LifeIsGreat Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I have mostly posted in the break up forum, but am trying to learn from my mistakes. What are your thoughts on the potential with a woman who has thrown up some of these red and orange flags.... Married 5 times by her mid 30's? Had spent time as a teen in a mental ward? Sexually assaulted at 17? Says that in prior relationships all she did was 'show up'? (didn't really put work into it) Confesses that she 'tests' guys shes dating? Has issues with anxiety and takes an anti-depressant? Her grown daughter thought I treated her well so told her mom 'don't f this one up'? Confesses that she has issues with communication, and when I would try to communicate she would become extremely irrational? Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I have mostly posted in the break up forum, but am trying to learn from my mistakes. What are your thoughts on the potential with a woman who has thrown up some of these red and orange flags.... Married 5 times by her mid 30's? - RED Had spent time as a teen in a mental ward? - RED Sexually assaulted at 17? Says that in prior relationships all she did was 'show up'? (didn't really put work into it) - RED Confesses that she 'tests' guys shes dating? - RED Has issues with anxiety and takes an anti-depressant? - RED Her grown daughter thought I treated her well so told her mom 'don't f this one up'? - RED Confesses that she has issues with communication, and when I would try to communicate she would become extremely irrational? - RED she is a headcase Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 (edited) Hey LIG.. more importantly.. what do you think of her and what she has been thru ? It's hard to tell what someone went thru as a teen and how they are affected by it today on an internet forum.. Almost 24 years ago I was a drunk.. today.. sober as can be but if I told you some of the things I did while drunk I can assure you you would think they were red flags. Of all the things that you posted only one sticks out to be as a true red flag.. and that would be married 5 times.. but then have you asked her why ? maybe 4 of those marriages the guys she married were just shiot and were horrible to her.. then I would say her people picker is off... I think your relationship with her today is what you should concern yourself with since you can't hold against her what she went thru as a teen.. You have no idea what she has already worked thru and placed. By the way....many many people are on Anti-D's.. that in itself isn't a red flag unless they are still depressed or having symptoms of the meds not working. What red flags show up in your relationship with her.. By the way.. this one.. might be a orange flag.. Confesses that she has issues with communication, and when I would try to communicate she would become extremely irrational? But taken in the context of all the other things.. are you speaking to her while discussing her sexual assault or divorces then it might not be an orange flag since she may not feel comfortable talking about those things.. Edited January 14, 2011 by Art_Critic Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 This one will never be happy without treatment. If she is on meds then the chances are she is in treatment of some sort.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeIsGreat Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 THanks guys. Actually we broke up about 6 months ago. Were together for almost 2 yrs, but it was on/off again. We had been friends and as such she didn't feel the need to hide stuff from me. I remember thinking she seemed messed up, but for some strange reason we wound up 'involved'. I have no intention of getting back with her! That relationship was way too difficult. Just trying to learn for next time. Yes, I made a few mistakes in our r/l-- but I was always willing to admit them, apologize, and do better. However, in 2 years that woman never once apologized for anything she said/did that hurt my feelings. Trying to sit down and have an adult conversation about our r/l was terrible. I remember the first time I tried she popped a valium and chased it with a beer. She HATED to talk about her feelings. If I brought something up that bothered me she would get mad-- it was weird. It was almost like she realized she had major issues, but instead of working with them she would get mad at herself and her anger would be directed at me. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Run for your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Trying to sit down and have an adult conversation about our r/l was terrible. I remember the first time I tried she popped a valium and chased it with a beer. She HATED to talk about her feelings. If I brought something up that bothered me she would get mad-- it was weird. It was almost like she realized she had major issues, but instead of working with them she would get mad at herself and her anger would be directed at me. Now that is a red flag LIG... It might very well be the last part of your post that is the truth.. She may know she has some issues to deal with but she isn't dealing with them so she just gets angry instead.. It's kinda hard to arm chair something like what is happening in her life but she does seem to be in some turmoil.. Good thing that you aren't going back... Link to post Share on other sites
Cee Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I find it more helpful to not analyze my ex's behavior, but mine. For me, I chose to marry a man who was totally messed up. Whenever I think about the past, I ask myself the question, "What emptiness was I trying to fill with an unavailable man?" I will never understand my ex's motivations and problems. All I can do is focus on my issues and problems. Hopefully, I won't repeat the same mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeIsGreat Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 I find it more helpful to not analyze my ex's behavior, but mine. For me, I chose to marry a man who was totally messed up. Whenever I think about the past, I ask myself the question, "What emptiness was I trying to fill with an unavailable man?" I will never understand my ex's motivations and problems. All I can do is focus on my issues and problems. Hopefully, I won't repeat the same mistake. EXACTLY!!! I have done that and come to the conclusion I was willing to basically take anyone, as long as I had someone in my life. I'm divorced, and had been married my entire life. Once I got single I ALWAYS had a woman in my life. Don't think I was OK being alone. Even after my divorce, the longest I was ever alone was about 4 months:o This time I'm learning. It's been 6 months and I haven't gone near another woman (although I have had chances). I think I'll wait at least another 6 months. I can't blame my ex gf since I knew what she was like before I got with her. (truth be told, I think I also enjoyed the challenge of being with such a difficult woman). It was MY fault for being with her, and I have learned from it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cee Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I'm totally with you. I was never without a man for longer than 2 months. From ages 16-34, I was always with a guy. Finally, I got on the wagon and ended my addiction to relationships. I had to get help though to get better. I joined a 12 step program for love addiction and it changed my life. What's funny is I've made a 180. Now, I struggle to want to be in a relationship. I'd rather be single. I realize now that everything I need is within myself, my friendships, and my spirituality. Link to post Share on other sites
ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I thought natural selection took care of situations like this... guess I'll have to do my part to help the environment along: OP, don't listen to these people saying these are red flags. matter of fact, don't even trust any shred of intuition or good sense you likely don't have (repress those if I'm wrong). instead, please understand that nobody's perfect and EVERYBODY needs love, right? of course I'm right. so who are you to judge? judging is wrong, wouldn't you say? say it with me... "of course it is!" Good Job! marry these women. if you think about it, you haven't really made any mistakes to date. forget what these other posters are saying and listen to me. don't stop pursuing the woman of your dreams because of subtle nuances in character like a few divorces, or even a small heroine addiction; again, who are you to judge? do the right thing and propose today. might I suggest Afganistan for the honeymoon. all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeIsGreat Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 I'm totally with you. I was never without a man for longer than 2 months. From ages 16-34, I was always with a guy. Finally, I got on the wagon and ended my addiction to relationships. I had to get help though to get better. I joined a 12 step program for love addiction and it changed my life. What's funny is I've made a 180. Now, I struggle to want to be in a relationship. I'd rather be single. I realize now that everything I need is within myself, my friendships, and my spirituality. Sweet! That means you are NOW ready for a good r/l. Congrats In my case, I really don't think I'm addicted-- it's just what I have been used to. I'm doing OK by myself. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 What are your thoughts on the potential with a woman who has thrown up some of these red and orange flags. She'd make a compatible partner for someone with a similar and successfully recovered background, presuming she's recovered substantially. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 These are all red flags, however she could work through them if she is willing to do so. She sounds very resistant, and that she isn't willing to do anything to ammend her behavior or deal with the trauma she has experienced. It's good you aren't going to go back with her, she would not make a very good partner with her current mental state and issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 you know how women on forums like this are advised by men not to be 'fixers', not to try to sort out a guy but listen when he says he has issues? well, the same applies to men. if you meet a woman who is bats**t crazy, run. she won't change, she will be always nuts. it's not your job to fix her. run Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeIsGreat Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Thanks for all the "run" advice, although I have already run. What's very strange is that this woman has been very hard to get over for some reason. I'm trying to figure that out. She really didn't bring a whole lot to our relationship, yet I miss her very much. I have been NC for 6 months and haven't even been tempted to contact her. My brain tells me I am so much better off, yet it still hurts my heart terribly. What's up with that?? Link to post Share on other sites
hearttobreak Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Dated a similar woman. Though, she was never in a mental hospital and only had 2 divorces by 31. I thought we could had worked through the issues, but we couldn't. It wasn't working, so I broke it off. It was a shame, as if she did not have these issues, she would be great relationship material. Sadly, her past was what had made her into what she is today. Low in behold, I still cannot get rid of her. She blames me for the relationship not working and tells everyone she dumped me. Whereas, I never talked about to anyone and when I did, I said it was amicable. It is clear she's not all there. Still, before I blocked her number, she would text me and ask me questions about what I was saying about her. Funny part is, never said anything. Once bitten, twice shy. I now not just run, but fly away from these women.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mad Max Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 5 times??? Damaged goods times infinity. A divorce can happen, but if you're married AND divorced at least 2 times, then that's unacceptable IMO. My dad has been married 4 times and all 4 wives left him. Someone that's been divorced at least twice is always a red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 5 times??? Damaged goods times infinity. A divorce can happen, but if you're married AND divorced at least 2 times, then that's unacceptable IMO. My dad has been married 4 times and all 4 wives left him. Someone that's been divorced at least twice is always a red flag. 2 strikes you're out! No hope for me then. Link to post Share on other sites
Mad Max Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 2 strikes you're out! No hope for me then. Let's be honest. Let's say two spouses left you for no good reason. The reasons may have been BS, but it shows you suck at choosing partners. Someone that's been divorced once I can give a bit of leeway. Divorced twice??? I'm sorry, but no. Link to post Share on other sites
SarcasticBlonde Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I have mostly posted in the break up forum, but am trying to learn from my mistakes. What are your thoughts on the potential with a woman who has thrown up some of these red and orange flags.... Married 5 times by her mid 30's? Had spent time as a teen in a mental ward? Sexually assaulted at 17? Says that in prior relationships all she did was 'show up'? (didn't really put work into it) Confesses that she 'tests' guys shes dating? Has issues with anxiety and takes an anti-depressant? Her grown daughter thought I treated her well so told her mom 'don't f this one up'? Confesses that she has issues with communication, and when I would try to communicate she would become extremely irrational? Is this a joke? Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Married 5 times by her mid 30's? Yes. One failed marriage? Understandable. I won't even really bat an eye, unless it's over bigger issues that are unresolved from it. Two? Eh, I'll look twice, and assess. Five? I mean, at some point you just stop getting married and realize you're bad at it, no? Had spent time as a teen in a mental ward? Not a great sign, but depending on why and how long ago, could be reasonable by now. Sexually assaulted at 17? I'd never fault anyone for being the victim of any kind of abuse. Says that in prior relationships all she did was 'show up'? (didn't really put work into it) Big red flag. Confesses that she 'tests' guys shes dating? Biggest red flag yet. Has issues with anxiety and takes an anti-depressant? I've dated men who take anti-deppressants. Without the other issues this lady has, I don't think that's an issue. If they're managing it, I'd never hold it against anyone. Depression and anxiety disorders are fairly common and often managed with medication/counseling/treatment. Her grown daughter thought I treated her well so told her mom 'don't f this one up'? Eh, not great. Confesses that she has issues with communication, and when I would try to communicate she would become extremely irrational? Well, that's how everyone feels sometimes. Depends on how irrational. But the whole picture together? Sounds like a train wreck to me. Good luck with that one. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 each successive marriage has a higher divorce rate Link to post Share on other sites
ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Thanks for all the "run" advice, although I have already run. What's very strange is that this woman has been very hard to get over for some reason. I'm trying to figure that out. She really didn't bring a whole lot to our relationship, yet I miss her very much. I have been NC for 6 months and haven't even been tempted to contact her. My brain tells me I am so much better off, yet it still hurts my heart terribly. What's up with that?? dude, I told you there'd be nay-sayers, didn't I? screw them. go get your woman. so she's fu*king bonkers... I say so what! marry her, my friend. TRUE LOVE conquers all. you know i'm right. so go, my friend; go do darwin proud and grab true love by the balls. Link to post Share on other sites
SarcasticBlonde Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 dude, I told you there'd be nay-sayers, didn't I? screw them. go get your woman. so she's fu*king bonkers... I say so what! marry her, my friend. TRUE LOVE conquers all. you know i'm right. so go, my friend; go do darwin proud and grab true love by the balls. This woman is a nut case. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts