Maybe this is just what I needed!!

[Winherback]

I really need to get this off my chest, and ahead of time I TRULY THANK YOU for bearing with me. Its pretty detailed, but its a story that I just can't friggin wrap my head around at all. I need some clarity and I am trying to keep my head held high. Love is a crazy messed up thing ain't it?

 

 

 

 

So me and this girl have been in each others life for 2.5 years now. She is 5 years younger than me and very pretty unfortunately. We first met in late 2008, got hot and heavy immediately, sex within like 3 days of hanging out. Almost no challenge for me. She lived in another city about an hr away from the big city I live in... so it was LTR relationship for first year, she was all over me came on very strong and fast and it kinda pushed me a way in my head to be honest, and I noticed she was still in the wild stage of life, finishing up in college (at 27 yrs old yet), partying, acting wild in social scenes,etc. Those were just some apprehensions I had early on, and maybe it made me a bit stand offish,etc. But on to it, the first 10 months was wonderful, we talked about finally finding the each other (the "one'),etc... she came to stay with me every weekend,etc..... it was a great ride, and our families clicked with us right away. She did a whole lot to try and please me, and sexually it did actually stay on a path of less making love and more of you get the idea. But she always instigated it like that, and we were having tons of fun. We were in Love.

 

But the LTR and distance was hard over time and eventually she claimed she wasn't getting what she needed from me (she said she was always waiting by the phone, I was texting not calling enough, not doing things like sending a card every now and then, she was always coming to see me, we did more things with my friends, wondered what I loved about her, do I find her interesting,etc) and broke up out of nowhere after year 1 via a text from her. Those things she brought up I could actually believe at that time and see maybe where my apprehensions I mentioned got in my way of treating her how she wanted or needed. It is still debatable in my mind somewhat, because she is a person that needs a whole whole lot of attention and it killed her to be in a lame town while I was in the Big city.

The break up was like for a couple of weeks, and we went on a vacation we already had planned and hit it off and picked right back up, spoke about connecting more, things I needed to do, I promised her the moon,etc. It was great again, like brand new, and it kind of went back to the way it was before. The I love yous flowed. She said things like after a family function of hers that no one else could ever be what I was with her and her family. I helped her finish college, graduate, she was growing up a bit in my eyes, etc.. And things were good again, but she was now in the real world for the first time in her life, so she moved in with me immediately after college (big mistake) while she got her feet under her.

 

At around month 3 into living together (I am now basically supporting her) while I was at work she grabbed her stuff and just moved out with no warning and called while I was at work to tell me. It was like I was blindsided again. Cited reasons why, even mentioning stupid little things like I didnt help make the bed ever (she never did!). It was almost as bad as the text breakup. Am I seeing a trend of immaturity and creating things in her head that justify the breakup? Who knows, but I let it become my fault again. Not connecting was the big thing with her at this point. Yet, we would go days of laughing, cooking, going out, whatever and to me it was normal??

 

So after this breakup, I send an email after a few days, and she jumps right back into it. She admitted that she regretted it as soon as she broke up with me, realized her not communicating anything to me that made her upset, and that she wont run again and we promised to push through anything and work through it together no matter what. I said that we need to COMMUNICATE better and she cant keep things bottled up and then throw all of them at once at me. It seemed like some moments of clarity from her and understanding and commitment to working on things instead of just bottling them up and running.

 

So she moves back in. All good now, for months it was great again. I love you, marriage talk,etc.. she told my sister at one point she will never find anyone like me, yada, yada, yada. We even go and get a puppy together and it was like having a kid together. Side important note: I admit I was under ALOT of stress at work in 2010 and it did very much affect me...it got me down and affected me as a person and lost some confidence. I work from home a lot, and she worked odd jobs so we were always together all day and all night pretty much. It put some pressure on our relationship, and it just got routine. I do think she was the kind of girl that if I was stressed, she made it about her and the lack of attention she was getting or would spite any extra effort she had to put in to support me in stressful times, or even look down on me. This would only worsen us imo because it put me into a walking on eggshells type of mentality. This despite me basically supporting her financially. So we get a pup, it bonded us, we raise the dog together, talk big plans, and move forward.

 

Fast forward to this past Sept. She drops a hint that she is looking for her own place, it leads to talk of us, shes not happy, only about the dog, but that it could be good for us. Fine, maybe your right, but I do see it as a step back. She tells me she is hanging on by a string. It was like the same thing over again. Citing not having her back examples??? She keeps a strict scorecard thats for sure. Here we go again thoughts. I just want to abide, try and fix things, and tell her its time we opened up more and let it all out and reconnect. It was great for a few days, I focused all on her, coddling, dancing in kitchen,happy...and I said see, its here and she agreed and said she just wanted more of it. It didnt last too long, as we got back into our routine. But I am still wanting to work on things and at one point try new things like suggest writing 3 things down we would like each other to work on,etc.. So I am trying and committed to work on it.

 

Bam, October comes around and she tells me its over and she is moving out. Why? Don't do this again... Fine, go, bye. Does say some hurtful things like I have found out who you truly are and says she cant handle me stressed, I dont wanna marry you... ouch. We dont talk for two weeks (longest in 2 years). She sent me letter I didnt respond. The dog gets loose one day and her number is one his collar, he was found, she was called, we talked and she was crying and destroyed. I asked if she wanted to see the dog, so we met up. She was crying when she got there. Said its been the hardest time in her entire life, etc,etc.. So we continue to meet at dog park per her request every now and then, she brings up dinner, we do couple of dates, nothing committed, but keeping tabs so to speak on each other. She says she has sworn off guys, trying to figure herself out. And I admit that this was good for me to get my swagger back and get my stuff together as well and could be just what we need. So up and down a little bit, but we are keeping the door open. She almost shuts it a time or two, but never does and hints at things I would need to do if we tried this again. But unsure and says she may have finally given up, so Im still unsure here and keeping my distance.

 

Then early December she starts admitting how lonely she is, that life is so hard, and that she did this to herself. We start talking more. We end up spending the couple weeks of Christmas together, talking about things we realize now (she realizes her requests of attention and needs from me were unreasonable, and that we spent too much time together, like I didnt have to go with her to hang out with her friggin friends ALL THE TIME like she always expected of me and when I didnt do put it on her negative score card).

 

It was great again, we were cuddling, having fun, talking again, but not engaging in sex. Again, agreeing to take it slow (not that I didnt try lol).... She even made a baby reference when I forgot my wallet (I do this alot) one morning saying oh great her babies are going to forget their diapers. That kind of talk. So Im thinking its moving forward again... but this time instead of rushing back in... to kind of take it slow and re-date and rebuild since we rushed into things LTR and never did that stage properly. We talked about it (mostly me about moving forward), it was kind of assumed a slow go, GOOD, well kinda.

 

We dont spend New Years together, but called and talked, she was missing me. Spent New Years day cooking big meal, hanging out, being touchy feely. But after that day, she kind of starts to push away again. When we spoke on phone first time we didnt speak one night... she tells me next day she hung out with 3 guys at a friends apartment drinking and watching a game. That threw me off.... from where we were over holidays to her doing and telling me this? She said it was harmless, I had nothing to worry about....and she was trying to be honest with me. Was this a test? Whatever, it threw me back... sensed a funky vibe from me and called me out on it, and I brought it up and things were a bit weird after that for the next week. We met a couple times and went out for dinner one night where after a few drinks she says we never made love and only effed all the time? What the hell? She honestly has me doubting my ability to be intimate,etc... but I didnt disagree completely I said thats not true, but we have a chance to make that happen more now. Right? Right, as she kind of looked away... I noticed that turn away which seems more important now.

 

She was becoming less and less responsive, less full hugs and more one armed ones or nothing at all... and I am getting more and more confused and maybe pushing for it. We meet this past Monday after not talking over weekend. Shes happy to talk to me, I come over for breakfast, she takes the dog for the day. No hug when we parted, I am trying to play it cool now I guess. Told her I would call her later about keeping dog next day but I didnt call as I am trying to play a little hard to get again. But, sent her a surprise set of flowers this past Wed (I never gave surprise flowers enough she always says) and she didnt call to thank but instead sent thank you via text. WTF? No call all day. Then I call next night to she if she had something of mine... doesnt call back and she sends text next day telling me they arent there.... I call get vm. Then get a TEXT which says its time to disconnect. We cant be friends, dating is unrealistic, and that we are not right for each other and thats that. Wow, another text message ending.

 

So I basically called got her VM (she wouldnt answer) and said really? After all we have been through you cant even pick up the phone and do this by text? Called her lame and how effed up it is. I then followed up with one FINAL text from me. Saying basically I know now despite how great the holidays i thought were together that it was all BS and she used me. Saying... You really think you have it figured out? I know it would have worked out but you resisted to open up to me and forgive. And whats really going on is that she blew her last chance with me, and to never look in my direction again. That was the end of it. Yesterday. Does it really all end with a text from her and thats it?

 

I have always left the door open before. But this time, I think I have finally had enough. From the baby talk over the holidays to the ending it via text yesterday, its pretty messed up. Sure I was never perfect, but I treated her well, loved her with all of my heart, was willing to stick through thick and thin, and wanted and tried for things to work.

 

Before I always kept hope for us in the future. Now I am faced with this reality that its truly over. That I can't let her come back into my life ever again. I am trying to accept it. Her memories are littered all over this damn house. I am angry and feeling betrayed at how she handled things in the end, and it does gives me moments of feeling like I am free now of this and that I am simply better off and I just dont need this. But then that stupid love bug starts saying well, you should have done this, and you should have done that... and wtf???

 

 

Can anyone out there make any sense of what the hell happened? Should I prepare for her attempt to return??

Edited January 14, 2011 by Winherback

[500daysofsummer]

i read the whole thing and to be honest, it sounds like she's done. don't take this the wrong way but you sound clingy, needy. girls need space man, you can't suffocate them. you always came back to her, every time. and the first sign of her giving in you came bending at the knees ready to take her back. you gotta know for sure she's in it to win it. sounds like she came back to you everytime because she was confused and lonely. but she probably was over it since the first breakup. maybe im right maybe im wrong.

 

i think it would be best to NC her indefinitely. what do you think?

Edited January 14, 2011 by 500daysofsummer

[Winherback]

Its all good, no offense taken. I appreciate the read and input.

 

I do think I went wrong in taking her back so quickly each time. But really, it was her saying my lack of showering her with Love and meeting all of her attention needs is what pushed her away the first couple of times. But to everyone else who knew us, I treated her good and that she was being unreasonable (which she did admit a couple of weeks ago was the case with her).

 

I tried to do less with her since we basically were together all the time while living together. Like I needed my space, so I would stay up later than her and watch tv or play xbox. Its like she wanted me to go to bed at her time, turn off tv, and chat every night. So instead I would bring her water, tuck her in, and say goodnight with a kiss,etc. Was that coming off as too needy and catering? To me it was to buy myself some alone time since I wasnt going to sleep and I didnt want her to go to bed upset. She would get upset at things like when I chatted with my bud via text more than we did... even though she hates it when we text alot and not over the phone. Or upset when we were with my friends I didnt pay attention to her enough. She insisted we do this, do more of that, and it was never enough. But now, like after other times apart she admits that we spent way too much time together, she was being unreasonable,etc...

 

If I was more firm and put my foot down when she left and wanted to come back, would I have been able to avoid this? Thats something I do beat myself up over sometimes.

 

It does sound like she is done, and maybe I pushed her away finally. I am totally committed to NC. We have not gone longer than two weeks without speaking since we met.

Edited January 14, 2011 by Winherback