Author KennyD Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 "To give understanding in place of expectation. To give patience in place of haste. To give compassion in place of ego fulfillment. To give friendship instead of demanding a commitment the other may not be ready to make. For as you sow, so shall you reap. As you give, so will you be given to in return. As you reach out of your comfort zone to be there for the other, you will find that in time, they will reach out of their comfort zone to return your goodness to you. They will give, they will commit to you, for you will have shown them that you are worthy of their commitment, and they shall ask you to share your life with them. For it is the one who endures both the good times and the difficult times who ultimately wins the love, respect, admiration, and commitment from the other. It is very rare to have someone in your life who will be there for you as a true friend; this is a gift."
Author KennyD Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 f one person is ready to move forward, ready to create a more intimate connection, and the other is not, what then? Many people could have reached the level of intimacy and commitment they desired if they had only received the patience, compassion, and understanding of the other. Yet many people are childish when it comes to matters of the heart. Many do not have the patience to work on a relationship if it does not fulfill all of their expectations as quickly as they would like. As a result, you have breakups, people longing for each other, people with pain in their hearts, when simple compassion and understanding could have brought them all they desired over time. Many people end relationships because they do not understand that friendship is the key - that they need to build trust and enjoy the company of the other without all the formal dating or courtship behaviors. Yes, courtship, dating, sex, romance are all vital to a romantic relationship, but there are many people who have issues of intimacy to work through first. Many people need to go slowly and build trust, reaching a certain comfort level with someone before they can commit themselves. So in this case, if one is ready for a committed, exclusive relationship and the other is not, instead of hastily and prematurely ending the relationship, turn it into a friendship. Stop the pressures of dating and courtship. Allow yourselves to bond in a deep, respectful, and trusting union as friends, as best friends. If the attraction is there, if the chemistry is right, if the two of you have much in common and share meaningful goals, why should that beautiful experience be ended completely? Instead, you can continue the growth and development of your friendship, which, after all, is the true foundation of any real marriage. So if you are ready for commitment and your partner is not, release the pressure and just be friends. Best friends. No sex, no dates, no candlelight intimacy. You will find that as the bond of friendship grows, as the trust deepens, the one who was not previously ready suddenly is ready. And you have been there all along. You reached from your heart to give understanding instead of demanding a commitment of emotions and actions the other was just not ready to give. Time heals fear. Time builds trust, and love grows over time. Reading this makes me feel I should try to just support her through these hard times. It's such a catch twenty two guys.... P.S. Good thing my job is from home haha
carhill Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Nice article. Good luck in meeting a woman with that psychology or who values that psychology in this lifetime. I've been around for 51 and not even come close, married or single. I will say my married female friends (meaning the wives of my male friends) are closer to this psychology than any others I've known and they've been a great support and I appreciate that and return it. OP, returning to the title, I found that acceptance of the 'love' dynamic to be key in letting it go. It took psychological therapy to get to that place of acceptance. After more than a generation, it and she are no longer on my mind and barely in my memory. Acceptance is a wonderful state of mind.
Author KennyD Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 Hopeless...lol. Damn Ah well, I will sit back and see what she does. Just going to focus on work, time stands still right now and has the past 3 days. If it's true, it will happen. It's as simple as that, and I need to stop making it this difficult. If it doesnt, it was never meant to be-- if it does...go for it. SIMPLE. (If only life was that way though, right guys)
Hopeful30 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I think she is just keeping you around for comfort. Whenever things are okay with her other "boyfriend" she doesn't bother keeping in touch. But when something is wrong, she runs to you seeking comfort and advice. You are her cushion. I'm sorry that you fell in love with her, but you should move on my friend.
Author KennyD Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Well I texted her shortly after my posts here. Asked her how disneyland was (she went with her 2 year old)....and she turned it all on me "I guess i wasn't worth the pain, just leave me alone" (what she does because she knows it irks me) and we exchanged texts for a few hours. I have come to the realization that I am somewhat of a masochist, and sadly my pain brings me pleasure. A good friend put it into terms for me....with my rough childhood (mom tried to kill herself in front of me, both father and mother drug addicts and alcoholics, etc, etc you know the normal)...I "need" and "want" the excitement. Pretty sick....I know. But, we talked yesterday, and today she was busy cleaning so she said she'd call me right back. After 2 hours I sent a text just giving her some **** saying "Thanks for calling me back.. " and she immediately called me and said "REALLY? ARE YOU REALLY GONNA GET MAD?"....lol I just said "what are u talking about, i just would like to talk to you and you did say you would call me right back that's all"....needless to say she told me see you later and I'll call you later lol. No contact will not help me. I guess I have to lose interest in her the same way I fell in love with her....to see how she really is. And I am finding out...that person does not give her heart to me at all Sorry guys, the ex is still living with her. She obviously is just keeping me around as the other guy. And as sad as it sounds, I don't wish to change it. My mind will convince my heart soon enough to let her go. If you can't be "exclusive" with someone you have been intimate with before (dated for 5-6 months), you just want to play the field-- and that's okay-- good luck.
Author KennyD Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) She is uncomfortable with me coming to her house....there is a warning sign. I told her I dont get it, I dont have a problem with the ex boyfriend (except what she tells me...he hits her, calls her names, etc, etc), but apparantely "He would say something about it". What does it matter, IT'S HER HOUSE. This woman I love, seems to just be too confused. I feel bad for her, she has such potential but I am old enough to just accept I can't be who she wants, or more so-- she doesn't want what I can offer. So, I just sit back and see, and wait...knowing I'm fighting a losing battle. What's so dissapointing is she keeps saying "I'm in love with you kenny", and when I told her I am feeling like she just doesnt love me anything more than a friend and she replies "NO! thats not how it is".... Well, actions speak louder than words. I am a fool in love, and it's a common story. It is her loss, as I know I am a catch. And as long as you love yourself...at least someone does And for the people who are replying...keep in mind it's hard to listen to others when the person you are in love with is telling you all these things. I am an honest person, I do not tell people "I love them" just to make them happy...I say it because I mean it. Everybody is pretty much shaking their heads at me, but maybe, just maybe...this girl is really that messed up and needs time FOR HERSELF TO LOVE HERSELF, before loving me the way I love her. The saddest part is, I'm used to it now. Nothing surprises me. The pain I feel flees very fast, and I return to normal. NC for 3 days made me feel like I was giving up on someone, and in turn was "punishing" myself and the woman I love (Or in my f*cked up head...this is normal) I also work with her at my part-time job, and no transfer is still available (messed that up myself). So imagine seeing this person at work....there is no "no contact", you can't "ignore"....its a constant reminder of what u cant have. I even thought of quitting, now I just took 2 weeks off from there to get away Hopeless? Absolutely. Genuine? You better believe it. Giving up? Nope, just not in my nature. Same old story? Yes Edited January 17, 2011 by KennyD
GivenUp0083 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Hey guys, Well long story short- For the past year I have been on an on again off again relationship. I work with this girl. I am in love with her. She has a kid who is two, and she has her own house and recently allowed her ex-boyfriend (father of her kid) to stay with her (they dated for 4 years prior to my involvement). We dated for about 5 months, fell in love...but she broke up with me stating she had to do whats best for her family (7 months ago). I tried the friend route 3 times (this being my most recent), and did stop talking to her here and there... So, a few months went by and she contacted me (I ignored her at work) and she was NOT happy with the guy she was with, and longed to meet with me. So, we began talking again...she would come over, things were back to normal (talking all day, texting all night, flirting at work, etc)... So she contacts you when things go wrong with her current boyfriends that she chooses to be with OVER you. Check. She feared that I could not handle her being close to me and not wanting more-- I was a fool to think I could handle it. I am absolutely in love with her, and she has told me she is IN LOVE WITH ME....but that she is not ready to be in a committed relationship. Hold the phone, she's in love with you but not ready to be in a relationship with you? Really? Here's a tip: Women who love you want to be with you. End of story. She came crying to my house a month ago after a fight with her ex-boyfriend/boyfriend/guy who lives with her and is father of kid....and told me she was done with him. Again, contacts you when her boyfriend she likes better than you has a fight with her....got it. A month later, he is still living there...she told me his parents dont want him in the house, and he is looking for a place to live....Meanwhile I am on the back burner and cant go to her house to see her because of him. You even know you're on the back burner, yet you still talk to this woman? She tells me im the most amazing guy she has ever met in her life...etc, etc...loves me more, misses me, etc... She tells tells tells....If I tell you that you owe me a million dollars will you give it to me? Well, I had enough of this and on Wednesday I told her this is hurting me too much and that I can't accept just being friends-- and its tearing up my heart to not be with her. I told her I have to take a step back and let her go.... Finally you learned and if it comes back it is true. And I was wrong I told her I cant do this anymore if she isn't willing to be exclusive with me. She made it seem like I've "given up on her" (as she stated)....and I told her no, I am giving her freedom to "do her" (as she said she wanted) and let her figure out her life. I told her I love her enough to let get go figure out her life and get it where she wants it...and that I long for the day she may come back to me. If you are giving up on her, because you should, because she never wants to be with you, she wants your shoulder to cry on. Do you love YOURSELF enough to save yourself from her? She'll bring you down, I've been there, as tough as it is you need to cut her from your life completely, she will NEVER be with you, do you understand? 3 days later, I havent contacted her....she hasnt contacted me. It hurts me inside because she cant see a future with me-- however I know not to pressure someone and this is why I had to let her go to be free and then, and only then--- she can figure out "what she wants" (she says she doesnt know what she wants)....and then if she comes back, we can be exclusive. Maybe she doesn't know what she wants, but I'll tell you what she does NOT want.....it's you. Get it through your head, you will never be with her, she will never come back, you never had her. You need to move on with your life she is a disease, and fatal effing disease to your life. Am I right to continue the No Contact rule, even if I just want to say Hello to her-- she has issues of abandonedment and I dont want her thinking I gave up on her, when in reality it was just unhealthy for me to want more and give her all of my love without getting it back. I told her I had to be number 1 in her life (behind her son of course), and that I just wish she saw a future with me....and I left it at that, nothing angry....just opened by heart to her. You say you're number one but you're not treating yourself number 1. Eff her feelings man, does she really care about yours? How bad are you hurting right now? Do you like this feeling? She is doing this to you and does not care, she is puting her needs ahead of your feelings, remember this feeling and ask yourself if this makes you happy. If you don't keep the "no contact rule" for the rest of your life you will do nothing but bring agonizing pain to your soul. Now I sit and wait to see if she really wants me, or just wanted "the thought of me" You don't sit and wait, you ask out other girls on dates Thanks for helping me...I dont know where else to go and I dont think I should talk to her right now so I'd rather get different opinions and give her more space I just hope you listen and move on before you make the mistake I did. These types of women are an epidemic and will plague your life as long as they need you. Kenny Good luck Kenny
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