murah989 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I've comes to terms that I'm one of those people who shouldn't be dating. I'm way too needy when it comes to women that I want. Yet, women who don't entice me intellectually and emotionally are easy to find and willing to date me because I don't give a s***. I don't want something like that. I want someone who can match my love of music and who I share chemistry with. However, I'm becoming convinced that any relationship that anyone has ever had is because they decided to settle. I've had chances with many women who I've thought were perfect relationship material...and I failed every time because I was too needy and "wanting" them too badly. Is my life a case of "You can't always get what you want...but what you need"?
Hopeful30 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I'm the same. Every relationship I've had, I've settled. But that's because what I truly want doesn't exist. No man has all the qualities I want. So to an extent, we all have to settle because no one is perfect. You need to relax. If you are dating women you want and they actually AGREE going on dates with you, and things seem to go smoothly, then don't ruin it by being so needy. If they don't want you, they wouldn't agree to date you in the first place. You need to learn to relax.
colliejoanie Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I think this is kind of sad. I settled in my last long term relationship and I was miserable. And because I knew every single day, that I had settled, it made me resent him, and it made the relationship even worse. Please don't settle. There's someone out there. There's got to be, right? Otherwise, all these people are just settling......how miserable their lives must be!!!!
january2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 In my experience, relationships can require work, every day. They are also dynamic in terms of ups and downs, good years and bad years. I actually think that settling is not really what it's all about. What it's all about, in my opinion, is "does the relationship work for both partners? Are they better together than on their own? Am I making this person's life better? Are they making my life better?"
Author murah989 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 I'm the same. Every relationship I've had, I've settled. But that's because what I truly want doesn't exist. No man has all the qualities I want. So to an extent, we all have to settle because no one is perfect. You need to relax. If you are dating women you want and they actually AGREE going on dates with you, and things seem to go smoothly, then don't ruin it by being so needy. If they don't want you, they wouldn't agree to date you in the first place. You need to learn to relax. I've psychoanalyzed myself so much these past few months. I never ever ever ever want to settle for anyone. But then, I get this little tinge in my head " You don't deserve this amazing girl" and " you're too needy to date". I never settled for my ex..I wanted her and I damn sure as hell won her heart. But now that we're separated, I sometimes get a feeling like no one will ever be able to put up with my neediness. I don't want to change for anyone, but I wish these feelings would go away. It gets so bad sometimes, that even going to a concert with a girl( casual date for me) I start thinking of marriage and kids and crap. That's not a healthy way to think for someone my age. I can't settle, I won't do it. Amazing body or not..if we can't agree on a lot of issues or even music tastes, I won't want to date you long term. Casual dating is fine, but that's it.
january2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I start thinking of marriage and kids and crap. That's not a healthy way to think for someone my age. You are, who you are.
colliejoanie Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I don't know. I've obviously and definitely not perfected this dating thing, but I feel like if you're feeling anxious and needy in a relationship (barring emotional issues that you may need to deal with on a professional level) then maybe you're not getting what you need out of the relationship. The neediness you feel could be you grasping for the things you need. And that's not something to be ashamed of.....it's what you NEED. So, if you're not getting what you want from the other person you're going to feel panicky. Once someone comes along that wants the same things, gives the same amount, has a similar view of the future, I don't think you'll get that "needy" feeling. Go easy on yourself.
depplover_1980 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Can you go into more details of this 'neediness' you have and why it is such a negative thing in your head? Are your needs greater than the average person and how are you measuring them? Did your ex end it stating this reason, if so were the reasons genuine or really and excuse for her own shortcomings, ie a transferal of blame?
Titania22 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 So, if you're not getting what you want from the other person you're going to feel panicky. Once someone comes along that wants the same things, gives the same amount, has a similar view of the future, I don't think you'll get that "needy" feeling. Go easy on yourself. This is very thought provoking for me, as I have had a mild panicky feeling around certain people I have dated in the past. I am going to have to think about this one, some more.
Disillusioned Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I had that problem 5 years ago. Finally, I figured, what am I nuts? I bought a Realdoll. It's been like giving the Finger to every "perfect" unavailable woman. So what if they don't appreciate it?
Author murah989 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 (edited) Can you go into more details of this 'neediness' you have and why it is such a negative thing in your head? Are your needs greater than the average person and how are you measuring them? Did your ex end it stating this reason, if so were the reasons genuine or really and excuse for her own shortcomings, ie a transferal of blame? I have always felt needy in a relationship setting... I was the outcast pretty much from the time I entered pre-school to when I started my freshman year of college. My family was very loving an affectionate and I had everything a growing boy could ever want. So I weeded the "neediness" factor from my family...it simply couldn't be them. However, I always thought that my neediness comes from my relationships ( friends and otherwise) throughout my school years. No one ever picked on me, or teased me..but I was just floating around. Even now, I'm looking for that one group of friends that makes me feel wanted and whatnot. I was also diagnosed with Crohn's disease when I was 10...it was just a rough time; both for my family and especially myself. As for my ex...I was the one to break things off. Our troubles were related to the neediness and how it affected both of us. She was needy, I was needy; it was not a good mixture. We loved each other very much, but in the end we were suffocating each other more than anything else. Edited January 16, 2011 by murah989
Stung Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I can assure you that not every relationship ever has been because of settling. It is tremendously common for people in the dating world to go through phases of 'the people I like don't like me, and I don't like the people who like me.' Tremendously common. Don't get too disheartened by the phenomenon, for most people it lifts at points and there is harmony.
LoveLetter Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 For me, I don't have a list of characteristics of qualities that I mentally check off when I meet someone I feel initially attracted to. I believe that when you meet your soulmate, he or she is definitely not going to be perfect. But that's not important, what's important is that you make it work together. But that's just my opinion.
Author murah989 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 For me, I don't have a list of characteristics of qualities that I mentally check off when I meet someone I feel initially attracted to. I believe that when you meet your soulmate, he or she is definitely not going to be perfect. But that's not important, what's important is that you make it work together. But that's just my opinion. I don't expect my soulmate to be perfect. But I can't just go on the assumption that we have nothing in common, and we're radically different, that somehow things are going to work. I'm just afraid of finding someone I'm miserable with. I used to take a liking towards people I was attracted to. That made things waaaay easier then what I'm doing now. Having a checklist is important IMO. I don't care if you're attractive, but if you have no ambition or values, I might aswell buy a fleshlight . So I have to work a little harder for what I want. I'm just hoping the rewards will pay off.
Ometeotl Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Do not settle man, time is on YOUR side. You know what you want, all you need know is what you want to WANT YOU. Figure out how to make that happen and your golden.
fishtaco Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 It's a fine line. If you settle, then you will be unfulfilled. If you don't settle, well, then you are delusional. I'm searching for that line right now. You need to know yourself, and you need to know what's out there. Knowing yourself will give you the lower limit of what not to go below. Knowing what's out there will give you a more reasonable expectation. For example. I'm not a jealous guy. I would like to find a woman that's also not jealous. Surprise! That's only a theoretical possibility. In practice, the only non jealous women I'll ever meet are those from online forums. So I've scratched that off my list. Instead, as long as I can manage her jealousy, then she passes. Basically I've resigned to the fact that on a regular basis, I will have to spend the effort to sweet talk her for no good reason, other than to sooth her jealousy over nothing. Or in sweet talk mode... to give her my support when she's feeling less than her normally attractive self. So maybe I settled, maybe I made a reasonable correction of my expectations. Who knows?
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