Lovezen_30 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 It's approaching the 6 month mark since I lost him and I appreciated the help I got from people on here a few months back, especially mickelb. Sometimes it's nice to just write here and hope people somewhere are listening... Feeling better started with getting through an hour, then it progressed to a few hours when I didn't think about him at all. But it's never for long. I'd lost people before, but they were always older. He was young with his whole life ahead of him and once I was able to break through that wall of intense grief for periods of time I could see with clarity what I did have: my life. I could see, touch, listen, hear and taste the world. I realise what enjoying the simple things really means now. After a stressful day I could light a candle, make my favourite meal, listen to a soothing piece of music or speak to a good friend and feek thankful for everything I had. I spoke about following my dream before...about how we sort of shared a similar dream but I'd feel bad about fulfilling it when he couldn't. But I realised not trying would be a disservice to all that he did and all that he showed me. The result: I work twice as hard to make up for what he can't do now and I'm doing really well. I think he'd be proud...I hope so anyway. But sometimes...even with all that is good in my life I have these horrible moments when I realise nothing will ever feel as whole without him here. I try to fill this void with these things that make me happy but nothing fills it. He filled me with a complete calmness...other than from my father, I learned more from and was enriched more by him than any other person in my lifetime(when he was alive). And now that he's gone...all that I've learned from him is staggering. But I still yearn for him and all I want is to have him back. There was a guy(a friend) I mentioned before who wanted something to happen between us...I tried at first but I just wasn't ready - and I hate to admit it, kept making comparisons. I am more patient now, because I've looked for different ways to find that calmness he brought me. I'm much more rational and relaxed and it's changed a lot, for my life in general and relationships with other people. But nothing I do ever brings the miracle he seemed to bring to my life. I couldn't believe I had found this person(who yes, had his share of flaws but we all do and they weren't issues) who just seemed made for me. What do all those other things that make me happy really mean without love? I suppose what I'm saying is my life, though filled with a lot of great things is still infinitely emptier without him. Sometimes I'll just be doing something mundane like washing dishes and a memory comes fleeing back to me and I just start crying again. Giving up would seem easier but it's not an option...but I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
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