Blue Gardenia Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 I am a woman in her late 30s. Fell in love, and we were talking marriage. We were not fighting but we did break up, causing both of us a lot of heartbreak. There was NC for 3 months, then I contacted him again. He was happy in a new relationship. I was shocked. Both of us are mature adults in our late 30s, professional, neither one of us is the emotionally reckless type and he was never into serial dating. When i contacted him, he said: - he still thinks about me - he still misses me - he still remembers what i smell like - he had gotten rid of my pictures but still had my emails and a few love letters i had written him - he took a trip down memory lane with me - he loved me, albeit in a different way than before - he knew I was hurt by the new relationship, and he still cared for me. - He said he has not closed his heart to me. I told him, yes you have. He said no I haven't, you have selective hearing. Then he said he's moved on and he's happy in a new relationship. He said he did not know what the future holds. He repeated that twice, even though he kept saying "i can't right now" to my plea's that he return to me so we can try again. I got the feeling that he did not want to hurt the girl he was with. At the same time, I got the feeling that he is happy with her and feels that it may work out because the obstacles that he and i had are not there. Is he trying to keep me in his "back pocket" by saying "i don't know what the future holds"? When someone loves you deeply, and you separate for reasons that have nothing to do with feelings (i.e. not falling out of love), does that mean that a part of him will always love me? Its been 3 months since we talked. I remain emotionally hurt by the fact that he was able to replace me in his heart so fast. I haven't heard from him. do you think he still thinks about me from time to time? do you think that if this relationship does not work out, he may think about me again? We truly had a loving, tender relationship. It broke up because there were some practical obstacles that we couldn't get through....but we never really tried to work on those obstacles. We just gave up.
SophiaL Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 How I wish I'd known the answers for those questions... I believe most of us that are posting here, have been in situations like that, I myself am in a very similiar position. I've guessed a lot of reasons why even though my ex has moved on he still says things like that. I guess they are unsure of the future and maybe want to keep us as a safe option?! at the end of the day when you spend a long time with somebody, this person becomes a part of you and is very hard to let it go...I'm having a hard time and I hope to get better, but there are days that I just want to call him and ask what is really going on and tell him what I think, but if i do that i might erase all the chances that we might have of getting back together, there is if there is a chance... so, it's like keep it to yourself or if you letit go then you let him go too...wish I could help you more, but I just want you to know that you are not alone and that only time can tell...
Denillad Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Im feeling the same things u are feeling. For me its been 2 years since we split n he got with a new girl in same time frame. It killes me to think he replaced me so fast. Im still hurt n i havent moved on from it. We have been in touch but ibe compromised for too long by being sexually involved with while he is in new relationship. I think i will have talk like urs tomorrow with him, to see what he has to say. I hope i dont lose it n i can get some amswers n try to move on cause im tired of living like this. I think people love differently and thats the difference, or maybe its not love but rather like. My ex said i meant the world to him and i broke his heart when we broke up but yet he prefered to leave his world behind. I really dont know. Stay strong and try to move on from it. I feel they have to try too, its not all on you.
Author Blue Gardenia Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 Sorry, i'm just really hurting right now, and need answers. 6 months ago he loved me dearly. I was his life, and he said I would live in his heart forever. 2 months after we broke up, he was in a new relationship, and was HAPPY with her. He could not return to me. Surely, part of him still loves me? I need to know this not to give me hope, but, it may validate our relationship in some way. We had such strong feelings, and now I feel like everything he said to me was worthless. If he loved me dearly 6 months ago, is all that erased now? This woman helped him get over the pain of losing me. She made him feel good when he was still feeling dark -- he told me that. Its a rebound, but, rebound relationships do work, I know. That being said, is it possible that he still thinks about me with feelings from time to time, and that I carry a special place in his heart? There were no fights between us, no harsh words, just a very painful acknowledgement that at the time we couldn't be together.
SophiaL Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Surely, part of him still loves me? I need to know this not to give me hope, but, it may validate our relationship in some way. We had such strong feelings, and now I feel like everything he said to me was worthless. Surely, he still thinks of you, cares for you, i don't know about love you...but for sure, you are still special to him and he will cherish the moments you shared, but the fact he has a new person in his life (being her a lasting rebound or not) means that he is trying to move on. You can not hold yourself and dwell in the past. What you had was unique and nobody will replace that, but at the same time maybe he needs some different now. Perhaps their 'relationship' is what he needs to help him figure out his life, but you should as well figure things out and what i keep telling myself is that if your ex was your soulmate you would not be separate now, whatever were the reasons for the break up...and if he was the one the break up would not have happened. There might be a time that you will get back together, but if you are still holding on to the past, the relationship will hit the same walls over and over again. For the time being, and for your own sanity let it be... Try the NC, i know is hard because like me and my ex we never had a bad time and to cut him off seems unfair, but i need to be fair to myself and can't hold him responsable for the relationship not working out... Time to work on you, meet new people and once you are strong emocially then you might be able to have your ex as a friend...
Author Blue Gardenia Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 That's what hurts the most -- that as soon as he met her, he probably realized that she was everything that I was not. And it burns like anything, because when he was with me he kept telling me I was everything he had wanted and I was what he was waiting for all these years. He's a very honest and straightforward man, never played games, so if he's happy with the Rebound Girl, then I know she is special. But I was special once too! And not that long ago! I also think that she called me last month. She didn't leave a #, but I saw her # on my phone, and did some digging. It bothered me, but at the same time, I thought, she must be jealous for a reason. She never called again, so I will never know what happened.
SophiaL Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 It does hurt, I know... For us now, is like a guessing game, we will be curious about what is happening, why did it happen, will it be over soon, is him in love now and all of those questions that play with our sanity. I wish I could just forget about him and move on. Try to find something to keep you busy, but needs to be something that you like doing.
Kansas Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I'm sorry that you are hurting and the situation that you are in is not an easy one. I can empathize with your position because I'm in a similar situation. But he's chosen to walk his path and he's chosen to do so with someone else and not with you. You have to respect his choice and let him move on in whatever way he sees fit. Don't torture yourself by telling yourself that you are not special - this will only make you feel worse. Clearly he didn't see your value, and you deserve to be with someone who does and who won't cast you aside for someone else. The reality is you loved him and would never treat him that way. You deserve to be with someone who loves you in the same way. Don't let him string you along with comments like "we don't know what the future holds" because as long as he is with her, a future does not exist for the two of you and don't let him take you down memory lane to ease his own guilt. Comments/conversations like that only lead you to questioning yourself and are not healthy for you right now. I don't mean to be harsh but its for your own good. Initiate NC. Begging for him back will only make you appear weak and he will lose respect for you; and as time goes on, it will make you feel silly. You can't change his mind or his heart. Focus on yourself, appreciate the love you had and move forward with the lessons you've learned. If it is meant to be then it will happen and if it doesn't happen then in the end, it's his loss.
Denillad Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) I'm sorry that you are hurting and the situation that you are in is not an easy one. I can empathize with your position because I'm in a similar situation. But he's chosen to walk his path and he's chosen to do so with someone else and not with you. You have to respect his choice and let him move on in whatever way he sees fit. Don't torture yourself by telling yourself that you are not special - this will only make you feel worse. Clearly he didn't see your value, and you deserve to be with someone who does and who won't cast you aside for someone else. The reality is you loved him and would never treat him that way. You deserve to be with someone who loves you in the same way. Don't let him string you along with comments like "we don't know what the future holds" because as long as he is with her, a future does not exist for the two of you and don't let him take you down memory lane to ease his own guilt. Comments/conversations like that only lead you to questioning yourself and are not healthy for you right now. I don't mean to be harsh but its for your own good. Initiate NC. Begging for him back will only make you appear weak and he will lose respect for you; and as time goes on, it will make you feel silly. You can't change his mind or his heart. Focus on yourself, appreciate the love you had and move forward with the lessons you've learned. If it is meant to be then it will happen and if it doesn't happen then in the end, it's his loss.. This is the reality for me and i will remind myself of these things. I will not make anymore effort to get back together or be friends. I will close this book. I changed my number yesterday n I'm goin to let him live his chosen life, good or bad and you should too. Edited January 19, 2011 by Denillad
Kansas Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Denillad - good for you for taking a stand, changing your number and making the decision to move forward. I commend you for being so strong. It's not fair for him to be moving forward with his life, expecting you to be there and preventing you from moving forward. You deserve to live a full life and deserve to be completely loved. You're not a side dish.
East7 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I wonder what is so hard with "practical issues" to make two people break up ? Distance ? I have always thought that 2 people who love each-other think about solutions, not obstacles... Love is actions not words. He might have very well talked marriage and kids with you, until he did nothing to achieve it, it means nothing, Nada... To be honest, I don't think he really loved you enough to want to be with you.
skydiveaddict Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I It broke up because there were some practical obstacles that we couldn't get through....but we never really tried to work on those obstacles. We just gave up. Yea that's the worst. Giving up. Obstacles are easy to overcome, but love still remains burning a hole in your heart
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