500daysofsummer Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 long story short: we fell in love. i cheated on her. we broke up. it's been a year and a half. she FINALLY forgave me but says we can't get back together. how do i proceed? since we broke up over a year ago i've always been the one to break NC. but this week was the first time she broke NC. should i play along with her and continue to talk to her everyday? or should i pull the rug from under her, go NC and disappear? i like the idea of going limited contact and keeping my distance but also keeping in touch regularly, just not as often. what do i do? i really want her back here's her e-mail: "i think that i can't not have you in my life. sorry for the double negative, but i don't know how else to put it. i know i said we can't get back together, but if i have to chose between having you in my life and not...i would chose having you. i don't know if i can restart a relationship with you in the future, but i still have feelings for you now. my feelings haven't gone anywhere & i feel like they're not going away anytime soon either...which is why NC has been hard on me. it always is. i try to be the stronger person every time, but i don't think i can bear NC anymore. i don't know what i'm trying to say. i guess it's that i want you to stay in my life. even though we haven't seen each other in so long, i still feel that sense of closeness with you. i like talking to you and getting/sending emails from/to you. i just want you to stay and be a part of my life & vice versa. is that too much to ask? even if it means me not knowing whether we should get back together or not? can you think about it? i'm not asking you to stay monogamous while i think about whether or not we should give it another try. i mean, hypothetically speaking, you could easily change your mind about the whole thing. i just don't want to have NC with you. does this make sense? or do you think it'll be too much for you? we can manage our separate lives while keeping in touch...i will reconsider giving us another chance in the meantime & you are free to do what you wish (be it school, work, dating, etc). this might be the longest email i've sent in a long time...i'm going to leave my laptop at school this weekend (need to finish up my grad apps and work on my personal statement), so you can think about it for a couple days okay? until then, xxxxxx"
Von Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Why on earth would you be willing to fall for that crap. It's as plain as day that she wants to keep you around for her own selfish reasons and none of it has to do with you or how you feel. She practically just told you she wants to use your ass and "maybe" she'll consider getting back with you. What the heck man. That's some bull**** right there. Do the opposite of what she wants. Go NC for good bud.
PowerOfOne Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Why on earth would you be willing to fall for that crap. It's as plain as day that she wants to keep you around for her own selfish reasons and none of it has to do with you or how you feel. She practically just told you she wants to use your ass and "maybe" she'll consider getting back with you. What the heck man. That's some bull**** right there. Do the opposite of what she wants. Go NC for good bud. Couldn't have put it any better. She doesn't know if she wants to be with you now, that will not change anytime soon. Even if you were to get back tomorrow. Would you seriously want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't know for sure it's what she wanted? Hell no you wouldn't. You think you're anxious now? Think about being in a relationship! The absolute best thing you can do it stand up for what you want. Don't settle for friendship if it's not what you want. Being friendzoned will not get her back. Tell her you don't want to be just friends with her and go complete NC. Disappear from her life. Be careful though. She might come back in a week or two and say she does want to be with you. Take that with a grain of salt... be very cautious.
Author 500daysofsummer Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 yeah i think you guys are right. but i don't know if i can go completely NC. i think she will take it the wrong way. what about going limited contact. and just respond to her and keep it short if she contacts?
Colorless Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 (edited) You have one chance. Tell her it's too hard to be in contact like this. Then say you want to give it another shot to prove you have changed, and you'll spend your days proving you are different. Then tell her to contact you when she wants to give it a shot too. Then go 100% NC. Period. It's not what you do now, it's what you don't do. Edited January 15, 2011 by Colorless
PowerOfOne Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 That's up to you I guess. I don't know if I'd ever totally ignore my ex's calls or texts. She never cheated on my or anything. She just had a seperate path. But I would make it very hard to get in contact with me. Think of it as a filter. You don't want her thinking she can call you for a friendly chat whenever she wants. The only contact I want to have with her is the call that she 'made the biggest mistake of her life'. Haha! If she really wanted to tell me that, a couple of unreturned phone calls shouldn't stop her!
Mrlonelyone Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 You have one chance. Tell her it's too hard to be in contact like this. Then say you want to give it another shot to prove you have changed, and you'll spend your days proving you are different. Then tell her to contact you when she wants to give it a shot too. Then go 100% NC. Period. It's not what you do now, it's what you don't do. Agreed. Tell her that when she makes up her mind she can give you a call. Then proceed as if you were broken up. Mourn then move on. IF you are free when she calls you good. If not then she will have learned a life lesson.
cboy90 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 If you really wanted her back, the best thing to do is NC. BUT, she is always going to remember the fact of what you did to her (cheated). Whether that be 20yrs down the road or 40yrs, she will always remember what you did to her. So if you do get back together, you'll both have to figure out a way to work past it (ultimately it's up to her). Think of this: To figure out what someone is going to do today or tomorrow is often reflected upon what they did yesterday. So if she forgives/forgets what has happened, you need to be able to show her that it WON'T happen again. Anyways, start NC.
Von Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 yeah i think you guys are right. but i don't know if i can go completely NC. i think she will take it the wrong way. what about going limited contact. and just respond to her and keep it short if she contacts? Dude cmon. You've been broken up a year and haven't got back together yet? What does that tell you? Hey I thought the same thing you did. Everybody told me to go NC and I couldn't bring myself to do it out of FEAR of losing her. Or that shed take it wrong. And boy was I WRONG. They dump you because they don't want to be with you anymore. They lie about why. Then they use you to get over you. Do you think they breakup with you temporarily? Lol. Is it some kinda of sick joke? NO. She doesnt want you anymore. She is no longer attracted to you. She is probably attracted to someone else. Thats how it is. And if you stick around afterwards? They will use you as a doormat. Thats is if you make yourself avail to them by responding. NC has imeasurable benefits for you, you just need to realize it and follow it. I hope my starkness helps you see the truth.
FreeToBe Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 yeah i think you guys are right. but i don't know if i can go completely NC. i think she will take it the wrong way. what about going limited contact. and just respond to her and keep it short if she contacts? If you are afraid of losing her because of NC, you are making a mistake. You will most certainly lose her as she chips away at you. In time, she will surely lose any remaining respect for you, knowing full-well you will stand by her to the end no matter what. Your penance has been paid my friend. You do not need to have her cast a shadow of guilt over you forever because of your mistake. Humans are fallible; we make mistakes. Love has the power to overcome those mistakes when TWO people are willing to repair the damage done. She is telling you she is not willing to play an active role in repairing your love. Your relationship cannot be repaired without her active participation. Walk away silently. NO contact whatsoever... You will never get her back going down the path she is leading.
spiderowl Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Given the history, i.e. that you cheated on her initially, I think she's saying that she still has feelings for you despite all this. She knows you hurt her badly and that this pain will never go, even if it fades a little. She knows you could do it again and that you probably can't be reformed, but she still wants you despite herself. She's mulled it over and over and come to the conclusion that if she could still have you around, maybe trust could be rebuilt and if she really feels then that you regret what you did and would be committed now, maybe ... just maybe, there's a possibility of you both coming back together again. I think she cares a lot for you and wants you both to be within sight/reach of each other so she can suss you out to see if you really have changed. I presume at some point that you told her you were sorry and did regret cheating on her? In my opinion, she's giving you a chance to rebuild trust but she's making no promises and wants to keep you at arm's length as a friend while this happens. She understandably wary of taking any sort of chance on you.
FreeToBe Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Only when she clearly communicates to you that she wants to work on your relationship should you return to contact with her.
Author 500daysofsummer Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 thanks for all the responses, every single one of them. i think i will go strictly NC as of right now. at what point can i respond to her again? when she starts to get desperate for my attention? i'm not sure that she will flat out say verbatim that she wants to pursue a relationship. i think she's the type to start out slow. i don't want to NC her until she disappears.i just want to NC her to get her to commit to us again. will she start to get desperate?
Author 500daysofsummer Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 Only when she clearly communicates to you that she wants to work on your relationship should you return to contact with her. do you think a girl will flat out say it in those words? are there any other indicators? or should i strictly wait for her to mention relationship talk with me?
cboy90 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 do you think a girl will flat out say it in those words? are there any other indicators? or should i strictly wait for her to mention relationship talk with me? Wait for her to mention it. Do not contact her at all! When she wants it, she will tell you. But, at the same time, some people can't even suck up the pride/courage/balls to come out and say it directly. They constantly beat around the bush, pegging at stuff and hoping you get the hint and YOU ask them. In my mind, that person isn't even mature enough to be with you. If they can't come out and say it directly, you deserve better.
FreeToBe Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 She will avoid saying anything remotely close to indicating that she wants to work things out... She will try everything else to avoid saying anything direct. When all of those attempts fall flat, her only option will be direct. In your situation, I would do this: Let her know (again) that you made a mistake and are sorry for hurting her and destroying her trust in you. Let her know that being her friend is not sufficient for you (and that you understand her fear of getting hurt by you again). Then, let her know you will have no contact with her going forward. Be sure to communicate that you want a relationship with her and that if she would be willing to work on rebuilding that relationship with you, then she should contact you. I understand your fear here... You need to think of yourself too. How much longer can you go on as you have in limbo with her? Be willing to accept that she may never contact you again. It's a scary reality to face, but you are all out of options my friend. Good luck.
spiderowl Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 (edited) I don't think she will tell you she wants to try again. Why should she? You were the one who cheated on her. She's pretty much said she wants you back in her life and doesn't expect you to be monogamous "while I think about whether or not we should give it another try". She's giving you a chance to be around while she works out whether she can trust you again or not. It now depends on whether you want to take that chance. If she said she wanted to give it another try, that wouldn't accurately reflect her feelings of doubt that you could reform and be faithful in future. She is offering a bridge, but not forgiveness and absolution. You would have to earn your place back in her heart. In her position, I'd be exactly the same, expecting you to prove you could be a mature guy. This is probation. You've hurt her badly - why would you expect more? Edit: actually I agree with FreeToBe that you should make it clear you do want a relationship with her and that you are sorry for the hurt you've caused. It's a fair point that there's no point hanging around as a friend if that's not understood from the start. Edited January 15, 2011 by spiderowl
Banker Chick Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I don't think she will tell you she wants to try again. Why should she? You were the one who cheated on her. She's pretty much said she wants you back in her life and doesn't expect you to be monogamous "while I think about whether or not we should give it another try". She's giving you a chance to be around while she works out whether she can trust you again or not. It now depends on whether you want to take that chance. Edit: actually I agree with FreeToBe that you should make it clear you do want a relationship with her and that you are sorry for the hurt you've caused. It's a fair point that there's no point hanging around as a friend if that's not understood from the start. Agree. I don't know your whole story but I guess I'm confused as to why if you cheated on her you're taking a hard ass stance and expecting her to lay her feelings out there and be back in a relationship with you. I realize it's been a year and 1/2 but it still seems like she should be allowed to be hesitant. Like SpiderOwl said, it's now up to you whether you are willing to take a chance.
LifeIsGreat Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I don't think she will tell you she wants to try again. Why should she? You were the one who cheated on her. She's pretty much said she wants you back in her life and doesn't expect you to be monogamous "while I think about whether or not we should give it another try". She's giving you a chance to be around while she works out whether she can trust you again or not. It now depends on whether you want to take that chance. If she said she wanted to give it another try, that wouldn't accurately reflect her feelings of doubt that you could reform and be faithful in future. She is offering a bridge, but not forgiveness and absolution. You would have to earn your place back in her heart. In her position, I'd be exactly the same, expecting you to prove you could be a mature guy. This is probation. You've hurt her badly - why would you expect more? Edit: actually I agree with FreeToBe that you should make it clear you do want a relationship with her and that you are sorry for the hurt you've caused. It's a fair point that there's no point hanging around as a friend if that's not understood from the start. I agree, and feel that in a situation where YOU were the reason for the break up most of the work falls on YOU if you're gonna get back together. You screwed up (it happens), so you have to decide if you're willing to take the risk of being 'friends' while you potentially move back into a romance. If it were me...... if after a year I still felt like this was the woman for me, I would man up/suck it up and take the risk of winning her back.
FreeheartLover Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I broke up with my ex for cheating on me, and I initiated the NC. After a year we became friends on fb again and emailed/chatted every now and then...and all of a sudden he got all "we're gonna get back together" on me. NO way! I was so confused and vulnerable though, because I was in love with him, that I got my hopes up for a milisecond. Then I remembered what a selfish prick he was, and decided to keep him at bay. I suggest you not hold your breath for this girl.
Author 500daysofsummer Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 (edited) Agree. I don't know your whole story but I guess I'm confused as to why if you cheated on her you're taking a hard ass stance and expecting her to lay her feelings out there and be back in a relationship with you. I realize it's been a year and 1/2 but it still seems like she should be allowed to be hesitant. Like SpiderOwl said, it's now up to you whether you are willing to take a chance. i'm taking a hardball stance because for a year and a half, i ALWAYS broke NC and came back begging like a b****. wrote her a poem, bought her ****. basically acted like a desperate fool. it was the wrong thing to do. i believe that if i NCed her from a long time ago i would have progressed much further by now. she clearly stated to me that she still has feelings for me despite me still being in contact. the longest we've been in NC was two weeks and i broke it. you guys are right, i DON'T deserve a second chance. but i can't convince her to give me one. and if a relationship happens i don't want to feel like she owes me it. i want her to reach the stage where she realizes for herself that she wants to get back with me. i don't want to be any part of that. she needs to realize that on her own. i just need her to come back to me right now. i feel that NC right now is the best thing i can do. sometimes a guy just has to play hardball to get a girl to wake up! im not holding my breath for her. i really want her back, but i'm slowly moving to the acceptance stage. im gonna work harder on DOING ME. Edited January 15, 2011 by 500daysofsummer
Hhhh Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 are the first few posters ****ing retards? he cheated on her if she is open to communication then she should talk to her this is different from every other situation. Strict NC will not help you on this one you need to keep in touch and show her you have changed she obviously still loves you
Author 500daysofsummer Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 are all of you ****ing retards? he cheated on her if she is open to communication then she should talk to her this is different from every other situation. Strict NC will not help you on this one you need to keep in touch and show her you have changed she obviously still loves you Other posters are just bitter yeah i know man. but we've been in touch for a year and a half, this whole time i kept saying how sorry i am, how much i love her. i acted like a complete douche. and i think in this case it's time to bust the houdini disappearing act and let it sink in for her. right now she's in a neutral state of mind. and i think NC will either bring her closer or push her away and that's what we both need right now. it's been too long and it's time to man up on my part.
PowerOfOne Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 are the first few posters ****ing retards? he cheated on her if she is open to communication then she should talk to her this is different from every other situation. Strict NC will not help you on this one you need to keep in touch and show her you have changed she obviously still loves you I resent that. To be fair, the advice still stands. Yes he cheated on her, but he's made the effort to reconcile quite obvious. If she is still confused then no amount of convicing will change that. The only thing you can do is let her make that decision. Being in her face about it everyday is not going to help. OP - She and only she can make that decision. You can't convince someone to be with you. And if you could would you really want to? If she is going to come back in a healthy state of mind then you have to give her time to get there. You've made it very clear what you want. It is entirely up to her as to if there is a chance for a relationship to work. I'm sorry, but the ball is really in her court now.
spiderowl Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I see what you mean about you having tried your best over a period of time to say you were sorry and want her back. She has a right to feel hurt about you did. She may feel she can't trust you - no doubt she's heard the saying 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. What goes on in someone's mind when their partner who cheated tries to get back with them? I'd be guessing really as I'd never have a partner back who cheated. I think with some women that you would have zero chance no matter how much you regretted it. But let's assume she loves you a lot and does want you back but doesn't feel she can trust you. What does she do? Firstly, she'll cut you off and go and grieve. Her relationship has gone and she's angry and hurt. She'd push you away and try to make you feel how much she was hurt. If you keep expressing regret and trying to get her back, she may want that but still not trust you. She would want the contact and the regret, if she loved you, but will not be able to trust you. Trust is the absolute key here. She knows she can cut you off for ever, but if she still cares that is not a solution. The only option is to watch you from a reasonable distance for a period of time to see how you conduct yourself. To see if you've really changed. I suspect this is what she's doing. You could go along with this or you could do what you've suggested and man up. Let her know that you have changed, you love her and want to be with her, but at some point she needs to take a leap of faith and just be with you. You could tell her you don't want any fluffy gaining trust period as it would feel wrong to you and you want to be close to her not remote. She will then have a choice. This is essentially a confrontation though and if she says no, you are out on a limb and may have to give up altogether. Only you can decide whether it's worth the risk. I do think she cares about you but can't convince herself that it's worth the risk to her heart to let you back in again. She doesn't want to lose you from her life but the consequences of not giving you a chance are that she might. When I've been in situations where I cannot trust a guy's behaviour and he's asking me to take the risk, I've said no. I've felt the loss, but on the other hand, do I really need all that drama?
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