Kaycey Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Firstly thankyou for anyone who takes the time to read my message? Obviously I am in desperate need of help and advice[FONT=Times New I'm sure like many people I never thought that I would be in this situation - but I am - it has happened and now I need to deal with it. My previous relationship with my ex-boyfriend was one of the best, I thought he was the one, most of the times in this relationship were the happiest of my life, but it ended - and messily. We split up - maybe too hastily - he had a one night stand shortly after and the girl ended up pregnant - we were both devastated - there was no closure - it was too painful. He fully supports his child and has a healthy non-romantic relationship with the mother. It took me along time to move on - although I never completely got over it - as much as I wanted to - and I really wanted to. But as time passed I came to realise that he will always be part of my life and even though it didn't work out he will always be special to me. 18 months later I met someone else - 1700 miles away! I quit my job, left everything behind and we moved in together. (I first met him 7 years ago but our paths kept crossing, the year before I met him but was not ready for a relationship - we had 6 months of online contact before I met him again and we decided to get together). We had great times, difficult times, but we fell in love. Of course it wasn't easy - I was in another country and we moved in together so quickly - but we made it work - and yes I love him. My family came out to meet him and I lived with his family for one month before returning home. His family don’t speak a word of English but I wanted to be with him so much – I felt so isolated at times but to be with him made it worth it. Throughout my times away there were times when I did think about me ex - times when I was low or upset, I didn't want to but sometimes I did - not that I felt in love with him - I really don't know what I was feeling. Sometimes you forget about the bad times and just remember the happy times. We were occasionally in contact - the odd message asking how the other was doing Well I came home and it was hard to settle in, I knew I would be returning to my BF in 3/4 months and I knew i had to make money to do this - I found a job and we continued our relationship long distance. I wanted to meet with my ex- to see how he is, I wanted to maintain some contact with him and keep a civil relationship I hate that I sometimes think of him if I have been drinking...but sometimes I do, and I called him - just a casual call and arrange to meet for coffee. Because of our relationship our families became very close and they still are, so I often hear about him which doesn't help The next day I regretted this decision - messaged him, apologised and told him that it was a mistake to call (thinking that he would take this as we would not be meeting up). Well I didn’t hear anything prior to the arranged meet up - but he was there - at my workplace and I had already taken my lunch and he had been waiting for 45 mins. I felt bad for him and invited him out later this evening as I would be with friends. He arrived, somehow we were left alone, drinking.......and yes I ended up at his house a stupid decision. I remember being there and thinking - you have allowed yourself to get into a potentially risky situation and you are drunk - go home. I asked him to take me home and he said I could stay just to sleep.....but we ended up together and I have cheated on my boyfriend. I am absolutely devastated ashamed and disgusted with myself. I do not condone cheating, I have been cheated on myself it is the most painful thing I have EVER experienced. I have witnessed cheating and I have been disgusted by it. I feel sick and I hate the situation that I have caused I know that my ex boyfriend still loves me - he is a good man, he has not met anyone else and he would love for us to get back together. I never had closure and as hard for it is for me to admit it was inevitable that we would see each other again - he was always in my head - there was never any closure. But being with him and talking to him made me realise that things would never be how they were - the happiness we once had would never be re-created. But I have found that out at the expense of my new relationship. I stupidly put myself in a situation that has ruined everything. Now I have been reading lots of advice forums - do I tell him or conceal this from him I love my boyfriend - I know some of you may not believe me but I do. And this has made me realise what I want. I know that if I tell him it will ruin everything but if I do not tell him then am at risk of living a lie. My boyfriend has had a troubled past. He lost the love of his life as she cheated on him during a break. He spent many years resenting women and sleeping around not willing to commit. He got married his heart wasn’t fully in it it was more a convenience for both of them - he cheated on her a couple of times and then realised that actually he wanted to make it work - he never confessed but it didn’t work out regardless. He has major trust issues and it took a long time for him to trust me which I accepted. He has told me everything, the good the bad and the ugly. He is very protective and I think he would end things if he knew the truth. He has said he would end things if I cheated – but then again of course he would say that – so that I don’t cheat. So I really don’t think our relationship could survive me confessing. But I do not know what to do I am going through mental hell and yes I deserve it. Throughout our time together I have been completely faithful I would never dream of cheating, if only I had dealt with issues of my ex a long time ago I had so many doubts before - moving away to be with my boyfriend so far away from me, the issue of my ex always in my head. And now I know I want to go forward in this relationship surely I have ruined it. He has not always made good decisions in his life but he wanted to be honest with me about everything. I have NEVER cheated before but I don’t think he will be forgiving. I want him with all my heart I love him more than anything. We have a future planned - now what should I do
missheartbroken Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 (edited) sad times sorry Edited January 13, 2011 by missheartbroken
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I had so many doubts before - moving away to be with my boyfriend so far away from me, the issue of my ex always in my head. And now I know I want to go forward in this relationship surely I have ruined it. He has not always made good decisions in his life but he wanted to be honest with me about everything. I have NEVER cheated before but I don’t think he will be forgiving. I want him with all my heart I love him more than anything. We have a future planned - now what should I do Well Kaycey... what do you want to do? I really get the feeling like you are trying to emotionally prepare to just sweep this under the rug. My advice is this. Lieing to your BF is like trying to ignore cancer. It will work for a while, but eventually will eat both your soul and destroy your relationship.
Bryanp Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 If the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect your boyfriend to be honest with you? You either have a relationship based on honesty and respect or one based on lies and deceit. The choice is yours and it will say a great deal about your character which one you choose.
dont-be-naive Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I have NEVER cheated before but I don’t think he will be forgiving. actually, all the more reason to tell him. if you dont, then you will be making decisions for him. if he despises cheaters, then he deserves to make the decision on whether or not he wants to be with one. I want him with all my heart I love him more than anything. We have a future planned - now what should I do if you loved him with all of your heart, you wouldn't have cheated. what do you do? you tell him. or if you want to disrespect him and make decisions for him, don't tell.
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