Author daphne Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 #2 has called again. Not sure I want to continue seeing him. I don't know that there's enough chemistry for a match. #1 and I have gone out again. Something seems off right now. Maybe because of my reservations about the age difference, maybe because the kiss wasn't as good as I had imagined. Not sure. But he's a sweetie so I gotta spend more time with him and see. He's attentive and that makes me pretty happy. I may have to teach him a little confidence in kissing tho.
oaks Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I have a month until Valentine's day to figure things out then, I guess. I think it would be awkward to be multi dating by then. I'm thinking the same... I need to work out which women I don't want to continue seeing before then, and then find the right way to tell them. Of course they might make the choice for me before then, too, so I hope there's still one left by Valentine's day!
Author daphne Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 I'm thinking the same... I need to work out which women I don't want to continue seeing before then, and then find the right way to tell them. Of course they might make the choice for me before then, too, so I hope there's still one left by Valentine's day! You'd better hope it's your favorite!
Author daphne Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 It's amazing how fast things can turn into nothing, even after a guy expresses a high interest level. I'm realizing the true benefits of multi-dating. Fickle men. Or people. I wonder if my #1 is realizing this too. I must admit that meeting other guys, and having some flake or act like they're women has made him even better in my eyes. He's much more solid and humble. And sweeter.
Cee Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I no longer believe that online dating is about screening through multiple decent candidates to find the best one. Rather it is swatting away the majority of unsuitable candidates to be able to see the one or two that are sincere and genuine.
Author daphne Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 I no longer believe that online dating is about screening through multiple decent candidates to find the best one. Rather it is swatting away the majority of unsuitable candidates to be able to see the one or two that are sincere and genuine. But isn't that real world dating as well? We can just swat them away a lot faster on first glance as opposed to getting excited at prospects with 10 year old photos who are married.
Author daphne Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Feeling a little overwhelmed and weirded out about the amount/type of attention I've been getting. 1 of my contractors asked me to go eat lunch with him after we went looking for fixtures for a renovation I'm doing. This is not common. It was weird that he kept trying to figure out if I was dating the guy who kept texting me from France. In a separate situation, while I was on a date with my #1 the other night, a guy I knew 15 years ago was there. Later he facebooked me asking me if I'd like to grab dinner and casual sex. This, was repulsive. He should have asked himself this while looking in the mirror. I remember the guy as a dysfunctional, misogynist, creepy guy. I should have never accepted his "benign" fb friend request months ago. I told #1 about the first guy, as I tried to figure out if I should continue a business relationship with someone that appeared to be interested in more. I didn't tell him what the second guy asked, because I don't want him to get any ideas. And for some reason, I'm not feeling as confident in his interest level as I was in the past. Not sure why.
hearttobreak Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 So I dated 3 in the last week. Just way too hard to juggle. I know I have some feelings for one, and was starting to develop some for another. So I just went back I am now just focusing on one. If I loose it, then so be it. But the multidating is too expensive in time and money. Plus, the guilt factor, as I do know the one I am focusing on is not dating anyone else. So, I felt really really guilty. Cheating almost.
hearttobreak Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Feeling a little overwhelmed and weirded out about the amount/type of attention I've been getting. 1 of my contractors asked me to go eat lunch with him after we went looking for fixtures for a renovation I'm doing. This is not common. It was weird that he kept trying to figure out if I was dating the guy who kept texting me from France. In a separate situation, while I was on a date with my #1 the other night, a guy I knew 15 years ago was there. Later he facebooked me asking me if I'd like to grab dinner and casual sex. This, was repulsive. He should have asked himself this while looking in the mirror. I remember the guy as a dysfunctional, misogynist, creepy guy. I should have never accepted his "benign" fb friend request months ago. I told #1 about the first guy, as I tried to figure out if I should continue a business relationship with someone that appeared to be interested in more. I didn't tell him what the second guy asked, because I don't want him to get any ideas. And for some reason, I'm not feeling as confident in his interest level as I was in the past. Not sure why. Amazing. He's probably bi-polar or something.
Author daphne Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 So I dated 3 in the last week. Just way too hard to juggle. I know I have some feelings for one, and was starting to develop some for another. So I just went back I am now just focusing on one. If I loose it, then so be it. But the multidating is too expensive in time and money. Plus, the guilt factor, as I do know the one I am focusing on is not dating anyone else. So, I felt really really guilty. Cheating almost. Lol. That's too many in one week, imo. I just did 2. Ruled out the other guy. Ruled out a few other guys to get it down to 3 left. One wrote back and apologized for the delay so now I have to figure out if I want to increase my number again. It's exhausting and time consuming. I don't feel guilty. I feel like I'm doing my part to not put all of my needs on one guy when neither of us is sure of what we want from this.
Imajerk17 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Out of curiosity, why did you rule out the other guy? Sounds that you had a good time with him... I'm asking for selfish reasons too. I am online dating. I wonder what goes on through the minds of women after a first date. I can't tell you how many "very good" first dates that didn't lead to seconds.
Author daphne Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Out of curiosity, why did you rule out the other guy? Sounds that you had a good time with him... I'm asking for selfish reasons too. I am online dating. I wonder what goes on through the minds of women after a first date. I can't tell you how many "very good" first dates that didn't lead to seconds. I did have a good time with him. However, when I thought about it I realized I didn't feel enough chemistry to pursue it. Plus, I do feel chemistry with the other guy that makes me want to rule anyone out that doesn't make me feel the same way or close.
Imajerk17 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 I did have a good time with him. However, when I thought about it I realized I didn't feel enough chemistry to pursue it. Plus, I do feel chemistry with the other guy that makes me want to rule anyone out that doesn't make me feel the same way or close. Thanks. That said, what exactly do you mean by "chemistry"? Not trying to grill, but I am curious. Women seem to use that word a lot whereas most guys tend to care mostly if we had a good time with you and you are his type physically (a bit of an exaggeration but you get the point). I mean, it's really hard to tell someone's personality and if two people really be compatible after only one date...
Author daphne Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Thanks. That said, what exactly do you mean by "chemistry"? Not trying to grill, but I am curious. Women seem to use that word a lot whereas most guys tend to care mostly if we had a good time with you and you are his type physically (a bit of an exaggeration but you get the point). I mean, it's really hard to tell someone's personality and if two people really be compatible after only one date... It's that feeling when you first meet them, and after talking to them where you know you want to have sex with them. At least I think that's what we mean by chemistry. I don't want to have sex with this guy. He was fun, funny and attractive but ultimately he's not my type if I don't want to have sex with him. Who knows. Maybe it was the extra holiday pounds. I doubt it though.
carhill Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Lucky girl. I've never met a woman in my entire life whom I've wanted to have sex with upon first meeting. Guess I better head to the shop for some rewiring. I think, at the height of multi-dating, many years ago, I was doing three dates a day. It was like an assembly line. I found such a dynamic dampened the potential for intimacy, which is an essential part of attraction for myself. After realizing that, I quit it. Imajerk17, women will often find you attractive, have a wonderful time with you and nothing ever comes of it. I know this as a therapist to women. They can still be attached to an ex, banging the boss, on their period, feeling fat, having a fight with a girlfriend or a myriad of other things which preclude that flow of hormones which signal chemistry. This is called 'timing'. If it ain't there, it ain't there and, if my life experience is any guide, it ain't coming back. As the OP has so clearly related, since a typical woman is deluged with both crass and polite requests for her company, she need not re-visit for a second look those which don't float her boat on first blush. It is what it is. This is not an absolute but is predominantly the impression I've taken away as a man who dates women and was married to one as well as being a 'friend' to many. YMMV
Author daphne Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Lucky girl. I've never met a woman in my entire life whom I've wanted to have sex with upon first meeting. Guess I better head to the shop for some rewiring. Never? I thought that's how guys figure out within minutes whether they want to pursue a relationship. I agree that there are other things that could be going on. I think in my case I just happen to like #1 better and want to narrow down my options, not increase them unnecessarily. I don't want to be multi dating forever. But I'm adjusting to this environment since I am outdated and out numbered by those who do. Plus, it's actually kinda fun when there are good options.
carhill Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 "Never" sounds like an unreasonable absolute but I stand by it. Like my exW said, I'm 'not normal'. Recently, I had occasion to test this nuance with someone who is, by LS standards, very attractive. It wasn't until, after substantial time, interaction and intimacy, that I started 'feeling' anything. I let it happen just to test the theory. She sees me as a friend and I see her as a daughter, excepting this one small departure. I think multi-dating is helpful in quickly identifying potentials for further, singular dating, based on the criteria one uses, as an example your description of 'chemistry'. If you can date three people in one day and quickly assess chemistry like you do, that's wonderfully time-efficient, then spend future time narrowing down those with whom you do sense chemistry. I will say, having been a bit battle-hardened by MW's who have used the 'I feel chemistry' or 'I feel a connection' with me to Hoover validation and/or other selfish goals, I've become a bit jaded by all that chemistry stuff. Too many years of it, especially when an ostensibly 'single' woman turns out to be not so single. The cool thing about multi-dating is that you can stop at any time, focus on one man, like your guy #1, and, if no joy, return to multi-. It's totally flexible. Hope it works out
Author daphne Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 "Never" sounds like an unreasonable absolute but I stand by it. Like my exW said, I'm 'not normal'. Recently, I had occasion to test this nuance with someone who is, by LS standards, very attractive. It wasn't until, after substantial time, interaction and intimacy, that I started 'feeling' anything. I let it happen just to test the theory. She sees me as a friend and I see her as a daughter, excepting this one small departure. I think multi-dating is helpful in quickly identifying potentials for further, singular dating, based on the criteria one uses, as an example your description of 'chemistry'. If you can date three people in one day and quickly assess chemistry like you do, that's wonderfully time-efficient, then spend future time narrowing down those with whom you do sense chemistry. I will say, having been a bit battle-hardened by MW's who have used the 'I feel chemistry' or 'I feel a connection' with me to Hoover validation and/or other selfish goals, I've become a bit jaded by all that chemistry stuff. Too many years of it, especially when an ostensibly 'single' woman turns out to be not so single. The cool thing about multi-dating is that you can stop at any time, focus on one man, like your guy #1, and, if no joy, return to multi-. It's totally flexible. Hope it works out I've already figured you for a more evolved male, car. But even as a female, it doesn't take that long to determine these things. I guess I'm not.. I wonder if she's a LS'er? I hear you about the throwing around the use of "connection." I use chemistry for a lack of better term. Connection to me, indicates some cheesy Hollywood romcom that tells us that we can sleep together instantly, fall in love and even though one of us cheated on the other with our best friend/their ex/a monkey can still end up Happily Ever After. You're right. I can stop multi dating at any point. I'll more than likely go exclusive if #1 asks for it. But not a moment before.
carhill Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 My use of the term 'connection' is shorthand for 'emotional and spiritual connection' which is exclusive of sexual attraction. When you say 'chemistry', you clearly mean, at least by my read, sexual attraction. I denote this boundary clearly within my own mind as, for example, when embracing a woman, the difference between thinking 'I love having this wonderful person in my life' and 'I want to f*ck her right now'. I think that's great that things are going well with #1. I don't doubt he'll prefer to monopolize your company. Best wishes
oaks Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 So I dated 3 in the last week. Just way too hard to juggle. I know I have some feelings for one, and was starting to develop some for another. So I just went back I am now just focusing on one. If I loose it, then so be it. But the multidating is too expensive in time and money. Plus, the guilt factor, as I do know the one I am focusing on is not dating anyone else. So, I felt really really guilty. Cheating almost. I agree that it can be expensive and time consuming. I just had 6 dates in the last 8 days with 4 people (a mixture of coffee/lunch/dinner/movie, so some cheaper than others), which isn't sustainable on my time/wallet/stomach but then again 2 of those people I won't be seeing again so the next week should be quieter. I don't think you need to feel guilty if you aren't deceiving anybody. Just going on a few dates with someone doesn't mean that you can't see other people. I'm never sure of the best way to discuss multi-dating with my dates (suggestions welcome!) although one woman raised the topic herself on a recent date so it's all in the open with her rather than just being assumed.
Star Gazer Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 You're right. I can stop multi dating at any point. I'll more than likely go exclusive if #1 asks for it. But not a moment before. Can I ask why? I'm asking because I used to do the same thing, but after a while I realized that I somehow felt like I was cheating...if only on my own feelings. Once there's someone I want to be exclusive with, I stop dating others, even if we haven't had 'the talk' yet. I figure, why continue dating other guys who don't make me as excited as the guy I really, really like?
OceanGirl Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Can I ask why? I'm asking because I used to do the same thing, but after a while I realized that I somehow felt like I was cheating...if only on my own feelings. Once there's someone I want to be exclusive with, I stop dating others, even if we haven't had 'the talk' yet. I figure, why continue dating other guys who don't make me as excited as the guy I really, really like? Same here. After the first date with my now bf, I already knew I didn't want to date anyone else (even though at the time I had no idea if he even liked me). I canceled all the other dates I already had lined up. To go on another date would have felt like cheating *to me*.
Author daphne Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 When you say 'chemistry', you clearly mean, at least by my read, sexual attraction. Well, I was somewhat joking. It also means some sort of similarity and good vibe. Can I relate to this guy, in a basic core value kind of way. Do I feel I can trust him and do I even like him as a person. Does he feel like a part of my tribe. Plus, is he hot? Not necessarily in that order.
Author daphne Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 I agree that it can be expensive and time consuming. I just had 6 dates in the last 8 days with 4 people (a mixture of coffee/lunch/dinner/movie, so some cheaper than others), which isn't sustainable on my time/wallet/stomach but then again 2 of those people I won't be seeing again so the next week should be quieter. I don't think you need to feel guilty if you aren't deceiving anybody. Just going on a few dates with someone doesn't mean that you can't see other people. I'm never sure of the best way to discuss multi-dating with my dates (suggestions welcome!) although one woman raised the topic herself on a recent date so it's all in the open with her rather than just being assumed. I don't know that I can give you great advice on how to broach it. The last guy I went out with I just blurted it out. I was being honest. I had to tell a couple of guys that I might have gone out with that I was overwhelmed. He asked "how many guys are you dating?" I blushed and changed the subject.
Author daphne Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Can I ask why? I'm asking because I used to do the same thing, but after a while I realized that I somehow felt like I was cheating...if only on my own feelings. Once there's someone I want to be exclusive with, I stop dating others, even if we haven't had 'the talk' yet. I figure, why continue dating other guys who don't make me as excited as the guy I really, really like? Because I used to do that and I have found that I am alone in this approach. I don't like sitting around knowing that I'm waiting on the guy while he's out having fun with other girls. I much prefer putting him in the background until we get to know each other better and he wants to get more serious.
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