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He wants to rebuild things over email but he hasn't responded to my last message

Scarlet Siren

By Scarlet Siren
in Second Chances

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Scarlet Siren New Member

Scarlet Siren

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I was wondering what I should do.

 

After a sticky several months my ex and I have been emailing one another for almost three months... he suggested that I email him the 'angry' stuff I was feeling in order to rebuild our relationship. I was reluctant to send him that 'angry' email because I don't think anger solves anything... it's counterproductive in my opinion. Our emails have been OK, more on the lines of 'how are you?' 'what have you been up to' etc etc

 

So, I gathered my thoughts, and finally sent him an email telling him my thoughts, I made an effort not to sling mud at him or anything like that, I didn't think casting things against him would work. But it was an very honest email and I also apologised for the things I said in the past (I said that I wanted no contact at one point but it was because I was so fustrated at the way things were going and he'd cancelled 2 of our meet ups and there was some other nonsense... but like it was a heat of the moment reply which I regret). I apologised for not speaking up to things when I should have (sorry to be vague but if I went in to detail you'd end up with a novel to read!!!).

 

It's been close to three weeks since I sent this email.... and I'm wondering, if he wants to rebuild our relationship, and for me to get things off my chest and tell him what I'm feeling, why hasn't he responded yet?

 

Another thing to add is... I sent him a text on Christmas day wishing him Merry Christmas but he responds to it via email. What the hell???

 

Anyway, I'm wondering what I should do? Is sending a follow up email pushy? should I wait it out or should I let it go?

 

I should add that we dated several years ago for a little over 2 years and broke up, then in the summer of 2009 he got back in touch with me and we started seeing one another again. Since summer 2010 things haven't been the greatest between us, he wanted to cool things off and I decided not to contact him for several weeks. When I contacted him we've been out for dinner 2-3 times and things went down hill from there.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in in advance.

Edited by Scarlet Siren
Mrlonelyone Established Member

Mrlonelyone

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I don't think a follow up would be pushy after three weeks. You may have wounded him rather deep with some of what you said.

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Scarlet Siren New Member

Scarlet Siren

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I don't think a follow up would be pushy after three weeks. You may have wounded him rather deep with some of what you said.

 

It's likely that I could have with some of the things I've said over the past few months, but in turn he's said some things to me also. At one point we were constantly firing shots at one another, I was being defensive and so was he and it got to the point where I had enough, early November I actually sent him an email saying that I was tired of all this constant negetivity, it's not helping either of us move forward, I just saw the longer this was going on the more I was going to loose him.

 

With this particular email I didn't want to go down that route of you said this, you did that and so on. I genuinely apologised for the things I said in the past, I apologised for telling him I wanted no contact, and I apologised for not stepping up when he needed me (but at the time I wasn't sure if he DID want me to and I didn't know what his feelings were towards me - ah, I wish I could go in to detail!).

 

I guess I may have been a little bit too honest with this email... a little soul bearing than what he's been used to dealing with these past few months.... :o

LifeIsGreat Established Member

LifeIsGreat

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Once a relationship gets to this point, it has to be handled VERY carefully. Honestly, I think you should have got some good advice before sending him that email. Personally, I don't think you should have sent it.

 

Do you really want to get back with him? THis on again/off again is not a good sign!

 

If you guys have any chance, it may require some kind of relationship therapy that uses a 3rd party to help you work things out.

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Scarlet Siren New Member

Scarlet Siren

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Once a relationship gets to this point, it has to be handled VERY carefully. Honestly, I think you should have got some good advice before sending him that email. Personally, I don't think you should have sent it.

 

Do you really want to get back with him? THis on again/off again is not a good sign!

 

If you guys have any chance, it may require some kind of relationship therapy that uses a 3rd party to help you work things out.

 

I understand what you're saying.

 

I do want to get back with him... but we have to work things out first, I can't do that on my own and he hasn't responded.... yet.

 

He said in order for us to rebuild our relationship, I suggest you get all that 'angry' stuff off your chest, I feel like you have somethings you need to say. In order for use to move forward I feel it's fundumentally necessary...

 

So I did email him telling him things from my viewpoint, without placing blame and calling him out etc and now silence! what do I do with that? it's very confusing!

Mrlonelyone Established Member

Mrlonelyone

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Maybe he should have been careful what he asked for.

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Scarlet Siren New Member

Scarlet Siren

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Maybe he should have been careful what he asked for.

 

:laugh: maybe he should have!

 

But really, can anyone make sense of this? Why ask me to do something if he's going to give me the silent treatment? Why offer to rebuild the relationship if he's going to take his sweet effing time?? That's BS behaviour isn't not? :confused:

Mrlonelyone Established Member

Mrlonelyone

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You know it may not have anything to do with you or what you said. The thing about emails is that they can just sort of sit there for a good while.

 

Not to be calloused....because I know how the uncertainty over sending a letter or email can be. Until and unless you get a reply there really is no way of knowing if they even received it.

 

You sent it. You I take it have been NC all this time. If he is interested and everything maybe you should contact him again and see if that gets a response. After that NC and push on with life.

 

I know it's not easy.

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Scarlet Siren New Member

Scarlet Siren

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You sent it. You I take it have been NC all this time. If he is interested and everything maybe you should contact him again and see if that gets a response. After that NC and push on with life.

 

I know it's not easy.

 

Yeah, I sent it and we haven't had contact in any way or form since the day I sent that email... the last time I heard from him was when he responded to my merry christmas text via email :confused: which I still think is a bit odd!

 

 

I suppose a message saying hey, how are you? hope you're well. Just wondering if you've had a chance to read my last email? wouldn't be too bad.

 

Argh, I don't know what to do... I think silence is the worst thing!

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Scarlet Siren New Member

Scarlet Siren

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Can anyone else offer any advice???

nature Established Member

nature

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Phone him. Enough texting and emailing. You two need to talk not write. If you want to work on this relationship, you cannot hide behind emails anymore. Regardless of what he asked. Emailing is the chicken **** way to deal with things. It is also a good way to keep some distance between yourself and someone else. It's also childish. You two need to sit down together, or at the very least, talk on the phone. It sounds like it's become a game now. He got your email. He may not have liked what you said in it, but he should have damn well replied to it at the very least. Like a grown up man. And if he asked for you to tell him what bothered you, and you did, then he should have respected the fact you did what he asked.

 

It's BS that he hasn't responded. I'd be pissed. What little game is he playing? Are you sure he's that serious about wanting to get back together? Are you sure he's not already dating someone else on the side, and just decided the thing with you two is too complicated after reading your email, and just decided to do the disappearing act and carry on with someone new? Someone who really wants to work it out and misses you, is usually there with you and keeping constant communication, no matter how much anger there is to resolve. I'm not certain this guy is really that in to it. Sounds like he was keeping you at arms length, keeping your mind busy while getting you to write to him, but at the same, sessing out his other options. Sorry, but i'm being honest.

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Scarlet Siren New Member

Scarlet Siren

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Phone him. Enough texting and emailing. You two need to talk not write. If you want to work on this relationship, you cannot hide behind emails anymore. Regardless of what he asked. Emailing is the chicken **** way to deal with things. It is also a good way to keep some distance between yourself and someone else. It's also childish.

 

I agree but isn't that hypocrital of me to agree with that point considering I sent him a text message saying I wouldn't contact him any longer only to go back on what I said! :laugh: but like I said heat of the moment/frustration....

 

You two need to sit down together, or at the very least, talk on the phone. It sounds like it's become a game now. He got your email. He may not have liked what you said in it, but he should have damn well replied to it at the very least. Like a grown up man. And if he asked for you to tell him what bothered you, and you did, then he should have respected the fact you did what he asked.

 

Again, I agree! I did suggest we meet and talk things out, email is lengthy and time consuming. Whilst rebuilding a relationship takes time and effort)I appreciate that) I think this emailing nonsense is a piss take. Like I said, I suggested we meet and he declined and said he'd rather I email what I was thinking.

 

It's BS that he hasn't responded. I'd be pissed. What little game is he playing? Are you sure he's that serious about wanting to get back together? Are you sure he's not already dating someone else on the side, and just decided the thing with you two is too complicated after reading your email, and just decided to do the disappearing act and carry on with someone new? Someone who really wants to work it out and misses you, is usually there with you and keeping constant communication, no matter how much anger there is to resolve. I'm not certain this guy is really that in to it. Sounds like he was keeping you at arms length, keeping your mind busy while getting you to write to him, but at the same, sessing out his other options. Sorry, but i'm being honest.

 

I have no idea whether or not he's dating anyone, tbh. None of our mutual friends have said whether or not he is.

 

As for that last bolded part, I agree, that's what I would do. I would never say anything to pacify someone! I'd rather be honest and make a genuine effort to resolve things or cut my losses and move the hell on! but maybe that's just me and it's naive of me to think someone would do the same thing.

 

Honestly, I don't know what to think. Why suggest emailing only to be blanked?? Rather than coming up with this bull**** excuse would it not be easier to meet in person or break things off for good rather than hoping this will fade out. Because, this is how it's looking from my perspective now, maybe he's thinking I'll drop it. But when someone says something to me I take their word for it... because I'm the type of person who's true to their word (with the exception of that 'final contact' text! :p)

Graceful Established Member

Graceful

Posted
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SS,

 

My first reaction to your situation is "this ship has sailed" -- it doesn't even sound like the two of you like each other very much, so why are you turning yourself inside out over him?

 

You are trying to force fit, go backwards, or rekindle a flame that was never very bright in the first place, from the sound of it.

 

Is there nothing else on the horizon for you that you need to revisit a relationship that was merely "satisfactory" in the first place? You have left lots of details out, granted, but with the few details you did give, you make no verbal overtures about what a great person he is, why you liked him in the first place, there is no warmth, no tenderness, nothing.

 

After a sticky several months my ex and I have been emailing one another for almost three months... he suggested that I email him the 'angry' stuff I was feeling in order to rebuild our relationship. I was reluctant to send him that 'angry' email because I don't think anger solves anything... it's counterproductive in my opinion.
Disagree about anger. Expressing anger is essential. Hanging onto it is destructive. Anger serves a purpose in our lives, and needs to be aired. That's how you get rid of it. Once the purpose is over, it should dissipate. Some people need help figuring out how to express anger in a productive way without putting the object (person) of the anger on the defensive. That's why expressing anger turns out to be counterproductive, b/c people do not know how to express in a way that helps.

 

But it was an very honest email and I also apologised for the things I said in the past (I said that I wanted no contact at one point but it was because I was so fustrated at the way things were going and he'd cancelled 2 of our meet ups and there was some other nonsense... but like it was a heat of the moment reply which I regret). I apologised for not speaking up to things when I should have (sorry to be vague but if I went in to detail you'd end up with a novel to read!!!).
This is concisely what I meant above. You don't know how to express your anger in a way that made you feel okay about it, and you admit right here that you had plenty of reasons to be pizzed.

 

It's been close to three weeks since I sent this email.... and I'm wondering, if he wants to rebuild our relationship, and for me to get things off my chest and tell him what I'm feeling, why hasn't he responded yet?
No one knows for sure, but it's possible you put him on the defensive and he doesn't want to deal with you. You just said yourself that you don't want to get into a shouting match, so neither does he.

 

I should add that we dated several years ago for a little over 2 years and broke up, then in the summer of 2009 he got back in touch with me and we started seeing one another again. Since summer 2010 things haven't been the greatest between us, he wanted to cool things off and I decided not to contact him for several weeks. When I contacted him we've been out for dinner 2-3 times and things went down hill from there.
Again, you will have to be more specific why you want this man in your life and why you feel all this is worth the frustration, poor treatment, confusion, being jerked around, come here - go away, lack of communication, break off, come back, don't talk to me, well, you get the idea ...

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in in advance.

You're beating a dead horse. The horse is dead. Time to dismount. Sorry. :(

nature Established Member

nature

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He does not truly want to rebuild things. If he did, he would not suggest you write him an email. He would want to see you in person, and he would be pursuing you and working on things. He is dangling you. Keeping you on the backburner. Stroking his ego by keeping you around just enough to know you are there. It looks as though you are the one who wanted to work this out far more than he does. I would say it's over. I'm sorry if that hurts, but it is. Either phone him and say goodbye and tell him this is not good enough, or leave it be. Then cry yourself some tears. Go through the grief of acceptance. And realize this guy is not trying. Take care.

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Scarlet Siren New Member

Scarlet Siren

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I got a response from him tonight. it basically said:

 

hey, how are you? I hope things are going will at your end.

 

Sorry for not responding to your last email. I've been busy at work and I'm taking time to process what you said. I promise to get back to you soon.

 

x

 

Well, we'll see.... we all have a different idea of how soon is soon exactly, LOL.

 

But at least he replied I guess.

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