miss_b Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 My husband & I are separated and although he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he isn't ready yet & wants me to wait, maybe a year or two, until he's ready for me & our 2 year old son to move back home. Me & my son are moving into my mom's this week from another relative's house where we'd been temporarily staying the past 3 months. Last week we started talking about filing divorce papers, and I told him I'd rather put it off until May after I graduate from college. He agreed. I decided to hold off on the actual divorce not only because I'm going to be busy & stressed out with school anyways, but I really want to give him some extra time. I'm holding out hope that some kind of miracle will happen between now and May, and he will want his family back. I'm in total limited contact with him right now. I made the mistake before of calling, crying, begging, pleading to come home, to give me one more chance, seeing if he wants to come over, etc. Now I only call or text if it specifically regards our son or finances. He has been treating me the same way. I know I'm doing the right thing, that I have to do this to be able to move on & get my life back, but it hurts that this all seems so easy for him. I've been taking meds for my terrible anxiety & I feel better than I have in a long time, & I've been acting like I'm doing great without him when he comes to pick up our son. I know he's seen a difference in my attitude about everything. What are the chances that he comes around within the next few months and realizes what he is about to throw away? I'm trying not to give my hopes up, since I consider our relationship pretty much in the toilet, but he's still my husband & I still love him so much. But I'm also prepared for the fact that he may never come around, & this might really be it.
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 He left because of your anxiety? I'm sorry I don't understand why he feels he needs a year or two before allowing you and your son back home, then he'll be ready to continue on as a family, as your husband? I know you love him but why isn't he working with you, marriage counselling and being supportive of your anxiety disorder? Are you seeking cognitive behaviour therapy for it? Meds can make you feel better, but you need to learn how to handle and cope with the anxiety too, deal with what it was that lead you down that path. Has he met someone else? Just makes no sense that he says he wants to spend the rest of life with you, yet only deals with you about your son and divorce talk has come up as well.
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I went and read your other thread. Your H is an idiot! He isn't willing to stick it out, weather the storm, let you get better, work with you, try to support and help you through your anxiety. He's bailing on you, then when you "fix" you, he'll possibly come back in a year or two? That's crap!! He is running away without going to marriage counselling! He's walking out on you and your son because he isn't man enough to be patient, to give you a chance. Honestly, I would lay it out and tell him to do MC with you now, as well as you continue working on dealing with your own issues, or he can file now. Once he's gone, he's gone! Can't come crawling back after a year or two and expect things to be picked up and life goes back to normal. He needs to grow up and understand what marriage is all about, not bail on you and hope in 2 years he'll be ready to be a husband and a family man. What does your mom and rest of your family say about this?
rugbyplayer1990 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I agree with Whichwayup, is he dating someone else? It seems very cowardly to just walk away unless something else happened between you. I feel your pain, it hurts so much to want someone who isn't wanting you back. I know, for me, the longer things drag on it seems the more attractive she becomes, in other words over time I forget about all the lies she said, the cheating, her yelling at me and the kids and just a general B%$#h... I have to ask myself, if she really decided to come back home (which I want) do I really want to be back with her? Can I forgive all she has done? or will I carry a huge resentment and ask too many questions about her (boyfriends) over past 6 months and the if they had sex. Worst senario is she then tells me the truth.... Can I handle the truth for us to move forward as a family.... IDK Keep posting!!!
sirweasles Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 just one quick question. Why is he in the house and you and your son are moving around trying to keep a roof over your heads?
Author miss_b Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 My family is pretty upset at him, and feel like he is being an ass. They, like me, can't understand his whole, "I need time, maybe in a few years" thing. Originally, we had gotten into a big fight, and he said he wanted to divorce, that he was totally done with me and our marriage. The house we live in is his mother's house, she owns it and we lived there rent free, just paying utilities. So when he said that, I took my son over to my aunt's house, thinking we just needed a few weeks apart to let things settle down and decide what we really wanted to do. 2 weeks later he had taken my key and moved my stuff across the street to the other house his mom owns, where his dad lives, and moved two buddies in (in the 10 years I've known these two guys, neither has ever had a serious girlfriend.) He says he was lonely & needed help paying the bills. There's two sides to every story, and his view is that I became a nagging, needy person, and thus, his mom's view is, "well, you just yell at him all the time!" True, I did become a very unpleasant woman to be around, but it's because he's in the garage playing pool & drinking beers with his buddies while I'm inside taking care of our house, son and doing homework, asking him when he's going to come inside and be part of the family. I would make dinner and when I'd ask him to do the dishes he would say "I didn't ask you to cook, why do I have to clean up the mess?" And let it sit for a week before I went crazy on him & he finally did the dishes. After a year of this type of behavior, I felt like I was his mom, and he was the bratty teenager. He kept saying he wanted me to get a social life and basically do my own thing, which would have been feasible if I had not been working a job, going to college, and having a family and child to take care of. The no sex thing was the biggest issue we had. Our MC thinks he smoked too much pot & that had something to do with his lack of libido. I encouraged him to go the dr. to get it checked out, as he had performance issues, if you know what I mean. He went & said he's normal, that he's just not that sexual of a person. Before we got married I thought FOR SURE it was a health issue, and once he got on my insurance & went to the dr. it would be a magical solution. I was wrong. On our honeymoon, we got in bed, and he rolled over to sleep, causing a huge fight. I've tried everything you could think of to turn on this man, and nothing worked. The sex we did have was pretty routine & boring, he never wanted to try anything new. All the resentment from feeling unwanted by my husband & being so sexually frustrated grew & spilled into other areas of our relationship. When I moved out, I came home a few days later & found porn DVDs in the living room. So much for not being a sexual person. My anxiety came into play a lot when he was at work. He runs his mom's bar and would sometimes have to work really late. I hated being home alone with our son, and would constantly bug him & ask him when he's coming home. Things got so bad that he started to ignore my phone calls, which really upset me & made me call more. Then he started lying about being at work, when he was really out with friends, which upset me even more. I would fly off the handle when he would act like this. I asked his mom if he was seeing anybody else (he tells her EVERYTHING). She said no, and I believe it. I'd check his phone for texts or calls, and nothing. I really think he wasn't ready for marriage, and he has a lot of growing up to do. I'm heartbroken that he doesn't want to put in the hard work that it takes to be married & repair our relationship.
sirweasles Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 you will be the first i suggest this too and hopfully the only you need to go nc and move on when he sees this is real he might grow up if he doesnt then you are already on the road to improvment there are men out ther and there are women out there that should never be in a relationship or reproduce hopfully he isnt one but he might be from the sound of things all he cares about is the party not the after life get a job and a place and ignor him make him come to you i know you have a child with him dont call him dont text him and if he calls you and there is anyother topic other than your child hang up give him about 2 weeks and then start listening again if he hasnt come around then you will know he isnt worth your time and you need to move on sorry wish he was more of a man but sounds more like a child to me
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