Am I doing alright?

[goof]

She broke up with me in November last year after the relationship of 3 years and 2 months saying that she is not in love with me anymore although still loves me (it totally contradicts the first statement though). It all happened after 3 weeks of no contact because we had a fight and none of us could figure out who's duty it was to start talking about it. One night I decided to end this and showed up under her window of her apartment at night. Now, we practically live in the same city but during the week she resides in a small flat in the town where she goes to university. (country's Belgium btw)

 

I wasn't sure she was home and I had to send her a text saying "I don't have any sugar left could you borrow me some" implying that I was in front of her door.

 

She showed up at her window and eventually opened the door. It was an awkward silence when we saw each other. Long story short, I asked her to sit down and listen to me, I apologized for my late behavior and that I kept couple of things secret from her.

As I was finished talking she asked me what I least expected to hear from her, she asked: "and what if I didn't want any relationship with you anymore?"

 

I want you to know the reason we had a fight 3 weeks before this day. It was a Halloween night and I invited her to come with me cause couple of my friends were going to an abandoned castle at night. She refused to because her parents are always there and it is difficult for her to get out at night.

My friends and I decided to go to castle and invited couple of girls from my university. We had a good night, laughed screamed etc etc...

One thing I did not tell her is that we had invited girls along with us...I felt bad the next day and realized she would find out on Facebook which I created only when I joined the university and before that I was always criticizing it.

So I called her up and said that I was coming over to her flat without adding anything. She met me at the station, I got to the point straight away and explained why I did not tell her. She took me for a liar (since before I did not even care telling her but this time I did and still I am a liar).

We arrived at her flat and first thing she asked me to do is to show her my Facebook profile... Basically, I would have showed that but she asked it in a wrong way. She threatened me with our relationship, saying that if I do not it might be over. That was very childish and to show that I do not support this kind of games I told her I won't show anything despite the fact that I wasn't hiding anything. We spent the night together hugging each other but still being mad. The morning she escorted me to the station I took the train and left home. Arrived at home and checked my phone which was dead during my visit to her and seen that she called me couple of times. I called her in the evening asking what she wanted, she just said she wanted to talk meaning that she felt bad for what had happened and wanted to resolve the problem.

 

I was still mad at her because of the weird reaction she had. We did not have any contact for 2 days after which I called her, she picked up and said she was busy (though I heard the voices of her friends whom I know) and told me to call her later. I would but it was already midnight and wanted to sleep, so I decided to call her back if she would text me asking to call her back (we always did so when one of us couldn't talk), but she did not. It got me even more mad, or rather disappointed and determined that she would be the first one to contact me. And that is how we got to this 3 weeks NC situation.

 

Now during the break up at her flat, I couldn't leave home cause there were no trains, so I had to sleep over. We slept in the same bed. We talked about stuff we did in the past. In the morning I decided to leave to school at 6 am, before she wakes up. I got up and put my clothes on. She heard me moving and woke up and asked me not to go away, I quote: "you wanted to leave me like that without saying a proper good bye? don't go, just come here for a little, please"

I knew it would hurt me staying with her but somewhere deep inside me there is this naive ME who hoped that she had come to her sense and wanted to take her words back.

We talked and laughed a lot, more than usual, and I could see that little thing called love between us. Now I am not a guy who cries and asks to take me back but I asked her if it is true if she is not in love anymore...she kept her ground and said she doesn't have this warm feeling anymore. I can understand since I had the same feeling though it is normal after 3 years. However, I told her everything I had on my mind, that she is going to regret and that she acts very immature throwing away someone who cared for her just of the thought that she might find this warm feeling again. It is like she doesn't realize that it is not permanent. "Being in love" turns into loving, caring and respecting someone, at least that is what I had for her. We spent 7 or 8 hours if not more in the bed talking about everything. She told me she is glad that I took it in the good way.(apparently I can hide emotional feelings). Eventually we had sex...and I decided to leave after that (of course cause it was awkward)

Arrived home. Next day I sent her a message trying to talk some sense into her and said we gotta meet once again (I wasn't being pushy). She sent me a message asking if we gonna see each other on Saturday. I replied and said that she may come over my place. She did not confirm anything and I did not want to stalk or appear needy so eventually we did not meet. Actually, it was the last time we ever talked...since then I tried putting my head off that misfortune and do something different. I still have my moments where I get being nostalgic and sad but not as the first time when we broke up, one year ago in October when she had doubts about her feelings and got back to me after 3 months.

This time I try being rational and realize that she is not a girl for me but it is hard when you still love her. She is different from the other girls and I do not even think that she found someone else.

I remember her saying, 1 month before our break up that she cannot imagine herself with another guy.

 

Why am I writing this...simple, I have my exams now and have to study. Woke up at 7 am and had this nostalgic feeling so I decided to put it off on you people

 

I sometimes regret that I gave her these 3 weeks to think about nonsense, but again, if it wouldn't have happened now it might have been in the future. I am sure you know that this spiral chain of thought where you try to rationalize everything is endless and only way to get out of it is forgetting about it...so I am trying and I need you to help me by saying what you think about this situation.

 

oh and sorry for my superficial English, it is not my native language.

[timchambo]

I'm curious to see what others have to say as I'm going through very similar situation. 7 years. Love of my life. She's "not in love" anymore. She was already talking to another guy when she broke it off in my case. Though she was clearly conflicted based on her actions ("your the only one for me"), and her friends accounts. Though in the end she went through with the break. It seems like she is really into this new guy. I know I can't wait around for her, and she broke our trust anyways.

 

Did you say your girl was in another relationship?

 

By the way your english is rather good, and more proper than a lot of us natives.

[goof]

thanks timchambo, appreciate your compliment and feel sorry for your situation. 7 years, the girl has some guts to risk it for a guy she doesn't know so well compared to you.

 

No, last year she broke up with me because she saw her ex boyfriend, they met and had a talk. She felt something for him and told me that she'd be better off without me and him...Now, I am never sure 100 percent but she told me she never meant to go out with him or build a relationship, she just felt awkward and I figure that she wanted to see what she really desired by taking distance. Took her 3 months to figure out. After we got back together I was struggling getting my confidence back, I rarely expressed my true feelings for her cause somewhere deep inside me I couldn't understand her actions and was afraid it would happen again.

 

Now I cannot be sure but she told me that there is no boy involved in this (2nd) break up, I want to believe this and I do...but who throws a good relationship to the garbage bin without having a replacement?

 

After the first break up I was devastated, surfed a lot about it. Give you an advice which basically is the most important to realize if you belong together even if one of you violated the "trust code". Let her go, and if she comes back she does love you and wants to be with you because now she had realized it... Now there are limits here of course, you never want to be a second alternative for her, if she does come back, test her, make her work for you, and this trick only once, which means, it does not apply to me anymore...