readandreply Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 So, my life is screwed up, and I have no one to talk to....I have had a rocky marriage since the beginning. I have been married for 6 years, and started young. I now have 4 beautiful children. I had a 3 year lond affair with a married man, and my youngest is most likely his. Both men know this, but my husband does not want to find out if it is or is not. So we wont....I dont know what is wrong with me....I now find myself attracted to my boss, who is also married with kids, and only recently has he been flirting with me....Im just so confused....I am not happy in my marriage, but feel obligated because...well we have children together....but its so hard. I cannot quit my job because, I am the only source of income, for my family. I could go on complaining, but I just am at a loss for words. I already know that I am an awful person. Its just so depressing..........what do I do? Please read and reply!
TigerCub Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 (edited) So you had an affair and one of your children is possibly the OM's, but your H decided to work thing out with you and not find out if the kid is his or not. But now you're attracted to a new man. It just seems to me that you have your own issues, where you feel the need to be validated by people outside of the M. Did you and your H do any kind of counselling when the A was discovered? If you say that you're unhappy in your M, I'm guessing you 2 didn't come to the root issues that caused the A in the firstplace. Maybe that's something that you need to do. Personally, I think you need Inidvidual therapy to see why you're so unhappy and if there are deeper issues behind this need for validation from other people (I don't mean this to offend - just my theory). I think what you need to do to avoid getting involved with this new man is to think back to how your H reacted when he found out about your A. I'm sure it caused him a lot of pain and heartache. Look, you must have loved you H enough to have children and build a life with him, love him enough to spare him the agony of cheating on him (yet again). If you feel your problems in the M are too much, love him enough to let him go without playing him for a fool. I know that you have children, but that's not an excuse. I always find it amazing when parents who aren't happy together, stay together for the children thinking that its best for them, acting like kids are so stupid they wont ever pick up on the fact that they are in an unhappy and loveless home - Personally I think that causes way more harm to these kids than actually splitting up and being happy around them. (but, I don't have kids - so take my words for whatever you think they're worth) I don't know your full story, but if your H took you back after cheating, don't crush him completely by cheating on him again and teaching him that loving and trying to build a happy life is the stupidest mistake he's ever made. Edited January 14, 2011 by TigerCub
Distant78 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 So, my life is screwed up, and I have no one to talk to....I have had a rocky marriage since the beginning. I have been married for 6 years, and started young. I now have 4 beautiful children. I had a 3 year lond affair with a married man, and my youngest is most likely his. Both men know this, but my husband does not want to find out if it is or is not. So we wont....I dont know what is wrong with me....I now find myself attracted to my boss, who is also married with kids, and only recently has he been flirting with me....Im just so confused....I am not happy in my marriage, but feel obligated because...well we have children together....but its so hard. I cannot quit my job because, I am the only source of income, for my family. I could go on complaining, but I just am at a loss for words. I already know that I am an awful person. Its just so depressing..........what do I do? Please read and reply! Please leave your husband and spare him any future pain. I don't know how can he stay with you after you've treated him like dirt and betrayed him for so long, and with the possibility one or more of the children are not his. He's being a doormat and you still keep cheating so the circle goes around and around. Put this marriage out of it's misery. That's all the advice I have for you and good luck lady.
blizzard Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 It's time for you to go. For everyone involved. You can't keep doing this to him or your children. Look your little angels in the eyes and know they deserve more...a mom that isn't a cheater, and a mom that is happy and full of life. I understand what it's like to live on one income. Fortunately, you are the major source of income so you really shouldn't have much to worry. Your husband needs to find work to take care of his end. It's tough, I understand...but you have to start paving the road to happiness. And really, the OM should know that he has a child in this world. Give him the choice to be apart of it...or not. The child deserves to know this. I am sorry that you are going through this...but I also feel sorry for everyone else involved.
Iconoclast Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 You either. A. Get your S**t together. B. Get a divorce. C. See the guy at work. C. Will irreparably break you. And will just lead to B anyway. If you do, the consequences, and they will be horrendous, will be all your fault. Because, you can make the decision not too right now. B. That one is probably the easiest. A. That's all on your shoulders, but best accomplished by asking your spouse to help you. So do me a favor here. Re-read your first post and pretend it's someone you don't know. What advice would you give to this person? You really need to answer this.
ComputerJock Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Children should have a happy family, but that's not the normal case. I think you and your husband would be happier apart and divorced. You can't keep your legs together when it comes to men outside your marriage, so end it and I thnk you both will be happy. Also IC is a definite need for you.
What_Next Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 I agree with the responses thus far. You obviously have your own personality issues that are causing you to be a serial cheater. Do the right thing and divorce. A child would rather be from a broken home than grow up in one. This is just not right. I am NOT condemning you, most definitely not. You must take this initiative and divorce. If you believe your husband is a good man, then he deserves a faithful wife.
dont-be-naive Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 So, my life is screwed up, and I have no one to talk to....I have had a rocky marriage since the beginning. I have been married for 6 years, and started young. I now have 4 beautiful children. I had a 3 year lond affair with a married man, and my youngest is most likely his. Both men know this, but my husband does not want to find out if it is or is not. So we wont....I dont know what is wrong with me....I now find myself attracted to my boss, who is also married with kids, and only recently has he been flirting with me....Im just so confused....I am not happy in my marriage, but feel obligated because...well we have children together....but its so hard. I cannot quit my job because, I am the only source of income, for my family. I could go on complaining, but I just am at a loss for words. I already know that I am an awful person. Its just so depressing..........what do I do? Please read and reply! well I'd tell you to let your husband go so he can find someone who isn't a serial cheater, and someone who seems to not have a problem wanting and hooking up with married men. But that all depends on what your husband wants. If he wants to cuckold himself and be the husband of a cheating woman, thats his choice. So question is, what is going to happen? Did you and your husband decide that you would stay together? If so, what do you do? STOP ACTING LIKE A SEXUALLY ADDICTED CHEATER. Just STOP!! Thats it pretty much. We are all attracted to other people, but for the love of pete, stop trying to ACT ON IT!! Looks though, as that you aren't fit for marriage. Because this isn't a matter of you having an affair, you seem to want to throw yourself from one man to another. I'd say divorce, but its not our call. If you want to keep your family you are going to have to grow up. Thats it. Maybe get some individual counseling for yourself. If you don't want to do that or leave your job, then you will pretty much have to divorce. Unless you and your husband are ok with him cuckolding himself.
Author readandreply Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Thank you all for your advise. I agree with needing some IC, but just so you know, I dont go out looking to cheat. I only go to and from work. I dont go out to clubs/or places and look for men to cheat on my husband with, thats not my intention. If I go anywhere other than work 9times out of 10 I am with my husband. He is not a bad man, but he's not perfect either. I do spend many nights sleeping by myself, because he falls asleep on the couch. I acknowlege that I am selfish, i guess. Im just feel like somthing is missing, maybe just within myself. I had issues in my childhood, that possibly have made me have these issues I have. Not that it makes what I did ok. I only cheated that once. As for my youngest daughter, the other man does know that he most likely is the father, only thing stopping it is a DNA test which my husband does not want done. Im just tired inside...I do everything I can for my family, I cook and clean, and work. I just think I took on too much too young. I really do try, and I dont go out and look for men.
dont-be-naive Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Thank you all for your advise. I agree with needing some IC, but just so you know, I dont go out looking to cheat. I only go to and from work. I dont go out to clubs/or places and look for men to cheat on my husband with, thats not my intention. 1, it doesn't matter what your intention is or that you don't go out and actively seek it. Its irrelevant. 2, the fact that you don't go looking for it and don't go to places, like clubs, where the environment for cheating is more condusive makes your behavior that much worse. because you don't even need that kind of temptation to cheat. it doesn't take much for you to stray. so I'd really hate to see what happened if you did go to clubs. If I go anywhere other than work 9times out of 10 I am with my husband. He is not a bad man, but he's not perfect either. trying to justify what you are doing now? I do spend many nights sleeping by myself, because he falls asleep on the couch. then you wake him up and tell him to come to bed. I acknowlege that I am selfish, i guess. there is no "i guess" to it. Im just feel like somthing is missing, maybe just within myself. no maybe, it IS within yourself. because your husband has a low metabolism and falls asleep on the couch is not an excuse to cheat, NOTHING is. I only cheated that once. but you would like to again. you have a thing for yet another married man at your work. and since you are crushing on your boss, and you are flirting back and forth with him, you did cheat more than once. its called emotional cheating. I really do try, and I dont go out and look for men. again, that is irrelevant, but makes it all the more worse since it doesn't take much for you to give in and temptation doesn't have to even be rampant for you to fall for it. again, what is it that you and your husband have decided to do? is he comtemplating whether to stay, or is he borderline divorce? if you are to stay married, then you need to start looking for another job. don't care how long it takes, but you keep looking until you find a new one. keep the one you have, but you bust your ass to find another one. if you don't want to do that, then its clear you don't respect your husband, and might as well divorce.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Thank you all for your advise. I agree with needing some IC, but just so you know, I dont go out looking to cheat. I only go to and from work. I dont go out to clubs/or places and look for men to cheat on my husband with, thats not my intention. If I go anywhere other than work 9times out of 10 I am with my husband. He is not a bad man, but he's not perfect either. I do spend many nights sleeping by myself, because he falls asleep on the couch. I acknowlege that I am selfish, i guess. Im just feel like somthing is missing, maybe just within myself. I had issues in my childhood, that possibly have made me have these issues I have. Not that it makes what I did ok. I only cheated that once. As for my youngest daughter, the other man does know that he most likely is the father, only thing stopping it is a DNA test which my husband does not want done. Im just tired inside...I do everything I can for my family, I cook and clean, and work. I just think I took on too much too young. I really do try, and I dont go out and look for men. You are too focused on making excuses. Just accept what you have done wrong and work to correct them. Why does it matter where you find a guy to cheat with? Most other women cheat with guys from work too? Is that supposed to make it better? If you sit around and focus on all your regrets, that will be the only thing your left with in the end. I had to sacrifice my entire social life when I was a teen, so that I could help ensure myself a better future. Yeah it sucked and it was too much too young, but I don't dwell on it.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Married 6 years only..and have 4 children already? Seriously..how do you even find the time to cheat with 4 little mouths to feed and clean up after?
Iconoclast Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 So do me a favor here. Re-read your first post and pretend it's someone you don't know. What advice would you give to this person? You really need to answer this. C'mon already. I'm waiting. It will be good for you to do this.
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