shawnm789 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 during the last month of my former affair to MOW,we had a phone conversation one afternoon on her ride home from work.we were discussing plans to get together and do something and i had asked her what would be good.this is what i got in reply-"i need to spend more time with my husband and son...you should do the same as well with your wife"ok....now,she also went on to add that "we can still talk,be great friends..i can still do a night out..just have to be careful..but i need to spend more time at home"now,why i still have her in my head is because of two things-one-we had an affair,so why put the "friends" tag on it after everything that has happened?and two-she was still calling me in secret without her husband's knowledge but yet wants to spend more time at home with the hubby?things that make you go hmmm......
love4me2c Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Do you even care that you had an affair on your wife? Sounds like you care more about figuring out the OW. Weird.
Author shawnm789 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Do you even care that you had an affair on your wife? Sounds like you care more about figuring out the OW. Weird. my apologies-yes,i do care that i betrayed my wife and that i was lost in the "fog" for 2 years.and i am not blameshifting as it was just as much my responsibility as it was hers...just something that id like opinions and feedback about on here is all.
Author shawnm789 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 So what is it you want? just to figure out why she was all over the place and to get the mental closure i need to proceed forward and to not have this in my head....like my title says..unwanted headspace...
Fog Light Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Odd that you didn't understand what she meant by that... Look it up. When you traded in your soul they should have given you a standard English to Monster translation guide.
Author shawnm789 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Odd that you didn't understand what she meant by that... Look it up. When you traded in your soul they should have given you a standard English to Monster translation guide. yes-from the posts i have already gotten from this thread i look like a complete and utter clown....what im trying to get at is this...if she was going to legitimately want to work on her marriage...fine..but why the continued secrecy?juxtaposition?
love4me2c Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 I say work on your marriage and forget about OW. Don't worry why she did the things she did.
Iconoclast Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 just to figure out why she was all over the place Because she's married, and knee deep in cognitive dissonance. and to get the mental closure i need to proceed forward and to not have this in my head....like my title says..unwanted headspace... Closure is the revelation and acceptance of the truth, affairs are an illusion, deceptive and untruthful. So you can have your closure, but it won't come from her.
Author shawnm789 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Because she's married, and knee deep in cognitive dissonance. Closure is the revelation and acceptance of the truth, affairs are an illusion, deceptive and untruthful. So you can have your closure, but it won't come from her. to be honest-the reason why i ended things with her was because she was still initiating contact..and from what i read on here..any continued contact by a WS to their AP and vice versa means that the flame is still lit for something to flame up again no matter what life circumstance could be happening on both ends.as for my own marriage-i have been out of the A for 5 months now and am so much better off because of it.me and my wife ae doing MC,i am doing IC,being honest and transparent with everything-cell phone,computer,calling her when im out to let her know where i am going...either with friends or running errands.
Fog Light Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 yes-from the posts i have already gotten from this thread i look like a complete and utter clown....what im trying to get at is this...if she was going to legitimately want to work on her marriage...fine..but why the continued secrecy?juxtaposition? Seriously dude?!?! You were in this affair and your actually asking this question??? you claim regret and seeking mental "closure" ??? - No, you dont ask these questions seeking closure, you are willfully keeping the door open. You want the real answer to your questions? You should know this already... Try this... Your AP is a cheating, deceitful, selfish, fog talking, lying, dirty, addict, attention whore... You really want to know what she meant? good luck. I'd start with she was probably deceiving herself and her husband and you further by trying to convince herself she was really "working on" her marriage... while she was keeping you in the background as the other rope to grab onto when her husband woke up or when she was just feeling needy and wanted some sin swappin' time with her fellow dirtbag partner in crime... Sorry to be harsh. If you are really working on your marriage, I wish you well.
Author shawnm789 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Seriously dude?!?! You were in this affair and your actually asking this question??? you claim regret and seeking mental "closure" ??? - No, you dont ask these questions seeking closure, you are willfully keeping the door open. You want the real answer to your questions? You should know this already... Try this... Your AP is a cheating, deceitful, selfish, fog talking, lying, dirty, addict, attention whore... You really want to know what she meant? good luck. I'd start with she was probably deceiving herself and her husband and you further by trying to convince herself she was really "working on" her marriage... while she was keeping you in the background as the other rope to grab onto when her husband woke up or when she was just feeling needy and wanted some sin swappin' time with her fellow dirtbag partner in crime... Sorry to be harsh. If you are really working on your marriage, I wish you well. fog-thanks for the 2x4 over the head.and looking back now-she was still controlling the communication between us(dont call me..ill call you)and pretty much for id say a year or so up until d-day it was an EA.... it had been a PA for 4 and a half months at the beginning.but i agree with you whole heartedly-i feel she was deceiving herself as well by thinking that she could supposedly work on her marriage and still be doing stuff outside of it her husband didnt know about.btw-your comments about her are making me laugh my ass off....
Carrot2000 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 -"i need to spend more time with my husband and son...you should do the same as well with your wife" we can still talk,be great friends..i can still do a night out..just have to be careful..but i need to spend more time at home Translation: My husband is getting suspicious and I gotta lay low and stop sneaking out to see you for a while. I still want to continue cheating with you, though, so just hang tight until the coast is clear at home. Since we aren't seeing as much of each other, this might be a good time for you to spend some time gas lighting your wife!
Minnie09 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 That's an easy one: She still wants to have her cake and eat it, too. She's keeping the door open, but on her terms only. If she can, she'll call you to meet up, i.e. when it's completely safe for her (H on business trip and whatnot). She doesn't want to get busted, so she needs to be in control. If she gave you permission to initiate, she would not feel safe, because you might call her when she's not alone. The A will continue, if you let it happen.
freestyle Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 OP>......choose. It's really that simple. make a firm irrevocable decision. Your marriage or the affair. ANY continued contact with the OW is continuing the affair. Once you've made your decision--block the OW from contacting you whatsoever. The OW is still on your mind, because you're allowing her to be. And by offering to still be a sidepiece, the OW is essentially thumbing her nose at your wife. If you truly love your wife, why on earth would you tolerate that?(and by the way, any continued communication on your part, with the OW, is another slap in the face to your wife.) Why not redirect the energy you're spending trying to decipher the OW's intentions into trying to figure out how to remove the knife from your wife's back? so..........choose.
2sunny Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 you say you are being honest with your W and in counseling... have YOU told everything about the affair to your wife? how can she be expected to work on things if she doesn't have any idea what you were doing? just wondering... also, does MOW's husband know? including what empty void the MOW filled for you that your wife didn't? if you haven't - then there is no honesty involved... so which is it?
Spark1111 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I agree with every poster on this thread. Her husband was growing suspicious or she was growing tired of it all. Either way, she was letting you down gently so as not to now hurt your feelings. All APs do this when it is time to end it. They truly are such cowards. But what it does instead is keep you wondering and guessing at the obscure messages. It keeps hope in your heart that she still cares and may want to resume if the time and circumstances are right. It keeps you on an emotional hook with a toe in the door of your heart should she ever call, text, etc. It allows her the fantasy that you are pining away for her forever. It is cruel, much crueler than saying: "we are over." Slam the door on it. Re-commit to your wife, and don't allow anyone to toy with your emotions in this manner.
wheelwright Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 my apologies-yes,i do care that i betrayed my wife and that i was lost in the "fog" for 2 years.and i am not blameshifting as it was just as much my responsibility as it was hers...just something that id like opinions and feedback about on here is all. Gosh as an xMOW I find it hard that the A was fog to you. What was the 'fog' epiphany for you? Cause it didn't happen to me.
East7 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 (edited) Her husband was growing suspicious or she was growing tired of it all. Either way, she was letting you down gently so as not to now hurt your feelings. All APs do this when it is time to end it. They truly are such cowards. But what it does instead is keep you wondering and guessing at the obscure messages. It keeps hope in your heart that she still cares and may want to resume if the time and circumstances are right. It keeps you on an emotional hook with a toe in the door of your heart should she ever call, text, etc. It allows her the fantasy that you are pining away for her forever. It is cruel, much crueler than saying: "we are over." Slam the door on it. Re-commit to your wife, and don't allow anyone to toy with your emotions in this manner. Completely agree with Spark. She is dumping you in a gentle way, it is "womanise" language to say "I'm done", married AP never dump openly and brutally. Time to spend with her family is total bull$, if she wanted to spend time with family she would have never started an A to begin with. Just an excuse to break it gently. Of course "friends" line is bull$ too..She wants the A to be over but wants to keep hooks on you just in case she gets bored with hubby, it is possessiveness, she wants to "own" you and get you back when she feels like resuming it. The best you can do is to cut her off completely. It will drive her crazy but that's fine. I'm not married but if I was in your shoes, I would run back to my wife. You have a wife that has committed with you, wants you in her life and doesn't play with your feelings, why do you waste your time with a woman that plays with your head ? Either way, you have both agreed to have nothing more than an A, no promises, now she isn't interested anymore so just let her go. Edited January 15, 2011 by East7
Author shawnm789 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 i made my decision 5 months ago to end my A and work on my marriage.and i could give two s***s about what she's doing.and slowly but surely the knife marks in my wife's back are healing.
Author shawnm789 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 you say you are being honest with your W and in counseling... have YOU told everything about the affair to your wife? how can she be expected to work on things if she doesn't have any idea what you were doing? just wondering... also, does MOW's husband know? including what empty void the MOW filled for you that your wife didn't? if you haven't - then there is no honesty involved... so which is it? i have told her every detail about it and haven't left anything out.as far as her husband-she had told me on our d-day that he didn't know about me.the voids she filled for me at the time-intimacy,emotional connection,social time,etc.
Author shawnm789 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Gosh as an xMOW I find it hard that the A was fog to you. What was the 'fog' epiphany for you? Cause it didn't happen to me. it was what i describe in my thread starter-the lines she tried to feed me which led to me dissolving the A.
Author shawnm789 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Completely agree with Spark. She is dumping you in a gentle way, it is "womanise" language to say "I'm done", married AP never dump openly and brutally. Time to spend with her family is total bull$, if she wanted to spend time with family she would have never started an A to begin with. Just an excuse to break it gently. Of course "friends" line is bull$ too..She wants the A to be over but wants to keep hooks on you just in case she gets bored with hubby, it is possessiveness, she wants to "own" you and get you back when she feels like resuming it. The best you can do is to cut her off completely. It will drive her crazy but that's fine. I'm not married but if I was in your shoes, I would run back to my wife. You have a wife that has committed with you, wants you in her life and doesn't play with your feelings, why do you waste your time with a woman that plays with your head ? Either way, you have both agreed to have nothing more than an A, no promises, now she isn't interested anymore so just let her go. east7-i have been out of this for months now and as i look back i cannot believe how deep in the 'FOG' i got and all the bs that she fed me and i took like a little puppy-the controlled communication,the deceit(which shouldn't have surprised me given we were still in the A),when i could see her,etc.but what amused me more than anything is after she said all those ridiculous things she stayed in contact with me 3x a week and we actually met up once before we had met up again and i ended it.part of me thinks that she dumped my ass because she met another guy to screw around with and manipulate.but-the past is the past and i've moved on with my sanity finally back and my head out of my a**.
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