josyjosy Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 So my ex and i have a class together this semester. We work at the same place too. First day of class we were both shocked to see each other in the same class but we ended up sitting next to each other (long story). We talked during class and after class and it felt good. It felt normal. Thats how it always been with us. We would see each other around campus or whatever and it's awkward. We would just smile and walk away. But when we do get the chance to talk, we talk like normal. Anyway, after class i asked him if he wants me to save him a seat in class and he said yeah. Finally class day came and i asked him if he still want me to save him a seat. I feel that i made rejecting me easy for him. He said "no its okay." he said it in such a way thats making it seem like "oh no, u dont have to" almost like i dont have to do him a favor. I felt really rejected by that and i know the very reason why he doesnt want to sit next to me. He does have a gf now and i understand that. Anyway, i told him okay and in class, we sat opposite of each other and it hurts like hell. I felt like i was dying in the class. One thing though is that i dont really NEED this class. Im only taking it because it is a requirement for another class i want to take next semester. So now i am contemplating in dropping the class. I wouldnt say im dropping the class because of him because the class is a lot of work to begin with and i already have a lot of things that i need to focus on but of course, him being there was part of the reason. Whenever we see each other at work, we just smile. In the beginning i would initiate talking to him but i stopped. Its been months since we last talked until we saw each other in class. I approached him a few times at work to ask something about the class and he seem so cold and distant. I felt so hurt that i told myself no more. Then we had a chance to talk again normally before he leaves work and we were talking like normal again. Today was rough. He initiated talking to me at work and it felt good. Dont get me wrong, it doesnt get my hopes up at all whenever we talk because he is a very loyal guy and he seems so in love with his gf so i know they wont be breaking up. At least not anytime soon. I rarely see him walking around campus though and today i saw him a couple of times. The first time he seemed like he was in a rush and i felt hurt. Btw, whenever i say hurt, i dont mean for it to be like he's intentionally hurting me but because of our situation and me being the dumpee, it hurts me that he treats me like a nobody. Anyway, the second time i saw him today, he didnt even stop. I was talking about something and he just smiled and continued walking. I felt so stupid and embarrassed. Why is he so cold and distant?? I understand he has a gf and that there has to be boundaries and i respect that. But the thing is that, i feel that we can never even have a casual conversation. I mean sometimes when i see him, i have to ask myself, am i even allowed to smile at this person? I am not at all trying to be his close friend. I dont want to. Im not ready to hear about him and his gf and i need my distance too. Im not even really trying to be friends with him either. I just want us to be able to be casual with each other. I know it sounds like me initiating talking to him is that i want him back. Im not gonna deny that i still love him and have feelings for him and wish he's my bf but im not pathetic to force myself to someone who doesnt want to be with me. Sometimes i just really miss talking to him as a person. I know what my intentions are and im not planning on homewrecking his new relationship. I just hate myself so much because i know its my fault. Im the one that puts myself in a position so that he can act cold. I am so angry at him but whenever i see him, the anger goes away. I feel that the coldness hes giving me, im the one whos supposed to be doing that. He broke my heart and hurt me. But guess what? I keep letting this guy hurt me over and over and over. After today, i felt like im forcing myself to him not even as a friend but even as a person. The way he acts towards me whenever i talk to him make me feel like im desperate. Im just so hurt the way he treats me. I wanna make him feel what he's making me feel. It's easy for him to not care and to let me go even as a person because he has a gf. I feel that im getting all the suffering in this story and it's so unfair. I wish it could be easy for me to be cold to him and ignore him.
twinrexes Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Drop the class. Consider getting a different job. And quit torturing yourself. You've proven to yourself that you can't handle seeing him and LC isn't working. So go NC and stay that way. Don't expect to be able to be friendly with an ex until at least a year, maybe several years have gone by and you've completely moved on in life and love.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Y'know what... You Neeeeeeeeeeed to go through those exact motions... of daily repetition of perhaps encountering him, and perhaps not encountering him, and NOT really letting it matter which transpires. Of course life would be easier if he were sent to Portland, Maine and you were sent to Portland, Oregon... then you'd never have to be prepared for those times when you might run into him. But if you work near one another, and remain in the same general area, it needs to be rehearsed over and over again that you encounter one another along the path somewhere, and you neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to let it become a familiar situation, so that it won't affect you so much, and so that you can begin to look forward at the rest of your life with some optimism. In due time a random guy will catch your eye and you too will have new and exciting prospects demanding your attention. I think letting yourself go through these motions in the present is the very best rehearsal for your future.
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