NycyD Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Hi, I am new and have seen a lot of understanding people here so hope I can get some help. I am sorry this is so impossibly long but I think its best I give as much information as possible to help my situation make sense. I have been with my husband for 17 years. We've been married for almost 13 years now. We've been together since senior year of high school. We have sex about once a month. We have gone stretches where there was no sex for 3 or 4 months. It started because I have a lot of physical reproductive problems but they have been in check for a while. So the reason we haven't been more active has been simply because I don't want to. Now I do it at least once a month for his sake. I don't really want to though. So let me back it up a bit... I feel like he has no idea how to touch me any longer. I have tried to explain gently and it's like he's not listening or doesn't get it. I am turned off by him physically. He is very overweight (I have gained weight too) and it becomes such a drama to get in the right position that what ever lust was there is, is gone with in moments before I am turned off by the way he has moved or touched me. Sometimes he smells like he doesn't bathe well. What am I supposed to say without crushing him? I don't say anything because how can I? I can't bear the thought of saying those things to him. Much like I can't bear the thought of leaving him to fend for himself. I am so terrified that I will be giving up the one person who truly loves me and understands me as I am. I am terrified that he will not do well after I leave. That I have ruined his life. We got married young, mainly because I asked him to. I had a horrible home life and I wanted out. I couldn't just move in w/ him because it's was too far against how I was brought up. I truly loved and love him. He is hilarious, smart, sweet and all around nice guy everyone loves to be around. I love to be around him too. I just not sure we should be married anymore. A decade ago we moved to another state. I was not happy and was really badly depressed for the first couple of years. Then I got used to it or at least content enough to just deal and finished school then started my career. I was the “mom” of the household. We have no kids but I took care everything. I went to school, worked, cleaned, took care of our animals (dog & cat) and paid the bills, etc... After I began my career I was overwhelmed and it all became too much. I was working 10 hr days and doing nothing else. He cooked or we ate out (we mostly ate out). He washed the clothes and nothing else was done because I stopped doing them. We lived in squalor for the last 5 years at least. I quit the career after 4 stressful years and have been working higher than min wage but under my qualifications jobs for the last couple of years. I am not sure why I couldn't hack it. I hardly slept and was crying all the time. I am not sure if it was the career that made things worse or if my failing at what I had worked so hard for was a symptom of my disease. I also picked up a sobriety problem. One he does not seem to mind at all. I still go to work everyday and we get our bills paid but that is it. For me its daily. For him its on the weekends. I sometimes think he doesn't complain because he knows it keeps me sedated and less likely to leave. He knows I am unhappy. We have had this conversation many times (minus the sex issue) but we always say we are going to work on it. We have not lived up to my expectations of where I thought we would be at this point. I just feel like he has taken a back seat and left all the heavy lifting for me. Since I have bowed out of killing myself we are going no where. There is no upward movement in sight until I get myself together. He has his own self esteem issues which holds him back but he has never really tried. Not like I have. I have had crushes on different people through out our marriage. I have never taken it there and I never will. I will end it first, but I have had times where I flirted with other men and enjoyed the attention when I was younger. Now I may have a crush on someone and give no clues. Actually. I usually avoid the person altogether because of how wrong it makes me feel. But I become consumed with thoughts about the person just like a typical teenager crushing on classmate. I have been having dreams about the guy I almost ended up with for our entire marriage. It comes and goes in spurts. I may not think about him for almost a whole year, then pop... another dream that has my head spinning for days and gets me down that road of thinking about him for a long period of time afterward. I wouldn't start a relationship with him ever just because it's wrong. They are friends now, but my dreams of him lead me to believe there is something I'm missing in reality that I have to go to my dreams to find. I tell you about this because I am starting to believe I've always been half way out the door and maybe I should stop prolonging it. I stay because I don't want to hurt him, because he is this wonderful person who does not deserve this. He has stood by me in such horrible times. I am not easy to live with. I am clinically depressed. I am doing better these days but a couple of years of go I thought of nothing but suicide. He has stood by me during my dramatic episodes that came from dealing with my super stressful family, my inability to believe in myself and tendency to make things worse than they really are. He has stood by my side and held my hand when I needed him to. He has put up with my totally withdrawn personality. As my depression got worse I simply did not want to be around people because I was embarrassed of myself. I was embarrassed of what I had become. I have so many unaccomplished expectations. I still feel this way but have stopped allowing that to be a reason to live the way I was living. I've been through all kinds of therapy. It has helped me with my feelings about myself tremendously. I am still neurotic in a lot of ways but I am able to keep myself in check. When it comes to our marriage (which was a major topic in my sessions) I am still feeling the same. Like I love him and don't want to hurt him but not sure I want to be in the marriage either. I feel like there have been too many things that have transpired to fix it. We have been to couples counseling. We say we are going to do things differently and it lasts for few weeks until both of back to our normal habits. I stay because he is my best friend. He and I understand each other in a way that not too many other people do I think. Except there is no passion there. At least there isn't anything I'm feeling. It's like we're best friends or close siblings, not like a married couple. Our sex used to be wonderful, we never needed much instruction it was always just great. Then as my depression got worse and our lives in turn got worse; it started to dissipate. He has been doing the bare necessities for us for the last few years. He washes the clothes, pays the bills, and on occasion cooks. I cook on occasion but as I said earlier, we mostly eat out. I have started a turn around in the last few weeks. I have cleaned up and I am maintaining it. I have been cooking most nights and I am thinking about going back to school or trying to take another shot at what I originally went to school for. I think that even though we love each other deeply that that we are bad for each other. I feel like I will never be better with him because he demands nothing of me and vice versa. At the same time I can't stop thinking about how messed up it is to just walk away. If I had one wish it was that he never met me. He gave his life to standing by my side and all I think about is leaving and throwing that away. Please help, so torn.
What_Next Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 First off, I applaud your ability to honor your vows and not break them. Having thoughts is normal and even healthy, having the strength and conviction to not act on them is a different personality trait entirely. I didn't read that you have both attempted marriage counseling, I feel it might benefit you both. What I see here is a breakdown in communication. You mention your husbands weight and you even mention your own (again congrats for having the courage to admit it). Well if your level of communication was healthy then you would be able to talk to him about it. What a better way to establish a bond than to lose the weight together! Regarding the drinking, well you know what to do there. It's right in front of you. I think you BOTH need a massive shake up. A kick in the a$$. You've made a huge step by coming here, act on it.
carhill Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Take the money you would spend on alcohol for the month and spend it on marriage counseling. Do this for two months. Get back to us. Good luck
Duckduckgoose Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 This relationship sounds so save-able that I wouldn't dream of throwing in the towel! As far as the weight, for both of you... do something together to get into shape The drinking... well stop it. And get some marriage counselling.
tobydog1 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Yes, I feel that you can get all this back. Talk and then some more. Get fit together, quit the booze, get out for days out, do things. You love him and he understands you, he is your best friend. Build on that. You have a strong foundation and you can build on this. Lots of us who have been married for years get into this mindset. It can be fixed. Have some MC, remember you love him. Good Luck x
Steadfast Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Not much to add to the great advice you've already received. I too applaud your decision to not hurt the innocent to get the things you want for yourself. Your happiness isn't dependent on your husband and his isn't dependent on you. However, it is in your favor to have a caring partner as that truly can make all the difference. I'd start by simply telling him that you'd be happier with more quality sex, and that it would improve if you both felt and looked better. What great motivation that is! Most everyone is happier when fit. Get that counseling, lose the bottle and shoot for having the life with your husband that you truly desire. Chances are, he's thinking the same thing. Thanks for the hope and encouragement of your post. You are a great example of a wife that wants better, yet looking inward first. Bravo.
Author NycyD Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your words of support. I am still working on us. We have been to counseling but it doesn't really help. Its like getting a wax that fades after few weeks. We know what the problems are, the thing is doing things differently and we never do. We need to be people we have never been. I don't think I can do it here. I can't hold him up. I can only take care of me and its really difficult to do that when I have to take him into account. I end up falling into my usual ways every time. By the way, I'm not a drinker, we smoke the ganja as some like to say. He drinks and smokes but like I said he's a weekend warrior. I want to go back home and start over. When I am there I don't feel like I need it like when I'm here. I never actually did it until we moved here actually. I think we are both scared to stop because there will be nothing there. Now we laugh a lot together. I think we are both scared there will be no more laughter if there is nothing to fuel it. Our lease is up in a couple of months and I feel like I just want to go back home and start over. He will not do well there. He has no degree, only work experience and it is tough market where he will be up against people with certifications and degrees. He will never get a job like the one he has here and I would hate to make him give it up. He loves it. He has a sweet schedule and the pay is ok. Its a low pressure job. Its actually one the of the things I hate about him. I feel he has no ambition. He is so smart and always does the bare minimum to get by. He always has and he always will. I have come to realize this is who he is and this will never change. It will always bother me that to him living check to check is just fine. He has no future goals. He wants to live for today which I started doing and here we are. This is who he is and I can't expect him to be someone else for me. We've been down that road. I told him I didn't care what he went to school for but he needed to something. We needed to stop living check to check. He got a certificate in broadcasting (which he has great potential for – wonderful speaking voice, witty and so smart). He was working nights along with his regular job for about a year. When he got passed up for a postion he should have gotten he quit and decided to throw in the towel altogether. He never applied anywhere else. He went to culinary school, got an associates for pastry chef. I was really proud of him. He has not gone on one interview and he graduated about two years ago. He doesn't like the pressure of a restaurant and doesn't like the work of a side business. So $33,000.00 in school loans later, we have some nice pictures and lovely piece of paper. I don't respect him, I love him because he has always stood by me but I don't respect him. I feel he has always waited for someone else to pull him out of the ditch and I can't pull both of us. I tried and it nearly drove me insane. He has never wanted to try individual counsling by the way. I have really tried to get him to do it and he has time and again told me he does not need it. He is fine. Now I am starting to get my footing again and I feel like I will never be different while I'm around him. Our way of being is just too easy and neither one of us has the fortitude to be different. We've worked out a couple of times since New Years but then he got sick (he often does, gets colds at least a couple of times a year) so everything has come to a hault. I have been doing better with our meals so there is that. I am about to be 35 and I feel like my life has been on pause for the last 10 years. I don't think we want to watch the same movie. He says he does but he never really does. Jeez... now I'm rambling. Thanks for listening anyway. Feel free to comment again if you like.
Windsurf66 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 sounds like a mid-life crisis....WAW syndrome
Lexygirl Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 sounds like a mid-life crisis....WAW syndrome WHY, WHY, WHY would you put this label on her? Just because she wants a better life? Just because she wants her man to want a better life? That's ridiculous to call it that.... NcycD, I believe you should have a frank conversation with your husband (without the ganga) and come right out and tell him exactly what you've told us.... You say you love him so he deserves to know exactly what you're thinking. There are ways of saying things diplomatically so as not to totally hurt the other person but you need to be clear on your wants and needs; Your expectations of him AND what YOU plan on doing to change things to make life better. Write down things that you want to change so you yourself are clear as to what you need BUT don't sound demanding.... You have a right to be happy and so does he. Also, tell him how close you are to throwing in the towel. Good luck. Lex
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