Did he cheat with his Co-worker - was I gaslighted?

[bestrongforyou]

I met my husband in 2000 – we got married 2003 – we have 2 beautiful boys (oldest son from my previous relationship) – husband starts working abroad 2005 initially for 2 years – due to excessive spending on my side and buying our first home together out of initial 2 years become 4 years (his salary is much higher working abroad)

 

Due to a forced position change in my company I become very unhappy midddle of 2007 as the new position sucks – my husband and I form a limited company end of 2007 as I want to start my own business – I am starting to look for suitable premises beginning of 2008 but don’t involve husband in the actual signing of the premises(huge LB for him) – I am opening my own small shop November 2008 just in time for the deepening recession .

 

On the 5th of April 2009 husband tells me online on IM while being abroad how unhappy he is with me and that he loves me but is not in love with me anymore – that he is emotionally starved and thought about having an affair but didn’t, that opening the shop was a huge dealbreaker. I’d say he must have brought up every mistake I ever made in these 9 years – some of the things he brought up I couldn’t even remember. I was shocked – I had not seen any of this coming .

 

We had seen each other only twice since X-Mas 08 as he had to work so much and the second time was just for one day for my oldest confirmation. We also had sex every time he was home – no exception, the last time just the week prior to his announcement.

 

Anyway after 2 days of chatting online – he asked me not to phone him for this entire time – he tells me about a female co-worker he has gotten friendly with outside work back in March 09 – he had never mentioned her name until that day even though she joined his company middle of 2008 –

and he had told her about our problems – so far they had met only once by chance for coffee on their home from work. I got suspicious in that very moment that maybe this “friendship” had something to do with his sudden changed view of our marriage. I became teribbly jealous and asked him for one favor – not to have her in his appartment abroad. He agreed and stated until today that they are just friends. Looking back at ths situation with the Co-worker I should have not voiced my opinion in regards to her but should have snopped quietly for evidence. In regards to her I lovebusted a lot over the first few weeks as I just couldn’t get my feelings under control. I felt like I was missing the last jigsaw piece that all this mess would kind of make sense.

 

I begged him for a second chance so I could rectify all the mistakes I had made until that day and he agreed. I closed my business, stopped my excessive spending, took the kids out of childcare to save costs and revamped our house with the help of “Flylady” to fill his need for Domestic Support.

 

We spoke daily on the phone and I booked a flight to see him abroad the weekend of the 1st of May 09. I never got on the flight. 2 days before the scheduled flight I tried to call him on his mobile and couldn’t get through to him for 2-3 hours – very unusual – I must have called him 4 times frantically, thinking he was with her. He then called me back finally drunk – he had been in the pub with friends and left his mobile in the car – he was so angry – I had no right to ask him what he was doing... – anyway we spoke the next morning after he was sober again and after 3 hours of phone call he ended our marriage.

 

2 hours later we are on the phone again and he is now calm and offers me the following: “we stay separated and I sleep on the couch but we date instead to see if we can rekindle anything.”

And what did I say – “of course”, I was so happy to be given another life line so to speak.

 

He then comes home the second week of May 09– sits down on the couch, starts crying and says:”I don’t belong here anymore...” . He stayed home for a week, had lost 20lbs, was so cold, slept for 2 nights on the couch and then came back into our bed but we had no physical contact. 2 days before flying back abroad he went out with 2 of his brothers and came home late in the night drunk – he cuddles up to me for the first time all week and asks me to warm him – and so I did – and then he said something what I can’t forget until today. I always had cold feet all my life – he would always call me his “little reptil”. Anyway my feet brush his leg and he says: “ What is it with you women and cold feet...” I remember I froze in that moment – it sounded like a comparison to me. Also the sex was different – he started pulling my hair during SF – something I can’t remember him ever doing before.

 

Me and the kids then went over to see him abroad on the 10th of June 09 – it was awful – he wasn’t prepared for our visit at all – the fridge was full of old food – he said to me a few days prior to the visit if I needed any toiletries just to ask him to buy them as they are so much cheaper abroad – but when I asked him 2 days before flying to buy tooth brushes for us he dceclined, saying he would have no chance to get to the shop. The following thought crossed my mid while I was there: “ he either doesn’t live here at all or spends only very little time here...”

 

It all came to a head on the 14th of June – he broke it off for good a second time – said that i couldn’t get over my suspicions and that he could not get over the betrayal with the shop.

 

So we flew back home and I finally did what I should have done on day one – I hired a PI to follow him abroad. I had nothing to lose anymore at that stage – my marriage was over.

I had studied my husbands routines while I was abroad so I sent the PI to his house Saturday morning at 5.45 a.m. to start following him but my husband wasn’t there – I don’t know until today if he slept somewhere else or had the PI just missed him. The PI then picked him up in the afternoon at work – followed him home and then my husband went to town in the evening and met a woman for coffee – they stayed from 8 pm until 9.45 p.m. and then he took her back to his appartment (Saturday night ) until quarter past midnight. She then left in a taxi.

 

Now the PI report said: they greeted each other as if they were unknown to each other but talked in high spirits. There was no physical contact all evening – and she wasn’t the Co-worker.

 

I confronted my husband over the phone 2 days later and he told me the following: she is a friend of the co-worker he showed his flat to as he wanted to sublet it . This was the first time they ever met.

 

My husband then came home the first week of July and we told the kids we were separating.During this visit he told me about a facebook account he had –I had no clue about that – he had made it invisible so that only friends on his list could find him – the co-worker was one of them I found out later – he also told me about a second email account he has – again I had no clue – I have found in the meantime the email address but don’t have the password.

 

Anyway he went back abroad and I got access to his Instant Messenger in the middle of July 09– and there I found he was in fact dating the girl the PI found . This time I did not confront him but followed their conversations for around a week.

 

Suddenly their conversations went from dating to just being friends and one day later my husband asked me to reconcile. He asked me to move forward and forget about the past – I agreed and we tried to make it work for 10 days – unfortunately with the knowledge about the 2 of them I could not trust him anymore – I was hoping during these 10 days he could come clean about everything but he didn’t – so we finished it again after 10 days in the beginning of August.

 

A few days later I finally toldd him why I had acted so strange during these 10 days and that without the full truth I could not recover.

[scatterd]

I am so sorry for you I have tears in my eyes.It seems when men cheat they put you down as the bad person when they are the ones doing wrong.

Someday he will really regret this but right now he is selfish and cares only for him self.I hope you can be strong and get all the proof you can you will do better in court.He will try to bounce back to you so be prepared.I would not call only if you have to and do your best to think of your children and your self it will take time but you will feel better.Their is men out there that will not cheat and will love you.I dont know if you have gone to counceling but it would help.Show him you are fine with out him and doing well.He put his cheating on you but its him that has the problem do alot of reading here their is so much info and the people are understanding.Big hugs

[scatterd]

when I was having problems with my husband a person here gave me this.

Do the 180. That's all there is left at this point. It will help you gain strength and it will confuse the h*ll out of him.

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

[pureinheart]

Wow scatterd, that is awesome and can be used in any type of relationship! Great advice:D

 

BSFY, you may never put the pieces together, although if your husband doesn't dictate every emotion, it won't matter...because you know who you are and that is all that is important. I've experienced betrayals of all sorts and there are times that you just have to let it go...so many times the injustices, in many areas...just let it go as sometimes the information can destroy you are create more fear.

 

Take care, (((((((((hugs))))))))

Edited January 16, 2011 by pureinheart

[bestrongforyou]

Thanks so much for replying - I wish it would be that simple in letting it go. I am nearly 2 years out and it's only getting worse.

It's not that i miss him and want him back, that's not the issue.

 

There are more stories like the one I wrote yesterday, more red flags over our entire relationship which makes me wonder if he was a serial cheater.

 

I share one with you - 2004 - we were married 1 year:

 

I went through my husbands phone and found in his sent items a text to another woman - here my husband's eplanation:

He went to the pub with a mate of his and the mate's phone's battery went dead - so he borrowed husbands phone to send a text to his girlfriend. Mate takes his SIM and puts it into husbands phone and sends the text.

I burst into tears and asked husband if he is sure that story is true. y Husband gets really mad, storms upstairs and starts packing his suitcase and threatens to leave me. I pleaded and begged and cried and he finally stops packing and stays.

 

Anyway if he lied that time also that makes my entire marriage a lie

[carhill]

One potential is accepting that you'll never know the 'truth' and that the healthy thing to do is act on what you do know; the actions of today.

 

It's not that i miss him and want him back, that's not the issue.

 

What I'm hearing is a desire for closure. Sometimes such desires remain unfulfilled and one chooses to accept that reality. Up to you whether you want to walk that path or not. Hopefully you've worked on the responsibilities you've owned from the M and can have healthier relationships and pick partners better as a result.

 

Have you filed for divorce yet? IMO, go ahead and get moving on that. The first step is the most difficult. My sympathies.....

[bestrongforyou]

Hi carhill

 

you are correct - I am looking for closure - I know that I might never know what really happened. But beside that there is something else:

 

I need to find someone I can really talk to - be it in IRL or online - someone who knows what I am really going through - I have trailed through the Net for almost 2 years, have posted on various boards and have talked to friends and 2 counsellors IRL and none of them have understood what my issue is. Counsellors think I can't get over the breakup - I wish it would be that easy.

 

In my country it takes 4-5 years to get a divorce - I used to think that was madness - now I think that's exactly the time I need - I can't even think about a new relationship. I don't trust anyone anymore, not my even myself.

 

When my husband broke up with me I still had my memories of how we met and got married - now almost 10 years in my memory are wiped out.

Now when I think of how we met there is my husband in my head saying: "one of your friends made a pass at me when we were first going out and

I turned her down - but I don't tell you who it is."

 

When I think about how we got married all I have now in my head: "my husband transferred almost 1000 USD into an account I thought he didn't use and at a time we were counting every penny for the wedding - and guess when he made the first withdrawal - Valentines Day."

 

And so on and on and on

 

I need someone who knows what gaslighting does to someone. I know everyone wants to help me and I really appreciate this - I am 36 years old, I have gone through infidelity and have come out the other side before but this situation now I can't handle.

 

Now when I look at my friends I am thinking - it could be anyone of you and who knows if he went for it or not. He has lied to me so much and I didn't see any of it at the time.