Boyfriend has been posting ads on craigslist..

[Romance]

I logged into his email. never had before but I got a gut feeling and I did it. I am so glad I did.

 

He had been making posts and replying to posts asking for women AND men. I am so stunned and shocked, I found out on tuesday and have been dealing with this since. He says he's never met up with anyone which does seem likely because no phone numbers were exchanged and he would eventually quit replying and move the messages to the trash box.

 

However, the posts were VERY graphic and saying he was looking for a "top" and he was the "bottom". Wanted to be fu**** and sucked...he didn't like kissing or close body touching with the men. He asked for a bi couple interested in a threesome.. He denies being gay or bi. He says he absolutely isn't...hard to believe..

 

We're long distance..five hours. I was planning on moving there in the fall. He says it's a compulsive problem of his, he can't help it. He likes to tell people what they want to hear.

 

So I made a fake email and replied pretending to be a girl..he was saying he wanted to meet up with me and all that..sent me a picture of him naked..denied having a gf. So I sent a picture of us back to him. So, of course at that point he realized he was caught.

 

 

I don't know what to do. He has a therapy appointment next week. I know the answer easiest to write down is 'break up.' but it's not that simple to me.

 

[TaraMaiden]

Why not?

 

The simplest answers are often the best.

Why you wouldn't want the best for yourself is beyond me.

 

But he ain't it.

Your happiness isn't dependent on being with him.

But you seem to be convinced it is.

Tell my why that would be.

 

Good luck with that, by the way, hun.......

[Kamille]

((Romance))

 

I'm not sure LS is the best forum to discuss such a complex issue.

 

I remember reading in sex ed that a significant percentage of heterosexuals have same sex fantasies. What draws heterosexuals to homoerotic fantasies could be its taboo nature. Likewise, writing to strangers on the internet is somewhat of a taboo today. So I'm thinking your bf is more drawn to illicit sex than anything else.

 

What that would mean, though, I can't tell you. It's something he's going to have to figure out. You'll have to figure out what this all means to you.

 

best of luck, and remember to put your well-being first.

[Romance]

I guess I jumped to LS because I am not sure who else to talk to. I go to a therapist for my own depression, so hopefully she can help me sort it out. But until I can get to her..any people in the same situation would be nice to talk to.

[Ruby Slippers]

I wouldn't waste my time. This man has major issues, and those take YEARS to resolve, if they ever get resolved. Do you really want to spend your precious time nurturing such a conflicted man, with whom the risk of you getting hurt badly is very high? I think you can do better.

[Romance]

Why not?

 

The simplest answers are often the best.

Why you wouldn't want the best for yourself is beyond me.

 

But he ain't it.

Your happiness isn't dependent on being with him.

But you seem to be convinced it is.

Tell my why that would be.

 

Good luck with that, by the way, hun.......

 

My best friend just died and I'm in no emotional place to go through this massive loss again. My best friend and my boyfriend were my..everything. I really have no other friends..and now I am losing them both..I just want to hold on..to someone.

[TaraMaiden]

Well hold on to us.

This is a fantastic place to come to, when you need a shoulder to lean on.

 

My father died in October, and I was with him - and with my mother - as he died.

I have so many wonderful people on here who are both supportive and empathetic.

And I really mean this - there is no better place to be, than here - because you find yourself helping others, and there's no better therapy for loneliness and grief, than focussing on the loneliness and grief other humans are sharing.

I'm serious.

He's a cheating, lying hurtful, flake.

We don't suffer fools like him very gladly.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through pain right now, but he's busy thinking of ways to cover his @ss.

Last thing he wants to do is to support you, when he's been found out for the jerk he truly is.

[cerridwen]

((Romance))

 

I'm not sure LS is the best forum to discuss such a complex issue.

 

 

The central issue is deception not sexual preference (as I see it anyway) so this forum is okay.

 

OP, I would suggest talking to him however "he likes to tell people what they want to hear." Obviously, this is a HUGE problem, a huge huge problem.

 

You don't know whether you can believe him about this or any other issue. <--At least you shouldn't. To have the person closest to you lying to you, makes one feel very alone. You fear breaking up because you just lost your friend, but don't you already feel alone? Now that he's deceived you this way? What a selfish little lying pr*ck. Nice timing

 

Do talk to your therapist about establishing alternate support systems. As TaraMaiden said, "hang out" with us, post your feelings and let us be of help to you.

[Romance]

Well yes LS is a nice place to get support but I do need real life people too! Thats why this is so rough.

 

He's been uber depressed and I guess..this just came out.

 

I have been ignoring his texts and messages for days and since we don't live near each other, thats out only way of contact. Sooo..I am not sure. We had a long phone call the night I found out but otherwise I have just been getting mass amounts of Im sorry, I love you, I want to fix this, you're the best thing to happen to me, I messed up so bad..baby please.. I need you..type things. I've ignored them all.

 

not sure if I should give him a phone call tonight to talk it out again. I do want to help him get help, even if that makes me pathetic. I am the only one who knows he has this issue. While he has CRUSHED me, I am a nice and supportive person. I guess..he's just struggling :/

 

I am definitely getting an std test though, ..to be sure.

[Ophelia11]

I had a similar thing happen to me. My husband of ten years, father of my three children (ages 5,4,2) was meeting men to give blow jobs. He thought he has contracted a disease and I had been researching symptoms on the computer. I found trails of this. He denied it. I don't care about people being homosexual. I do care about being cheated on and exposed to potentially deadly disease by the man I have chosen to love and spend the rest of my life with. Like yours, he choose to lie and lie some more until he was caught red handed.

 

Looking back, I remember the shady emails I choose to ignore, the lies I convinced myself to believe and wish I had listened to myself and did what my intuitions suggested, even though it seemed hard back then. It would have been easy than dealing with it now after spending 16 years of my life with a man who cared much much more about himself and his fantasies than the things in life that mean the most.

 

I have been through hell over the past year dealing with divorce, being a single parent to three small children. The deception is so hurtful.

 

I am sorry to say this, but forgive him now and you will be dealing with this again later. Guaranteed.

 

You are worth more. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. You deserve to be able to make a choice to have sex in a commited relationship. He did not give you the choice because he does not respect you or himself.

[psadvocate]

I am going through something very similar - I have recently found my BF was searching through many ads on craigslist...male for male, male for woman...i didnt go into his email or anything so I dont know if he's actually addressed people so I feel for you on your level

 

He assures me its just something he likes reading about, seeing about, seeing what kinda weird **** people are into. Do I believe him? Yeah...sort of do. i really WANT to believe him.

 

It's a hard thing to find out, but a good thing. You've got to do some soul searching and see if this is something you want to pursue. How long have you been together?

[welikeincrowds]

Sex is a complicated thing. Arousal is not always an expression of sexual attraction/affection. But it often is.

 

For what it's worth, I don't see anything wrong with doing Craigslist sex stuff, as long as all the proper safety measures are taken. In relationships, I still don't see the problem, as long as both partners have agreed to clear boundaries about it ahead of time (no repeat hookups, no kissing, I don't know, whatever applies).

 

But that's not the problem here. The problem here is that your boyfriend's behavior has been destructive. He's not owning up to his desires, and is thus unable to take responsibility for them. More importantly, his decisions were bigger than himself: you are affected by them. He has violated your trust and put you in danger.

 

It would be difficult to call this a mistake. It is egregiously selfish. I want to defend him to you, but I can't find a way.

[Romance]

I had a similar thing happen to me. My husband of ten years, father of my three children (ages 5,4,2) was meeting men to give blow jobs. He thought he has contracted a disease and I had been researching symptoms on the computer. I found trails of this. He denied it. I don't care about people being homosexual. I do care about being cheated on and exposed to potentially deadly disease by the man I have chosen to love and spend the rest of my life with. Like yours, he choose to lie and lie some more until he was caught red handed.

 

Looking back, I remember the shady emails I choose to ignore, the lies I convinced myself to believe and wish I had listened to myself and did what my intuitions suggested, even though it seemed hard back then. It would have been easy than dealing with it now after spending 16 years of my life with a man who cared much much more about himself and his fantasies than the things in life that mean the most.

 

I have been through hell over the past year dealing with divorce, being a single parent to three small children. The deception is so hurtful.

 

I am sorry to say this, but forgive him now and you will be dealing with this again later. Guaranteed.

 

You are worth more. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. You deserve to be able to make a choice to have sex in a commited relationship. He did not give you the choice because he does not respect you or himself.

 

 

God, I am sorry. This is what I've thought about. I do not want to marry someone and find out in 10 years he is gay. This is my fear. My fear is that it will happen again. I just want to believe him

I am going through something very similar - I have recently found my BF was searching through many ads on craigslist...male for male, male for woman...i didnt go into his email or anything so I dont know if he's actually addressed people so I feel for you on your level

 

He assures me its just something he likes reading about, seeing about, seeing what kinda weird **** people are into. Do I believe him? Yeah...sort of do. i really WANT to believe him.

 

It's a hard thing to find out, but a good thing. You've got to do some soul searching and see if this is something you want to pursue. How long have you been together?

 

If he's looking at them..I feel like there's chances he is maybe contacting them. I am glad to have someone here going through a similar thing, it helps.

 

We've been together for almost three years. I am 20, he's 23.

[Citizen Erased]

If you do forgive him, will you still move to be with him? And if you don't, would you want to continue a LDR with someone that you obviously can't trust.

 

People that are caught doing things they shouldn't with other people usually claim how messed up they are as an excuse. It's not.

[Romance]

If you do forgive him, will you still move to be with him? And if you don't, would you want to continue a LDR with someone that you obviously can't trust.

 

People that are caught doing things they shouldn't with other people usually claim how messed up they are as an excuse. It's not.

 

he asked me if i was still going to his college and my reply was 'fu*k no" I wanted to be with him everyday at his colllege more than ANYTHING.

 

Not to defend him but he has been very, very depressed and suicidal in the past..so I CAN see this going along with all of that. And he's going to therapy monday

 

Ultimately, I think I'll tell him tonight I'll take him back and see him again (were ldr but 5 hours..so its doable with out being some big expensive plane ticket) and I think my feelings will slowly dwindle because I can't look at him the same. And once I meet a new guy, I'll dump him.

 

Just from the circumstances of my bff dying (she was my cousin also, she was my entire life..spent everyday with her..Im devastated) I don't want to be alone at this hard time in my life, I really don't.

 

I want to support him through therapy, I do want that.

 

God,I never expected this from him..he's always been perfect. I guess too perfect to be real.

[ConflictedGuy27]

therapy cannot "fix" bisexuality anymore than it can "fix" my heterosexuality or another man's homosexuality.

 

it's the hand we're dealt, really. I don't know about any of you guys, but I never made a conscious decision to be attracted to women.

 

you acted on your gut instinct and, in a very well played manner, you got to the bottom of things. you know what you need to do, but doing so will likely leave you (very temporarily) lonely.

 

I believe the prescription for your situation is bravery. you may have to tough this one out & go on a hunt for new hobbies/friendships. I felt like you did before I made the decision to divorce my cheating wife; I really felt like much of my world revolved around her, therefore I kept pursuing the unhealthiest option of all - staying with her - to do anything other than try to fix things meant me being seriously alone. that's how I rationalized it -- self preservation, you know?

 

In my situation, I needed bravery too, but it's tough to muster; very tough when you're in the trenches.

 

OP, after she and I broke up I did make new friends; better and more fulfilling friendships actually. life needs to goes on, and we waste precious, precious time by dragging out making the correct decision.

 

you're very bright, so I'm confident you'll do what's right for you, when the time comes. continue to post on LS. this community helped me through a very challenging & life changing period in my life - but totally a change for the best.

 

good luck, OP. you'll be just fine.

Edited January 15, 2011 by ConflictedGuy27

[Disillusioned]

Anyone with half a brain knows that the men on CL just want to have perverse, nearly illegal sex, and the women on CL are either hookers trolling for johns, or else they're fat meanies no guy wants to date.

[Romance]

therapy cannot "fix" bisexuality anymore than it can "fix" my heterosexuality or another man's homosexuality.

 

it's the hand we're dealt, really. I don't know about any of you guys, but I never made a conscious decision to be attracted to women.

 

you acted on your gut instinct and, in a very well played manner, you got to the bottom of things. you know what you need to do, but doing so will likely leave you (very temporarily) lonely.

 

I believe the prescription for your situation is bravery. you may have to tough this one out & go on a hunt for new hobbies/friendships. I felt like you did before I made the decision to divorce my cheating wife; I really felt like much of my world revolved around her, therefore I kept pursuing the unhealthiest option of all - staying with her - to do anything other than try to fix things meant me being seriously alone. that's how I rationalized it -- self preservation, you know?

 

In my situation, I needed bravery too, but it's tough to muster; very tough when you're in the trenches.

 

OP, after she and I broke up I did make new friends; better and more fulfilling friendships actually. life needs to goes on, and we waste precious, precious time by dragging out making the correct decision.

 

you're very bright, so I'm confident you'll do what's right for you, when the time comes. continue to post on LS. this community helped me through a very challenging & life changing period in my life - but totally a change for the best.

 

good luck, OP. you'll be just fine.

 

He will not admit that he is bisexual or gay or anything, says he's totally straight. I want therapy to help him work through that and be able to figure out if he is... I mean..maybe that's why he's so depressed. He's gay or bi and can't admit it. To anyone. It's tear someone up.

 

And thanks for the words of support.

[Els]

Romance, I am so very sorry.

 

The thing about is, LDRs require so much sacrifice, on both parts, to maintain. You evidently are the one doing all of that. Do you think it is worth it when he cannot even keep himself from doing THIS?

 

He not only posted ads, he LIED to you about it when you confronted him and started exchanging graphic messages with your alterego. I don't see how being messed up can account for that. At the very WORST, he should have come clean when confronted and offered to do whatever he can to make up for it and improve himself. And even that is iffy. You are not breaking up with him because he is bisexual - you are doing it because he is cheating on you and didn't even come clean the first chance he got, plain and simple.

 

I know saying 'break up with him' is easier than doing this, and I rarely advocate it except in clear-cut cases. In fact, I have probably only advocated it a handful of times in my 4000+ posts here.

 

Your case is so very, very clear-cut.

[Romance]

Romance, I am so very sorry.

 

The thing about is, LDRs require so much sacrifice, on both parts, to maintain. You evidently are the one doing all of that. Do you think it is worth it when he cannot even keep himself from doing THIS?

 

He not only posted ads, he LIED to you about it when you confronted him and started exchanging graphic messages with your alterego. I don't see how being messed up can account for that. At the very WORST, he should have come clean when confronted and offered to do whatever he can to make up for it and improve himself. And even that is iffy. You are not breaking up with him because he is bisexual - you are doing it because he is cheating on you and didn't even come clean the first chance he got, plain and simple.

 

I know saying 'break up with him' is easier than doing this, and I rarely advocate it except in clear-cut cases. In fact, I have probably only advocated it a handful of times in my 4000+ posts here.

 

Your case is so very, very clear-cut.

 

 

Well, he had NO IDEA I knew..until I sent the photo of us. at the point..he called me an hour later to talk about it. So, he didn't lie. Unless you think he's lying about never meeting up with anyone. I can't be sure if he did or if he didn't but I know his word means nothing now.

 

So, as soon as he knew he was caught, he came clean. But..yeah his trust means..nothing. I want him to get therapy, for sure. But I dont think I can ever be sexual with him again? Or intimate at all, Idk

[Els]

He says he's never met up with anyone which does seem likely because no phone numbers were exchanged and he would eventually quit replying and move the messages to the trash box.

 

----------------------

 

So I made a fake email and replied pretending to be a girl..he was saying he wanted to meet up with me and all that..sent me a picture of him naked..denied having a gf. So I sent a picture of us back to him. So, of course at that point he realized he was caught.

 

I am confused. What about this?

[bac]

He does not need any therapy because he is absolutely healthy and normal from the medical point of view.

He is just who he is and nothing can change it. Let him be himself. If he is bi or has sex addiction, no therapy can change it. Those guys are not able to change themselves even when they have several young kids and their wives file for divorce.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He is never going to be the man for you that you want him to be. I struggled for three years with a man like this. He wasn't posting on Craigslist or anything like that but he was deeply closeted. His first sexual experiences were with a guy and I guess the idea of being gay scared him so much that he withdrew deep, deep into the closet. I was glad he told me about it, but honestly even then he was in denial about why he was with a man - "I was lonely, I couldn't get girls, guys were the only ones paying attention, etc." He swore he was completely straight and I believed him because I wanted to.

 

He never got to the point where there was enough emotional intimacy that would have allowed us to move past a certain point in our relationship. Why? Because his self denial kept him from ever being able to. He was so busy struggling with his deepest fears that he had no time to devote to real honestly intimacy with another person, let alone a woman!

 

You can stay with this guy but I have a feeling that once you hit the wall with him you will eventually tire of never getting any further with him and will be forced to either accept someone who can't accept himself or walk away and look for someone with more emotional freedom to devote to you.

 

There's no finish line in this relationship - its more of a treadmill in other words.

[Questionis]

I wouldn't waste my time. This man has major issues, and those take YEARS to resolve, if they ever get resolved. Do you really want to spend your precious time nurturing such a conflicted man, with whom the risk of you getting hurt badly is very high? I think you can do better.

This is what I would have said.

Also nice move sending him the pic of both of you. I bet he won't forget that in a hurry!

Anyway cut your losses and move on, you can use the years that you would have spent waiting around from him to put yourself out there and meet someone good.

Someone who will love you and treat you with respect and spend his time not looking for bi threesomes on craigslist but for ways to make you happy. Go on... give it a try

[Romance]

He is never going to be the man for you that you want him to be. I struggled for three years with a man like this. He wasn't posting on Craigslist or anything like that but he was deeply closeted. His first sexual experiences were with a guy and I guess the idea of being gay scared him so much that he withdrew deep, deep into the closet. I was glad he told me about it, but honestly even then he was in denial about why he was with a man - "I was lonely, I couldn't get girls, guys were the only ones paying attention, etc." He swore he was completely straight and I believed him because I wanted to.

 

He never got to the point where there was enough emotional intimacy that would have allowed us to move past a certain point in our relationship. Why? Because his self denial kept him from ever being able to. He was so busy struggling with his deepest fears that he had no time to devote to real honestly intimacy with another person, let alone a woman!

 

You can stay with this guy but I have a feeling that once you hit the wall with him you will eventually tire of never getting any further with him and will be forced to either accept someone who can't accept himself or walk away and look for someone with more emotional freedom to devote to you.

 

There's no finish line in this relationship - its more of a treadmill in other words.

 

Thank you for this post. I feel like this..describes him. He says hes never met a man he's attracted to but the thought of male sex has crossed his mind. he denies being gay or even bi!

 

i think I'll eventually hit a wall with him, yep.