She wants exclusivity but not ready to be a girlfriend

[40 Fonzarelli]

Ive been dating this girl exclusively for 6 months now. She says she likes things the way they are and she isn't "there" yet and isn't ready to call me her boyfriend. I asked her if she wants to date others and she says no. So what does this really mean? I take it as she has a low interest, or she is just scared of commitment. But isn't wanting to see someone exclusively, a commitment? I feel like 6 months should be enough time to get to know someone. I really don't know what to do at this point. Go with the flow and wait, give her an ultimatum, or just end things? I don't want to invest more and more with a girl that is on the fence. She is 28 and I am 33.

[blackorchid]

I'm in a similar boat. I don't know what to tell you but you have my sympathy.

[january2011]

Does she have an issue with the term "boyfriend"?

[Untouchable_Fire]

Ive been dating this girl exclusively for 6 months now. She says she likes things the way they are and she isn't "there" yet and isn't ready to call me her boyfriend. I asked her if she wants to date others and she says no. So what does this really mean? I take it as she has a low interest, or she is just scared of commitment. But isn't wanting to see someone exclusively, a commitment? I feel like 6 months should be enough time to get to know someone. I really don't know what to do at this point. Go with the flow and wait, give her an ultimatum, or just end things? I don't want to invest more and more with a girl that is on the fence. She is 28 and I am 33.

 

My take on it is this; There is somebody she does not want to know about you.

[depplover_1980]

As harsh as it is on here with the answers I agree. 6 months is a substantial amount of time to bond and get to know someone and by now she should be proud to be your girlfriend.

 

You have to do the old ultimatum and stick to it too, no contacting her and nurse your hurt. If she comes after you then what you shared is for real, if she doesn't then you have your answer and deserve way more.

[irc333]

Exlusivity IS being someone's boyfriend and/or girlfriend. She seems to not understand apparently.

 

 

Ive been dating this girl exclusively for 6 months now. She says she likes things the way they are and she isn't "there" yet and isn't ready to call me her boyfriend. I asked her if she wants to date others and she says no. So what does this really mean? I take it as she has a low interest, or she is just scared of commitment. But isn't wanting to see someone exclusively, a commitment? I feel like 6 months should be enough time to get to know someone. I really don't know what to do at this point. Go with the flow and wait, give her an ultimatum, or just end things? I don't want to invest more and more with a girl that is on the fence. She is 28 and I am 33.

[East7]

She is just not that into you.

 

I suggest stop wasting your time.

 

I totally agree ! 6 months is more than enough to know if a relationship is working or not. If she didn't develop feelings and attachment in the first 3 months, she never will....She is probably keeping you for not being alone, and probably you are the one with high interest level, not she..

 

You should have known better dude, she is waisting your time! Tell her that you are no more interested in this relationship. Getting her dumped may rekindle her interest in you but in the long run it will not change anything.

[40 Fonzarelli]

Does she have an issue with the term "boyfriend"?

 

I don't think so. Her ex's used the old bait n switch and turned out to be jerks. She says she is cautious and wants to make sure I don't turn out to be a jerk too. She is a bit paranoid. I guess that's the risk you take in any relationship right?

 

My take on it is this; There is somebody she does not want to know about you.

 

But she's told all her friends and even family about me.

 

...She is probably keeping you for not being alone

 

But then why doesn't she want to date anyone else? I explicitly asked her. We met online and she canceled her account about 3 months ago.

[BobSacamento]

If I was in that situation I would not give her an ultimatum. What I would do is take as we are not exclusive. I would start going out, to bars. Try to find what I'm looking for. Basically put her on the back burner.

[40 Fonzarelli]

If I was in that situation I would not give her an ultimatum. What I would do is take as we are not exclusive. I would start going out, to bars. Try to find what I'm looking for. Basically put her on the back burner.

 

Would you tell her you were doing this? If not that wouldn't be right, since she said she doesn't want to date others.

[FreeheartLover]

Everyone's so quick to say "dump her! no contact! drop her!" but I get the feeling that's not the advice you're looking for.

So she's hestitant to jump into the "bf/gf" label, officiality of the relationship, yet she's OK being exclusive and not dating anyone else. So, basically, she's leaving herself an easy out. If she decides you're a jerk and wants out, she can say "we were never bf/gf."

So by allowing her to be indecisive, you're allowing her to have this power, in a sense, over you. She's holding it over your head, kind of.

Women are good at not making decisions. It allows them/us to not be held accountable for our actions.

To me, being exclusive, not dating anyone else, telling your family about the other person, etc allllll equals being in a relationship, which you are! Regardless of bf/gf title, you and her are in a romantic relationship with one another. Period.

She's refusing to label herself as a person in a romantic relationship for fear of being hurt, she says, but it also relinquishes her of relationship obligations and accountability.

I met my current boyfriend of 3 months online, and I would call him my boyfriend, although he was the first one to call me his "girlfriend."

I think you should have an open conversation about it, and bring up these points:

- you've been together for 6 months

- you're exclusive

- you're comfortable telling other people you're together

- regardless of labels, you two are in a romantic relationship together

all of this = you're boyfriend/girlfriend, so why not call it that?

Edited January 16, 2011 by FreeheartLover

[BobSacamento]

Would you tell her you were doing this? If not that wouldn't be right, since she said she doesn't want to date others.

 

Why should I have to tell her when she was the one that told me? She's made it pretty clear.

[40 Fonzarelli]

Everyone's so quick to say "dump her! no contact! drop her!" but I get the feeling that's not the advice you're looking for.

So she's hestitant to jump into the "bf/gf" label, officiality of the relationship, yet she's OK being exclusive and not dating anyone else. So, basically, she's leaving herself an easy out. If she decides you're a jerk and wants out, she can say "we were never bf/gf."

So by allowing her to be indecisive, you're allowing her to have this power, in a sense, over you. She's holding it over your head, kind of.

Women are good at not making decisions. It allows them/us to not be held accountable for our actions.

To me, being exclusive, not dating anyone else, telling your family about the other person, etc allllll equals being in a relationship, which you are! Regardless of bf/gf title, you and her are in a romantic relationship with one another. Period.

She's refusing to label herself as a person in a romantic relationship for fear of being hurt, she says, but it also relinquishes her of relationship obligations and accountability.

I met my current boyfriend of 3 months online, and I would call him my boyfriend, although he was the first one to call me his "girlfriend."

I think you should have an open conversation about it, and bring up these points:

- you've been together for 6 months

- you're exclusive

- you're comfortable telling other people you're together

- regardless of labels, you two are in a romantic relationship together

all of this = you're boyfriend/girlfriend, so why not call it that?

 

You bring up some great points. She wants the benefits of having a boyfriend without the commitment. We recently had the conversation a couple days ago which is why I posted this thread. I don't want to bring it up again so soon. She even said it herself, "If you think about it, we ARE in a relationship". Im just wondering what to do next. Which of these sounds like a good idea?

 

-distance myself and back off a bit

-just go with the flow for another month and then see where she's at

-tell her we can continue seeing each other but date other people too

[FreeheartLover]

You bring up some great points. She wants the benefits of having a boyfriend without the commitment. We recently had the conversation a couple days ago which is why I posted this thread. I don't want to bring it up again so soon. She even said it herself, "If you think about it, we ARE in a relationship". Im just wondering what to do next. Which of these sounds like a good idea?

 

-distance myself and back off a bit

-just go with the flow for another month and then see where she's at

-tell her we can continue seeing each other but date other people too

 

What feels right to you? Do you want to see other people? Is she worth waiting for?

[40 Fonzarelli]

What feels right to you? Do you want to see other people? Is she worth waiting for?

 

She is a great girl and I see long-term potential. However, her uncertainty is off-putting so its tough to view her the same way. I do not WANT to see other people, but I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket either. What if I continue investing in her for months longer for her to just walk. At least by dating others, I will have something to fall back on and it will lessen the hurt. Also, I would not feel right waiting for her to make a decision. Valentine's day is coming soon. Perfect timing .

[East7]

Everyone's so quick to say "dump her! no contact! drop her!" but I get the feeling that's not the advice you're looking for.

So she's hestitant to jump into the "bf/gf" label, officiality of the relationship, yet she's OK being exclusive and not dating anyone else. So, basically, she's leaving herself an easy out. If she decides you're a jerk and wants out, she can say "we were never bf/gf."

So by allowing her to be indecisive, you're allowing her to have this power, in a sense, over you. She's holding it over your head, kind of.

Women are good at not making decisions. It allows them/us to not be held accountable for our actions.

To me, being exclusive, not dating anyone else, telling your family about the other person, etc allllll equals being in a relationship, which you are! Regardless of bf/gf title, you and her are in a romantic relationship with one another. Period.

 

whatever...

 

As much as you may rationalize the bottom-line is that this gal is just not into him. Would it kill her to call him "my boyfriend", is that a marriage promise ?

 

Fonzarelli, open your eyes mate, the actions speak loud. At your age, you should know that a girl that likes you after 6 months wants to show you commitment and say "I love you" every now and then..

What did you have in mind asking her if she wants to go and date other guys? That's not respectful to yourself. It is showing her that you are totally insecure and waiting for her decision.

 

If you don't want to dump her at least man-up and back off.

 

She is a great girl and I see long-term potential. However, her uncertainty is off-putting so its tough to view her the same way. I do not WANT to see other people, but I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket either. What if I continue investing in her for months longer for her to just walk. At least by dating others, I will have something to fall back on and it will lessen the hurt. Also, I would not feel right waiting for her to make a decision. Valentine's day is coming soon. Perfect timing .

 

You and her dating other people is not going to make it any better, it is a bad idea to believe that you can keep each-other as a stand-by plan...it doesn't make sense. Either you guys are together or not together, it is plain simple. You may be surprised and hurt if one day you discover her being with another guy.

If you like, you might as well give yourself a deadline ie. valentine day, and see if it progresses, than after Vday decide to keep her or walk away.

[40 Fonzarelli]

whatever...

 

As much as you may rationalize the bottom-line is that this gal is just not into him. Would it kill her to call him "my boyfriend", is that a marriage promise ?

 

Fonzarelli, open your eyes mate, the actions speak loud. At your age, you should know that a girl that likes you after 6 months wants to show you commitment and say "I love you" every now and then..

What did you have in mind asking her if she wants to go and date other guys? That's not respectful to yourself. It is showing her that you are totally insecure and waiting for her decision.

 

If you don't want to dump her at least man-up and back off.

 

 

 

You and her dating other people is not going to make it any better, it is a bad idea to believe that you can keep each-other as a stand-by plan...it doesn't make sense. Either you guys are together or not together, it is plain simple. You may be surprised and hurt if one day you discover her being with another guy.

If you like, you might as well give yourself a deadline ie. valentine day, and see if it progresses, than after Vday decide to keep her or walk away.

 

Yeah I think that's a good idea. Im gonna wait until then and either back off or walk. I forgot to mention, we've only seen each other about twice a week since we started dating. We both have busy schedules. Also, we were apart for thanksgiving and xmas since her family lives out of town. Not sure if this makes any difference.

[january2011]

I don't think so. Her ex's used the old bait n switch and turned out to be jerks. She says she is cautious and wants to make sure I don't turn out to be a jerk too. She is a bit paranoid. I guess that's the risk you take in any relationship right?

 

Yes, it is. On a personal note, six months is a long time. But then if you really do like her and think she's worth waiting for, you won't mind waiting.

[elastica]

I agree that for most people 6 months is a long time, but there will always be exceptions. I also disagree with posters who say leave her no contact, and she is not into you... Maybe she is taking things slow. I am speaking from experience. There are some people for whom even 12 months is not enough to be able to discuss commitment, although they are basically already commited. And yes, I know this is not the norm!

The reason for this might be simply that they have different sense (or, if you wish, no sense) of time. Maybe they are a little bit too cautious. Just like there are people who like to rush things, others are taking things slow. Who am I to decide that after 6 months a person should be able to completely commit? If it is enough for me, it does not mean it is enough for others, and i can't expect it to be. She already told you she is not dating other people. Her family knows about you. You guys are basically committed. If this makes her happy, why would you rush her and back off from her? Don't play games with her if you have feelings for her!

 

So I am just trying to say that IMO the question of time is irrelevant in some cases, e.g. in your current relationship - everything seems to be going just fine, but you don't see it, because you are too worried about counting the months.

 

Now you cannot decide that a girl is not into you, for example because her sense of time is different than yours. If all the signs, your feelings and your gut and everything else is telling you that she could be a great partner and she is honest (not playing games with you), why would you let her go?

I would say try to enjoy being her Bf, because basically that's what you are.

[40 Fonzarelli]

I agree that for most people 6 months is a long time, but there will always be exceptions. I also disagree with posters who say leave her no contact, and she is not into you... Maybe she is taking things slow. I am speaking from experience. There are some people for whom even 12 months is not enough to be able to discuss commitment, although they are basically already commited. And yes, I know this is not the norm!

The reason for this might be simply that they have different sense (or, if you wish, no sense) of time. Maybe they are a little bit too cautious. Just like there are people who like to rush things, others are taking things slow. Who am I to decide that after 6 months a person should be able to completely commit? If it is enough for me, it does not mean it is enough for others, and i can't expect it to be. She already told you she is not dating other people. Her family knows about you. You guys are basically committed. If this makes her happy, why would you rush her and back off from her? Don't play games with her if you have feelings for her!

 

So I am just trying to say that IMO the question of time is irrelevant in some cases, e.g. in your current relationship - everything seems to be going just fine, but you don't see it, because you are too worried about counting the months.

 

Now you cannot decide that a girl is not into you, for example because her sense of time is different than yours. If all the signs, your feelings and your gut and everything else is telling you that she could be a great partner and she is honest (not playing games with you), why would you let her go?

I would say try to enjoy being her Bf, because basically that's what you are.

 

Thanks for the feedback. Yeah I know she is very cautious because she's been screwed over in the past. She is just afraid that once I become her "boyfriend" I will change and stop putting in effort and take her for granted. I guess she wants to make sure I am being genuine.