Kaycey Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Firstly thankyou for anyone who takes the time to read my message? Obviously I am in desperate need of help and advice.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I'm sure like many people I never thought that I would be in this situation - but I am - it has happened and now I need to deal with it.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]My previous relationship with my ex-boyfriend was one of the best, I thought he was the one, most of the times in this relationship were the happiest of my life, but it ended - and messily. We split up - maybe too hastily - he had a one night stand shortly after and the girl ended up pregnant - we were both devastated - there was no closure - it was too painful. He fully supports his child and has a healthy non-romantic relationship with the mother. It took me along time to move on - although I never completely got over it - as much as I wanted to - and I really wanted to. But as time passed I came to realise that he will always be part of my life and even though it didn't work out he will always be special to me. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]18 months later I met someone else - 1700 miles away! I quit my job, left everything behind and we moved in together. (I first met him 7 years ago but our paths kept crossing, the year before I met him but was not ready for a relationship - we had 6 months of online contact before I met him again and we decided to get together). We had great times, difficult times, but we fell in love. Of course it wasn't easy - I was in another country and we moved in together so quickly - but we made it work - and yes I love him. My family came out to meet him and I lived with his family for one month before returning home. His family don’t speak a word of English but I wanted to be with him so much – I felt so isolated at times but to be with him made it worth it. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Throughout my times away there were times when I did think about me ex - times when I was low or upset, I didn't want to but sometimes I did - not that I felt in love with him - I really don't know what I was feeling. Sometimes you forget about the bad times and just remember the happy times. We were occasionally in contact - the odd message asking how the other was doing.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Well I came home and it was hard to settle in, I knew I would be returning to my BF in 3/4 months and I knew i had to make money to do this - I found a job and we continued our relationship long distance. I wanted to meet with my ex- to see how he is, I wanted to maintain some contact with him and keep a civil relationship.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] I hate that I sometimes think of him if I have been drinking...but sometimes I do, and I called him - just a casual call and arrange to meet for coffee. Because of our relationship our families became very close and they still are, so I often hear about him which doesn't help. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]The next day I regretted this decision - messaged him, apologised and told him that it was a mistake to call (thinking that he would take this as we would not be meeting up). Well I didn’t hear anything prior to the arranged meet up - but he was there - at my workplace and I had already taken my lunch and he had been waiting for 45 mins. I felt bad for him and invited him out later this evening as I would be with friends. He arrived, somehow we were left alone, drinking.......and yes I ended up at his house a stupid decision. I remember being there and thinking - you have allowed yourself to get into a potentially risky situation and you are drunk - go home. I asked him to take me home and he said I could stay just to sleep.....but we ended up together and I have cheated on my boyfriend. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I am absolutely devastated ashamed and disgusted with myself. I do not condone cheating, I have been cheated on myself it is the most painful thing I have EVER experienced. I have witnessed cheating and I have been disgusted by it. I feel sick and I hate the situation that I have caused.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I know that my ex boyfriend still loves me - he is a good man, he has not met anyone else and he would love for us to get back together. I never had closure and as hard for it is for me to admit it was inevitable that we would see each other again - he was always in my head - there was never any closure. But being with him and talking to him made me realise that things would never be how they were - the happiness we once had would never be re-created. But I have found that out at the expense of my new relationship. I stupidly put myself in a situation that has ruined everything.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Now I have been reading lots of advice forums - do I tell him or conceal this from him?[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I love my boyfriend - I know some of you may not believe me but I do. And this has made me realise what I want. I know that if I tell him it will ruin everything but if I do not tell him then am at risk of living a lie. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]My boyfriend has had a troubled past. He lost the love of his life as she cheated on him during a break. He spent many years resenting women and sleeping around not willing to commit. He got married his heart wasn’t fully in it it was more a convenience for both of them - he cheated on her a couple of times and then realised that actually he wanted to make it work - he never confessed but it didn’t work out regardless. He has major trust issues and it took a long time for him to trust me which I accepted. He has told me everything, the good the bad and the ugly. He is very protective and I think he would end things if he knew the truth. He has said he would end things if I cheated – but then again of course he would say that – so that I don’t cheat. So I really don’t think our relationship could survive me confessing. But I do not know what to do I am going through mental hell and yes I deserve it. Throughout our time together I have been completely faithful I would never dream of cheating, if only I had dealt with issues of my ex a long time ago.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I had so many doubts before - moving away to be with my boyfriend so far away from me, the issue of my ex always in my head. And now I know I want to go forward in this relationship surely I have ruined it. He has not always made good decisions in his life but he wanted to be honest with me about everything. I have NEVER cheated before but I don’t think he will be forgiving. I want him with all my heart I love him more than anything. We have a future planned - now what should I do???[/sIZE][/FONT]
in_absentia Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 You can't love someone and lie to their face about being faithful and being in love with them, only them... well, some people can, but you shouldn't. You wouldn't like to be treated that way, right? I'm not gonna come down on you hard for cheating (why would I, it's not my place anyway) but some people might. It sounds like you made a mistake, like we all do from time to time in different areas of our life, and deeply, deeply regret it. Whatever happens with your boyfriend you have at least learnt from this incident that the sickening aftermath of infidelity is almost never worth the thrill in the moment. So be kind to yourself, but I think you'd be doing a massive disservice to your boyfriend and your relationship if you didn't confess to him. He deserves to know this, given that sexual fidelity is an important part of the relationship you share. Even if it means he breaks up with you, well it's time to woman up and face the consequences of your actions. Let me know how it goes.
Author Kaycey Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 No I wouldn't like to be treated this way. But I do love him. I know that I love him. I know that the right thing to do is to be truthful but I cant bare to loose him when I know it was one big mistake that will never ever happen again and I was so uncomfortable with it and it happened all because of my issues with my ex - yes it is all my fault I know that. Yes I know staying in contact with my ex was not a good idea. He knew I was in a serious relationship - are families are close and everyone knows I have been away for 6 months with my new boyfriend. My ex boyfriend didn't cheat on me - but slept with someonw shortly after we broke up - I was devestated to say the least - I know how damaging it is - I cannot believe I have done the same - I never thought I was capable and I hate myself for it and am deeply ashamed and embarassed. I hate cheaters - I know people who have cheated and I never knew how they could live with themselves. I am beating myself over this quite rightfully. I never should have called my ex - i was suprised he turned up when I messaged him saying i shouldnt have called - but yes all my fault I know - I let it happen.All to realise that I shouldn't have done it. So I guess I will end up telling him - he will hate me and I will deserve it.
kwist Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Kacey I know it's difficult but think about it this way - would you want to know if the same had happened to you? It is not a true relationship if you live it with a lie; you will constantly be thinking about this. Did you have sex with your ex boyfriend? Hopefully not. If so, that will make things more complicated. I suggest you sit your boyfriend down and tell him that you have made a horrible mistake. Tell him the full truth. You don't want him to hear it from anyone but you. Make sure he knows none of this was his fault, that you regret it completely and never meant for it to happen, and that you are fully devoted to making things work with him. Step one is to cut off ALL contact with your ex - and show your boyfriend that you are doing so. If your ex ever sends you any kind of message, show your boyfriend. Tell him he can either respond for you, let you respond with him there, or just delete the message altogether. You will have a lot of trust to make up for here. Give him the chance to snoop and fully endorse it by allowing him to have your passwords. If you want this to work you will have to give up your privacy. I just got out of a three year relationship myself where something somewhat similar happened. However, my man decided that he could not tell me because he was too scared of losing me and in the end I found out the hard way and it made it so that I will never be able to get back with him. What you did was horrible but it is a mistake you made and you will have to live with the consequences. Hopefully your guy will understand that you are owning up to what you've done and will be able to accept you back. It will be a difficult trip, but it will make you a stronger person and hopefully help you understand that cheating is wrong for all reasons and in any situation.
Author Kaycey Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Yes I did slee with my ex. I wont see my boyfriend face to face until April we only have contact via telephone and internet. There is no way he will find out. I do not want to loose him I do not want to hurt him. Yes I would want to know - but my cheating meant nothing except maade me realise that I want a life with him. I am disgusted with myself I cant eat or sleep and I have ruined my future and I have nobody to talk to and yes I realise I am the one to blame.
Bryanp Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 You need to inform your boyfriend as soon as possible. You either have a relationship on a foundation of honesty and respect or one based on lies and deceit. Do the right thing.
in_absentia Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Thing is, even if you decide not to tell your boyfriend, you'll always know you've cheated, every time you're together and it's all sweet and romantic, the times when you'd normally snuggle up with him and think about how lucky you are to have each other, you're ALWAYS going to have the guilt in your mind about the cheating, it's obvious from the fact that you've posted here and your words that you're not the sort of person to cheat selfishly and then feel fine about keeping it inside, you have feelings of shame a guilt, and that means you won't be able to keep it inside. And even if you decide not to tell him, he'll know something's wrong. As Bryan said, you need to let your boyfriend know asap. It's not fair to keep this from him just because looking back, you've decided it was a mistake. If you feel you have no one to call, how about the Samaritans? or the Befrienders (US I think). They're open 24 hours a day and you can talk it over with someone anonymously who won't judge you. I can tell how much pain you're going through right now.
reservoirdog1 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 I agree with the others. It sucks that you could very well lose your relationship with your BF due to your actions, but sometimes there's simply no way of avoiding a consequence. That's life. You owe your BF the truth, because he has the right to make decisions about the course of his life armed with all the information. One of the pieces of information, unfortunately, is that his GF has it in her to cheat on him. I suppose it's great for you that the act of cheating has revealed to you what you really want, but that's neither here nor there. If you don't come clean, the relationship you continue to have with your BF will be based on a foundation of bullshyt and a massive deception. And if one day, in years to come, you find the guilt so overwhelming that you have to confess to him to ease your conscience, he's going to feel as though he's lived a lie with you for the past several years. That's far worse than telling him now and giving him the right to make his own decision. Hopefully you'll do the right thing.
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