ecdc76 Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 My ex and had been dating for almost 9 months. She moved to the city I am in because I was able to get her a job at a school I used to work for. We met, I introduced her to the school, we began dating, and she was eventually hired. She now works with my grandmother. We split up about a month and a half ago. In the last three months of our relationship we would get into fights. Stupid things would usually spark them. They almost always resulted in me saying something like "youre being crazy" or "youre being irrational." Our last fight was over new years plans. She thought I was planning something without her. I told her that wasnt the case but she didnt seem to believe me and got upset. I told her she was being unreasonable. Why would I want to spend new years without my girlfriend? This fight lasted for three days. On the third day I told her I had enough. I was too frustrated and couldnt deal with her any more. I broke things off late on a wednesday night. I called her and told her I didnt want to but I was just so frustrated I didnt know what to do. But that damage had been done. She told me she was unhappy for awhile, that I didnt know how to talk to her and that she was exhausted and didnt want to fight anymore. She also said that I couldn't just take that back. I know I made a mistake. And in the days following it was clear she was very, very upset. She wouldnt return calls, texts, or emails. After about two weeks I sent her a text and she called. I was very nervous and I told her that I didnt want to break up, that it was a mistake and that I felt terrible. She said she didnt want to be in a relationship anymore and it was over. I called her the next day and we spoke for about an hour. I mostly let her speak her mind and vent while reaffirming the fact that I was very sorry. She said she needed time and space. A week later I called again. We spoke for two hours and I basically told her everything that happened was my fault, I felt terrible, I needed to work on me and that I wanted to build a friendship in the mean time. She said she didnt want to be friends, she didnt want to see or talk to me for a "long time." I stayed confident on the phone and said "whatever you need" but I was breaking apart on the inside. She also told me that the day before we got into an argument her brother called threatening to kill himself (he is a recovering heroin addict and alcoholic) he failed a soberiety test and was court ordered to go rehab for 30 days. She said she had a bad time at christmas because her dad was being abusive to the family (she hates her dad) and that she was beginning to resent her mom for staying in the situation. She also said, the day we spoke on the phone, that morning her mom surprised her for breakfast with her uncle and her uncle had insulted the waitress at one of our favorite restaurants, and then proceeded to fall asleep at the table drunk. On top of this she wasnt sure if she wanted to keep teaching. She clearly had alot on her mind. Its been 13 days since that conversation and I havent heard anything from her. I feel horribly depressed and don't know what to do. I know I can not call her right now but I'm lost and confused. We're wonderful together but I need to work on anger management and they way I handle disputes. I dont know what to do. I am a nervous wreck and I am falling into a deep depression. What to do?
Miss_G Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I am right there with you! You will be able to read my situation on my posts (I would appreciate you reading them from a male perspective, that is assuming you are male of course!) What I would suggest, from experience, that you leave her to have space and collect her thoughts. When I initially split from my ex we spent a lot of time doing the whole NC and only spoke to hand over our child. This is the only way she will truly miss you. She needs to feel that you are gone before she stops being confident that you will stick around forever and she can pick and chose when and if she has you back. A bit of independance goes a long way so start gaining a life for yourself. Work on yourself and all the aspects that you feel pushed her away and could make you a better person. You mentioned anger management? Maybe start dealing with that. Once you start to change yourself as a person and mean TRULY change yourself she may start to warm to you again. People can sense when something is fake. You need to make sure you do it for YOURSELF and not for her. She won't find that attractive. She will feel that once you are together again you will slip back into your old ways. One piece of advice I can give you right now to is to concentrate on yourself, have a good time, do whatever keeps you reasonably happy (mine is wine and chocolate!) and get out a lot. Keep in mind that there is a possibility that you will get back together and work towards that in your head. Even if you do not get back together you will come out of this a stronger better person. A phrase I use is 'ride the storm'. You won't feel like this forever and situations can change. My partner and I had been through a lot of things since our split that I believed had spelled the end (although I feel it has now been spelt...) and we came through the other side. When his anger had subsided he began to miss me and want to reconcile. Keep strong and stay positive. Find comfort in knowing others feel the same as you and you are not alone!
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