broken3 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Hi there again everyone, I conducted my first post here earlier and wanted to continue to get help with my situation. Please refer to "in a bad state at the moment..." for more information on my circumstance. All right, so I have been NC for about a day now and while it is tough, I seem to be coping all right, doing other things to get my mind off her. She is actually on holidays at the moment in a beach town about 30 minutes away (I'll add that I live in Australia). I'm confused at what to do now? I always keep thinking of how she is feeling and whether she is missing me or not? It has thrown me because the last comment I received from her yesterday was "whenever I see your name, I am reminded of how lucky I am to still have you in my life" So what do I do from here? She is due back in 2-3 days time (I live about half a kilometre away from her house) I have been looking quite heavily at TW Jackson's "Magic of Making Up", should I go ahead and buy that? T Dub suggested that the first step you should take in winning someone back is to write a small, handwritten letter basically agreeing with the breakup and saying that it is best if we both move on. I have written this and it is sitting on my desk. Should I go ahead and give it to her? Then what is next? I'm worried that the longer she goes without hearing me, the better chances are that she will forget me. Everytime I am on Facebook, she is the one who start's "chatting" with me? Any advise will do. Thanks for everyones continuing help during what is a tough time for me. Regards, Sam.
Owz600 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 The thing which really gets you into there mind is mystery. If you go NC that means no facebook (delete her) no phones, no contact at all, you want to vanish from her life, thats when she will begin to wonder about you. Do not send her letters or anything of the sort. "whenever I see your name, I am reminded of how lucky I am to still have you in my life" *Note 'Still have you in my life' you don't want that, that is how you fall into the friends category* Good luck, stay NC, delete her on facebook it will be hard but the best thing you will ever have done, it's working brilliant for me.
eyyoguy24 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Good luck, stay NC, delete her on facebook it will be hard but the best thing you will ever have done, it's working brilliant for me. Can you explain how this is working brilliantly for you? I am in Day 17 of no contact, but I haven't deleted her from FB. I feel like (I know, pathetic) one night she will be lonely and think she made a mistake and FB will be the easiest way for her to contact me. I also want her to see my updates and new pics so she begins to think that I am moving on, having fun, and not dwelling on her. Also, I don't want it to be seen as immature, and furthermore, deleting her at this point will make her think that I'm still thinking about her and she's still getting to me. I'd rather not give her that satisfaction. On the flip side, I look at her profile everyday and it makes me sad and pushes me back when I see comments on there that indicate that she's having fun and her normal, happy self that she used to be with me to everyone but me. Thoughts? Advice?
GreenPolicy Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Who cares what they think if you delete them off fb? They weren't concerned with what you thought when they dumped you. I deleted my ex because fb is evil in the aftermath of a breakup and looking at her profile is only going to hurt me. It's a necessary, healing thing, not a spiteful, vindictive thing.
Owz600 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Can you explain how this is working brilliantly for you? I am in Day 17 of no contact, but I haven't deleted her from FB. I feel like (I know, pathetic) one night she will be lonely and think she made a mistake and FB will be the easiest way for her to contact me. I also want her to see my updates and new pics so she begins to think that I am moving on, having fun, and not dwelling on her. Also, I don't want it to be seen as immature, and furthermore, deleting her at this point will make her think that I'm still thinking about her and she's still getting to me. I'd rather not give her that satisfaction. On the flip side, I look at her profile everyday and it makes me sad and pushes me back when I see comments on there that indicate that she's having fun and her normal, happy self that she used to be with me to everyone but me. Thoughts? Advice? Your situation is very close to mine. I am on day 17 NC also and only deleted her 4 days ago on facebook. I eventually had to do it in order for myself to heal, every time I saw her facebook status my mind would wonder and she has a lot of boy friends so when I saw them commenting it made my mind go crazy. Yes it was an easy way for her to contact me when she was weak, she made the first move and commented on my status saying 'That made me laugh x' that killed me. We broke up on mutual ground, we both needed it. When I deleted her on facebook I sent her a short email explaining why I had to do it, it was not meant to hurt her but it was meant to make me heal which it is doing. The facebook status's were see through it was as if we was both pretending we are getting a better life, everything is perfect and we are having fun. I couldn't stand it anymore it was hurting too much. I was looking at her fb page everyday and stalking it, it wasn't healthy and held me back. I do hope we get in touch again maybe in a months time when we are both better, she was more than a girlfriend she was my best friend.
Colorless Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 There is only one course of action that really gives you any chance at getting back together. I posted it in your other topic, but here goes... Tell her "It's too hard to be just friends. I want to give it another shot, and if you do too, then contact me then." And go 100% NC. Ignore all calls/texts unless they are what you requested. No book can save you, and no advice will trump that. This is your only shot.
Author broken3 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 Thanks Colorless, I have read your advise and taken it it Now, this is going to sound really weird, but my ex was and still is a very nice person. She was great to me during our relationship and has not at one stage shown animosity towards me during this time. A few days ago when I was desperate she always took my phone calls and replied to my texts. She stayed up until 1am to listen to me ball my eyes out and try to convince her that she made the wrong decision (I now know this was the wrong way to go about things!) All I'm saying is that I don't think I can say that. In my inexperienced eyes, if I had a glimmer of hope, it would go right out the window if I sent that message to her. Something that I have been thinking of just now. I wanted to get your opinion on. Give her say 5-6 or 7 days of NC so that she can get her head around everything and to give her some space and think things over in her mind personally and then possibly organise to meet up or go on another run? What if I purchased her a special gift? Or what if I made a heartfelt video for her? One issue that I had to come to terms with was that at the start of our relationship, I was extremely charming (so she says!), I bought her flowers/chocolates/movies/lunch etc. but during the middle stages of our relationship, I had to deal with the death of a close family member and I will openly admit that this put her down the list, I was greiving and when I add 1 and 1 together, this is the period of time where she lost her love for me. I just want an opinion as to whether I should be adventurous and try and win her heart back? Thanks again for your support and attempts to help me through this Regards, Sam.
Colorless Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 (edited) It's human nature (unless you're a sociopath, narcissist, etc) to want to resolve things by doing "everything you can". The fact is though, that once she crossed that 'line', you can't do anything to get her back. In fact, everything you will do will be counter productive. All you can do is hope that what you had done DURING the relationship will be enough to bring her back in your COMPLETE ABSENCE. What this means is, do what I told you to do. Then hope that the things you did when you had her, will be enough to make her miss you. There is nothing "more" you can do now. You have to cut yourself off and hope she misses you. Hopefully along the way you'll see you never needed her. Don't make any videos, notes, nothing. That will make you seem far more clingy. You consciously leaving (i.e. your absence), is your dignity, and that is your strength, your weapon and your greatest attraction now that you're on this side of the fence. It's not what you do now; it's what you DON'T do. Just make sure you say it like I did a few posts back. Kindness and dignity = your only chance. Edited January 15, 2011 by Colorless
Von Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Broken, I'm telling you man you hafta do what colorless said. Otherwise you'll end up the same way I did a year ago, getting REALLY dumped again after being strung along for months. Don't put yourself through the misery. You sound really desperate and clingy and nothing you do at this point will get her back. Nothing. There is no getting an ex back trick. You need to MOVE ON. Let go. Completely ignore her. Go full total NC and disappear. That's the only way to heal and get your mind back. I know your hurting, and want her back more than anything... But I'm telling you from experience that it is NOT possible. The only thing you can ever accept from an ex that dumped you is for them to showup at your door begging you for forgiveness and to start over. Everything else is selfish lies. She has to realize her mistake on her and own and they usually don't, because they DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE. That's the hard truth bud. And don't worry about if she doesn't hear from you she'll forget you. It doesn't work like that. I haven't heard from some of my exes in years and they still pop in my head every now and then, with my last ex several times a week. It doesn't mean anything but as you see they're not forgotten. Actually the less she hears from you the more she'll think of you. That's just how it is. Things happen for a reason your probably meant to be with someone better.
Winherback Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Broken, I'm telling you man you hafta do what colorless said. Otherwise you'll end up the same way I did a year ago, getting REALLY dumped again after being strung along for months. Don't put yourself through the misery. You sound really desperate and clingy and nothing you do at this point will get her back. Nothing. There is no getting an ex back trick. You need to MOVE ON. Let go. Completely ignore her. Go full total NC and disappear. That's the only way to heal and get your mind back. I know your hurting, and want her back more than anything... But I'm telling you from experience that it is NOT possible. The only thing you can ever accept from an ex that dumped you is for them to showup at your door begging you for forgiveness and to start over. Everything else is selfish lies. She has to realize her mistake on her and own and they usually don't, because they DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE. That's the hard truth bud. And don't worry about if she doesn't hear from you she'll forget you. It doesn't work like that. I haven't heard from some of my exes in years and they still pop in my head every now and then, with my last ex several times a week. It doesn't mean anything but as you see they're not forgotten. Actually the less she hears from you the more she'll think of you. That's just how it is. Things happen for a reason your probably meant to be with someone better. BINGO. I am currently going through this right now. It was an up and down off and on again relationship for over 2 years. But the move I WISH I would have done was make her suffer and beg to come back after the first time. Not go NC, do the right thing and and when she knocks...immediately let her back in. Why? Because it in making her earn you back you could possibly make her scared enough to never want to risk losing you again. The alternative? You making it easy on her to leave and come back..... and that begins a slippery slope in her mind she almost cant even control that will eventually ruin you. What do you have to risk by doing the advised? If she went for the alternative, then it leads to that slope, and ultimately confirms she is the type of girl to basically use you in a sense. Which is a terrible terrible road to travel down and not an option for you I promise. So you are left with the best scenario. Either it works and you are with her again and she thinks you are not playing around. Or it doesnt work and she doesnt ever respond. Either one of those are better than the dragged along delay the inevitable pain. Trust me.
AC06 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Can you explain how this is working brilliantly for you? I am in Day 17 of no contact, but I haven't deleted her from FB. I feel like (I know, pathetic) one night she will be lonely and think she made a mistake and FB will be the easiest way for her to contact me. Don't make it easy. Anyone can go on Facebook and shoot a message in a spur of the moment. If they really, really want to talk to you or try to come back, they will do it. Making it harder means they have to put in the kind of effort that at least shows more thought than a message on Facebook. Delete your Facebook.
Am4Real Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Your situation is very close to mine. I am on day 17 NC also and only deleted her 4 days ago on facebook. I eventually had to do it in order for myself to heal, every time I saw her facebook status my mind would wonder and she has a lot of boy friends so when I saw them commenting it made my mind go crazy. Yes it was an easy way for her to contact me when she was weak, she made the first move and commented on my status saying 'That made me laugh x' that killed me. We broke up on mutual ground, we both needed it. When I deleted her on facebook I sent her a short email explaining why I had to do it, it was not meant to hurt her but it was meant to make me heal which it is doing. The facebook status's were see through it was as if we was both pretending we are getting a better life, everything is perfect and we are having fun. I couldn't stand it anymore it was hurting too much. I was looking at her fb page everyday and stalking it, it wasn't healthy and held me back. I do hope we get in touch again maybe in a months time when we are both better, she was more than a girlfriend she was my best friend. And the majority of those I’ve met who are fanatical about FaceCrap are “off” in a way unique to their need for social bonding based on information and updates the most intelligent on our planet classify as useless substance. Keeping the above explanation in mind, does it not fit those that manage and allow basis for their relationship on the same medium as “off” in a unique way. I hear the word FaceBook and have to scream back “get a life”.
Author broken3 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 All right guys. Here is an update on the situation. Have been in NC for 3 days and she has contacted me for the first time over Facebook. I was quite generic with my answers... Ex: How was your weekend? Me: Not too bad ... along those lines. A lot of "yes", "maybe", "no worries" and ":)" So then this is what has got my mind thinking and again, I don't want to get my hopes up to early. She goes... Ex: I got new swimmers! They look so good! Me: Cool Ex: They are a bit different from b4. They are strapless and are gold + black. I'm going for a new look Me: Cool Ex: I'll go for a swim with you in your pool if your Mum lets me Me: Ex: Well only if you would want to Me: We will see yeah? Ex: Woo! Then she went on to ask if I was free anytime this week... Not sure what to read out of her comments and this conversation? Any help on the current situation would be very much appreciated Kind Regards, Sam.
Am4Real Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) All right guys. Here is an update on the situation. Have been in NC for 3 days and she has contacted me for the first time over Facebook. I was quite generic with my answers... Ex: How was your weekend? Me: Not too bad ... along those lines. A lot of "yes", "maybe", "no worries" and ":)" So then this is what has got my mind thinking and again, I don't want to get my hopes up to early. She goes... Ex: I got new swimmers! They look so good! Me: Cool Ex: They are a bit different from b4. They are strapless and are gold + black. I'm going for a new look Me: Cool Ex: I'll go for a swim with you in your pool if your Mum lets me Me: Ex: Well only if you would want to Me: We will see yeah? Ex: Woo! Then she went on to ask if I was free anytime this week... Not sure what to read out of her comments and this conversation? Any help on the current situation would be very much appreciated Kind Regards, Sam. There's not much to read...looks as if she is wondering if you're still thinking of her and pining for her and, from your responses she had her question answered: you are. Since she didn't say anything else to directly indicate she wants to be with you I'd strike it up as curious inquisition and move on as the "head games" are certain to continue until she finds someone else to replace those thoughts and moves on from you for good. Period. Edited January 17, 2011 by Am4Real
Author broken3 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Thanks Am4Real, It just threw me. I did not instigate the conversation and I did not give her any emotion answers (talking about the break up etc.) .... yet she has gone ahead and asked if she can go for a swim with me and has asked whether I am free this week. Thanks again
Am4Real Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Thanks Am4Real, It just threw me. I did not instigate the conversation and I did not give her any emotion answers (talking about the break up etc.) .... yet she has gone ahead and asked if she can go for a swim with me and has asked whether I am free this week. Thanks again You can never know what is really going on in their heads, nor can you make assumption with any accuracy. The trick at this time is for you and you especially, to know what is going on in your head and your heart. You seem to be getting in touch with both and that is a very good signal. For your EX…the more you stay away from her and resist communication the more she has to wonder why you are NOT trying to win her back or making desperate moves for her, therefore recent contact may be more of an ego “test” or “game”. Sometimes it’s not as much what they are saying to us but more of what they are NOT saying. Put it this way. If she had of said to you “Hey, I bought a new swim outfit and thought it would be good idea if I came around for a swim and use the time to talk about our relationship, both the past and possibility of a future; you see I’ve been giving us a lot of thought and being apart has been the best thing for me to realize just how much I miss what we had and what I really want in life and I want to do whatever I can to put us back together if possible”. “Would 3 PM at your Mother’s place work for you?” See how clear and non-confusing that was? Would you not then know what she wanted? Of course. But she didn’t say that did she? Perhaps she is shy, embarrassed or make up any excuse you want. On the other side I’d have to tell you from experience on this forum and reading the tens of thousands of posts over the years, the most successful reconciliations happen when both parties state clearly what they want, desire and will live for in the future. Good luck and best wishes, Am4Real
Author broken3 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Thanks again Am4Real, Unfortunately, I don't think she would say anything along those lines. She is quite conscious of her image and she is quite shy. She told me during the break up that she is not an affectionate person and does not come from an affectionate family (which I also picked up myself) But I'm being completely honest saying what she has said. My attempt today with our 10 minute Facebook chat was the shut her off whilst not be too impolite. There were plenty of "wait and see" and "possibly". I didn't want to commit myself to anything nor seem to emotional. I was quite articulate around her and always talked (one of her reasons for breaking up was that I was too clingy). I just want to show her that I am emotionally strong now and moving on. Naturally, I am not a mean or impolite person and I still think it necessary to treat her with sincerity. She is still a really nice person. I really want to keep going NC, it's just so tempting, but I know that when I see her again, things might go off the rails. Thanks again! Regards, Sam.
SDA Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 You can never know what is really going on in their heads Boom. Mind explosion. 100% true. She's obviously thinking of you and maybe missing you but it is also a test. Go back to NC and don't look back. She's looking for you to give her attention and don't show it.
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