone with good mental health goes a long way in eliminating this scenario. Yes, but that's where communication comes in. You're supposed to talk about feelings, thoughts and emotions with your SO. If my SO has something missing in him or needs an ego boost, then I want him to talk to me about it, and see if we can work it out. That way, he won't ever think about cheating. I just hope whoever I end up with has some self-control when the opportunity does come to him, that's something I would like to discuss with him too. And it's normal for someone to be attracted to other people besides their SO, but that's why you have to 'spice' things up in your sex life. Like sexy costumes, sex toys, lingerie, role playing, etc. I think if someone has to tell a partner how selfish it is to cheat, or that its wrong, then they have found themselves one idiot of a partner. How in the world does that make someone an idiot? Some things shouldn't have to be said. And that's the problem. Discussing about infidelity is important.
dont-be-naive Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 How in the world does that make someone an idiot? if a partner doesn't know that cheating is bad or wrong?? is this a serious question? on what planet is cheating good and right? And that's the problem. Discussing about infidelity is important. why should someone have to come right out and say, "you better not cheat on me", or educate them that cheating is bad?
datura_noir Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 My H and I discussed all of this during our courtship phase; we had great communications The daily grind of life takes it's toll, and one spouse decides that they need to be with someone else. Their needs are not being met. It's all great in the beginning, but when you are with someone 24/7, life happens. We all want to be proactive regarding our love lives; but at some point you want to trust your partner in hanging on through the rough patches. Who wants to discuss the relationship everyday? Certainly not most men I know. Or women. A marriage means that you must slog through the hard stuff together; even if the partner is not meeting your needs. If they refuse, file for divorce.
Author Eve9 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 if a partner doesn't know that cheating is bad or wrong?? is this a serious question? I don't think you understand. I didn't say anything about telling them that cheating is bad, because everyone knows that, it's common sense. I'm talking about how communication is important and infidelity should be one of the subjects to talk about with your SO. why should someone have to come right out and say, "you better not cheat on me", or educate them that cheating is bad? Who said anything about educating them? I'm talking about DISCUSSING with them about infidelity and making sure if we're on the same page on the subject. And like I said before, saying things like "you better not cheat on me" is more like a threat rather than communication.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I don't think you understand. I didn't say anything about telling them that cheating is bad, because everyone knows that, it's common sense. I'm talking about how communication is important and infidelity should be one of the subjects to talk about with your SO. Eve, I know how you feel. I can give you tons of theories and advice, but the fact is you will have to learn this stuff by experience. All the theory in the world is pointless because each situation is different. Communication is great for a relationship. It didn't stop my xGF from cheating. Who said anything about educating them? I'm talking about DISCUSSING with them about infidelity and making sure if we're on the same page on the subject. And like I said before, saying things like "you better not cheat on me" is more like a threat rather than communication. I'm serious, communication is not a silver bullet. You cannot prevent cheating with lots of talking.
carhill Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 See also this thread from the OP. As this seems to be an overwhelming theme here, I have to put on my therapist hat and ask a hard question. Did one of your parents cheat on the other? Did someone close to you whom had a fiduciary responsibility for your care and safety confide of an affair to you? If so, would you like to talk about that? If you have any questions regarding the mind of a cheater, I'll be happy to answer. BTDT.
Author Eve9 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) Did one of your parents cheat on the other? Did someone close to you whom had a fiduciary responsibility for your care and safety confide of an affair to you? If so, would you like to talk about that? Well I was raised by a single mother and I never met my father, so it's not that. But I have close friends who all experienced infidelity and all of their boyfriends cheated on them. They were all devastated, depressed and heartbroken by it. Especially my friend who was trying so hard to find love, but she had about 15 boyfriends in her life and they all, and I mean, ALL of them cheated on her. Including the one she was about to get married to. All of this discouraged me to find my own boyfriend, because I don't want to feel the pain and hurt they went through, but I think I know how it must feel because I'm an emotional, sensitive person and I would always imagine myself in that situation and being betrayed by the one that I love. My cousin caught her own boyfriend kissing some other girl, and it felt like her heart was ripped open. I can almost imagine how that would feel, and I bet it would feel even worse if that happens to me in real life. I decided to learn more about infidelity and I read through articles, message boards, etc. and there was even a comment (not from this site) where the husband is having an affair with another woman, who is married too, and they each have their own family. They even have the sick thought of bringing both of their families together to spend a week in a place for a summer vacation. Can you believe that? The husband even have the nerve to give tips and advice on how to have an affair. This made me want to find these people and tell their spouses that their being cheated on! This just makes me so angry and scared. If I had a husband and he invites his female co-worker over for dinner, and they both are having an affair (only I don't know about it), then I would look like a complete fool. I won't BE a fool because I have the heart to trust my husband, but I would LOOK like a fool. . Edited January 18, 2011 by Eve9
confusedinkansas Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 There is no sure fire 100% proof positive way to prevent infidelity in any relationship. As many of you know, relationships take on many lives over the years. You could be married to a - For Instance - Preacher. A man of God. A man that is the most trusted person in your community. 10 years down the road in a marriage things could happen. He could be tempted. He could have an affiar!!! People change / Relationships change - It's the one thing we can count on. There may be ways to lessen the chances of it happening but since we have no control over another person - It's Never 100% Guaranteed.
xxoo Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Who said anything about educating them? I'm talking about DISCUSSING with them about infidelity and making sure if we're on the same page on the subject. And like I said before, saying things like "you better not cheat on me" is more like a threat rather than communication. I do believe that communication can prevent cheating, but I don't necessarily mean communication about cheating. I mean communication skills and patterns, in general. When you date, and slowly grow more deeply involved in a relationship, pay attention to how conflicts are handled in the relationship. Pay attention to how the TWO of you share your feelings and discuss the more difficult topics. It isn't enough for one person to talk You need a partner who is willing and able to be honest and communicate openly, even when you might not like what he is saying. You don't want a "yes" boyfriend who listens to you and goes along with what you are saying. You REALLY don't want someone who avoids conflict. You want someone who will stand up to you, respectfully, and tells you how he really feels.
dont-be-naive Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I don't think you understand. I didn't say anything about telling them that cheating is bad, because everyone knows that, it's common sense. I'm talking about how communication is important and infidelity should be one of the subjects to talk about with your SO. Who said anything about educating them? I'm talking about DISCUSSING with them about infidelity and making sure if we're on the same page on the subject. And like I said before, saying things like "you better not cheat on me" is more like a threat rather than communication. but you asked, "how does that make them an idiot" in response to me saying that if someone has to tell a partner that cheating is bad or wrong because they don't know it is, then they found one idiot of a partner.
Author Eve9 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 but you asked, "how does that make them an idiot" in response to me saying that if someone has to tell a partner that cheating is bad or wrong because they don't know it is, then they found one idiot of a partner. Which is funny you said that because I didn't say anything about how someone has to educate them and tell them that cheating is wrong when they already know that. Like I said, you misunderstood my post. Thank you xxoo and confusedinkansas for the advice. I really appreciate them. But a preacher having an affair? Isn't having affairs a sin? I'm not a religious person, so I wouldn't know.
What_Next Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 There's only 1 way to PREVENT it. You know what that is. The key is to minimize the chances and to recognize the signs. Now of course in the case of the drunken ONS that's sometimes hard to predict, but then again if you've done your best to minimize then the chances ought to be low. I realize that if I had of recognized the signs it would have never happened to my marriage. That does NOT excuse it, but it's the reality.
dont-be-naive Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Which is funny you said that because I didn't say anything about how someone has to educate them and tell them that cheating is wrong when they already know that. Like I said, you misunderstood my post. "I think the MAIN reason why some people cheat on their spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend is because of the lack of communication in their relationship. They don't really talk much about the consequences of infidelity and why it's extremely selfish and cruel." why would someone need to discuss with someone else why cheating is selfish and cruel? Only reason would be because they don't know its wrong or bad. so whether anyone is smart enough to know whether its bad or wrong, lets look at why you would have to have a conversation with someone as to "why" its selfish and cruel? and I'll stand by what I said, someone would have to be an idiot to not know why.
xxoo Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I realize that if I had of recognized the signs it would have never happened to my marriage. That does NOT excuse it, but it's the reality. Do you mean pre-affair signs? What are the signs?
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