myname Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 I'm hurting again, just got off the phone and wish I could leave work with the pretence of a headache or something, cos I just want to go home and cry. Tried to finish things ages ago with MM, many times, posted on here but kept allowing the affair to continue. Then he moved out of his marital home, staying with friend's and visiting me and staying some nights with me, he was a bit messy and feeling insecure and had had no contact with his wife so went back home yesterday to find out how things stand, wether he can stay in the home he's still paying for etc. So today I get told he can stay there, sleeping on the sofa, but she's decided their marriage is over now. This was the first thing that bugged me, as it shows it's only over if it's her decision for it to be over and that isn't what he wants. And the likelihood is that over the weekend there will be further discussion and nothing is actually over. But the thing that hurt me most was he was saying that he needs to sort himself out, blah blah, work out who he is, what he wants etc like I've been encouraging him for so long and then he said it wasn't that he was lying to me when he kissed me and made love to me but he didn't know what it meant, or what it meant he wanted or if it was just some schizophrenic behaviour... Hearing that I just wanted to be sick.
OpenBook Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 You're at work - shut off those emotions! You can deal with them later after you get home. You are the same fabulous girl now that you were before... and perfectly capable of performing your job duties. Concentrate on that for the moment. The rest can wait.
greengoddess Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 married men unfortunately want what they can not have. He was married so could not have you so he persued and loved you. Now that he can have you and only you he wants his wife, who he can no longer have. married men are truly screwed up.
TigerCub Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 that he was lying to me when he kissed me and made love to me but he didn't know what it meant, or what it meant he wanted or if it was just some schizophrenic behaviour... Hearing that I just wanted to be sick. WOW! I can so understand why you're in so much pain right now myName. I'm really sorry. He completely took away any value you might have seen in the R you had with him. He's a jerk who is never appreciative of what he has, and that's why he keeps the back and forth going. You need to be the stronger one and just walk away, because just like he's shown you that he wont leave his M until his W makes that decision, he wont be leaving this A until you decide that its over. You deserve so much better than some loser that pretty much wants to claim insanity for what happened between you two. what an ass!! Honestly hun, it hurts when you're trying to leave (I know from experience), but it is sooooooooooooo much better when you're finally out. When I was in the middle of the mess with my xMM, I used to cry ALL the time. I was so emotional, so unhappy, so guilt ridden, and now I haven't cried since its been done. Getting out is hard, but its so much healthier in the long run. ***HUGS***
Author myname Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 (edited) WOW! I can so understand why you're in so much pain right now myName. I'm really sorry. He completely took away any value you might have seen in the R you had with him. He's a jerk who is never appreciative of what he has, and that's why he keeps the back and forth going. You need to be the stronger one and just walk away, because just like he's shown you that he wont leave his M until his W makes that decision, he wont be leaving this A until you decide that its over. You deserve so much better than some loser that pretty much wants to claim insanity for what happened between you two. what an ass!! Honestly hun, it hurts when you're trying to leave (I know from experience), but it is sooooooooooooo much better when you're finally out. When I was in the middle of the mess with my xMM, I used to cry ALL the time. I was so emotional, so unhappy, so guilt ridden, and now I haven't cried since its been done. Getting out is hard, but its so much healthier in the long run. ***HUGS*** bolded is so true, that's exactly how I felt, like everything I had trusted in at least being sincere and true and of value, regardless of the mess up of the rest, has now also been torn down, tarnished and shown to be a bunch of nothing. Made me feel like rubbish, used and diminished. and, yes, it's obvious, he doesn't appreciate what he has, had, not ever, not with his wife, not with me, nothing's good enough. Thanks for the hugs, I need them now, feeling very low, lonely, stupid and used. Edited January 14, 2011 by myname
jthorne Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Ick. Forget about the MM, who cares about him. OP needs to figure out why she tolerates this kind of ****ty treatment, IMO.
Author myname Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Ick. Forget about the MM, who cares about him. OP needs to figure out why she tolerates this kind of ****ty treatment, IMO. I'm thinking I tolerate this cos I don't value myself highly enough, don't have a good opinion of myself or think I'm worth more. Now I feel like a totally broken human being. Oh, I've got absent father issues too.
greengoddess Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 I'm thinking I tolerate this cos I don't value myself highly enough, don't have a good opinion of myself or think I'm worth more. Now I feel like a totally broken human being. Oh, I've got absent father issues too. If you are serious and do believe this and are not just being sarcastic then this is the first step to getting help and realizing how much value you do have,
Author myname Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 If you are serious and do believe this and are not just being sarcastic then this is the first step to getting help and realizing how much value you do have, I am totally serious, not being sarcastic at all, I feel very low and there's a core feeling in me of not being good enough and needing to have validation from other people to feel that I am worth anything. I've done therapy, anti depressants etc in the past, there's no getting over certain things in your past and I feel like my childhood has left me with these issues and they will always be with me although I hope I can find better ways to cope with them they are part of me.
seren Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 I am totally serious, not being sarcastic at all, I feel very low and there's a core feeling in me of not being good enough and needing to have validation from other people to feel that I am worth anything. I've done therapy, anti depressants etc in the past, there's no getting over certain things in your past and I feel like my childhood has left me with these issues and they will always be with me although I hope I can find better ways to cope with them they are part of me. MyName, I promise that you can get over just about anything, in time and with help and support. The experiences never leave you, but you can be supported to find the strength to control the effect past experiences have on you and your behaviour. Without sharing TMI so as to not T/J your thread, I have walked some very dark paths from a very early age, I too looked for validation with others, before I sorted things out. Problem was, the places and people I looked to for validation just added to my feelings of lack of self esteem, self worth and, to be honest, my loathing of me. When someone comes along and makes you (general you) feel that you are all that, it is like a balm to the soul. Problem is, if they are not sincere, the rejection adds to the already crappy feelings ... and so it goes on. People pleasing is also a form of validation, it can result in people just being who they think the other person wants them to be. There comes a time when you will be able to work through the events and feelings and properly deal with them, see them for what they were and file them away until you want and choose to look at them. In this way you stop becoming the victim of others and start to become a survivor. As someone said, forget about the MM. Concentrate on you, try to find support for you to explore how you feel about you. Women's support centres are excellent for this, no one judges you, no one blames you - no one could possibly judge you anymore than you are judging yourself, and I suspect you are doing so and not liking how you perceive yourself to be. It can be done, I proper promise you xx Try and get some support, soon. I hope that one day you can learn to love yourself, realise that you deserve more and find someone who is free to give that to you. Take very good care Seren x If you want to discuss further, please feel free to PM me.
jwi71 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Honestly, at this point, its YOUR fault. After how many D-days again? How many times moved out then back home? HOW MANY MORE? He has shown, in perfectly observable, undeniable and repeatedly where his loyalties lie. YOUR pain begins when YOU decide. And, as of now, you have DECIDED to continue this what, two years is it now, A where you get trampled. Over and over and over again. I've lost count how many times he's done this to you. At this point, you shoulder the blame and NOT him...he has shown his true colors and you keep letting him back in. Block him. All avenues. Email, IM, phone. All of it. Then IC and pronto. And I meant what I said. When you repeatedly touch the hot stove and get burned, it ain't the stove's fault.
Author myname Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Honestly, at this point, its YOUR fault. After how many D-days again? How many times moved out then back home? HOW MANY MORE? He has shown, in perfectly observable, undeniable and repeatedly where his loyalties lie. YOUR pain begins when YOU decide. And, as of now, you have DECIDED to continue this what, two years is it now, A where you get trampled. Over and over and over again. I've lost count how many times he's done this to you. At this point, you shoulder the blame and NOT him...he has shown his true colors and you keep letting him back in. Block him. All avenues. Email, IM, phone. All of it. Then IC and pronto. And I meant what I said. When you repeatedly touch the hot stove and get burned, it ain't the stove's fault. well that doesn't make me feel better about myself Just stupid and even more broken. I think I know that in a way you're trying to say I can choose to stop getting hurt by this, that's all I can take that's helpful. the hot stove analogy isn't quite working though cos a hot stove is an inanimate object, it doesn't insist to you that it's not hot, would never burn you, or ask for your help and understanding.
Author myname Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 MyName, I promise that you can get over just about anything, in time and with help and support. The experiences never leave you, but you can be supported to find the strength to control the effect past experiences have on you and your behaviour. Without sharing TMI so as to not T/J your thread, I have walked some very dark paths from a very early age, I too looked for validation with others, before I sorted things out. Problem was, the places and people I looked to for validation just added to my feelings of lack of self esteem, self worth and, to be honest, my loathing of me. When someone comes along and makes you (general you) feel that you are all that, it is like a balm to the soul. Problem is, if they are not sincere, the rejection adds to the already crappy feelings ... and so it goes on. People pleasing is also a form of validation, it can result in people just being who they think the other person wants them to be. There comes a time when you will be able to work through the events and feelings and properly deal with them, see them for what they were and file them away until you want and choose to look at them. In this way you stop becoming the victim of others and start to become a survivor. As someone said, forget about the MM. Concentrate on you, try to find support for you to explore how you feel about you. Women's support centres are excellent for this, no one judges you, no one blames you - no one could possibly judge you anymore than you are judging yourself, and I suspect you are doing so and not liking how you perceive yourself to be. It can be done, I proper promise you xx Try and get some support, soon. I hope that one day you can learn to love yourself, realise that you deserve more and find someone who is free to give that to you. Take very good care Seren x If you want to discuss further, please feel free to PM me. thank you, what you've said here makes a lot of sense to me and helps me feel some hope for my future. I very much struggle with wanting to please people and be approved of and the way he made me feel accepted and understood was very intoxicating, it hurts to think it was all made up, like you said, it reinforces all the bad feelings about myself.
fooled once Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Seren and jwl are both right. You can over come anything; if you want to. No one had a rosy childhood. No one grew up in the perfect home. Why do people think that is what a "good childhood" entails? Like Seren, I have some things in my childhood that are horrific; in addition to those things, my first sexual experience was rape. In addition to that, I have dealt with 2 miscarriages (both wanted pregnancies) and dealt with physical abuse. But ya know what? I refuse to be a victim. You can remain a victim for the rest of you life, bemoaning the fact that life hasn't been all roses and sunshine for you. Or you can quit laying down and taking the crap you are given and say ENOUGH. The choice is yours. Why you continue to believe this dude who has lied and cheated and disrespected you so much. You continue to let him play this cruel game with you. He isn't forcing you to believe him; he isn't forcing you to continue to have an affair with him. He is showing you AND telling you that you are not important to him. That you are an option, not a priority. Please don't blame your childhood and daddy issues on this. You know what you are doing. You are making the choice to continue to believe him when he is decent to you; but you forget that he isn't decent to you too. So own your choices. Own that you aren't ready to let go of him and that you are going to continue to accept scraps. No one is trying to hurt you; we want you to see that YOU have the power and yet at the same time, you state HE has the power to end his marriage and he isn't. If you can't accept the flip-flopping, the going back to his wife, and all the indecision, then WALK AWAY. Yes it will hurt, but would it hurt any more to continue to ride this rollercoaster with him?
siuys Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 myname, hugs to you... you are giving away your power. you are letting him determine your happiness. i suggest you see a therapist and get your hands on 'Six Pillars of Self Esteem' by Nathaniel Branden. It's time to focus on yourself, regardless of what MM does or does not do. He is a mess. What does it tell you about yourself when you are looking for validation from a messed up person? All the best.
pureinheart Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 You're at work - shut off those emotions! You can deal with them later after you get home. You are the same fabulous girl now that you were before... and perfectly capable of performing your job duties. Concentrate on that for the moment. The rest can wait. I remember the drama at work (there was a time we worked together)...the times that I was unable to function, in fact all of the times I was unable to function...oh hell no... OP, I am so sorry about what happened...and I agree with siuys completely...try not to ever let anyone determine YOUR future! (((((((((hugs)))))))))
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