Miss_G Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 As suggested by some of you lovely helpful people I will make a NC diary before I say anymore stupid things to the ex It's only been a couple of days (since Wednesday) since we last spoke and that didn't end particularly wonderfully. For those of you who don't know, he won't actually say that he is DONE. He just says 'whatever' and has stated that he doesn't think our relationship will get better and I am trying to paint him as the bad guy by making him say it is finished. I was going to push him for an answer but I have decided to go quiet and say nothing. I asked him out for food next week in a text yesterday and he has not replied. We have a child so I have to see him to hand him over. What do you suggest I do when I do hand my son over if I'm trying to go NC? Someone suggested just give in the baby, say what the baby needs that day and what time to drop him off, kiss the baby and ask him to leave. Can't believe it has come to this. I thought we were solid and, even though we had problems, we could survive anything. We have a home that we jointly own that he is living in at the moment. I would move back but I find his parents overpowering and they would be in like a shot making my life unbearable. I am perfectly happy at home with my parents for now. We need to sort the house out if we were to split fully but if we were to sort the house out that, to me and I'm sure him, would be it FOREVER. No going back. I'm not sure whether this is why he is holding off. Also, just out of interest, does this seem fair in terms of visitation for our child? At the moment he has him 3 days a week, on his day off mid-week and at the weekend. He only has him during the day and brings him back at teatime. I was leneint because I wanted our child to see him as much as possible so that if we got back together he wouldn't find it confusing. Now that we are fully split I was thinking of structuring it a bit more. I work 5 days a week, he works 4, so he could have our child on his day off mid-week and ONE day at the weekend overnight and we could alternate. He has him from Friday teatime til Saturday teatime and I have him Saturday night and Sunday teatime, etc. And the weekend after that we swap and I have him Friday night, etc. Does that seem fair on my son? (I couldn't care less how fair it is on the ex!) My son has a good routine with me and I want to keep things as normal as possible for him. I don't want him swapping and changing between homes. But of course, I appreciate time with his Dad is important. I want my ex to understand that things will not stay the same. Things have been relatively easy since we split because we have been on good friendly terms. He hasn't been the perfect gentlemen since we split initially and this recent turn of events has made me realise what an idiot he has been. He mentioned in a conversation on one of our 'dates' during our split that he hoped we could remain friends if things didn't work out. I don't want this. I would be civil for our son. I feel my ex just wants the best of both worlds. We were best friends before getting together so we have a wonderful friendship. I do not want him in my life if he doesn't want to be in it properly. I just wish I could cut all contact with him and never see him again!
Leandro Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Well I'm glad you're making a diary to help you. It's going to help a lot!! Good luck!
Author Miss_G Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Can't rememer if I stated it on this thread or a different one but I sent my ex a text message saying that if he wanted to work on things we could go for something to eat next week and if he was over then to let me know. I always said to let me know when he wanted to have our child. He didn't reply which I took as a big sign. However, he sent me one this evening thanking me for the message yesterday and apologising for not replying as he was at work. He said nothing about 'meeting up' but also nothing about being 'done'. He simply made arrangements to collect our child, all very nice. This is unusual for him. Usually he just ignores me or he has in the past. I was expecting a text saying 'when I can have the baby' and nothing else. For him to send such a long message I feel is a good sign. I can't understand why he is suddenly being nice. Is that because he's worried that I will be angry at the no reply and won't let him see our son? Or does he want to let things settle and maybe he will mention going out when he comes to get our child? What do you think? Is it a good sign that he is making friendly contact?
Jdw_Icequeen Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 A sign you will get back together? No.. I left a post under your last thread stating how are situations were alot a like. As for your son I would say when he comes to pick him up just have him ready smile and be friendly don't be upset don't bring up the relationship and you should really stop asking him out. Sorry to be so blunt and not meaning to make you feel bad at all. He completley avoided your question of going out. I wouldn't ask again or bring it up. If you do just want him to say things are over I can totally understand why. You want closure. If that is what you truly want. I would suggest when you do see him to put it simple. Ask him if he has a moment to speak. Tell him look.. I am not trying to make you look like the bad guy by wanting an answer from you. What I am looking for is closure in this situation, so that I can move on from it and put my life back together. I would even throw in "I deserve atleast that much don't I after all we been through".. If he still refuses, then you are going to have to just drop it and go your own way. You can't force him to say things either way. You really do need to try to seperate yourself from it though and hoping just because he dosen't want to say it dosen't make it so.. Good luck with your NC..
Author Miss_G Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 Hi jdw_icequeen. I accidentally put my NC blog on my last thread so excuse the repetition! At least I know there is someone feeling the same as me out there. It's been 4 days since the 'chat' and I have to see him tomorrow. I just feel his kindness has completely thrown me. I know deep down that we are over. I know he isn't coming back and certainly not any time soon. As people have said to me 'you never know what might happen in the future' (something he has also said) but as I said to him I can't wait around for 2 weeks, 2 months, even 2 years hoping he's going to change his mind. More than anything it's my son. I feel so him knowing that he will never remember his mum and dad being together. I know this happens to lots of people and they grow up to have perfectly normal lives but I was never raised that way. I always had a close family and my mum and dad were always together, as were my partners. I can't believe he disvalues a stable family so easily. You can also see my dilemma in the way he says he 'still loves me'. If he were to say 'look, I love you as person but I'm not in love with you. I don't want to go back to that relationship and we need to move on and live separate lives.' I would find closure in that and (probably after a lot of crying!) move on and get on with my life. Just find some form of common ground for the sake of our child to see his dad. Although, this is the first time he's actually stated that he 'doesn't think things will get better'. He hasn't even given it chance to try. In his head, speaking every other day or every couple of days and the odd dinner is a way of 'working on a relationship'. No chance! To me, the 'dates' were to work on OUR relationship as in our friendship that we lost because of all the stresses of having a baby unexpectedly. Then I felt, once we were close as friends, we could work on our loving relationship. Get the spark and affection back. I realised it would take a lot of time. But it was always ME suggesting things. It just got too tiring. I know he is convinced I am lining another bloke up and I am not! It is true that I have started speaking to a nice man that I have known for several years and haven't seen for a while. I believe he has feelings for me. But I am not looking for a relationship. I haven't done anything with this man except speak to him in town and maybe dance with him once or twice (I also danced with his fat bald mate but it's funny how he's never been dragged into my exes concern ) This blokes friend is also a mutual friend of me and my ex and he was very drunk last weekend saying that 'said bloke' had been asking about me and was I completely single. I said I honestly didn't know what was going on and I wasn't ready for another relationship. I also said that 'said bloke' would only be interested in a one night thing and I had a child and would not be interested. I am going out tonight and now I'm dreading the stories that will start coming out if I bump into 'said bloke'. I also feel my ex is using this bloke so he can make out that I found someone else and he had NO OPTION but to not come back, thus painting me as the bad guy. Maybe he wants me to find someone so he can come out with his new girl and I won't be bothered...
Author Miss_G Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 Day 5 of NC & proper split I suppose and got to see ex today to hand over the baby. Really don't want to see him and don't know how to act! Things would be so much simpler if I didn't have to see him at all really. Twist in the tale! I went out for drinks last night with a pal and one of exes girl mates (she is a mutual friend!) said she ran into my ex in the pub about 2 weeks ago. She said he sat her down and demanded he know everything she knew about what I had been up to since the split. I don't hang around with this friend really, I just run into her every now and again out and about and we have a chat. She was quite serious in telling me how he wasn't just 'asking' he was 'interrogating'. This, however, was a couple of weeks ago. I just don't know what that means and whether he's become 'not bothered' in a matter of weeks. She also said that she believed he would have been upset about this 'other bloke' (although there is no OTHER BLOKE!) and she thinks one day me and the ex will drift back together. Now I feel completely messed up. I'm not going to go back on being strong and going NC. He hasn't mentioned going out which I think is a big thing for not wanting to get back together. I'm not going to mention it at all and just see what happens in the next few weeks. If nothing at all happens I will say to my ex that clearly we are completely over. I have probably said this before and am just typing my thoughts really. What do you all think of the recent things?
Author Miss_G Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 Ok, so the ex turned up late today to pick up our son. He said he got the times wrong. Thats not like him, usually he's always perfectly on time. He was very apologetic. Hes making it hard to do the NC thing because I have to keep seeing him. This may be more of a 'split up' diary Anyway, I said to ex (because he hadn't replied to my text about going for food) that I would appreciate if he could at least have the decency to reply even if it's to say 'no'. He just nodded and said 'ok'. I said could he please text me and let me know. I also said that if he was seeing someone else that had kept him late I would appreciate him having the respect to tell me, especially if it's impacting on him seeing our child. He said he wasn't seeing anybody. He still hasn't text me about going out. It's not looking good and I'm feel really down. I don't understand why, if he's not seeing someone else, he doesn't want to make our family work! There must be an underlining reason why he won't get back...
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