Jump to content

Is my husband a complete bonehead or am I over-reacting?

Brenfy

By Brenfy
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Brenfy Member

Brenfy

Posted
Posted

Tonight my H & I were supposed to go to a bar with friends. I came home from work with a migraine so he went alone & I went to bed.

I woke up at 2:45 am and he still wasn't home so I texted him, knowing that the bar closed at 2. He says he is hanging out with 3 of his friends. I ask where since I know none of his friends live in the vicinity of the bar.

He answers me, "At somebody's apartment." He had to know I was going to ask who's? Apparently they met a couple girls at the bar & one of them has the same b-day as one of his friends. So they invited them over & that's where my H is now, at 3:20 am.

He says he's just being a wing man & that the 2 girls both know he's married & that they are just chilling.

I believe him but I just think it's totally inappropriate. I don't think he'd cheat on me but so many people don't care if a person is married...they'll try to hit on you anyway.

Am I off base thinking my H is kind of oblivious for doing this?

xpaperxcutx Established Member

xpaperxcutx

Posted
Posted

A married man does not volunteer to hang out at another woman's apartment be it alone or as a wingman. The responsible man would decline an invitation and head straight home. If he'd been single he could have done what he wanted, but he's married and there are certain thresholds that he should never cross. This being one of them.

DaisyLeigh Established Member

DaisyLeigh

Posted
Posted
A married man does not volunteer to hang out at another woman's apartment be it alone or as a wingman. The responsible man would decline an invitation and head straight home. If he'd been single he could have done what he wanted, but he's married and there are certain thresholds that he should never cross. This being one of them.

 

 

I agree with this. To the OP: Your husband is a complete bonehead.

PortuguesePrincess80 Established Member

PortuguesePrincess80

Posted
Posted

Agreed...complete bonehead! So what time did he come home from being the wingman anyhow? :confused:

 

Don't ever underestimate the love of you life NOT cheating on you..because quite frankly..all betrayed spouses would've thought the same prior! Just because theres 2 girls and 3 guys..doesnt mean there was one left out of the fun...so to speak!

  • Author
Brenfy Member

Brenfy

Posted
  • Author
Posted

He finally arrived home at 4:15am. And he was mad that I was mad are him. He said that I should know he would never screw around on me, that he just went as a wingman & they just hung out. He thinks I'm just angry because I'm insecure.

Like I said, I do believe him that they just hung out. But why doesn't he see that his behavior is sort of suspect. Married men shouldn't be hanging out in strange girl's apartments in the middle of the night.

ames Member

ames

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hmmm...look, i don't know either of you personally..all i know is that he is married..what he did was completely disrespectful..has he done this before?

It never ceases to amaze me how the guilty always put it on the innocent..for eg, when my ex cheated on me...(i found out throught text messages on his phone) i got the "why the hell don't you trust me, i would never cheat on you..how dare you go through my phone" HA! Seems to me like you hubbie is annoyed at you for "not trusting him" he is trying to make you feel guilty over HIS guilty behaviour..I'd keep my eye out on him..just incase

Please don't think he definately didnt cheat...im not saying he did..but you have no idea how honest some ppl are able to appear...its quite scary. I would never think my ex would cheat on me..but he did..twice..

Edited by ames
Lovelybird Established Member

Lovelybird

Posted
Posted

when a man accuses you of insecure, most of time they themselves are guilty

Feelin Frisky Established Member

Feelin Frisky

Posted
Posted

You might want to rethink going out to bars as a thing to do. Alcohol leads to irresponsibility. Maybe he's doing lines too. That's hard to pull away from when you're oiled.

Stung Established Member

Stung

Posted
Posted

A married man staying out until 4 am in a strange single woman's apartment is disrespectful to his wife, even if nothing happened. It's behavior that many perfectly reasonable people would consider suspect or even sleazy. Even if your husband is coming from a different perspective, your perspective is widespread enough that it shouldn't come as a shocking revelation to him unless he's been living under a rock.

 

Anyway, if the other guy got into the chick's apartment, your husband's role as wingman was already successful and should have concluded there, right?

 

The thing that's really alarming is his reaction, though. The defensiveness of his position, the 'angry that you're angry' thing, it's just so often a control tactic used to mislead and deflect. It can't really be that hard to see where you're coming from, can it? I know my own husband, when faced with a situation where something he's done has made me insecure or concerned, does what he can to remedy the situation because he feels bad that he's made me feel bad, he doesn't start backing me into a wall blaming me for having a normal reaction to stimulus.

DaisyLeigh Established Member

DaisyLeigh

Posted
Posted

If he wants to act single, perhaps he should not have married. If he is mad at you, then maybe he is not as innocent as he says.

blinky101 New Member

blinky101

Posted
Posted
Married men shouldn't be hanging out in strange girl's apartments in the middle of the night.

 

Don't let him convince you otherwise. It's disrespectful, immature and just plain stupid behavior. Drop the hammer hard now to save yourself future stress.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted

I would vote bonehead...until he started getting angry with you and calling you insecure. If he were just a bonehead (clueless but innocent), wouldn't be so defensive. He'd be apologetic.

 

Turning it around on you is manipulative, and suggests he is not so innocent. I'm not saying he cheated, but he knew it was inappropriate and was in that apt in the middle of the night because he wanted to be there--regardless of looking bad and upsetting you. He made a bad choice and needs to own up to it. If he avoids responsibility (gets mad at you, blames you for being insecure, insists he did nothing wrong), you'll know you can not trust him.

Sparty97 Established Member

Sparty97

Posted
Posted
when a man accuses you of insecure, most of time they themselves are guilty

 

When a wife questions her faithful husband, most of the time she's insecure.

Sparty97 Established Member

Sparty97

Posted
Posted

"Drop the hammer"...he's not a child, you don't own him. Sure, talk to him about how it makes you feel, fine. Tell him you don't like it and wish he wouldn't do it...but if you tell him he can't you're asking for trouble.

 

Oh, btw...was this the first time? If it was register your concern and let it go at that.

Stung Established Member

Stung

Posted
Posted

It's not a question of ownership, it's a question of mutual respect.

 

Staying out all night at a strange woman's apartment, drunk, while your wife is home sick and asking for you, that's disrespectful. Getting angry and defensive and casting blame on her for insecurity instead of apologizing or trying to understand why you might have been in the wrong, that's disrespectful. Either party should expect better treatment than that.

Sparty97 Established Member

Sparty97

Posted
Posted

It's still important to know if this was a one time thing or not.

allina Established Member

allina

Posted
Posted
I would vote bonehead...until he started getting angry with you and calling you insecure. If he were just a bonehead (clueless but innocent), wouldn't be so defensive. He'd be apologetic.

 

Turning it around on you is manipulative, and suggests he is not so innocent. I'm not saying he cheated, but he knew it was inappropriate and was in that apt in the middle of the night because he wanted to be there--regardless of looking bad and upsetting you. He made a bad choice and needs to own up to it. If he avoids responsibility (gets mad at you, blames you for being insecure, insists he did nothing wrong), you'll know you can not trust him.

 

I agree with this 100%.

  • Author
Brenfy Member

Brenfy

Posted
  • Author
Posted

To answer the one time thing question...we had some issues a few years back where he would stay out late (3 or 4 in the morning) at friends houses & I would get upset because I didn't understand why he had to stay out that long. But I always knew where he was & who he was with. And he stopped doing that anyway. Now when he hangs out with the guys he's usually home by 11 or midnight.

 

This is the first occurrence with strangers at a bar. He says he knows it was a "controversial" decision to make but he was just hanging out, going with the flow & he didn't think his friend (the one he was being wing man for) would have went to the girl's apartment without him. I said there were 2 other guys with you but my H really thinks his friend needed him.

 

As a side note, we don't normally go to bars but it was my H's friend's bday, which added to my H's conviction that he needed to help his friend with the girl.

 

Like I've said, I believe him that he went as support. My H has always been honest (sometimes to a fault, if that's possible, lol). I just wish he thought, "my wife wouldn't like me going. I should go home" instead of "my wife wouldn't like me going. Oh well, I'll go anyway."

  • Author
Brenfy Member

Brenfy

Posted
  • Author
Posted

One thing my H keeps asking me is what is inherently wrong with what he did. He says the girls knew he was married, he even talked about me & from what he said the girls said I sounded cool. He said he just hung out & played video games with his friends while his other friend talked with the girl he was interested in.

 

He asked if it would have been okay if it was daytime or if the girl was his friend's girlfriend.

 

I'm having a hard time answering without giving him a reason besides that what he did made me uncomfortable. He really doesn't know why it makes me feel that way & I'm having trouble articulating my feelings.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted
One thing my H keeps asking me is what is inherently wrong with what he did. He says the girls knew he was married, he even talked about me & from what he said the girls said I sounded cool. He said he just hung out & played video games with his friends while his other friend talked with the girl he was interested in.

 

He asked if it would have been okay if it was daytime or if the girl was his friend's girlfriend.

 

I'm having a hard time answering without giving him a reason besides that what he did made me uncomfortable. He really doesn't know why it makes me feel that way & I'm having trouble articulating my feelings.

 

Bottom line--married men should not go with single friends to the apt of single women that they "picked up" at the bar. Not during the day, and certainly not at 3 am. When the single guys go to the single girl's apt, it means that things are likely getting intimate and it is time for the married guy to go home to his wife.

 

Sure, a married guy can go with his friend to hang out at his friend's girlfriend's apt during the day sometimes. That isn't a "pick up".

 

How would he feel if you went out with single girlfriends, and ended up going home with some single guys you met at the bar at 3 am?

  • Author
Brenfy Member

Brenfy

Posted
  • Author
Posted

How would he feel if you went out with single girlfriends, and ended up going home with some single guys you met at the bar at 3 am?

 

I asked him this very question. He said if I was with friend1 & friend2 and one of them were interested in a guy he'd be fine with me going along. But he also said he thought possibility of that happening is practically zero. So it's not actually any threat. He knows I wouldn't do it. Especially when you consider the safety aspect..I wouldn't go home with someone I JUST met.

 

So I think he's kidding himself. If it actually happened, he wouldn't be happy.

Secret Friend New Member

Secret Friend

Posted
Posted
A married man does not volunteer to hang out at another woman's apartment be it alone or as a wingman. The responsible man would decline an invitation and head straight home. If he'd been single he could have done what he wanted, but he's married and there are certain thresholds that he should never cross. This being one of them.

 

Greetings,

 

Totally agree.

 

Your husband did wrong.

 

Have a talk with him about it. Do not suppress your feelings and concerns because they will come out sooner or later as a bigger problem.

 

Trust is Not Blind; Trust Knows it All...!

 

Do not have "blind faith" on people because there is really no trust without first and always knowing it ALL. Your husband should communicate with you about his every-move and have a discussion with you before making a decision. Constant Communication is vital in a marriage and expected.

 

Do not say that he would not cheat on you. Rather - always demand communication so that there can be no temptation or open door to sneak something.

 

Wish you the best!

 

Secret Friend

Alma Mobley Established Member

Alma Mobley

Posted
Posted

Married men also don't throw themselves into situations of temptation. Drunk with single women at an apartment in the middle of the night is doing just that. Most cheaters thought they would never cheat, so they allowed themselves to be put into tempting circumstances. Avoiding such situations never leads to anything bad but not avoiding them certainly can, so why risk it?

 

Secondly, even if you don't think you will cheat and don't, it is selfish to put your spouse into the position of having to worry and be uncomfortable with such a situation.

 

I'm convinced your husband knows better -- cheating or not -- did it anyway, and is attempting to make you the bad guy.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted
Tonight my H & I were supposed to go to a bar with friends. I came home from work with a migraine so he went alone & I went to bed.

I woke up at 2:45 am and he still wasn't home so I texted him, knowing that the bar closed at 2. He says he is hanging out with 3 of his friends. I ask where since I know none of his friends live in the vicinity of the bar.

He answers me, "At somebody's apartment." He had to know I was going to ask who's? Apparently they met a couple girls at the bar & one of them has the same b-day as one of his friends. So they invited them over & that's where my H is now, at 3:20 am.

He says he's just being a wing man & that the 2 girls both know he's married & that they are just chilling.

I believe him but I just think it's totally inappropriate. I don't think he'd cheat on me but so many people don't care if a person is married...they'll try to hit on you anyway.

Am I off base thinking my H is kind of oblivious for doing this?

 

First, put this in the broader context of your marriage.

 

I believe his motivations were fairly innocent. Chances are he was just trying to be cool for his friends. He knows it is mildly inappropriate, but is probably looking for you to give him a pass or at least acknowledge he didn't do anything inherently wrong.

 

The last woman I dated who through a fit about me being in a hotel room with a group of men and women was a huge cheat. I think anyone who is prone to cheating will immediately see this as a big deal.

Stung Established Member

Stung

Posted
Posted

UF, I can assure you that I am not prone to cheating, and I would not be happy if my husband, whose pattern it was to be home by midnight, picked up some girls at a bar with his single guy friends, stayed at some girl's apartment until after four in the morning, and made me chase him down by phone at 3 am to find out where in the hell he was. My husband would be equally unhappy if I ran off to go drinking in a strange man's apartment all night.

 

OP, since you said he is usually home by midnight, would you have felt a bit better about this if he had sent you a text when he knew he was going to be out later and explained up front that his friends wanted to hang out with these girls as a mutual birthday thing? I think part of what rankles at me is that you had to track him down at 3 am, and when he did tell you where he was, you had to drag it out of him piece by piece. That by itself would be making my spidey senses tingle.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...