Miss_G Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Sorry if you have read this before, I've posted on other forums. I finished with my ex 4 months ago. In this time there have been periods of NC, although we have had to have minimal contact because of our child, and there have been periods of 'working on things'. We have been out on dates, talked about our relationship (although he was always reluctant), had heart-to-hearts and done a lot of talking via the internet. We went out about 4 weeks ago for tea. I began talking about our relationship, got upset and my ex hugged me and said he missed me and loved me but that things weren't sorted to get back together. After that he went cold and we barely spoke. I went out with my friends just over a week later and one said she had heard he was dating someone else. I called him and we argued. He told me everything I had done wrong in our relationship before calming and tell me he was still in love with me and was not 'done' with our relationship. He also said he was seeing no one. We spoke the next day, hugged and decided everything was cool between us. He was ill the next week and conversation was slow. Then, once again, I hear reports of him messaging someone else. He again denied it and told me that not believing him was going to get us nowhere. I said he didn't seem that bothered about me. He never replied (this was via text). We barely spoke, only about our son, for the next 2 weeks. I had finally had enough told him I wanted to know what was going on. I told him to decide whether he was still working on things or had given up. He said nothing for days. I confronted him via the internet last night and he said that he doesn't think we can make things better but that he'll never stop loving me. He said I was trying to paint him as the bad guy making him say that he was completely done so I could tell people he ended it. He has now heard reports that I am seeing a bloke we both know. I am not and told him this. I don't even own this person's mobile number! He said he doesn't care what I do, I'm a free spirit. He told me he was stopping the conversation because he was tired and emotional and wanted to go to bed. I text him this morning just saying that if he did want to work on things then we could go for tea next week and if not and he is done then please let me know. He hasn't replied. I'm totally gutted. It seems to be that we are completely finished despite him not actually SAYING it. Does anyone else think the same? How can I cope with this? We have a young child, we had a home and we talked about marriage. I just want to curl up and cry all the time. I don't know how I'm going to cope without him. We were perfect!
Author Miss_G Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Can somebody please help me please? Any opinions or advice would be appreciated. I'm feeling very down
january2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I'm sorry that you are in pain. The mixed signals and passing on of misinformation from friends can't be helping. I suggest taking a break from communicating about everything other than your son and finances. It seems that both of you really need to decide what you really want and I think that talking about the relationship when you're both not emotionally ready to do so is only compounding matters. It's also worth asking friends to stop getting involved in your relationship. Neither of you needs to hear about the other person through third parties. Not only does it prolong healing but the news itself can be open to a lot of interpretation, which can make matters worse. For the moment, focus on you and your son.
stopthemadness Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Sorry if you have read this before, I've posted on other forums. I finished with my ex 4 months ago. In this time there have been periods of NC, although we have had to have minimal contact because of our child, and there have been periods of 'working on things'. We have been out on dates, talked about our relationship (although he was always reluctant), had heart-to-hearts and done a lot of talking via the internet. We went out about 4 weeks ago for tea. I began talking about our relationship, got upset and my ex hugged me and said he missed me and loved me but that things weren't sorted to get back together. After that he went cold and we barely spoke. I went out with my friends just over a week later and one said she had heard he was dating someone else. I called him and we argued. He told me everything I had done wrong in our relationship before calming and tell me he was still in love with me and was not 'done' with our relationship. He also said he was seeing no one. We spoke the next day, hugged and decided everything was cool between us. He was ill the next week and conversation was slow. Then, once again, I hear reports of him messaging someone else. He again denied it and told me that not believing him was going to get us nowhere. I said he didn't seem that bothered about me. He never replied (this was via text). We barely spoke, only about our son, for the next 2 weeks. I had finally had enough told him I wanted to know what was going on. I told him to decide whether he was still working on things or had given up. He said nothing for days. I confronted him via the internet last night and he said that he doesn't think we can make things better but that he'll never stop loving me. He said I was trying to paint him as the bad guy making him say that he was completely done so I could tell people he ended it. He has now heard reports that I am seeing a bloke we both know. I am not and told him this. I don't even own this person's mobile number! He said he doesn't care what I do, I'm a free spirit. He told me he was stopping the conversation because he was tired and emotional and wanted to go to bed. I text him this morning just saying that if he did want to work on things then we could go for tea next week and if not and he is done then please let me know. He hasn't replied. I'm totally gutted. It seems to be that we are completely finished despite him not actually SAYING it. Does anyone else think the same? How can I cope with this? We have a young child, we had a home and we talked about marriage. I just want to curl up and cry all the time. I don't know how I'm going to cope without him. We were perfect! Am sorry but to me it sounds like he's done trying to make the relationship work. If you heard thats theirs another female in the picture. There probably is. I too am going through a break up and am struggling with alot of things.(hes dating other women, been 2 sence me) I just came from seeing my therapist. Seems that our minds know its over and that they are moving on. Our hearts just need to catch up. But more then anything else, you dont wanta be with someone that dosent wanta be with you. Cry if you need too, be sad if you need to then we must pick our selfs up and let it all go. I feel way better now. At first I felt broken, Not anymore. Things do get better. Give your self time.. Feel better.. Good luck to us...
GoingInsane Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Hi there. I'm sorry to read what you've been going through, it sounds like you're having a really tough time and I can see why. It sounds a bit like my breakup - I hate to say it but I think your ex is being a coward. He thinks its finished but can't or won't say the words. The night me and my ex met to talk about what to do, she was the same. Blamed me for everything, couldn't see a way forward, but would always love me. When I pushed, she just suggested we could have a break (even though it was clear that's not what she really wanted). I ended up saying the words. Blaming you for things is their way of displacing their guilt. My ex had an affair (I've since found out), I guess they can have guilt for many things - for your ex this might be leaving his child. Sorry I can't say anything more positive. I think you need to work on you and go NC. He likes having you there so will probably try to contact you after a couple of days. Right now he has all the power - you need to take it back.
Author Miss_G Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 I'm having a really bad time at the moment. I just can't think about us NOT together. Everything is reminding me of happy times in our relationship. I do badly want to go back there. He was my best friend and I feel like I've lost so much more than just a boyfriend. Is the situation completely hopeless? I don't understand how he says he still loved me and wanted to work on things and in the space of 2 weeks change his mind. He hasn't even replied to my text about meeting up. Should I push him for an answer? He can't keep me hanging. I feel he wants me to break contact so he can blame the split on me and come out the good guy. I want HIM to say he's finished. I do not want it to finish. This is all down to him. Do you think he may feel differently in a few days time. God, I sound desperate...
stopthemadness Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 No it dosent sound like things will change, Sorry. Am not gona tell you to go No Contact. Because thats smthing you have to decide. But by him not responding arent you already having N/C? Just go with it. Post here instead of contacting him. It helps it allows you to vent. And you know your not alone in your heart ache...
Author Miss_G Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 As suggested by some of you lovely helpful people I will make a NC diary before I say anymore stupid things to the ex It's only been a couple of days (since Wednesday) since we last spoke and that didn't end particularly wonderfully. For those of you who don't know, he won't actually say that he is DONE. He just says 'whatever' and has stated that he doesn't think our relationship will get better and I am trying to paint him as the bad guy by making him say it is finished. I was going to push him for an answer but I have decided to go quiet and say nothing. I asked him out for food next week in a text yesterday and he has not replied. We have a child so I have to see him to hand him over. What do you suggest I do when I do hand my son over if I'm trying to go NC? Someone suggested just give in the baby, say what the baby needs that day and what time to drop him off, kiss the baby and ask him to leave. Can't believe it has come to this. I thought we were solid and, even though we had problems, we could survive anything. We have a home that we jointly own that he is living in at the moment. I would move back but I find his parents overpowering and they would be in like a shot making my life unbearable. I am perfectly happy at home with my parents for now. We need to sort the house out if we were to split fully but if we were to sort the house out that, to me and I'm sure him, would be it FOREVER. No going back. I'm not sure whether this is why he is holding off. Also, just out of interest, does this seem fair in terms of visitation for our child? At the moment he has him 3 days a week, on his day off mid-week and at the weekend. He only has him during the day and brings him back at teatime. I was leneint because I wanted our child to see him as much as possible so that if we got back together he wouldn't find it confusing. Now that we are fully split I was thinking of structuring it a bit more. I work 5 days a week, he works 4, so he could have our child on his day off mid-week and ONE day at the weekend overnight and we could alternate. He has him from Friday teatime til Saturday teatime and I have him Saturday night and Sunday teatime, etc. And the weekend after that we swap and I have him Friday night, etc. Does that seem fair on my son? (I couldn't care less how fair it is on the ex!) My son has a good routine with me and I want to keep things as normal as possible for him. I don't want him swapping and changing between homes. But of course, I appreciate time with his Dad is important. I want my ex to understand that things will not stay the same. Things have been relatively easy since we split because we have been on good friendly terms. He hasn't been the perfect gentlemen since we split initially and this recent turn of events has made me realise what an idiot he has been. He mentioned in a conversation on one of our 'dates' during our split that he hoped we could remain friends if things didn't work out. I don't want this. I would be civil for our son. I feel my ex just wants the best of both worlds. We were best friends before getting together so we have a wonderful friendship. I do not want him in my life if he doesn't want to be in it properly. I just wish I could cut all contact with him and never see him again!
Jdw_Icequeen Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Well Miss G, I must say you sound just like me.. Same things happend talked about marriage we have a son together. Also talked about marriage..We were "taking" things slow as friends trying to repair things. But his actions showed me diffrent. He is also speaking to a girl saying that she just broke up with her bf and there just coping buddies. Refuses to say they are anything more then freinds. Well after dealing with this for 3 weeks. Having emotional outbursts about this girl, him avoiding me etc. I couldn't take it and wanted an answer aswell. He never gave me his answer because I finally said I can't do this anymore.. I got fed up with the things he was doing. Saying he wanted one thing but yet did the opposite.. Odd how guys start seeing someone and absolutly refuse to just tellt he truth about it. I guess that don't want to look like the bad guy? He also mentioned being friends and I think that won't happen. I told him I didn't want to but said I guess anything is a possibility. This is day 2 of NC for me. I am going to read your NC blog. All I can say is the sooner we get them out of our thoughts and don't care anymore the better!! Good luck with everything!
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