exwfie Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 My husband started an affair 15 years ago with my best friend. He told me it was a mistake, that nothing happened and I gave him a second chance. Then we had 2 kids, bought a house, got good jobs, and had supposedly normal life until 2 years later when I caught him texting with her again. I confronted both of them and somehow we resolved it again. Now 12 years later I found him texting with another of his high school friends that he didn't talk to for about 7 years. He explained that they used to know each other so well that the way they text is very casual and doesn't mean anything. However, I wouldn't use such words to a friend. After so many years I would expect him to tell her about our kids, about me but instead he tells her only that I never like what he buys me, and the rest revolves around that he likes her, it so nice to have someone to talk to, etc (I didn’t hear their conversations but he did called her at least once supposedly to warn her that I saw their texts and might be calling her). I'm not sure what do to. He supposedly didn't sleep with the first one and didn't really tell the second one that he is in love with her. BTW, she is married too. However, the way he writes to her is disturbing for me. And he denied writing to her until I proved it to him. I don’t hear such a nice words from him and in all his conversations that I saw he didn't mentioned anything positive about me even though she knows me pretty well too. Is it normal for a husband to text other wives and be so smoochy in his words? And hide it from his wife? I told him I don't accept it. He apologized for the words he used but he is saying that he is not doing anything wrong. I'm tired of forgiving him. I don't want to watch his every move, and I have trouble trusting him. I thought we can have normal life, I love my kids but I don't know what to do. On top of that I cried 1st time, I felt sad 2nd time but this time I don’t care. Maybe we don’t love each other anymore. We both work, we don't have much time to spend together. We managed to find one afternoon a week to go out for dinner. We don’t really fight much, and I thought we get along pretty good. I thought we love each other. We don't really have problems except that one time 15 years ago. Can he be really in need of having female friend that he can talk to? Or he is searching for better life? Should I finally thing about the divorce? Is that my problem that I don’t trust him?
2sunny Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 trust is earned- since he has shown evidence that he IS untrustworthy - what do you actually have? he admitted to NOTHING (except when backed into a corner) - therefore it's hard to figure change will occur when someone thinks and believes there is nothing wrong. since he thinks he did nothing wrong - there is nothing to fix or change. soooo, when nothing changes = nothing changes. when left with nothing... you may want to consider letting go of NOTHING. the NOTHING that is dragging you down. you are not at fault for wanting more in life than the nothing he has offered you for more than 15 years. he isn't invested anyway... all his emotional investment is directed outside your marriage... that is not a marriage. that is cheating. he has deprived you of intimacy in your relationship - therefore he has stolen that part of the connection that you two COULD have - then he has directed toward someone else - totally inappropriate for a man who would say he is married. since he doesn't think he's done anything wrong (there is SO much you don't know) there is nothing to fix since he won't be honest. no honesty = nothing can be done; no starting place to repair the damage done by him. my heart goes out to you - you deserve more than that. let him go.
Author exwfie Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 I really needed to hear that. Thank you. He just explained the situation to me again saying that he didn’t do anything and he loves me. But it’s my choice if we should be together. I said that perhaps we should think about getting divorce as I will never trust him again. It might just be his ego but he supposedly made an appointment for this weekend for divorce arbitration. Either way he is either testing me because he know how much my family means to me or he just gave up and is not willing to fight for this marriage.
2sunny Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I really needed to hear that. Thank you. He just explained the situation to me again saying that he didn’t do anything and he loves me. But it’s my choice if we should be together. I said that perhaps we should think about getting divorce as I will never trust him again. It might just be his ego but he supposedly made an appointment for this weekend for divorce arbitration. Either way he is either testing me because he know how much my family means to me or he just gave up and is not willing to fight for this marriage. since he hasn't offered what he will change to REPAIR the damage HE created - there is nothing for you to DO. divorce him- he's selfish and has always only considered his selfish needs, not yours or the family. he causes harm and doesn't even feel bad about it. he also doesn't intend to make the effort to repair so there is nothing you can do but let him loose to cause that same harm to someone else - not you.
You Go Girl Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 From an outsider's pov, it's not very convincing that he didn't have multiple affairs, possibly even physical ones. But blame aside, he gaslights away from true intimacy, openness and honesty. I would try to address that. MC would be best. That way he couldn't gaslight, and would have to explain himself in depth. He obviously knows how to skirt the issues with just you alone. A third party is needed. I wouldn't ask for a divorce unless I was sure I was ready for one. You speak of asking for a divorce and then being upset that made plans to see a lawyer.
YellowShark Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 It's not your problem that you don't trust him, it is his actions that make you not trust him. Here's my motto. "Once a cheater... not always a cheater...twice a cheater...ALWAYS a cheater." Do you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells and finding landmines exwfie? Think about it. Good luck.
trippi1432 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 A different approach, first of all, I tend to agree with others here. Your husband is showing you a disrespect to the commitment of your marriage, not just by continuing talking to these women intimately, flirting and what have you, but also by belittling the marriage and your relationship itself. I don’t hear such a nice words from him and in all his conversations that I saw he didn't mentioned anything positive about me even though she knows me pretty well too. Why not? This is your husband of 15 years...if he doesn't have good things to say about you after that long together..why? I've been on the receiving end of a man who was just like your husband. Gave me the pity story of how his marriage sucked. Guess what, I met his wife and she was a much better person than he was....and I told him that....and he went away. The other side of that is one day, someone won't go away...no matter how much you brag on how good they are (even when they aren't)..there will be a woman who will take them away from you. In some cases..such as mine...thank God for that!! At any rate...what about your relationship? No, it's not normal because something is missing..typically that is communication...how do you and he communicate your needs of the marriage?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 I told him I don't accept it. He's been lying to you. You clearly lied to him. And now you're lying to us too! (we didn't do anything...)
trippi1432 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 God!! I am really hating on LS these days...time to find another venue..you assinine men can have this one...no wonder you are all divorced. If this is any indication of the communication you ppl had with your wives..you deserve what you get...Jesus!! I f'ing give up!!!
What_Next Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 God!! I am really hating on LS these days...time to find another venue..you assinine men can have this one...no wonder you are all divorced. If this is any indication of the communication you ppl had with your wives..you deserve what you get...Jesus!! I f'ing give up!!! Umm well I certainly am NOT divorced. Perhaps you might want to take your own advice and find another venue or at least re-think dumping on everyone because you appear to be having a bad day. Yikes.
trippi1432 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 I know W_N, it was a horrible response on my part and I do apologize for making it to the masses....I still have tough days myself. Just so tired of seeing these accusations to a new member who is just trying to find some help and tell their story.
What_Next Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Trippi, I kind of figured you were having a rotten day. Sorry if I appeared rude. We all have those days. Now back to your regularily scheduled programming
Too Much Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 God!! I am really hating on LS these days...time to find another venue..you assinine men can have this one...no wonder you are all divorced. If this is any indication of the communication you ppl had with your wives..you deserve what you get...Jesus!! I f'ing give up!!! No Trippi, don't leave and find another venue. Some of us on here value your input and don't want to see you go. Me, for one.
sirweasles Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Trippi I feel your pain whole heartedly. I have been trying to add my 2 cents about all these negitive accusing responses for awhile and im getting truely sick of reading sombodys story only to find out that there are ppl in the LS community who i have seen give out great advice that are now accusing and battering not just the new people but the older people on here aswell. I am getting sick of it and have been debating leaving LS though i keep hoping it will go back to the way it was even a few months ago when i first found this site.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 God!! I am really hating on LS these days...time to find another venue..you assinine men can have this one...no wonder you are all divorced. If this is any indication of the communication you ppl had with your wives..you deserve what you get...Jesus!! I f'ing give up!!! What have you been drinking? (or smoking, or mainlining??) How can you even question (what was the only post in between your earlier one, and this absurd rant) ? The woman tells her husband she "don't accept it"... and then she has the nerve to come here and tell us that she "don't accept it". When very clearly she WILL accept it. Now if you have some non-public knowledge about her never having told her husband that she "don't accept it", then by all means, disclose this secret info you must have in order to dispute the obvious.
sirweasles Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 What have you been drinking? (or smoking, or mainlining??) How can you even question (what was the only post in between your earlier one, and this absurd rant) ? The woman tells her husband she "don't accept it"... and then she has the nerve to come here and tell us that she "don't accept it". When very clearly she WILL accept it. Now if you have some non-public knowledge about her never having told her husband that she "don't accept it", then by all means, disclose this secret info you must have in order to dispute the obvious. so what you are saying is that you know this woman personaly and hang out with her all the time in fact you are saying that you know her better than she knows her self this is a very uncalled for way to respond to anybody let alone sombody in distress grow up and post this sh*t on your own threads
FreeNow Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I think I finally get the thought SincereOnlineGuy was trying to convey. (Yep, it really took me this long to figure it out; that is if I'm correct.) "Her words are that she doesn't accept it but her actions indicate that she obviously does accept it at some level." Since actions > words, Sincere was calling it as a lie. Stated another way, she's not enforcing healthy boundaries. Not saying I agree with the manner in which SincereOnlineGuy posted it... just putting my interpretation out there; maybe it'll help.
trippi1432 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 FreeNow - thank you! That makes all the sense in the world from your interpretation.
Author exwfie Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 You know what, I came here for an advice since I don't know what to do. I have 2 small kids and I feel that my marriage is falling apart. That's not what I imagined for my children. You think I lie? Why? Because I wonder if we can still work it out, if I can still be happy and trust him again, if my children can have a normal home? Is that to much to ask for?
trippi1432 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 exwfie - I'm glad that you came back to this thread...and no, you are not "accepting" his behavior, you verbally told him that you don't. In addition, what your husband is doing is killing your feelings for him because HIS actions are not supportive of a loving and caring husband. YOU and children have every RIGHT to be cared for. That's the reason why you are here, because you don't ACCEPT it and are wanting to know how to stop those actions...right? There is no lie on your part (which was much of my outburst on your thread because I knew this would be the reaction from that post). But FreeNow's interpretation is a valid point. Even though you have told him that you do not accept it and this is detracting from your feelings, you need to establish a boundary with your husband that it is NOT acceptable in your marriage. While it does sound like you have done that...have you enforced it? Discussed marriage counseling with him, discussed separation or threatened divorce? I would suggest that the first path is counseling...let him realize that this is a problem and set those boundaries for a healthy marriage.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 My husband started an affair 15 years ago 2 years later... I caught him texting with her again. I confronted both of them and somehow we resolved it again. Now 12 years later I found him texting with another of his high school friends I don't accept it. Can nobody else see the lies in this??? I did omit the chance that you have been lying to yourself all along as well. If you keep repeating the same lie/untruth over and over again for 15 years, it still does not make it true. I just can't decide whether he is deceiving you more than you are deceiving yourself.
hopesndreams Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 You know what, I came here for an advice since I don't know what to do. I have 2 small kids and I feel that my marriage is falling apart. That's not what I imagined for my children. You think I lie? Why? Because I wonder if we can still work it out, if I can still be happy and trust him again, if my children can have a normal home? Is that to much to ask for? The best thing to do is to accept that for the last 15 years of your life you were with a man that didn't love you and is incapable of loving anyone, but himself. Did you ever really trust him? What he has done and is continuing to do you feel you can no longer accept it. It's about time!! Now go show your kids what any self-respecting person would do and divorce his worthless azz.
2sunny Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I confronted both of them and somehow we resolved it again. the point is = NOTHING was ever resolved... you accepted his bad behavior with no action for change. thus, he gets to continue DOING exactly what he wants to do - go behind your back and betray you - over and over= because you allow it. so, stop allowing it. you don't need to put up with that. no one should have to. want more for yourself than that, please. therefore - i stand by my original suggestion: trust is earned- since he has shown evidence that he IS untrustworthy - what do you actually have? he admitted to NOTHING (except when backed into a corner) - therefore it's hard to figure change will occur when someone thinks and believes there is nothing wrong. since he thinks he did nothing wrong - there is nothing to fix or change. soooo, when nothing changes = nothing changes. when left with nothing... you may want to consider letting go of NOTHING. the NOTHING that is dragging you down. you are not at fault for wanting more in life than the nothing he has offered you for more than 15 years. he isn't invested anyway... all his emotional investment is directed outside your marriage... that is not a marriage. that is cheating. he has deprived you of intimacy in your relationship - therefore he has stolen that part of the connection that you two COULD have - then he has directed toward someone else - totally inappropriate for a man who would say he is married. since he doesn't think he's done anything wrong (there is SO much you don't know) there is nothing to fix since he won't be honest. no honesty = nothing can be done; no starting place to repair the damage done by him. my heart goes out to you - you deserve more than that. let him go.
You Go Girl Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 What's a person supposed to do when a spouse won't change a behavior that is driving them apart for years, yet you still love them? Whomever answers that with a solution has just solved the problem of millions of marriages. So what does she do? She loves him. Letting him go would hurt horribly. Letting him continue to disrespect her hurts horribly. She's in a place where she just can't win. Giving him a good chastising every now and then may temporarily help, but he's obviously decided that he can live with that so that he can continue to have his cake and eat it too. OP--you have to insist upon marriage counseling. You can't let him hide his behaviors any longer. This has to be brought out in the open, and he has to sit there in a counselor's office where he can't evade the questions. Then, and perhaps only then after 15 years, will he have to face his own behavior without gaslighting, excuses, and the rest of it.
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