MissMurder Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I was with my now ex-boyfriend for a good 8 months and today marks month 4 of being broken up, yet I still don't know why he broke up with me. He gave me the usual reasons (fighting too much, things were getting routine, he didn't like me anymore, he didn't like the person I became, etc), but he never made it clear what the actual reason was. I am dying to know and I need/want to know, but yes, I am still head over heels in love with him and yes, I would take him back if he asked for reconciliation. Things were absolutely amazing for the most part, we were practically each others first everything. The breakup was totally out of the blue, except I did notice that we were fighting a lot more about little things the month before the breakup. One day 4 months ago he asked for a break, which led to a breakup a few days later. I spent a bit more than the first month after the breakup begging him to take me back (yes, I know I shouldn't have) and being f-buddies with him because I was stupid enough to think that it would bring us back together. Anyway, I realized it all had to stop so at the end of October I told him we had to cut contact for 2 weeks to see where we'd be afterward. The last day of those 2 weeks, he initiates contact to ask me how I am and we talk like we used to. Lying to myself and thinking that I was okay, I reluctantly tell him that it was okay for us to be friends, even though it really wasn't because I was still hurt. We don't talk until 3 days later because I didn't care to initiate contact anymore so he initiates contact again to ask how I am. The next 2 weeks we text/IM occasionally. Sometimes I initiated contact, sometimes he did. After those 2 weeks I tell him I can't do it anymore so I send him one of those "goodbye forever" texts but I ended up changing my mind and taking it all back. The next night, he texts me and tells me he's not the kind of person I should be friends with and that he needed time to get over this serious issue involving his friends in which he did not tell me about. He ends up sending me a "goodbye forever" text. 4 days later he texts me admitting how hard it was on him that we'd be strangers forever, tells me he misses me, and asks for a hug. Of course, I told him no and that he couldn't just text me after telling me I shouldn't talk to him anymore. I have been in NC for exactly 6 weeks, and I am so proud of myself. In these 6 weeks, I realized that I had to move on with my life but if he ever wanted me back I would gladly say yes. I doubt that would ever happen, though. Some mutual friends of ours have told me that he wants to talk to me but I choose not to believe any of them. So what do you guys think? Do I need closure or should I stay NC? I do miss him terribly and I do still love him, but I am dying to know why he broke up with me. I'm afraid of what would happen if we were to talk though..
spiderowl Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Sometimes it's best not to know why someone broke up with you. I think a lot of the time it's a feeling: people are going on a feeling, an instinct, when they break up. Then they have to explain to themselves why this lovely, kind, intelligent, attractive person just isn't the one for them. These reasons are secondary to the feeling. If you ask, you may get the reasons but they won't be the real reason. Do you see what I mean? It's almost as if what they are thinking is that they feel there is someone out there who will be more right for them than you, but have no idea why, just that they can't stay in the relationship with that feeling. Sorry to go on, but can you see why it won't really help? You'll just end up worrying about minor criticisms that the guy gave you because he was supposed to give a reason for his (ultimately irrational) behaviour. Another guy might not see these as faults in you at all but positive attributes. There is a word for this phenomenon in psychology - it's called rationalisation. For example, someone who has been hypnotised into doing something and then is asked later why they did it, will come up with a completely spurious reason to explain it to themselves. It's best to accept all is based on instinctive feelings and that neither of you can do a damned thing about this. I suspect that this is nature's way of ensuring we select the right mates. We are just like atoms, bumping off each other until finally we stick. I'm sure we have no conscious control over any of this. You want the atom that sticks naturally, not the one that flounders and bounces away.
FreeToBe Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 You need not look outside of yourself for closure. Closure is something you have within yourself. Closure is accepting that sometimes there are no answers. It is in this acceptance of ambiguity that you will find your peace. Be well.
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