CCfooty Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Hi there, complete newbie here but figured i'd write this up for anyone willing to listen and comment! For age purposes in my story, as they MAY be relevant... B is now 21. I'm 24. My ex broke up with me in September. We had some issue; from what I thought those being she was horrible at communicating (someone she dated in her past basically shot her down anytime she tried to bring things up or talk about things)... and I have a hard time with TRUST (i've gone through some brutal relationships, still alive, but a bit messed up). My ex also has a hard time with people not trusting her (that same person in her past didn't trust her at all - with reason though). My ex's past is basically one of being a "serial dater" it seems. Well, so far. She also cheated on her previous partner more than once (hence the reasons that they did not trust her at all - though she never knew 100% about them i'm sure). Anyway - this was ALWAYS in the back of my mind... her past like that. I'll start at the beginning. A few years ago me and my ex (lets call her B), met through mutual friends and connections. B started flirting and eventually "sex texting" with me while she was still with her previous partner (lets call the previous partner K). We always had INSANE chemistry, it's ridiculous. B also, on more than one occasion, tried to kiss me, among other things, which I always said NO to (even though we were still flirting and sex texting). Anyway, K found out... and I felt like a HUGE ******* about it. I apologized to K, though who knows if she could forgive that. B tried ONCE more to get with me and I ignored her. K found out about this and basically banned her from talking to me. We didn't talk for probably 1.5 years after that happened. So, B and K eventually broke up. B, less than a month after, contacted me... told me she had burnt a lot of bridges from being with K... and wanted to meet up for coffee. After we met up, she told me that after all these years she still really liked me (we STILL had CRAZY chemistry). And shortly after we ended up having a wild night together. It was bound to happen, waiting THAT long and liking each other still after 1.5 years of not talking. Anyway - B and I dated for just shy of a year. We had our issues, because I had a hard time trusting... I would ask her about things and let her know if I was uncomfortable with something, though would NEVER ever tell her who she could or couldn't talk to (that is NOT my place). She could always say she was okay with things, that she could handle it, etc. She eventually asked me to move in with her (we were doing distance, though saw each other every weekend), but I couldn't due to work commitments where I was. Was it soon, given we had been together maybe 7 months at the time? Maybe... but I was madly in love with this girl. Anyway, time passed and nearing the end I felt things were a bit off... but figured it was maybe because she was just getting back to school, I was getting back to work, our summer was ending, all that jazz. So, early Sept comes and - to me - it was out of nowhere - she said she needed us to take a break (which inevitably meant a breakup was coming). I started noticing another person posting on her facebook wall A LOT which REALLY bothered me (yes - I hate facebook). Anyway, a week later we were broken up. There's a lot of bull**** that went on after we broke up. This girl was more frequent on her facebook and such (which I asked B about, many times, which made her pretty mad - she denied that anything was going on). About 2 months after we broke up I was suppose to go away on a month long conference with work. She found out I was leaving and said she needed to see me before I went because she still loved me... so I went and saw her. It was an awkward meet up at first, but then things just flowed back to how they used to be. We didnt kiss, I couldn't. She tried to hold my hand, I couldn't. Our legs touched under the table, I moved mine away... and B moved hers back into mine. We hugged goodbye and it was a LONG lasting hug, not a "just friends" kind of hug - she pulled me in and I felt her grab and hold onto me. It was strange but felt nice... And then the messy stuff happened.... A good friend of mine noticed me in B's town and asked what I was doing up there, since she heard we broke up. I told her that B invited me up there so I had to go. Of course, two of B's friends (one happened to be the girl that was posting all over her wall - lets call her Y) noticed me in town as well. One of them was friends with my good friend and asked her why I was in town... Y basically said I was "stalking" B. Anyway, my good friend, on hearing this, told them that B invited me, etc. The next day, it turns out these two friends of B's had asked her what was going on. B snapped on me, said I had read into everything... that I need to take what she said for face value - that what she said she meant as a friend. I told her that saying "I still love you" to an ex, how else could I take that? She didn't have much to say about that, at all. I left for the conference, which was canceled after a week since the man running it had come down with illness. After that convo, I told her NOT to contact me AT ALL unless she left her house and found that she was missing me. I didn't want to hear from her. About 4 days later, she contacts me... telling me some news about her life and what not. I don't know if she just FORGOT I told her not to contact me or what. I was civil with her, but that was sitting in my mind - did she miss me? I kept hearing about this other girl, Y, too from my friends. It was REALLY hard to keep hearing about her, but seemingly becoming more real that SOMETHING was up - given I kept hearing it. I called her out on Y many times, asking her to just tell me the truth about it... and she always denied it. Infact, she was more pissed off at me now for asking SO many times (she hates the whole not being trusted thing). Anyway, that brings me to about the end of November. We were not on good terms what so ever. She randomly texted me some news about her life, and i'd bring up this other girl (at this point, I had deleted and blocked her on facebook - everything I heard was from other people - apparently Y was alllll over her wall). So, early-mid December and someone basically tells me they noticed B and Y had a "sleep over". That all it said everywhere was "miss you babe... I miss sleeping with you... etc.". Less than 3 months and I was replaced it seemed. I was leaving for another conference for 3 weeks in December so I told her I NEEDED to know the truth before I left, that I heard all this **** but needed to know the truth before I left so I could just start fresh when I got back. I will admit, I had sent her WAY too many texts after we broke up... I smothered her with them... looking back, it was somewhat humiliating!! Anyway - All B said was that I was wrong. That nothing was going on but of course I looked for the "worst case scenario". Then she said she had had enough for me asking about this and was blocking my number. I left for my conference, sent her a quick note saying sorry for asking so much (basically), and was gone for 3 weeks. On my return... she had sent me an email back saying she knows this isn't me, and that we'll talk in the new year. Who knows about that though really. I also heard MORE bull**** when I got back about this girl, but this time didn't bother to text and ask "what the ****". It has become quite obvious that someone else is now in the picture. I gave her something very important to me that she never returned to me when she returned all of my things. So on my return after my 3 week conference, I sent her an email asking for it back. No answer. I sent 2 others, and no answer. I finally send a 4th and B answered... She basically said she'd send it back but wanted to know my address just in case she was unsure, that she had a good xmas break and hoped my conference went well. I was very straight forward in my response - said "i'm glad you had a good break, my address is:.... thanks" Her response was "Great chat ill send it soon". It was somewhat sarcastic to me, so I didn't know what to say other than asking how her mom/dad were. All she said in response to that (THIS is the part that messes me up!!!): "Dont worry, I won't make you talk to me. Once you get your thing back, you can go on like I don't exist... lucky you". This angers me, and confuses me. How can B send me such a RUDE response? I treated her like GOLD, and she still can't be polite with me? What do I even MAKE of that? Personally - if I was sending ANYTHING like that to an ex, it would be because I still had feelings for them. That is why this has me super messed up. So, my big decision in the next couple months? I have another week long conference - it's VERY important to me, and will not be available again. The issue? She WILL be there. And it's a small group, maybe 15-20 people and VERY intimate and interactive. I will have to see her and communicate with her daily, which would tear my heart out right now (esp since she's "with" someone, or whatever). She still hasn't admitted any of that stuff about Y to me, though I haven't asked since I got back... What do I make of that email? What would you do about this conference? (thank you for taking the time to read this novel).
stopthemadness Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 (edited) First I want to say. I feel your pain. Its very clear that this relationship is over. I see a therapist so sorry if some of this sounds like her. Sounds from what you wrote that shes being very honest with you. We just need to listen. Its like our brains knows its over but our hearts just need to catch up. Its not about dates and times and they said this and then I said that. (I used to do that too) Its about how WE feel. Its about US not getting hurt any more then we already have. Its about learning that we are fine and this is stuff about them. We cant fix them we can only learn to fix us. Try to let go of ALL of that drama. Try to accept that all this isnt healthy for YOU to keep putting your self through this. I know its hard thats why I know I need a little help. Good luck.. Edited January 16, 2011 by stopthemadness
Author CCfooty Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 Thanks for the response... in terms of being very honest, I think that's the part I have the hardest time with because she really hasn't been - ESPECIALLY with regard to this other girl (she still denied there being ANYTHING going on in mid December). There are some points I forgot to add in there though, which have thrown me through loops - in addition to that last email of course. I told her that it didn't feel like this was it for us and that if I was wrong, she needs to tell me. She told me I wasn't wrong (this was very end of Nov/Early Dec). She told me before I left for that 3 week conference that we should maybe try again when I got back in December. I asked her if all we would ever be is JUST friends and she replied she didn't know, she doesn't know what the future holds. In my opinion people DO know. I've been able to tell ex's of mine that we would never be together again... sometimes you just don't feel it, and that's life. I've been able to tell people that.
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