itteloc Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 My girlfriend and I were on facebook last night as we were putting up some new photos onher page and its her birthday today. Her boss sent her a private message wishing her a happy birthday. So she opens it in front of me and we read it and its pretty basic and in it he goes "I've watch you grow into a beautiful young lady." The red flag to me was he closed off the message with "143" which as we all know means I love u. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it beause its her bday today and I def don't want to ruin it for her. But this is eating me inside. She saw I was uncomfortable and a She said there is nothing between them and she was like do u want me to ask him what he means by that. And I said no let's go to sleep. This is eating me alive especially since I planned a nice day today. What do I do?
denise_xo Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Well, that's very inappropriate and unprofessional. If a male boss took that tone with me, I'd consider reporting him. Does your girlfriend think it's 'normal'?
ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 her reaction is common. there very well may be nothing going on here, and I would encourage you to believe her. I'm dating a young woman, and we work for the same company. she mentioned being propositioned (subtlely) by her bosses boss, the department VP, and she refused all verbal advances. she did not report it & I doubt she will. your gf may be different. reporting is certainly the nobel thing to do, however, depending on the company, there may be negative consequences your gf may have to endure. it's just the way it is -- usually. I'd say get some quick legal advice, understand the most likely impact that reporting could mean to her day-to-day work experience and pull the trigger if she can stand the heat. she should minimally reply back letting him know he's out of line; but I would still encourage her to get informed and do something if boss man persists. good luck to your gf.
Author itteloc Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Well, that's very inappropriate and unprofessional. If a male boss took that tone with me, I'd consider reporting him. Does your girlfriend think it's 'normal'? She didn't act like it was normal and said do you want me 2 ask him what he means by this...but because it was so late and its her bday today I chose to say let's just go to sleep..but she could tell it was still bothering me this morning I think...I don't want to ruin her bday but I feel really confused
denise_xo Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Well, I guess the important thing would be for your to support her. I'm writing on the assumption here that she is not in any fault. In that case, she may need your support in figuring out how to deal with it. As CG said, it's often a delicate and complex situation to deal with when that kind of thing happens at a work place. Age and experience also matters. I don't know how old your gf is, but it's easier to stand up to bullshi+ when you're older and more experienced than when you're in your early twenties. The devil is often in the detail in terms of going about it in a strategic manner. I second what CG outlined above.
Author itteloc Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Well, that's very inappropriate and unprofessional. If a male boss took that tone with me, I'd consider reporting him. Does your girlfriend think it's 'normal'? Well, I guess the important thing would be for your to support her. I'm writing on the assumption here that she is not in any fault. In that case, she may need your support in figuring out how to deal with it. As CG said, it's often a delicate and complex situation to deal with when that kind of thing happens at a work place. Age and experience also matters. I don't know how old your gf is, but it's easier to stand up to bullshi+ when you're older and more experienced than when you're in your early twenties. The devil is often in the detail in terms of going about it in a strategic manner. I second what CG outlined above. She is 30 years old. She didn't seem angry insulted or bothered by it to be honest maybbe confused slightly. She was just like there is nothing between us and I don't know what he means by this. The guy is married with kids which makes it even more awkward.
Jazzari Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Code or no code, telling someone you love them is a big deal. And "Watching you grow into a beautiful young lady" is kinda creepy. How long has he known her?
carhill Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 (edited) I didn't want to make a big deal out of it because its her bday today and I def don't want to ruin it for her.Sounds healthy. 'How do you feel about that?' Listen. Accept. Move on to the rest of the day. She didn't seem angry insulted or bothered by it to be honest maybe confused slightly.Good. Leave it at that and share with her that you're there to listen and support. The guy is married with kids which makes it even more awkward. Yes, and imagine how awkward it will be for him if his wife gets a copy of that message. Life can be hard or it can be easy Edited January 14, 2011 by carhill
Jazzari Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 So<snip> Yes, and imagine how awkward it will be for him if his wife gets a copy of that message. Life can be hard or it can be easy Ahahahaha! You are my new hero!
Author itteloc Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Code or no code, telling someone you love them is a big deal. And "Watching you grow into a beautiful young lady" is kinda creepy. How long has he known her? They've known each other about 5 years. So before I was in the picture
carhill Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 OP, does your GF know his family? I ask because my friends make it a point to get to know their employee's families, usually via company social functions they sponsor. Their wives actively participate. My best friend's wife hands out bonuses at his company's get-togethers, usually for around 50-70 people. He hugs wives, children, pets, etc. Everyone knows everyone and there's no ambiguity. How does that go for her?
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 They've known each other about 5 years. So before I was in the picture Have they had a relationship previously? I don't see most guys sending that kind of message without some type of encouragement from the woman's end. It happens for sure... but it's fairly rare, especially among educated professionals.
Author itteloc Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 OP, does your GF know his family? I ask because my friends make it a point to get to know their employee's families, usually via company social functions they sponsor. Their wives actively participate. My best friend's wife hands out bonuses at his company's get-togethers, usually for around 50-70 people. He hugs wives, children, pets, etc. Everyone knows everyone and there's no ambiguity. How does that go for her? Its a big corporation and I don't think my gf knows his family...just knows of them
Author itteloc Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Have they had a relationship previously? I don't see most guys sending that kind of message without some type of encouragement from the woman's end. It happens for sure... but it's fairly rare, especially among educated professionals. No they never had a relationship.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Its a big corporation and I don't think my gf knows his family...just knows of them Check her phone records for the last year and see if they have had much contact. This just doesn't add up to me. Her reaction shouldn't be confused it should be anger. Confused makes me feel like she is covering something up. What do you think?
carhill Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 OP, I'm neutral here. I've seen things from both sides. You said he messaged her via Facebook. Are they FB 'friends'? Are a lot of the boss's subordinates FB friends? How does that go? Has he ever used the company e-mail system to contact her about non-official topics? If so, what were they? Your GF has no control over her boss's actions, merely her response to them. One response was to open a PM from him via FB in front of you. Let's go with that. Is her career in this big corporation critical to her future?
Author itteloc Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 OP, I'm neutral here. I've seen things from both sides. You said he messaged her via Facebook. Are they FB 'friends'? Are a lot of the boss's subordinates FB friends? How does that go? Has he ever used the company e-mail system to contact her about non-official topics? If so, what were they? Your GF has no control over her boss's actions, merely her response to them. One response was to open a PM from him via FB in front of you. Let's go with that. Is her career in this big corporation critical to her future? They are fb "friends" but I'm sure if any of his other subordinates are on his page and I don't have access to her email so I don't know if he uses company email to contact her about non official things. Her career is pretty critical to her. She is already a manager and he is a district manager. She's wishes to move up the ladder within company from what she tells me.
carhill Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 (edited) OK, give some thought to the questions I asked and how answers to them might assist your and her process. Collect information. Knowledge is power. Good luck ETA are you and your ex from last year still in contact? Edited January 14, 2011 by carhill
ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 OK, give some thought to the questions I asked and how answers to them might assist your and her process. Collect information. Knowledge is power. Good luck I disagree. there is no issue here... if you trust her, do nothing overt. just look for behavioral pattern shifts. if you've been cheated on before (& learned anything from it), you'll know the signs. even if you haven't and you're remotely observant you'll notice change. when/if that day comes my tune'll change. there's no cause for alarm. plus, you're her bf, not husband. you're dating her to size her up, to make a decision as to whether or not she's wife material and to see if you two match. well, do that. observe away. matter of fact, getting a sneak preview of this type of situation (& how she choses to handle it) before marriage is excellent. merely observe & take notes. don't like what you see? then leave her. it's really that simple. if she has earned your trust thus far, then chill out & trust her (but watch for changes).
carhill Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Sounds like we agree. Any particular points you disagree with? My focus is on the team (your and her).
2sunny Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 the fact that he sent it through her fb page by message says he's sneaky - trying to leave no trail... i doubt it's the first time he's contacted this way.
carhill Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 the fact that he sent it through her fb page by message says he's sneaky - trying to leave no trail... i doubt it's the first time he's contacted this way. Good question. OP, has your GF ever made mention of her boss contacting her via FB, even if you never saw the actual message? They've been working together for some time, yes? More information. Remember, focus on the team (you and her). OP, how old are you and your GF? Also, so I'm clear, are the two ex'es in your immediate past out of your life now? I read that you had some issues with them prior to meeting this new gal.
fishtaco Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 So far your girlfriend hasn't done anything wrong. If there was something going on, I doubt she'll open up her private msg inbox right in front of you. The boss is the one that may be in the wrong. But he's the boss. There will be repercussions if your GF doesn't play ball. That' show the world works, like it or not. If he crosses the line, she could report to HR, if it gets bad enough she could file a lawsuit. But know that once the lawsuit has been filed, there WILL be a negative impact to her future employability. Silently quit and get a new job sometimes could be a better alternative. It sucks, but that's how it is. Welcome to the corporate world. The more you get paid, the less work you do, and the more you can abuse your position of power, and get away with it. Educated professionals make the worst criminals. Because they are smart and educated. Our education system doesn't teach morals, and the corporate culture certainly doesn't promote morals (in fact, quite the opposite). Assuming your girlfriend is a genuinely good person, then I'd say she's just putting up with his advances because she wants to keep her job, and it hasn't gotten out of hand yet, so she could still just ignore it and pretend he's just a friendly boss and nothing more. But no one knows what your girlfriend is thinking. Is she the type that is willing to "climb the corporate ladder"? Don't know. Being her boyfriend you probably know her better than any of us. From your post, I say she has done nothing wrong.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Sounds like we agree. Any particular points you disagree with? My focus is on the team (your and her). good catch, Car. I was disagreeing with Untiuchable Fire. you & I are on the same page. erie how similar. maybe we ate the same corn flakes this am.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 I disagree. there is no issue here... if you trust her, do nothing overt. just look for behavioral pattern shifts. if you've been cheated on before (& learned anything from it), you'll know the signs. even if you haven't and you're remotely observant you'll notice change. when/if that day comes my tune'll change. there's no cause for alarm. plus, you're her bf, not husband. you're dating her to size her up, to make a decision as to whether or not she's wife material and to see if you two match. well, do that. observe away. matter of fact, getting a sneak preview of this type of situation (& how she choses to handle it) before marriage is excellent. merely observe & take notes. don't like what you see? then leave her. it's really that simple. if she has earned your trust thus far, then chill out & trust her (but watch for changes). That is pretty much what I was saying. Start doing some detective work... don't do anything huge. My suggestion was for a keylogger on the primary computer to gather passwords, and to gain access to her cellphone records if possible. Also that her actions don't entirely fit the situation. That may alter depending on her personality type... but she sounds like someone who should be more upset than confused.
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