broken3 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Hi All, I am a 17 year old male and had been with my girlfriend since the middle of August 2010. She broke up with me 3 days ago and I have not been taking it well at all and it has been the only thing that I have thought about. Her reasons were that I was too "clingy", too pressuring and that she didn't feel the same love for me that I felt for her, yet I wasn't aware that it was at this stage and I was trying to fix my impurities. So she broke it to me and I was extremely emotional in front of her, that is when I started doing all the DO NOTs that there is possible (not knowing it at the time). I kept asking her for another chance, that I could change, begging her to stay with me, saying that my life was nothing without her etc. to no avail (obviously!) She said that she wanted to still be friends and that she didn't want to hurt me, so I called her that same night and basically conceeded that fact that we were over and asked if we could start our friendship by seeing her tomorrow... not the BEST idea. It felt like a good at the time and we had a great day (watched a movie, played a board game, had lunch etc.) and then at the end of the game when I was sitting with her it was just like yesterday. I started begging her again and started to cry, even making her cry. I didn't leave on the best terms and I was extremely angry when I returned home. That afternoon I went to training, I think it was good to get away from all of it, even if it was for two hours. When I got back home, I called her STRAIGHT away and apologised for my behaviour and asked if I could see her the next day (Thursday). She had no hesitation in saying yes. But then I couldn't get to sleep, so I called her and spoke to her for a couple of hours, again, asking why she broke up etc. can we make a compromise? Can you give me another chance etc. and it pretty much just made me feel worse and I had not accomplished ANYTHING... So the next day, I decided to turn to the internet for advice, looking at many websites in regards to how to get your girlfriend back and received much advise from those and indeed wrote it down. After I was finished, I immediately sent her a text message saying that I was busy and could not see her like we planned. I felt good that I was finally combatting the URGE! So I got through the day, basically cryed myself to sleep after thinking about it and had to get comforted by my parents. I made an EFFORT NOT to call her that night and I indeed DIDN'T! Then I got to this morning and I waned just slightly, I am known for my peak physical fitness and determination so I sent her a text saying "I'm going for a run at 9.30am, would you like to join me?". She said yes without a doubt so I went around to her place to meet her and go for a run/walk. I read on the websites I was looking at the day before that I should act strong around her and not look like a broken man, but that I should also give her space and NOT do what I had done before (beg, plead etc.) In other words, I wanted to show her that I was over it and not hurting (which I definitely was!) but I tried not to show this in my body language. So I meet her at her place and we go for a run. She struggled a bit and I used my knowledge about PDHPE and fitness to try and help her get over it a bit (relax, pace yourself etc.) and she seemed to appreciate that. I wanted to bring across that I had a fixed mentality and that I wasn't showing any emotion that I was yesterday and the day before. I ran back to her house with her an suggested if she wanted to do a group stretch, she said yes to that so we did. I believe she enjoyed it and I can remember her saying "Look at this, I'm having my own personal training session" accompanied with a smile and laugh. So after that was done, I put my shoes back on and ran home. I left her place with a smile on my face and I didn't come close to talking about the relationship once! I keep thinking about the way she said goodbye to me. She said it in a real happy manner and used my name. It made me feel really good an accomplished that I had seen her but not been emotional! So this is where I am now, In front of my computer typing this. I HAVE NOT made contact with her since the run I mentioned before (while it is so tempting) I just keep telling myself to be strong. So what I'm wondering is how do I work at getting her back and winning her heart back? Where do I go from here? I'm lost and I want to have her back so, so bad! Any help would be very much appreciated. Please don't hesitate to ask for anymore details if necessary... Thank you! Kind Regards, Sam.
D78 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 broken3, Her reasons for breaking up with you were (1) clingy, (2) pressure, and (3) she didn't feel the same way about you. You responded by doing exactly what she broke up with you for, and reminded her that she didn't feel the same way about you. The run seemed to improve her image of you. You should consider stopping there. Leave her with a good impression. Go NC (no contact) until you can get past the hurting. As long as you continue to see her or talk to her, it will continue to hurt. If she asks you why you stopped calling, tell her you need time to get over being hurt by her. I'm sure more LS folks will add to this tomorrow. Good luck!
Author broken3 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 D78, Thanks for your reply, I acknowledge that I went by it the wrong way and can see the mistakes I have made and have gone past this in my opinion. At the moment I am feeling very good and feel that there is still a glimer of hope but will keep my cool. She sent me 2 messages on Facebook today. Once thanking me for keeping back with her on the run and the other saying that whenever I "poke" her on Facebook, she is reminded of how lucky she is to still have me in her life. I have had a big look at TW Jackson's "Magic of Making Up" site and considering to purchase his eBook. He says that first step to getting her back is to send her a SMALL, handwritten letter basically agreeing with her decision and saying that you think it is "for the best" What is everyone's opinion on this? Especially yours D78? Thanks again, Sam.
D78 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 I'm actually not going to be of any help here I don't want my ex back and am still not over him. But, the smart folks will reply. Good luck.
babybear Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Hi Broken3, You seem like a nice guy, and I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. As a girl - I just wanted to point out to you that if you give her 100% of you when you aren't even her boyfriend (texts, calls, running, personal trainer) - why would she feel the need to take you back? She still has it all with zero commitment. You aren't letting her miss you, or realize what she might be losing. As I see it, she's in a pretty good spot right now. NC is tough, but that's the direction I think you should be headed in. Hope it works out.
Author broken3 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Thanks babybear, I think NC will be good for the long run also. I can see it getting easier from here on in What do I do if she sends me a text or a really nice Facebook message? Ignore? What I did today was just send a generic reply, nothing emotional, just thanks basicially. Thanks everyone! This is helping a great deal
the_crow22 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 What should you do if she texts you? well, I'm the last person you should take advice from in this realm, because I'm a trainwreck. I'm an " all or nothing " kinda guy, meaning, if a girl doesn't want me, I refuse to pine over her, and continue contact. If she was interested, she'll let you know, but I wouldn't waste another second of my life over someone who doesn't want me. Think about it, you think she's up at 4 AM asking for advice on how to get you back? no..she's probably talking to the captain of the football team or something. Dating is purely a numbers game, you're only 17, people in your life will come and go, you get cant get too wrapped up in any particular one. Have to find joy in the process, not in the end result. I would move on, and dont be so clingy next time, smothering never ends well, ever...girls want a challenge.
Author broken3 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Thanks the_crow22, I'm actually from Australia and it is only 9.05pm here, sorry for the confusion This was my first relationship and I really, really liked the girl. She has asked me on numerous occasions if I wanted to "hang" with her and I had to turn her down (due to my personal vowel of NC) Also, she has just recently told me that whenever she sees my name, she realises how lucky she is to still have me in her life. I'm sorry, but to me that sounds like there is still a spark? What should be the next step after I go without NC for a while until it stops hurting? I'm determined to get her back! Thanks, Sam
Author broken3 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Anymore help on the matter folks? I'm not sure as to where to go now?
radrluv72 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Here's the thing about NC that I've learned...currently on day 15 and doing well after a rough start. I, much like you, wanted my ex back immeadiately after he broke up with me. We stayed in communication with eachother for 3 weeks, being friendly & plutonic, but deep down, my heart was just screaming for him to come back. Finally, I confronted him again on why he broke up with me, and was given all the same non-answer answers all over again. And as much as I was trying to be the bigger person and trying to offer my hand in friendship because I wanted him to stay in my life, I had to come to a point where I needed to realize that I was doing nothing but torturing myself. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, constantly consumed over how to convince him that he'd made a mistake. But then I realized 2 things...one, I was dealing with an individual who was equally as stubborn as myself if not more, and two, I needed to take care of me. I was sick and tired of waking up every day with a massive ball of anxiety in my chest. I had to come to the realization that I couldn't control what other people thought or felt...I could only control the choices I made for myself. So when I finally made the decision to implement NC, as painful as the idea was of no longer having my ex in my life in any capacity, it was even more painful to have him in it, especially when he wasn't willing to give me what I wanted. And I wasn't about to settle. I told him not to contact me anymore, and he subsequently defriended me off Facebook. I mailed everything he gave me while we dated back to him in Afghanistan, & deleted all his previous text messages off my phone. Once you start NC, you need to stay with it. As previously said here, NC is not about making your ex miss you & want to back. It's about you taking care of you. And that's not to say that your ex is a horrible person because she broke your heart...in most cases, the breakup is as hard on the dumper as it is on the dumpee. I did the same thing you did--hunted online for advice on how to get my ex back, but the bottom line is that you have zero control on the choices that other people make for themselves. The position you're in right now and the hurt you're feeling, it's going to be so easy to read into anything she says or does as an indicator that she wants to reconcile. Right now, she's thinking that you're fully accepting of her wishes and that you're okay with settling for less than what you had with her, and that's not the case. Give NC the chance that it truly deserves...30 days minimum, and don't stray from it. You may find that within in a couple of weeks, like I did, you're feeling completely different about the idea of having her back in your life than you did when you started NC. My experience has been that yes, I do miss my ex, because he was a wonderful, incredible person that I fell head over heels in love with. But filtering him out so I can focus on myself & heal was the best choice I made for myself. I don't know that he'll contact me again...I'm hoping not. But I have to prepared that if he does, that I do not settle for less than what I want and deserve. If your ex isn't willing to give you what you want in a relationship, then you need to move on, and stick to NC. You're worth it.
Author broken3 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 Thank you so much radrluv72! So 30 days minimum NC? I'm just wondering at what this is hoping to acheive, will this be the best for me getting her back? I'm worried the ship will have sailed well before then? I can tell you now that when she returns from her holiday in 2-3 days time and we are both on Facebook, SHE will be the one who stars "chatting" with me or sending me messages. How do I react to this. She has reiterated that she still wants me in her life, but just as "friends" for the moment which hurt me more than ever. I miss the affection that we shared and the bond that we created. The Magic of Making Up suggested that I write a short, handwritten letter basicially saying that I agree with her decision, signifying that I am mentally strong and over begging her to come back. I won't have any difficulty contacting her, but she will be the one who contacts me. What do I do here? Thanks again for your response. Regards, Sam.
radrluv72 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Thank you so much radrluv72! So 30 days minimum NC? I'm just wondering at what this is hoping to acheive, will this be the best for me getting her back? I'm worried the ship will have sailed well before then?QUOTE] Again, the point of NC is not about getting your ex back. Your ex has made it clear that she wants friendship only. You want more than that. When 2 people want different things, no one's going to be happy. Again, she's now under the impression that you're okay with just being friends, that's why she's still talking to you. But you don't want to just be friends, you want her back as your girlfriend. So you need to ask yourself...if she's not going to budge from where she stands, what are you going to get out that situation but more heartache and misery? The answer to that is nothing else but that. She's made her decision, and she's going to move on to someone else. You need to respect her decision, and have respect for yourself by severing all contact now. Defriend her on Facebook, take her number out of your phone, don't take her calls or respond to her texts. You aren't doing this to be cruel to her. You're doing it because you need to get your head on straight and allow your heart time to heal. If she contacts you, unless she's actually willing to discuss a full reconciliation, don't respond to her, period. You need to remember as well...you're only 17, and you have a lifetime ahead of you. Your first love is always the toughest one to get over, and that's why you never forget them. They are bittersweet...trust me, at 38, I'd only just truly fallen in love for the first time in my life, and I've been dating since I was 17. I can't count the number of times where I've endured the pain of a breakup, whether it was minimal or not. Right now I'm steering the course through the roughest one ever, and I'm already moving on. Like I said in my previous response, I was deeply in love with my ex, but he ran because he thought I was too good to be true. I too, thought I could remedy it. But the harder you try, them more you push your goal away from yourself, and cause yourself to be in more pain. It's not worth it, and you're good for that. Implement NC, let her go, and wish her a happy life. You know the old saying...if you love someone, let them go.
Colorless Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Forget all these self help books and how to get your ex back books. They're all BS. Psychology is a far greater source of knowledge than all that, and I'm telling you what it dictates: You want a chance at getting her back? Don't write her a letter. For God's sake you're 17, you two weren't married... here's what you do. Tell her "I can't go on pretending I'm fine with being friends. I want to give things another shot, and if you do too, let me know. Until then, goodbye." Then cut her off 100%. Ignore all texts/calls unless they are what you requested.
radrluv72 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Forget all these self help books and how to get your ex back books. They're all BS. Psychology is a far greater source of knowledge than all that, and I'm telling you what it dictates: You want a chance at getting her back? Don't write her a letter. For God's sake you're 17, you two weren't married... here's what you do. Tell her "I can't go on pretending I'm fine with being friends. I want to give things another shot, and if you do too, let me know. Until then, goodbye." Then cut her off 100%. Ignore all texts/calls unless they are what you requested. Precisely. That's exactly what I did with my ex. Excellente'.
Colorless Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Precisely. That's exactly what I did with my ex. Excellente'. Then clearly you are smart. How did it go? Or was this recent?
radrluv72 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Then clearly you are smart. How did it go? Or was this recent? I'm on day 15 of NC, and yes, in the beginning it was rough, but I've come so much more further than I did when I was still communicating with my ex. I actually feel happy again...I'm sleeping, eating, and not spending every waking hour missing my ex. I do miss him because he was a tremendous person, but he's clearly got insecurity & confidence issues that I can't help him with, and that's what broke us up. He had to go hios own way, and I have to go mine. In the meantime, I've met someone new...just in the talking stages, and he knows all about the situation with my ex. He's been incredibly patient & understanding as I got through my crap. On the flip side of it, now that I'm past most of my hurt, I'm not necessarily waiting, but I don't look forward to if and when my ex might contact me. Chances are that he won't based on the way he acted before I implemented NC (guilty), but I've been a kind of prepare-yourself-for-the-worst type person. If I heard from him today, I honestly don't know what I'd say to him. I don't hate him or dislike him, but my heart is hardened towards him...maybe "numb" would be the proper word. But I stick to the resolve that unless he came to me wanting to reconcile, that would probably be the only scenario that I would speak to him under. Anything less than that, I'm not wasting my time...especially when I've got someone else at my door now, seemingly without any of those issues that my ex had.
PowerOfOne Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I don't hate him or dislike him, but my heart is hardened towards him...maybe "numb" would be the proper word. But I stick to the resolve that unless he came to me wanting to reconcile, that would probably be the only scenario that I would speak to him under. That's exactly what NC has done for me. It's been easier for me than most i suppose. I told her from the breakup that friends was not a good idea and I've heard zip from her.
radrluv72 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 That's exactly what NC has done for me. It's been easier for me than most i suppose. I told her from the breakup that friends was not a good idea and I've heard zip from her. I've only got one ex that I would consider to be a "friend"...a guy that I dated for 4 months back when I was 20 years old. We knew a few people in common and would bump into eachother or say hello through mutual acquaintances over the years, and within the last year we found eachother on Facebook. However, we don't communicate...years later, I still find him to be just about as full of himself as he was back then...kind of funny, really. Yes he's likeable, but every time he quotes himself on his Fb status, I can't help but snicker. But that's just him. As far as all my other exes go, I've only had 2 from the past that attempted to contact me, both of who I either shut down immeadiately or never heard from again after the first time they tried to contact me. All the others...who knows? Frankly, I'm of the opinion that the whole "friends" scenario...especially right after a breakup...is just way too much to ask and too difficult of a transition to make. Maybe I'm just not that emotionally evolved, but if it's done, then leave it as done.
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