KennyD Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Hey guys, Well long story short- For the past year I have been on an on again off again relationship. I work with this girl. I am in love with her. She has a kid who is two, and she has her own house and recently allowed her ex-boyfriend (father of her kid) to stay with her (they dated for 4 years prior to my involvement). We dated for about 5 months, fell in love...but she broke up with me stating she had to do whats best for her family (7 months ago). I tried the friend route 3 times (this being my most recent), and did stop talking to her here and there... So, a few months went by and she contacted me (I ignored her at work) and she was NOT happy with the guy she was with, and longed to meet with me. So, we began talking again...she would come over, things were back to normal (talking all day, texting all night, flirting at work, etc)... She feared that I could not handle her being close to me and not wanting more-- I was a fool to think I could handle it. I am absolutely in love with her, and she has told me she is IN LOVE WITH ME....but that she is not ready to be in a committed relationship. She came crying to my house a month ago after a fight with her ex-boyfriend/boyfriend/guy who lives with her and is father of kid....and told me she was done with him. A month later, he is still living there...she told me his parents dont want him in the house, and he is looking for a place to live....Meanwhile I am on the back burner and cant go to her house to see her because of him. She tells me im the most amazing guy she has ever met in her life...etc, etc...loves me more, misses me, etc... Well, I had enough of this and on Wednesday I told her this is hurting me too much and that I can't accept just being friends-- and its tearing up my heart to not be with her. I told her I have to take a step back and let her go....and if it comes back it is true. I told her I cant do this anymore if she isn't willing to be exclusive with me. She made it seem like I've "given up on her" (as she stated)....and I told her no, I am giving her freedom to "do her" (as she said she wanted) and let her figure out her life. I told her I love her enough to let get go figure out her life and get it where she wants it...and that I long for the day she may come back to me. 3 days later, I havent contacted her....she hasnt contacted me. It hurts me inside because she cant see a future with me-- however I know not to pressure someone and this is why I had to let her go to be free and then, and only then--- she can figure out "what she wants" (she says she doesnt know what she wants)....and then if she comes back, we can be exclusive. Am I right to continue the No Contact rule, even if I just want to say Hello to her-- she has issues of abandonedment and I dont want her thinking I gave up on her, when in reality it was just unhealthy for me to want more and give her all of my love without getting it back. I told her I had to be number 1 in her life (behind her son of course), and that I just wish she saw a future with me....and I left it at that, nothing angry....just opened by heart to her. Now I sit and wait to see if she really wants me, or just wanted "the thought of me" Thanks for helping me...I dont know where else to go and I dont think I should talk to her right now so I'd rather get different opinions and give her more space Kenny
Author KennyD Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 Keep in mind, this cycle has been going on since Feburary of 2010.... She says she wants "me time"...but "still wants me around because she likes to talk to me"....I hope Im doing the right thing by just NC and giving her the freedom to be set free and find happiness in her life... Im so tempted to text her just to see if she is okay...It's such a catch twenty two guys. i dont believe in giving up, but also know you cant force someone into something (nobody will be happy then) I am 24 she is 23, her exboyfriend/father of kid is 28
Author KennyD Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 I also feel I did try my best....but to give up now just because I let stupid emotions (love) get the best of me for a night seems like I gave up.... But if I want something more and she cant offer it....what do I do...give her time? Im not interested in other girls, Im a one woman man. My friends tells me she isnt worth it, I feel she is....to hell with what everybody else says.
damian Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 You gave her the ultimatum so stop how you are feeling right now, so contacting her is the wrong move. Give her time to miss you and you will find out how she feels. That way whatever happens you win. Be strong, no contact! Personally I think she is using you as her backup guy. Very cruel.
Author KennyD Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 The thing is, my life is the one that would change the most (taking on a woman with a kid) and I am all for it-- I'd love the chance to bring happiness to not only her, but also her son. She has said it herself a few months ago that it's selfish of her to keep this up....but damn guys if you love someone you do whatever means possible to be with them. Guess I'm too traditional (although im just 24), but if you are IN LOVE...you MAKE IT HAPPEN. I will refrain from talking/texting...if I see her at work I will be cordial because I made it clear I do not hate her. I havent dated anybody 5 years prior because of a similar situation. I do not "need" anybody in my life, I would just like to SHARE IT with her and her kid. I work two jobs, am somewhat good looking (she tells me all her friends think im really hot...whatever that means)....to everybody else I am a catch and nobody seems to understand what this girl is thinking. However, I do believe since I have let her go...if she comes back to me (be it months, a year, whatever) it is true. She wanted freedom and me time....Im going to give it to her because I love her that much to let her get her life where she wants it. I long for the day she comes back, if she ever does and sees a future with someone like me. (that is also how i ended that conversation) I get bad advice telling me to "go see other girls", when in reality my friends-- It is not fair to other girls because MY HEART is with her...and I would just do more harm to another soul. You cant be involved with someone else when you have deep feelings for another...that is just using someone
Author KennyD Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 If you love someone, you let them go. if they come back to you, its true...if not...it never was. This is not to be considered giving up, but more so letting them go to be free and find themselves. Because love never gives up, you can only give freedom and see what the outcome is. Not a bad quote, i hope she is thinking as much as I am, but its doubtful. I cant get mad at her, she warned me beforehand... Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Shame on me guys for thinking I could change it....but now I will leave it up to her-- the ball is in her court and the decision is hers (How i also put it in the conversation, the choice is hers not mine anymore)
damian Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Which shows she doesnt have deep feelings for you! Sorry mate. You need to stop wasting your chance of happiness here and now! Yes its torture. But it will get easier if you let it i.e. NC.
Author KennyD Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 Any other thoughts? If anything, I'm giving her the freedom to let go and do her....which is what I should do anyway. If its real, she will come back-- if not...it was a waste of a year
carhill Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I hate to say this, but having walked this path many times, you're irrelevant. IMO, people with this psychology (the lady in question) don't see men like you and me as real human beings but rather as placeholders and placate dolls and emotional tampons. They use the sexual attraction dynamic to extract what validation and love and empathy and care they need and then, like tossing the filled tampon into the trash or toilet, move on without thought or concern. It's what they do. After nearly two generations of it, I just accept it now and treat them like therapy patients. You're probably young so you have more time (life time) and romantic inclinations. If so, use these experiences to refine how you'll treat a women who *really* loves you. This one, and many others you'll likely meet in life, will just seek to use you. It's what people do.
Author KennyD Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 Time will tell. Just going to sit back and see what she does, I got nothing but time..... NC is what I'll stick to for about a month, see where it goes..
welikeincrowds Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I hate to say this, but having walked this path many times, you're irrelevant. IMO, people with this psychology (the lady in question) don't see men like you and me as real human beings but rather as placeholders and placate dolls and emotional tampons. They use the sexual attraction dynamic to extract what validation and love and empathy and care they need and then, like tossing the filled tampon into the trash or toilet, move on without thought or concern. It's what they do. After nearly two generations of it, I just accept it now and treat them like therapy patients. Cynical, but ultimately I have to agree. Cynicism deserved. OP, I notice a lot of romantic language in your posts. "Love her: let her go," " I dont want her thinking I gave up on her," etc. The phrase that struck me most, though? MY HEART is with herClearly. But tell me: is her heart with you? And would you say this is a fair exchange? Do you know the value of your own affection? Are you sure you know what you're saying when you say you've "given your heart"? You may say that none of this is relevant. You have at the ready a series of ideals about selfless love which categorically dismiss this line of reasoning. We may disagree on the definition of love. But be aware: as long as you can answer "no" to this question, she does not love you, as you know love. it was a waste of a year Consider what this means. I believe we ought not search for relationships that end in a "payoff." If that's the sort of relationship you're in, then what can you say you were doing all that time? A good relationship is its own justification, regardless of how it ends.
Author KennyD Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 I have a feeling she is worried about the kid. The ex treats her terrible, wants the same life she had with her step-dad. I did the best I could guys, the ball is in her court. I just posted on here so I don't have to text message her and ruin NC. Like a journal, I write it down instead of expressing my love anymore because it seemingly goes in one ear and out the other. She probably does love me, AS A FRIEND. As she told my roommate/best friend after she said SHE HAD FEELINGS FOR HIM AND WANTED TO KISS HIM-- and when my roommate told me she just got upset at him and then said "This is why I cant do this. You told me u want me to be happy kenny and being happy for me is doing what i want and not feeling bad if i kiss someone or go out with someone else, and i dont want to feel like im betraying someone"..."BUT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH KENNY!" SO YEAH GUYS, this has been going on like this for a long time.....tip of the iceberg that happened 2 months ago I didnt care because we weren't dating, but come on my best friend? Not to mention the same best friend is the one who told me the ex had moved back in (his ex-wife was a hair cutter and the ex-boyfriend's aunt came in, not knowing she knew me, and told her stylist all about how hes so happy to be moved back in, etc, etc)....her explanation was "I didnt want to hurt you"......and now she hates my friend for being a "snitch". But, you put all that aside and accept your love's indifferences and imperfections, because you love her and support her. The more I read, I keep hearing about "self improvement"...there is nothing wrong with me to have to change, this was all on her-- she has to do whats best FOR HER FAMILY (her and her son). I am gainfully employed, am motivational driven, and could give her family a good life-- it's a shame it seems she will stay with the father of her kid, and. "be unhappy and miserable as long as my baby is spoiled" (that was another one liner i heard 6 months ago)
Author KennyD Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 (edited) This is, as many friends tell me, just a vicious cycle of selfishness and wants, with no commitment. I'm not a scumbag I don't want FWB, that is meaningless to me-- call me old fashioned but I'm not with todays "standards" that many of the younger generation (and hell guys, IM 24) are implementing. She did cheat on her bf with me, we met up a few months ago because she "missed me so much. and whats wrong with being bad, cant we just be bad once in a while. i fantasize of kissing you"....so we went to the beach, and made out for hours. I gave into temptation. I know he had seen a few of our text messages, and upon the last time she came over, I believe he said something along the lines of "have fun f**king kenny" (I've never had sex with her since breakup, so I thought that was funny). I kept telling her I hope she realizes she is playing with fire, and she just told me "If you keep saying that nothing will happen". I feel for the boyfriend/father/baby daddy/whatever....if shes doing me this bad, I wonder what she tells him...? All in all, I love her through all of this-- call me stupid, whatever....I am dedicated. Now, I cut off contact, and see if she can figure out I am what she wants-- it's the only thing I can do I've given everything else a chance. I made it clear in the closure of this-- that I can't do this with her anymore without us being exclusive. I told her to go "do herself" and figure her life out...that the door is open if you decide this is what you want and that I wouldnt pressure her into a relationship until she was ready. I told her if she wanted this, then she knows what she has to do...and I will leave her to her thoughts I have nothing to lose, I still go to both of my jobs and make money and have fun with myself....I just would like her to share it with me as one. I dont want to date other people, my feelings are with her and I'd feel guilty getting a rebound-- The last girl I dated was 5 years ago (i just said to hell with it and worry about work, become so successful they will all wonder what they did...and it looks like I will have to do that again...which is just me striving to succeed. And, i guess if this is over, back to work work work and maybe I should just forget about love life. If she wants me, she will come back to me, it's as simple as that-- I'm done pursuing....look where its gotten me. Time to just step back and let her decide Edited January 15, 2011 by KennyD
Author KennyD Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 (And my friends, if it seems I am posting alot, it's better to do it here than to send messages or call HER. That would be breaking NC and would do me nothing...how can you miss someone if they are always there? This is like a journal, posting my thoughts and feelings.) She knows how I feel, I dont want to be a broken record. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
welikeincrowds Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 But, you put all that aside and accept your love's indifferences and imperfections, because you love her and support her. Stop this. That's what you do in a committed relationship where both people express irrefutable love for each other regularly if not daily. What you're doing is enabling her and deluding yourself. You're doing a good thing by going NC. I commend your strength for initiating it and I know you have the strength to keep it up. Part of this process is healing through reflection. I think you have an unclear idea of who is responsible for what in this relationship. You seem to accept suffering, but as an ideal. In reality, you hold neither of you accountable for bad behavior. This is delusion and cowardice. The bottom line: this relationship failed and your heart was broken. Understand why so that you don't do it again.
carhill Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Consider what this means. I believe we ought not search for relationships that end in a "payoff." If that's the sort of relationship you're in, then what can you say you were doing all that time? A good relationship is its own justification, regardless of how it ends. OP, take this to heart. If you can give freely within such suggested parameters and feel healthy about it, without expectation of a 'payoff', IMO you *can* feel positive about such relationships. The key lies within yourself. Adjunct to that acceptance, cherish the gift you give; the value of your love. Choose your recipients wisely. Good luck
Author KennyD Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 I wasnt comfortable with telling her "I love you" everytime we got off the phone, goodnight every time we went to bed, good morning every time we woke up....it's like I was in a relationship but WASN'T in one.....friend's dont say that....they just dont. It was all or nothing, you can't have your cake and eat it too (About 10 friends told me that one) If anything, I'll call myself SAINT KENNY (as my friends are) because if they get back together, I have saved a family from destruction. Yep, St. Kenny (Is that how you guys want me to look at it, lol)
welikeincrowds Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 If anything, I'll call myself SAINT KENNY (as my friends are) because if they get back together, I have saved a family from destruction. Yep, St. Kenny (Is that how you guys want me to look at it, lol) No. That's just more delusion, martyrdom, and unaccountability. I want you to call yourself a human being who indulged in being taken advantage of and needs to recognize how and why this was harmful and unhealthy.
Author KennyD Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 Stop this. That's what you do in a committed relationship where both people express irrefutable love for each other regularly if not daily. What you're doing is enabling her and deluding yourself. You're doing a good thing by going NC. I commend your strength for initiating it and I know you have the strength to keep it up. Part of this process is healing through reflection. I think you have an unclear idea of who is responsible for what in this relationship. You seem to accept suffering, but as an ideal. In reality, you hold neither of you accountable for bad behavior. This is delusion and cowardice. The bottom line: this relationship failed and your heart was broken. Understand why so that you don't do it again. The best one was before we got talking, the good ole "I thought I really did make a mistake kenny...this is why Im here"....well that went out the window-- that was also 8 months ago or so, and I still feel the same towards her and she has told me REPEATEDLY she feels THE SAME WAY I do.... Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I can't blame anybody but me for looking too much into this, I remembered how it went down last time...and all my friends, family warned me of the infamous "re-run"....and that has now happened. So i hope you guys can understand my confusion in all of this-- the fact that she has a kid multiplies this by about 100 (Or it's just a damned good excuse to her) Thanks for the input, it's better for me to say stuff on here then to her. I am a masochistic, a glutton for punishment, and to be honest I like how this is going, but I know if there is no commitment....it's not worth my time. I will leave you guys with this, thank you-- I will continue NC and see if she comes to her sense. if not, see ya later and as many people have said, she will regret it (And not to be spiteful, I will just have to succeed in a way that she will sit back and say, "Hot damn...what was I thinking". The best revenge is to succeed)
welikeincrowds Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I will leave you guys with this, thank you-- I will continue NC and see if she comes to her sense. if not, see ya later and as many people have said, she will regret it (And not to be spiteful, I will just have to succeed in a way that she will sit back and say, "Hot damn...what was I thinking". The best revenge is to succeed) I am very concerned by your final post. NC is not punishment. NC is a tool for healing. NC is the last resort you choose when you realize you must protect your heart to preserve your soul. I fear that you are not deciding to heal, but instead are continuing to indulge in this destructive relationship, regardless of whether you happen to be speaking to her at the moment. I wish you the best.
Author KennyD Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 NC is not punishment. NC for me is to allow her to "find herself". If life without me is not what she wants, then life with me may just work. I ended it on good terms guys, I was not spiteful, I was TRUTHFUL-- that just being a friend hurt me and that I loved her too much to just settle for friends. She understood, told me thanks for loving her and I love you, good night love you!!! And this is why I have to go NC. I thought I could handle being close to her without being in a relationship, i cannot. You cant be friends with someone you are in love with (Then I get the .."If you love me, why cant you be friends with me" saying) lol.. I work with her at my second job, I will be cordial. As support tells me, it is her loss....I was just trying to do the best I could to help her-- and now that she "doesnt know what she wants!"....why keep in contact, just let her go and see if she comes back AFTER she finds HAPPINESS IN HERSELF....
carhill Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 friend's dont say that <I love you>....they just dont. Here's a little tip which might help achieve balance. Establish close and loving friendships with, shockers, *men*, where you can express yourself freely and without reservation. I tell my best friend I love him every time we talk, as does he. We hug each other whenever we meet or say goodbye. We're there for each other. It is the same with my other close male friends. Here's the clue train about women like you're experiencing. They're not *there* for you. It's all about them. When you have male friends who are there for you, and you for them, such realities are so clear that even a blind man in the fog can see them. Such clarity will give you eyes to perceive a good and loving woman when she comes into your life. Doubt me? If you've got a male friend you can say 'I love you' to, ask him. If not, find one. Good luck
Author KennyD Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 Truth is, I've gotten the "You deserve someone better than me" saying too many times. The girl has such low self esteem (Blames it on her ex boyfriend, guys from the past, etc...)...she just can't understand how a guy like me is in love with a girl like her.....and that's the tragedy I preach. I can do no more now guys....I've given it my all. If hasn't come back mutually....time to just let the love go and give her the "space" she wants. Back to work guys, another 15 hour day on the way
carhill Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 When a woman says 'I'm not worthy of you' or 'you deserve better' or similar, believe her A woman who believes in her worth and ability to love and accept love will never say those words to you, no matter how low she feels. She may question her worth and express abject despair and sadness, but she won't apply it specifically to *you*. Take the words as a stiff arm in the chest saying 'go away', rather than a challenge to love her more and 'prove' to her that she's worthy and deserving. Trust me, it's an unattainable goal and a worthless pursuit. It's not what healthy love is. Healthy love is a two-way, mutually positive street. Good luck with your day. Ah, to be young again and putting in those long days. What energy
Author KennyD Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Handle-Im-Not-Ready-to-Settle-Down-Yet&id=347884 An article that made some sense to me..... To stay and see, or let go and see.....decisions....decisions.
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