Author daphne Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Same here. After the first date with my now bf, I already knew I didn't want to date anyone else (even though at the time I had no idea if he even liked me). I canceled all the other dates I already had lined up. To go on another date would have felt like cheating *to me*. Great song in your signature btw. I don't feel like I'm cheating. I feel like a sucker when I don't exercise my options and the guy is. And they almost all do online. Even off line. It's just harder to know off line. At what point do you cancel the other dates? After one date with a guy that you don't know if it'll work out? That seems a bit soon in my book.
Author daphne Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 I think that's great that things are going well with #1. I don't doubt he'll prefer to monopolize your company. Best wishes This is what is nagging at me. He didn't ask to see me again on the date as he's done in the past. I haven't heard from him either. He usually doesn't go very long without contact. I guess he's busy dating others.
Author daphne Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 I never heard back from #1. It's very odd, given our last conversation but it happens. 5 days to go without calling someone is a pretty definite sign that it's time to move on. I guess there was a sign that made me uncomfortable but I brushed it away. He mentioned he wouldn't be seeing me for a few days, and didn't ask me out for the next time as he usually did. Anyone has the right to change their mind at any time. Better earlier than later.
welikeincrowds Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I don't feel guilty. I feel like I'm doing my part to not put all of my needs on one guy when neither of us is sure of what we want from this. daphne, this is ****ing genius. You've illuminated a problem I've been having. I couldn't stop focusing on some negative thoughts, because I couldn't come up with an answer about "what went (a.k.a. what I did) wrong" -- and this was it. Thank you for living a healthy life.
Imajerk17 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 (edited) I never heard back from #1. It's very odd, given our last conversation but it happens. 5 days to go without calling someone is a pretty definite sign that it's time to move on. I guess there was a sign that made me uncomfortable but I brushed it away. He mentioned he wouldn't be seeing me for a few days, and didn't ask me out for the next time as he usually did. Anyone has the right to change their mind at any time. Better earlier than later. I'm not sure I agree though. You never know. Five days is long but it isn't that long. Have *you* tried contacting him since? Yes, I get that women don't like to take the initiative and contact guys early on. You and Guy #1 have gone on several dates though, surely you can initiate this one time? No one is telling you to make a fool of yourself, but a couple of times a girl has won out with me by showing just a little more interest... Edited January 20, 2011 by Imajerk17
Mad Max Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 No one is telling you to make a fool of yourself, but a couple of times a girl has won out with me by showing just a little more interest... Agreed. I will take off if I see communication is becoming one sided.
Imajerk17 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Agreed. I will take off if I see communication is becoming one sided. Yes. If we are moving towards a relationship, it has to feel that way, in that the woman has to show that she is invested too. I'm happy if she takes my call for the second date, but by the fifth, she has to be calling me too.
Star Gazer Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Because I used to do that and I have found that I am alone in this approach. I don't like sitting around knowing that I'm waiting on the guy while he's out having fun with other girls. I much prefer putting him in the background until we get to know each other better and he wants to get more serious. Fair enough.
Author daphne Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 I'm not sure I agree though. You never know. Five days is long but it isn't that long. Have *you* tried contacting him since? Yes, I get that women don't like to take the initiative and contact guys early on. You and Guy #1 have gone on several dates though, surely you can initiate this one time? No one is telling you to make a fool of yourself, but a couple of times a girl has won out with me by showing just a little more interest... It's interesting when people make assumptions. I was the last to initiate conversation. When a guy doesn't call, he ain't interested. Or he's laid up in a hospital somewhere, but I saw that he was online at some point this week so he's not there.
Author daphne Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 daphne, this is ****ing genius. You've illuminated a problem I've been having. I couldn't stop focusing on some negative thoughts, because I couldn't come up with an answer about "what went (a.k.a. what I did) wrong" -- and this was it. Thank you for living a healthy life. Thank you. Not genius. Just trying different things so I don't get caught up in the wrong guy. I've spent years looking back that has gotten me to this place of being single so long. Being happy in the moment and moving forward if things don't work out has been one of the best things that happened to me.
Author daphne Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 On top of it, he brought up a gift that he got me in Paris which would make me feel ****ty not to respond to. It was a thoughtful gift. Ass clown.
Imajerk17 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 OK, he got you a thoughtful gift and he finally got back to you. Six days is a little long but not ridiculous. So the problem is what... ?
Author daphne Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 OK, he got you a thoughtful gift and he finally got back to you. Six days is a little long but not ridiculous. So the problem is what... ? We're not in a relationship, we're dating. It's essentially waving a white flag and saying I'm ok if you lose interest because mine's already dropping. When the guy runs the risk of dropping off for too long, it means he doesn't care that much about losing it. Or that I'm not on his mind. So why should I care that he's back? I didn't sign up for indifference.
Imajerk17 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 We're not in a relationship, we're dating. It's essentially waving a white flag and saying I'm ok if you lose interest because mine's already dropping. When the guy runs the risk of dropping off for too long, it means he doesn't care that much about losing it. Or that I'm not on his mind. So why should I care that he's back? I didn't sign up for indifference. I getcha, but I'm still not sure I agree. Maybe he was in Paris for the past week? My take is that you don't know what his story is.
Imajerk17 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 We're not in a relationship, we're dating. It's essentially waving a white flag and saying I'm ok if you lose interest because mine's already dropping. When the guy runs the risk of dropping off for too long, it means he doesn't care that much about losing it. Or that I'm not on his mind. So why should I care that he's back? I didn't sign up for indifference. I getcha, but I'm still not sure I agree. Maybe he was in Paris for the past week? Maybe he needed to get some perspective. 6 days just isn't that long. My take is that you don't know what his story is.
elaina Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) Since I've been dating for some time, I have learned not to put all of my eggs in one basket. Anyone has a right to change their mind at any point for whatever reason. It's best to know earlier on. Good question. I think I multi-date because I've always dated one at a time and found out way too late that the guy wasn't right for me. I've wasted a lot of time on relationships this way. I don't want to get too invested with one guy before I realize that we're not right for each other. Multi-dating stops me from focusing on one guy too much or moving too fast into a relationship, and lets me see a lot of different guys taht I might be attracted to/interested in to figure out what I really need. Also, it sucks being the one sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring when they're not. For me that would be really hard to do but how you explain it does make sense thanks! I tried dating 2 guys at the same time before and it didn't work out very well lol. Maybe multidating is not for some people, but yeah I understand it's not fun wasting time or being stuck wondering what's going on. Edited January 21, 2011 by elaina
Imajerk17 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) and I think you're being tough in a way that will not serve you. I get the intention to protect yourself, but it seems that a lot of women are writing guys off for small things that are much less important than they are making them out to be. And because the way these women are screening is so ineffective, these women still end up having to deal with much more serious issues later on. My point is that going 6 days between contacts once isn't that big a deal. We're not in a relationship, we're dating. It's essentially waving a white flag and saying I'm ok if you lose interest because mine's already dropping. When the guy runs the risk of dropping off for too long, it means he doesn't care that much about losing it. Or that I'm not on his mind. So why should I care that he's back? I didn't sign up for indifference. Edited January 21, 2011 by Imajerk17
carhill Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 IMO, any woman who can attract multiple men without having sex is likely a high value (perceptively) woman. If the OP has numerous men on her dating roster, she can afford to be 'tough' wrt aspects of dating which are important to her. A man will likely come along who matches up with what she wants and she with what he wants and then synergy will develop and a relationship will begin. While perhaps from a different perspective, I discontinue women who appear, whether from actions or words or both, to be too 'busy' to remain in consistent and/or proactive contact, a style (proactive and consistent) which I exemplify with my actions and words. For my relationship and dating 'style', this indicates low interest. They may disagree. It's simple incompatibility. Even without a full dating roster, I prefer to invest in people who match up in a healthy way for me. No animals are harmed and life goes on.
Imajerk17 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) carhill, I agree with your first paragraph, to an extent. I'm sure daphne has her share of choices, especially online. But there's such a thing as being unreasonable/unrealistic. I've seen a lot of women online who apparently have been looking, for a year. From seeing their profiles and pictures, I can't imagine them not getting tons of offers. But there they are, a year later, still on Match, still looking. What's up with that? I also have read so many posts and threads on here by women who appear to be sought after, but who end up in these horrible relationships/dating situations. It's clear that their methods of filtering in and filtering out guys just isn't working. They are weeding out good guys for something that's actually trivial, and they are overlooking some serious red flags of the guys who are just all wrong for them. Now if daphne's guy #1 had *consistently* gone 6 days without contact, then yes. But just this one time? I'm not sure how this means he would be a bad partner. Especially since he got her a gift too. Edited January 21, 2011 by Imajerk17
sumdude Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I believe there are some pitfalls to multi dating. Particularly if two people are on each others multi date roster. If the timing is off and you're both on the wrong schedule you' might both perceive each other as having low interest.
carhill Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 If sticking to strict schedules, timing could definitely be a problem; however, IME, when *both* people perceive chemistry and a 'connection', that schedule gets blown up like it didn't exist. For our OP, if #1's interest had matched up with her expectations, and vice-versa, all other potentials would quickly be forgotten, with varying levels of disclosure. IME, women usually just 'disappear'. Only rarely will they say they've 'met someone else'. I never saw it as a negative, rather just part of dating.
Imajerk17 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) If sticking to strict schedules, timing could definitely be a problem; however, IME, when *both* people perceive chemistry and a 'connection', that schedule gets blown up like it didn't exist. For our OP, if #1's interest had matched up with her expectations, and vice-versa, all other potentials would quickly be forgotten, with varying levels of disclosure. IME, women usually just 'disappear'. Only rarely will they say they've 'met someone else'. I never saw it as a negative, rather just part of dating. Well, 3 weeks without contact=yes, something aint right. 6 days once=keep your eyes open but don't write things off just yet. If this guy is worth having, he probably is able to have chemistry with more than one woman. Just as a desirable woman can be hard to pin down. I know this is getting off-topic, but this is what I have been noticing. There seems to be this set of unrealistic expectations with OLD that chemistry is the be-all end-all, and when you meet that one special person, you'll know after one date, and all others will disappear. Edited January 21, 2011 by Imajerk17
carhill Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I dated women long before the commercial internet existed and can assure you that similar precepts of chemistry and connection were clearly motivational factors during that era, and I trust throughout time, respective of societal precepts. Wait until grandma gets a little demented and the filters go away and she starts talking about 'the old days' and things grandpa never knew. Yep. In dating, what causes one potential to rise above the rest? Accepting that it is, especially if one is universally attractive, possible to 'create' or 'feel' chemistry with many, inevitably one rises to the top for any monogamous person. Somehow, that synergy obviates all others. If the OP had such synergy with #1 and their styles were/are compatible, then this multi-dating tangle would have morphed into the wonderful new romance thread. Have they ever or would they ever have such synergy and compatibility? Perhaps. Apparently, not right now, at this moment. This is 'timing'. With a different attraction and relationship style, the delay in contact by #1 might have not mattered and a whole different dynamic would be in place. Only the OP knows for sure what her truth is. Everything else is just interesting discussion.
Author daphne Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 I getcha, but I'm still not sure I agree. Maybe he was in Paris for the past week? Maybe he needed to get some perspective. 6 days just isn't that long. My take is that you don't know what his story is. No. When he was in Paris, of course he called/texted daily or every other day. It's just when he's here and has time off of work that I don't hear from him.
Author daphne Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 For me that would be really hard to do but how you explain it does make sense thanks! I tried dating 2 guys at the same time before and it didn't work out very well lol. Maybe multidating is not for some people, but yeah I understand it's not fun wasting time or being stuck wondering what's going on. You can't do it for too long. People get attached and aren't going to be cool with it. But it keeps you from setting too heavy of expectations and pressure on a guy before he may be ready. Or even you may be ready.
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