avoiding myself?

[bzoe]

maybe I'm thinking too much as usual

i know you're supposed to allow yourself to hurt to heal and all

but ever since last weekend, I come on here, I read as much as I can which is not much bc it starts to hurt reading other peoples pain and I cant take it

 

I stopped going to my therapist bc I'm sick of hearing myself speak ..digging deep.. digging at all hurts and i can't take feeling that either

 

i assume I can handle music but sometimes things will be a little to poignant and i rush to shut it off

 

this new guy I'm talking to .. the sweetest thing - patient and wonderful amongst other things I never thought I'd see again.. tonight he says something that was frighteningly identical to the ex and that deja vu was NOT pleasant

 

is it wrong to be like this for while so i can finally start living some kind of life again?

 

im just so sick of myself and these feelings I truly resent my ex for putting me through. Its starting to turn to hatred.. all that hurt? sadness? questions? just .. a growing hatred from afar that I want to let go. that anguish is a sign he's been here and i truly jsut want to erase

 

i just dont want this blowing up in my face . i swear i need out of break up hell

[PowerOfOne]

Been there bzoe... I can relate totally to what you're saying. I'm so sick and tired of thinking about it. But every moment of downtime I find myself drifting into thoughts that I shouldn't.

 

At least you've got a new interest though. Is it helping your confidence to move on at all? I've spend the last week giving myself the biggest pep talk I can that I will meet someone special one day. That I am going to be loved and love again. I keep telling myself that I'd have to be pretty arrogant to think that I'd never meet someone again, I'm only 27. But yeah, it's hard to see it/accept it.

[bzoe]

Hey power- thx a lot

you know something..its interesting

for the past months post breakup one of the things I completely sold to myself was that i was not attractive or desirable and that no one would ever want me again. and i cried many days and night about it. I gave no weight to old guy friends who've been calling and txting bc they knew "the old me" pre damage.

 

this new guy .. his interest feels really good. it also confuses me sometimes. like "why is he saying this.. is he serious? heard this before :(" sometimes I just have to say nothing and listen. that just goes to show you how much my experience with the ex affected my mind. Not only does he have a good heart and strong identifiable values, he's a lot like me. A lot of what he says or loves- I get it. Its a bewildering thing to witness for me right now. I understand now about the warnings on rebound and all .. it can distract you from feeling all those things from before. listening to someone like him say he wants to take the hurt away..

 

that said i have no interest in hurting him or misleading him so I'm "driving with brakes on" if that makes any sense. Meeting each other was sheer coincidence and while I took the attitude "if I'm meant to know/be with you then itll happen when it happens" to a few ppl I've met lately.. its diff. with him.

 

with those ppl, it does help seeing someone interested but in a shallow sense which doesnt do much for someone like me bc the thing I treasured and commented on often in my last relationship was how deep of a connection we had .. we were our own little team. I delighted in having someone I could be myself with and always did my best to accepting so he'd feel the same. I would liken it to losing a full course meal and being offered.. a small bag of potato chips. the generic kind

 

this particular new guy has a lot of potential though. Some conversations take me away. but its clear to me its going to take time to forget the ex and what he did altogether. THAT is the one thing that can threaten this or anything i try to have in the future. which makes me mad. I don't want anything else taken away from me by him

 

mental struggles are so effin exhausting

 

 

and yeah youre 27.. even if you werent, you will absolutely meet someone. I'm tempted to say "if i can do it"

the thing I noticed was letting up on some of the breakup stuff.. at least the heavier side and well pouring myself into working out.. my career.. friends..it literally fights the old feelings and thoughts

I don't know what to do with the stronger ones that lingers. I relate to those thoughts creeping up over and over. NC helps..

just know that when it comes to finding someone new - THAT will happen.

the other stuff? well.. we're here to find out..

[PowerOfOne]

I think a lot of it comes down to not physically being able to invest in something/someone when the last time you did - you got burned. Which is exactly how I would describe driving with the brakes on.

 

I liked the potato chip analogy. I think that's the huge reason why people shouldn't jump into a rebound without atleast recognising the breakup - acknowloging the feelings. If you don't then you expect it to be as deep and meaningful as your last relationship was. But that's just not possible. That kind of connection takes time.

 

It's funny how my patience has gone completely out the window since the breakup as well. It's almost as if time as started running at half speed. I have to keep reminding myself to be patient. Let time do it's thing. It doesn't all have to happen today! I was never like that before.