ElixirXY Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I've known him for 3 years, the circumstances how we got together were quite complicated and drawn out - finally just before Christmas we got together at last. Fast forward to now. Something very bad has happened in either his or his ex's family's lived - someone is very ill - I suspect it's cancer, but he only just found out and has gone completely awol where I'm concerned. I have tried talking to him but he won't have it - he has completely shut down. He says he would like to talk to me but just not right now. After breaking down in tears on the phone last time we spoke, I've heard nothing since. I have made it clear to him that I am here for him if needed and he has my support. Just wondered if anyone else had any experience of this and what advice they can give? I strongly suspect it's regarding his exes' family or maybe even her - they broke up not so long ago and were together for a few years... he says I'm close to him and he has strong feelings for me but this has thrown everything up in the air and I'm torn between missing him madly, wanting to do the right thing and then not really knowing what is going on. I guess I just have to sit tight and wait - but just wondered how 'normal' it is for a guy to deal with things like this? (He is in his 40s I'm in my 30s btw).
ames Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 well, first of all i just want to say how sorry i am that your in this horrible position hugs to you There is no such thing as a "normal" reaction to this sought of thing. You have done all you really can by telling him that you are here for him. He would be really hurting right now. I don't really understand the reasons as to why he isn't speaking to you though?? It puzzles me..maybe just send him a text and see how he's going?? Write something like "hi there, i'm really sorry to hear whats happened. I am here if you need to talk. I miss you" something along those lines anyway? Keep us posted
Author ElixirXY Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 hi Ames, thank you for your reply. well, that's what I last did, the day after we spoke, and as I still wasn't sure what the problem exactly is I just said I hope you're feeling a bit better? His reply was "not really but will do". I don't know why he won't talk to me either - that's why I suspect it's his ex - something directly or indirectly has happened to her and it has affected him deeply, it's not just that she's leaning on him because he actually cried on the phone about whatever this is. He just said something bad has happened that has put him into deep shock and he just doesn't want to talk about it now. He tried to end it with me at first saying confused feelings, but I suspect he doesn't want to muck me around and was trying to be fair. I don't think he's going back to the ex as when I asked his immediate reaction was to say he didn't give a stuff about all that now, but as they were together for years it would't be out of the equation to think that this concerns her and that's why he won't talk to me about it yet. He said he doesn't know how I would react, as I asked him did he think I would react badly - meaning, of course I wouldn't - whatever it's about clearly he is suffering and if it had to do with her I would understand. I didn't say that, because there is too much inference to events I don't know anything about. I guess there is a chance they may even try again at their relationship as a result of this shared grief, I really hope not as I do not see it working out - but if they did there is nothing I could do but wish him the best. My friend who knows a bit more about the situation didn't think they would and said there is a world of difference between the love you have for someone after a break up and the reasons for choosing to be with somebody - i.e. whatever has happened would be a mistake to give that as a reason for a reunion. He obviously feels overwhelmed by whatever it is he is dealing with at the moment and hasn't been at work as a result. Still, as I don't know what to do I am just getting on with my own thing, and typing here - I just wondered if men on the whole, when they feel this bad - push people away as a way of dealing with it. All speculation I guess - still, any words of advice or voices of experience are welcomed.
Eddie Edirol Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 If he tried to end it with you before, then he's trying again, he is just too chicken to do it the right way. His family problem or whatever excuse he gave probably doesnt exist. I dont know anyone who cuts off someone they are in a good relationship with for even deaths in the family. This guy is breaking it off with you, he is just dragging it along. He's either going to keep saying its affecting him and he cant talk, or he will actually just say its over and blame the family incident. Dont feel guilt or feel like you have to console him when he is lying to you. For whatever reason, hes too much of a coward to explain to you why he isnt attracted to you anymore. Dont even answer his calls and move on.
Author ElixirXY Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 (edited) That may be so but he's not the 'Oscar winning actor' sort, so something bad must have happened. I also laid into him at first, not believing him and said it's obvious what is going on here (just like you said) and that he doesn't have to tell me jacksh*t because bottom line is he is treating me badly. That's when he said 'something bad's happened I'm in deep shock & I do want to talk to you about it just not now'. So whether or not we're together, there is something going on here that has affected him deeply. If he is just too chicken, why the water works? I have known him for quite some time - pretending to cry doesn't come under his remit of BS... And why say he does want to talk to me about it AFTER I had said already that he didn't have to bother with his reasons? Any other points of view welcomed - would like to hear from men and women's experience, if vast majority agree with Eddie then obviously I have been too trusting, thanks. Edited January 16, 2011 by ElixirXY Addition
jenifer1972 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 It's her for sure. Does she have a child?
Author ElixirXY Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 No - no children involved. It's obviously to do with her. I am almost 100% either her or one of her parents has either died or has cancer. It's from the wording in the last conversation I had with him. Seems obvious to me that the timing just isn't right - perhaps it never will be. Every time we've had a window something happens to close it - like a curse. I wish he could understand that after everything we've been through and after how he has told me how he feels about me - (the L word and more) that even if it is to do with her, what could I do but be supportive and understanding? Far better to honour what we had by being honest than to let the whole grief of the situation become a reason not to talk, surely?
jenifer1972 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 It's probably triggering some feelings he doesn't want to admit to you.
Author ElixirXY Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 It could be... which would be odd, because this man never changes, so I know the patterns. If it was to do with that he would have said 'I don't know' when I asked but in this instance it was 'I don't give a stuff about all that business right now'. He hasn't really had to ever deal with an emotional loss in his life (to this extent) before - he's quite inexperienced at 'heavy stuff', so I can appreciate his inability to cope and shut down which is what seems to be happening so far. It could involve her - it may not. It may be that he just doesn't want to say the words out loud because when he almost did he just burst into tears. He did say he was angry and numb about whatever it is.... Thanks for the responses. I'll be speaking to him on Monday as he said he would call and i"ve been spending my days working but it's at night and in the small hours that I feel cast adrift and feel the need to connect to others who may have had a similar experience or can maybe share their wisdom. I know that sometimes men just behave crap end of, and maybe ultimately he may be one of those, but I don't think it's as simple as that. He's played it safe all his life and doesn't always handle things well - but thus far he's always opened up in the end, so I guess I just have to wait. I suppose I'm scared his means of 'progress' will be to shut down completely and never open up to me again, but then again, that's his choice.
Author ElixirXY Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 Are there any other guys out there who've experienced this or gals?
stopthemadness Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Wow..am sorry to say this but..He just wants to break things off with you and used this as an excuse. How do I know this? Ive used this line before, really. But I did the right thnig and cut ALL contact with the guy after that. It didnt seem right to string him along when I knew I didnt feel like I could be in a relationship with him. As a matter of fact, he left me a Happy New Year email which I didnt respond to. If truth be told. I know am still not over my ex shouldnt have even started up with anyone. Lesson learned. Just try to move on. Hes just playing games with you hun...
Recommended Posts