january2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Are lifelong commitment, exclusivity and monogamy unrealistic and outdated expectations? Do you, at some point, want and expect to be able to find that one person with whom you'd like to spend the rest of your life? Where does love fit in for you?
Eeyore79 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I dont think commitment and monogamy are unrealistic and outdated... however it depends greatly on the individual. A lot of people aren't capable of commitment nowadays; if that's something you want then you need to find another person who is capable of it. I still hope and expect to meet one person to spend the rest of my life with; I'm already dating someone who seems nice, so I guess we'll see how it goes. Commitment isn't difficult if you truly love someone; love is what holds people together.
SmileFace Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I don't see any of these things as outdated. I think it will be great to find someone with whom I will like to spend my life with. Yet I don't think I expect to find that one person. If I find him - great. If not- life goes on. My view may be different since I have no intention on ever having a family of my own. So I may not be as eager to find that person to help fulfill that.
hopesndreams Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Are lifelong commitment, exclusivity and monogamy unrealistic and outdated expectations? In this day and age, yes it is. Do you, at some point, want and expect to be able to find that one person with whom you'd like to spend the rest of your life? I have finally realized that this is a pipe dream. At the age of 46, I have given up on ever being able to achieve this. I'm OK with it. Being alone isn't that bad. Being bound to someone will never happen to me again. Freedom. Where does love fit in for you? Hope and Faith are great gifts but the greatest gift of all is Love. I'll miss it.
Jazzari Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Are lifelong commitment, exclusivity and monogamy unrealistic and outdated expectations? No. It happens all the time. People who are in a long term happy relationship don't often post on dating sites so I think you get a skewed sense of reality. But they exist. Do you, at some point, want and expect to be able to find that one person with whom you'd like to spend the rest of your life? Found him once and lost him to a car accident. I don't expect to find anything to match it, but I'm looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with. I'm very confident that I will find it, but I don't expect it to be easy. Where does love fit in for you? Not sure I understand the question. Without love, what's the point?
USMCHokie Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Yes, I still genuinely believe in all of those things.
Author january2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 A lot of people aren't capable of commitment nowadays What makes you say that, Eeyore? My view may be different since I have no intention on ever having a family of my own. So I may not be as eager to find that person to help fulfill that. I see what you mean, SmileFace. If it's just the two of you, it may not be as important to have that lifelong commitment. I have finally realized that this is a pipe dream. At the age of 46, I have given up on ever being able to achieve this. I'm OK with it. Being alone isn't that bad. Being bound to someone will never happen to me again. Freedom. I was half expecting to see an answer like this, hopesndreams. I did wonder if those who are a bit older and/or have had at least one serious/LTR relationship were more like to not believe in those things I listed as possibilities for them again. Found him once and lost him to a car accident. I don't expect to find anything to match it, but I'm looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with. I'm very confident that I will find it, but I don't expect it to be easy. Not sure I understand the question. Without love, what's the point? Jazzari, I'm so sorry to hear about the car crash. I've noticed that with some of my peers, love is just the gravy and they accept the commitment, exclusivity and monogamy without it. Yes, I still genuinely believe in all of those things. Not jaded yet? Good to hear.
USMCHokie Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Not jaded yet? Good to hear. Well, I certainly understand the reality of relationships and accept that many relationships we enter in will lack that mythical romantic fiction for which we all yearn. However, I only have one life to live, so I'm sure as hell not going to half-ass it, so I will still believe 'til the day I kick the bucket...hopefully by then I'll have found exactly who I'm looking for...and she'll have found exactly who she's looking for...
Woggle Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I believe in them but they are very rare. Finding it is like winning the lottery.
Author january2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 Well, I certainly understand the reality of relationships and accept that many relationships we enter in will lack that mythical romantic fiction for which we all yearn. However, I only have one life to live, so I'm sure as hell not going to half-ass it, so I will still believe 'til the day I kick the bucket...hopefully by then I'll have found exactly who I'm looking for...and she'll have found exactly who she's looking for... That seems like a level-headed yet optimistic way of looking at it. Good luck to you, USMCHokie. I believe in them but they are very rare. Finding it is like winning the lottery. Woggle, were you the poster who wrote about finding a precious gem? If so, that was a lovely post that made me smile.
Star Gazer Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 No, absof*ckinglutely, and...it's what makes my world go 'round.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I expect the other person to love me more than him/her.
Author january2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 No, absof*ckinglutely, and...it's what makes my world go 'round. Good for you, Star Gazer! I expect the other person to love me more than him/her. More than you love him/her, xpaperxcutx?
Eeyore79 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 What makes you say that, Eeyore? When I say that a lot of people nowadays aren't capable of commitment, I mean exactly that. In the modern world there's this culture of selfish instant gratification where people think they deserve perfection and they want it now. They often aren't prepared to work on a relationship or accept someone's flaws and love them anyway, and if things aren't working they frequently just throw the relationship away and start over with someone else. Think of it this way: years ago people would get their shoes repaired if the soles wore out, whereas nowadays they're more likely to simply throw them out and get a new pair. Everything is marketed to our wants rather than our needs; we're told that it's ok to be selfish because we're all beautiful unique snowflakes who deserve to have everything we want. People think primarily of themselves and their own happiness, and they're increasingly less capable of putting someone else first. They are simply not capable of putting their commitment to another person ahead of their own selfish desires, and thus a lot of relationships end in infidelity or divorce. Commitment isn't just about rings and bits of paper, or staying with the same person for a long time; it's about self-sacrifice, actually committing yourself to someone and putting their needs ahead of your own. So many people "commit" to someone on paper without actually committing to them in their heart, and in these increasingly selfish times fewer and fewer people are capable of the selflessness that true commitment requires.
EasyHeart Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I don't think lifelong commitment, exclusivity and monogamy are unrealistic and outdated expectations, but they're hard to find. It seems to me that there are a lot of people at the extremes. Some people think that any comprise is failure: "He's a great guy who loves me and treats me well, but he's only 5'10" and I really want a guy who's over 6'0", so it would never work between us". And there are other people who think that they should compromise on everything: "I know he cheats on me and takes advantage of me and can't hold a job, but he's my boyfriend so I can't ever leave him". It seems to me that a lot of people have either no expectations or expectations that are so unrealistic that even their perfect match will disappoint them.
daphne Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I think that now that women cheat like men, it's a hopeless cause. I want those things, but I know that I'm in the minority of people who can actually offer those things. This is probably the crux of why I am single. I don't want to give it away to someone who wouldn't do the same.
Eeyore79 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Some people think that any comprise is failure: "He's a great guy who loves me and treats me well, but he's only 5'10" and I really want a guy who's over 6'0", so it would never work between us". I think this is the most common problem; high expectations are more common than low expectations, especially nowadays because people have all this selfish entitlement. They believe they deserve perfection, and don't stop to realize they're not perfect themselves. Nobody is ever going to be perfect, and if your partner was perfect you'd probably be insecure and think they're too good for you because you're human and imperfect. You just have to decide what you're willing to compromise on; different things matter to different people. I'm not perfect but I have a lot to offer, I just needed to find a guy who wanted what I have and didn't care so much about the things I lack. My boyfriend isn't perfect either, but his imperfections aren't dealbreakers; he ticks the boxes for the things I care about most. Other women have rejected him for things that really don't bother me, and weren't bothered about the things that attract me to him most. Sure, if I had the choice I'd probably go for the brain of Stephen Hawking in the body of Brad Pitt, but this is reality not fantasy, and if I had such a man I'd probably feel inadequate anyway.
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