spiderowl Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 (edited) I've got another thread going at the moment which is sort of related but I've just had a strange night and feel really weird. Wasn't sure what forum to put this in, but this one seemed appropriate somehow. I met this guy a few weeks ago that I felt attracted to (this doesn't happen often). He was friendly to me and I was sufficiently interested to wonder if he was attached but didn't ask. It's not the sort of thing I'd ask anyway as I'm very shy with guys I'm interested in. So tonight I met him again at a common interest event. We talked and again I felt a spark. We were able to talk about aspects of the common interest that others are not usually so knowledgeable about. It was a surprise to me that he had covered it in as much depth as I had, so I assume he was surprised too. I really felt he felt a spark too and I was conscious of him all evening, like he had a really strong presence though he's a quiet guy. I sort of got the feeling it was mutual, though I could be deluded. It turns out that he's attached - he mentioned his partner to someone else at some point. I had suspected this. He certainly didn't behave in an inappopriate way so I assume he's happily attached. Thing was, I really felt this strong spark and, if past experience is anything to go by, it was mutual. I know that 9 times out of 10, I would have been asked out by someone who I get this feeling from. I'm talking about the vibes I'm getting from him not how I feel about him. But I would never get involved with a guy who is attached nor encourage him to do so, so that's it really. Now I just feel weird, like I met a ghost. Something like this is a bolt out of the blue. There's nothing I can do about it, just puzzle over it and wonder why it even happened. If it really was mutual, then how would that affect him? He could have totally forgotten about me of course, though if our conversation was anything to go by, he remembers what we talked about on the first meeting. I feel strangely disconcerted. Guess I will just have to wait for the feeling to go. Has this happened to you and what did you do? What if you are attached and this happens? I don't recollect getting that feeling about anyone else when I was married, just hardly noticed anyone else. Edited January 15, 2011 by spiderowl
Author spiderowl Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 Was rather hoping for some thoughts on this. I don't know why it made such an impact but I guess it's a situation without closure which must be a common experience.
january2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 (edited) I've experienced that but as the partnered person. It resulted in the beginning of the end for the LTR. It made me realise that I was no longer in love with my partner and I slowly withdrew. I didn't act on or speak about my feelings and nor did the guy I was attracted to, but they were so intense that other people noticed the attraction as well. I felt like I'd cheated on my partner. I never saw that other guy again, though I did hear about him from other people. Last I heard, he's engaged. Edited January 16, 2011 by january2011
jenifer1972 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 He fits your " love map" and this gave you an " ahah" moment. Might want to gooogle that theory
Author spiderowl Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 (edited) Wow, thanks for your reply. Obviously I can only speak for myself and how I felt but if it was reciprocated it must have been pretty odd for him. Maybe I'm just imagining it but I did wonder. I've experienced a similar reaction to you though wasn't in a long-term relationship just a short one I wasn't convinced about anyway. Then I met someone I was more attracted to and it suddenly became glaringly obvious I should not continue. I never experienced it while in my marriage though and that broke up for other reasons. We all feel attractions and some of them more striking than others, but this was really striking and left me feeling a bit, well, shaky almost. It was like a recognition of someone who's going to play a big part in my life. Rationally, this can't be the case as I'll keep a distance and be fairly formal if we meet again accidentally. Just wondered what had happened to others who'd experienced this. It's not even an infatuation because I don't find him physically all that stunning or think he's perfect or anything, it was more like a direct radio connection! Edited January 16, 2011 by spiderowl
january2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I accepted it as a crush. I can safely say that up until that point, I was still in love with my partner. But something just clicked between me and this other guy. It was so painful and distressing when we parted that I burst into tears in front of my partner when I walked away from the other guy and spent hours sobbing on the phone to a family member. I've experienced that strong spark previously and since, a number of times. However, I've come to accept that it happens and that it doesn't mean I should act upon my feelings, especially if there are other people involved who might get caught up in the cross-fire.
Author spiderowl Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Thanks, it's interesting to know I'm not the only one. I completely agree that follow up is not appropriate. If he and his partner split up at some point I want nothing to do with it. It would be weird if we ended up meeting again, especially as his friend made an effort to come and say hello to me, and I had noticed him looking earlier ... He was rather nice too! Fortunately, I don't often cross paths with either of them.
Am4Real Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Your post is in the breakup forum and perhaps if posted in the DATING forum someone there could give you better insights on what to do next. From my perspective, if you want to know something you have to seek it out and frankly telling us about it here would be second seat to pursuing a coffee or other light event with Mr. Mystery. Good luck...sounds like it might be fun for you both. Am4Real
Author spiderowl Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) Thanks Am4real for the suggestion about the dating forum. I put it in this forum because it wasn't a date but more something that would never happen, therefore a loss of sorts. Maybe you're right and I should start it again. I'd probably irritate people by doing that. I know you were suggesting I seek this guy out and be proactive, but I don't know if you realised he was attached? I wouldn't pursue someone who was attached - don't pursue anyway, just show a friendly interest in the person. I always let them make any moves. The whole thing's just odd. I don't know if he felt anything like I did. He probably forgot about me 10 minutes later! I know it's easy to be deluded in matters of the heart. Edited January 18, 2011 by spiderowl
Am4Real Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) ...I know you were suggesting I seek this guy out and be proactive, but I don't know if you realised he was attached? I wouldn't pursue someone who was attached - don't pursue anyway, just show a friendly interest in the person. I always let them make any moves. The whole thing's just odd. I don't know if he felt anything like I did. He probably forgot about me 10 minutes later! I know it's easy to be deluded in matters of the heart. If you’re absolutely sure of the commitment level of this person’s relationship then I tend to agree with you and, notwithstanding another person being either married or engaged of course, the DO NOT interfere rule is applicable. However, if you are without absolute certainness then you may be doing yourself and even this other Mystery Man a disservice by not at least mentioning you might like to have a coffee, drink or other light meeting. Without being certain he may be casually dating; he may be serious friends and nothing else; he may be at the tail end of whatever he has, etcetera. Those that sit back and wait for whatever things they really want in life are not that likely to get them; it’s not like you’re a famous movie star (are you?) or someone of known celebrity that has people come to you for little or no reason? Of course not! Therefore stating you might like to meet with Mr. Mystery is not only a chance to get to know someone, it might also bring about something you would like in your life. The worse of it is this: “he says he would love to but unfortunately is in a committed relationship at the moment and cannot”. Now how bad would that be knowing the situation and not forever pondering what you missed out on something you may have possibly attained. [highlight]Think about it.[/highlight] Am4Real Edited January 18, 2011 by Am4Real
Fern Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I've got another thread going at the moment which is sort of related but I've just had a strange night and feel really weird. Wasn't sure what forum to put this in, but this one seemed appropriate somehow. I met this guy a few weeks ago that I felt attracted to (this doesn't happen often). He was friendly to me and I was sufficiently interested to wonder if he was attached but didn't ask. It's not the sort of thing I'd ask anyway as I'm very shy with guys I'm interested in. So tonight I met him again at a common interest event. We talked and again I felt a spark. We were able to talk about aspects of the common interest that others are not usually so knowledgeable about. It was a surprise to me that he had covered it in as much depth as I had, so I assume he was surprised too. I really felt he felt a spark too and I was conscious of him all evening, like he had a really strong presence though he's a quiet guy. I sort of got the feeling it was mutual, though I could be deluded. It turns out that he's attached - he mentioned his partner to someone else at some point. I had suspected this. He certainly didn't behave in an inappopriate way so I assume he's happily attached. Thing was, I really felt this strong spark and, if past experience is anything to go by, it was mutual. I know that 9 times out of 10, I would have been asked out by someone who I get this feeling from. I'm talking about the vibes I'm getting from him not how I feel about him. But I would never get involved with a guy who is attached nor encourage him to do so, so that's it really. Now I just feel weird, like I met a ghost. Something like this is a bolt out of the blue. There's nothing I can do about it, just puzzle over it and wonder why it even happened. If it really was mutual, then how would that affect him? He could have totally forgotten about me of course, though if our conversation was anything to go by, he remembers what we talked about on the first meeting. I feel strangely disconcerted. Guess I will just have to wait for the feeling to go. Has this happened to you and what did you do? What if you are attached and this happens? I don't recollect getting that feeling about anyone else when I was married, just hardly noticed anyone else. I miss that feeling - I can't WAIT for it to happen again. This is a good thing, it shows you're capable of having that spark with other people. Maybe nothing will ever happen with this guy - maybe the universe sent him to remind you that you'd have the excitment of a new romance again. I'm worried I'm not even capable anymore!
Fern Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 If you’re absolutely sure of the commitment level of this person’s relationship then I tend to agree with you and, notwithstanding another person being either married or engaged of course, the DO NOT interfere rule is applicable. However, if you are without absolute certainness then you may be doing yourself and even this other Mystery Man a disservice by not at least mentioning you might like to have a coffee, drink or other light meeting. Without being certain he may be casually dating; he may be serious friends and nothing else; he may be at the tail end of whatever he has, etcetera. Those that sit back and wait for whatever things they really want in life are not that likely to get them; it’s not like you’re a famous movie star (are you?) or someone of known celebrity that has people come to you for little or no reason? Of course not! Therefore stating you might like to meet with Mr. Mystery is not only a chance to get to know someone, it might also bring about something you would like in your life. The worse of it is this: “he says he would love to but unfortunately is in a committed relationship at the moment and cannot”. Now how bad would that be knowing the situation and not forever pondering what you missed out on something you may have possibly attained. [highlight]Think about it.[/highlight] Am4Real This is a truly HORRIBLE sugestion. How would you feel if someone was knowingly pursuing your SO in this way? You are not a good person if you think this is acceptable.
Am4Real Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 This is a truly HORRIBLE sugestion. How would you feel if someone was knowingly pursuing your SO in this way? You are not a good person if you think this is acceptable. Please re-read the thread you inaccurately quoted above in trying to make your point. You used an acronym, SO, which normally stands for Significant Other. The term Significant Other applies to a [highlight]committed relationship[/highlight] which in this case also fits the first paragraph of the post stating interference in a committed relationship would be out the question. I dare not have to repeat the entire meaning of the post since it was written at a third grade level of English to begin with. Perhaps re-reading slowly will help you absorb the basic context before you throw around insults to senior posters. Thank you and best wishes FERN…you’ve definitely got this one wrong.
Author spiderowl Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) Nothwithstanding the discussion about rightness or wrongness of approaching him, I did hear him talk to someone and refer to his 'partner' so he is in some sort of significant relationship. I won't be pursuing him or inviting him to spend time with me. It's probably all academic anyway, as I hardly ever bump into him and he may not be remotely interested in me. The heart can be very deceiving at times! Thanks for your contributions and suggestions though. It all makes me think and it's good to get different perspectives. Someone else told me All's Fair in Love and War! Does anyone agree with that, by the way? Edited January 19, 2011 by spiderowl
Recommended Posts