from ND Posted March 20, 2004 Posted March 20, 2004 I am devasted. i recently hopped a train to washington state from the midwest , because my girlfriend cheated. i wanted to show her i meant business, when i said i would leave her if she ever cheated. I know i hurt her back, but now I regret leaving, i miss her. shes the one who cheated on ME. i sent her seashells from out here as kind of a peace gesture, and she called my voicemail, and told me never to speak to her again. I been reading these forums, and after reading, i see there are evil girlfriends in alot of relationships not just mine, for 1, the chick had 5 kids, was still married, was sleeping w her boss for money, writing to her ex husband, and probably had a nother guy on the side, she sounded deeply hurt on the phone after she figured out my whereabouts, do you think she is in as much pain, or do people have no guilt when they cheat. part of me misses her dearly and loves her, the other part jhopes she gets what she deserves, does thismean im healing?
jenny Posted March 20, 2004 Posted March 20, 2004 i think you are healing. but it's going to be bad, for a long time. when you start to get really pissed off, you are moving on. do you know about the stages of loss and grief? i'll look up a link for you in a bit, or you can google it yourself: stages of grief. o, here we go. i don't know how great it is, but it's a start. http://www.york-united-kingdom.co.uk/funerals/grief/ now, this is talking about death, but what you have experienced is like a death; and getting away from the situation is an excellent start. kudos to you on your bravery for that - you are starting to make a tragedy into an oppurtunity, even an adventure, and that's very cool. it is going to take longer because it was such a dysfunctional break-up, as well, but hopefully you'll soon begin to feel relief that monster is out of your life. think about the great life you have ahead of you: drama free, disease free, ex-free. i would say the contact free rule is probably a good idea in your case; and hopefully you'll find some great friends in your area that can help. after my ex and i broke up, i moved to another part of the province, and spent literally months hiding in the library until i could face humanity again. not quite as cool as train-hopping, but it worked for me. the general rule i have heard is that healing generally takes about half the time you spent on the relationship, but that is just a rule of thumb. i'll tell you the things my friends told me, but you probably won't want to hear them right now. 1. go to the gym, or go running, tomorrow. no excuses, just do it. exhaustion really helps the time go by and the brain from obsessing. so does drinking, of course, but that will hurt you more in the long run. 2. keep going with the extreme activities and travelling. go parasailing; go rock-climbing; go hunting. do all the stuff you wanted to before, but were so distracted by your addled girlfriend to do so. 3. live however you want. you are living for yourself now. be a self-made man who dictates his sucess. her behaviour is only a reflection of herself, not of you. if you are the type who likes to read, go in for some 'art of war' 'self-reliance' and almost anything by nietzsche to begin rethinking who you can be as a man, as a person. you *do not* have to let her actions determine you. 4. let your friends take you out. don't complain to them, but let them get you hammered occasionally, lap-danced, and distracted as often as you need.
gaia Posted March 20, 2004 Posted March 20, 2004 I've read some of your other posts as well. From your accounts, this girl sounds as if she has no qualms about cheating (with several men at once, by the sound of it) and it feels to me like she enjoys having all the power in this relationship. Good for you for leaving. Why would you want to go back? You, yourself, describe her as "evil". She has given you so much pain. Do you really think she's going to change? Don't chase her. Don't send peace gestures. Leave her to it. If she cares and is truly sorry, she'll contact you. Let her grovel for a change. I know it's hard when you love someone and the easiest thing to stop the immediate pain is to go straight back. But if you stay away, you'll heal fairly quickly. If you go back, you'll have new miseries thrust upon you. If I were you I'd get over her first, then find yourself a better woman. Hell, it won't be hard!
Author from ND Posted March 20, 2004 Author Posted March 20, 2004 hey yeah, you guys are opening my eyes, her actions are a reflection of herself, thats true.....Im the one who left, so thats a reflection of me. I wasnt happy, and.....she can only change HERSELF, right?
Author from ND Posted March 20, 2004 Author Posted March 20, 2004 so is it safe to write a letter letting out how i feel, or just say forget her....?
gaia Posted March 20, 2004 Posted March 20, 2004 I'd be inclined to leave her be. If you must write a letter, don't give her any reason to think you want her back. If you can't manage that, don't write.
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