Tetida Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Hi there, [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Here is the story in short. I want to get back together with my boyfriend. I LOVE him and MISS him very much. We have been dating for 2 years. For the last couple of months of our relationship we started fighting. Mainly because I complained that we weren’t spending much time together, and the more I complained the more he pulled away from me, which made it even worse. We broke up 2 months ago over a very stupid thing (I found a picture on Facebook of him being at some party I didn’t know about, and I went crazy, telling him how he has time to spend at some parties but doesn’t have time to spend with me). Anyway, we had a huge fight over the PHONE and we broke up. Two days after that phone brake up, I call him back, telling him how we were both angry and we said things we shouldn’t have, I calmly explain to him why I was so angry and that we should meet to talk and resolve our problem. He agreed and said that he would call me. Few days pass no call so I call him and ask him, are we OK, to which he said that we needed to talk but that he couldn’t do it today because he had some things to do and that he would call later. The next day, when there was no call from him by the evening, I call him, no answer. I text him and write him, how this whole thing was stupid, that we overcame much worse and that we can deal with this too and at the end I write to him how I love him and miss him. No answer. That is when I stopped calling and texting. A week passes and my friend tells me how he asked about me, how I was doing and if I was ok. Then one night I was at a bar with my girlfriends when he walked in, he came up to us, said hi to me, asked us how we were doing and walked away. Needless to say, I was devastated. I decided to get away for a while, so I take a 2 week vacation. While I was away his sister calls me and asks me what happened why we broke up. She tells me that she knows he loves me very much. I said to her that I feel the same, but that I don’t understand why he will not talk to me. And my friend also tells me how he keeps asking about me. I get back from my vacation few days ago and decide to go and see him. He owns a business, so I decide to go to his store, because I knew I would find him there. He was there, and we talked like nothing has happened. We updated each other, what had happened to us over the past 2 months; we laughed and joked for about an hour. Then he said that he had to go because his goddaughter had a birthday, and before we separated, I tell him how I know that I screwed things up with my constant nagging and my jealousy. He said that it wasn’t only my fault; we are who we are, and then he suggested that we go out for coffee some time to talk about it and AGAIN said that he would call me! That was two days ago and no call from him. I don’t know what to think anymore! I know that he loves me, I don’t understand his behavior. I know it has been only two days but I am afraid that he won’t call me, just like he didn’t the last time he said he would. I LOVE HIM MORE THAN I CAN SAY, I miss hi immensely and I don’t know what to do. I want him back. I know what my mistakes were and I am ready to change, but how do I tell him that when he won’t see me? Any advice, please! We were so good together, I want to correct my mistakes, please don’t tell me it’s too late! I LOVE HIM and being away from him hurts more than I can say, and I want to fight for our love! Please help. What is my next step?[/FONT][/sIZE]
IfiKnewThen Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 so many others might differ on me with this..but from my own experiences..i wouldnt give up. i would reiterate how you realize, that you have been jealous etc and want to change that. and work on yourself and tell him you are working on yourself too. and show him. but explain to him why you understand he can get upset. also...PLEASE...let him know you WANT to hear from him. tell him that you suspect he doesnt talk to you because he EXPECTS confrontation and probably is trying to avoid it. do NOT tell him this....(this is between us)...but i really feel he has some traits of being passive aggressive. i have dated/was involved with someone like this myself. that act all nice nice and say yeah i will do this or that ..and then they DONT. they put things off and dont call. its because they are afraid of confrontation. this is a very hard personality to deal with. they seem like the greatest person on earth and that they like you but have secret thoughts about what youre doing! you cant attack them, insult them..etc. you have to talk nice to them (sighs)...and get them to tell you whats REALLY on their minds. now please dont get paranoid. the main thing to remember is that they are afraid of confrontation. so dont be confrontational, or aggressive. they hate that and cant cope with it and start to misinterpret you, even when your passive. soooooooo..... first tell him youre sorry. yes. then say you think the world of him and care about HIS feelings. that HIS feelings matter, too. that he CAN talk to you. then DONT put him down when he does. tell him you understand him and move on with the conversation for resolution and compromise. hug him after he talks (lol) . ok then keep this in mind but dont get horrified. passive aggressive men who are the nicest guys in the world...if they are afraid to speak to you can slowly move on to another female. fin d out if there is anyone in his life currently and dont yet act like it will upset you. keep your cool. come back to the forum first if he found someone else. tell him you have to wrap your head around it and will get back to him. dont panic or scream. listen i dont think its all that bad ..but this guy has avoided you and has NOT told you anything. he is a major avoider. they get what they want by not having accountability for anything. most guys who break up dont want confrontation. no one does. but some people expect it even when they dont have to and take it to a whole other level. and then leave YOU out in the cold. rather than working through things. good luck. face him. get HIMMMMMMMMMM to do all the talking. and really listen. (for now)
damian Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 You will only be back together if he wants to. By contacting him you are not finding out if he truly wants you. The decision is his, you cannot persuade him by telling him how you feel, its what he feels that counts. Continue no contact, i know its bloody hard but it really is your only option. Ask friends to not mention him and dont you ask about him. He will either come back to you, or you go through pain then slow healing and eventually be happy again.
Author Tetida Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 @IfIKnewThen I know all that, I know that I have pretty much screwed things up with him, that is why I went up to him first and made the first step. I want to tell him all that, I just don't know hot to get him to sit with me so that we can discuss all that. I don't want to give up just yet. I know he loves me. I'll give up the moment he looks me in the eyes and tells me that he doesn't love me anymore.
nature Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 First of all, you did NOT screw things up. Somehow this situation has gotten so twisted around, that by not contacting you back or calling when he said he would, he's made you so insecure that you are blaming yourself for all the problems in the relationship. Wrong. If you had been going with this guy for a few years, and he went to a party that you didn't even know about and had to find out about on FB, NOT COOL. Not cool at all. If you were in a committed relationship, and supposed to care about one another more than anyone else, then you should have known about that party, and even been invited to it with him. Nagging about barely seeing him and him putting other stuff ahead of you was your BIG RED FLAG that HE was screwing up the relationship. Not you. He was taking you for granted. He was neglecting you. He was making you last of importance. And he still is. He is not calling when he says he will. He is not pursuing you or trying to work the relationship out. No matter what his words say when he says he'll call you, his actions are not following up to his words. Actions speak louder than words. He is not ready for a relationship and ready to be committed and caring to a woman. He is the one who screwed this relationship up. Not you. Now twist that brain of yours around, take a deep breath, and let go of that low self esteem. Dig up your pride. Dig up your self worth. Listen to you gut feeling which told you he was neglecting you, which is why you nagged in the first place. Stop letting your heart and feelings manipulate your brain into taking the blame just so you can desperately have him back. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
IfiKnewThen Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 nature...i totally agree with you . its NOT her fault. he probably already knew she wants him accountable with parties...social things etc. but i have been through this. it's why i recognized it. i too found out things about someone once..etc. they were innocent at first but still he was being sneaky and not telling me stuff. he thought whats the harm going to a party at work and didnt tell me. because he KNEW we were almost 2000 miles away and i asked him to tell me stuff or it would be a deal breaker if he didnt. but he didnt want to lose me and didnt want confrontation..so he didnt tell me..because he also wanted to go to the party. not saying all situations are alike. but i recognize this particular one...i feel. ok so...yes, its not her fault. i felt like that too, as you do : ) but if she wants him to talk to her and be honest and not a frightened little passive aggressive person...she has to make him feel safe too to talk to her. in my opinion. i would just call him and say (very sweetly) lets get together for that cup of coffee, i think you have a great idea..so and so. so lets DO it!!! yay!! and THEN when she gets together with him...talk light first and happy..and then say hey...i want you to feel comfortable with me...not frightened. i feel theres things you want to do and maybe feel you cant talk to me. you can. lets discuss what was troubling you. lets compromise...etc...whatever. otherwise not only wont they likely get back together...but..if they do..he will hide more and more. something in his brain thats twisted has to tell him...it can be ok. he can talk to her and work things out. whether he doesnt always get his way or not! passive aggressiveness is a real bonified problem. he doesnt have to have it but his behavior has the tendency towards it. she cant enable him and has to call him out on it and BUT show he doesnt have to FEAR her or confrontation. be accountable can mean compromises too and not be just being reemed out or whatever. NOTTTTTTTTT saying she is doing this. this is HOW his mind might be thinking. but 'anture" you ARE so sooooooooo right. quote: Nagging about barely seeing him and him putting other stuff ahead of you was your BIG RED FLAG that HE was screwing up the relationship. Not you. He was taking you for granted. He was neglecting you. He was making you last of importance. And he still is. He is not calling when he says he will this happened to me too nature. anyway, i learned too late how to handle someone too who was passive aggressive. i was too aggressive before this . so it was a car heading for a crash. i just wish he knew he could have turned the car in the other direction..and that it would have been safe to do so
Author Tetida Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 I forgot to mention that his friends (actually some of our mutual friends) are telling him not to call me and that he is better of without me, just like they are telling me Anyway, I know that I was not the only one who screwed things up, I just reacted to his actions the way I shouldn't have, but he has his share... It takes two... but the damage is done, unfortunatelly... I'm trying to correct it but I think it's hopless. I made the first step, I broke the ice, it took a lot of courrage for me to do that, to go to his work and talk to him, the least he can do now is call and say lets meet up, but he isn't (( It hurts, it really does. Nature, i know you are right, my head is telling me so, but my heart is falling to peaces :'( I tried my best, and if he doesn't see that, if he wants to listen to his friends, than let it be so, i guess I'll start hurting and falling to parts, then eventually I'll pick myself up and go on with life... I guess....
IfiKnewThen Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 i hate when everybody has to get involved and tell them what to do. no relationship needs more negative input like that. so frustrating.
Recommended Posts