lovesparis Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 does anyone even know what those are anymore? one minute i'm like "i'm going to be strong and f*** this m*****f******" then i'm like "what could/should i have done" then i'm like "i am so hurt" then i'm like ::exercises fiendishly:: then i'm like "what do my friends think of me that i can't hold onto a guy" then i'm like ::joins dating website:: then i'm like "i'm empowered. i'm amazing. i don't need him. i don't need any man to make me happy" then i'm like ::cries:: then i'm like "no one will ever love me. i'm broken" then i'm like "i want to call him..." then i'm like ::checks email hoping maybe he will break NC so i don't have to want to:: then i'm like "if he did contact me what would i say 'i miss you' or 'i effing hate you, you c***s*****" i never used to do this. i was madly in love with a guy when i was 16... when he broke up with me i was devastated, but at the same time i was strong. "if he doesn't want me, i don't want him. he's certainly not worth crying over" i spent a lot of time dating men i was in control of... i was in control of them, of the relationship, and of the break up. then i stopped doing that. i had a whole "make me over" moment and started dating men who i allowed myself to open up to, that i took down walls for, that i tried to have a healthy relationship with. that has worked out even less successfully than being cold and condescending PLUS i get hurt now. i can't decide if i want NC to work to get me over him, or work to make him crazy and want me back. i hate feeling crazy; up one minute and down the next. hating him in one breath and loving him in the next. the worst part of it all is that while i am angry because i am hurt. because i have been cast aside. because i really thought we had a chance at making a go of things. because he was calling me every night. because he was wanting to see me all the time. because he was calling the shots and gave me the impression he was mad for me. i am not actually angry at him. i can't find it in me to be. what he did to me sucks. but the underlying quality is a positive one. loyalty, devotion... i hate this. feeling nothing was better than feeling hurt. how do i get back to that place? i thought i made progress with myself, but i am really doubting that.
J0N Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Welcome to the club! Getting dumped sucks. Period. My ex left me three months ago, it has been a roller coaster ride since. Ups downs and everywhere in between. I just joined a dating website yesterday (never done that before) and I felt empowered, now I feel like a f**king loser who will be alone for the rest of his life. Don't break NC, a buddy of mine did only to find out his beloved ex was f**king someone else. Trust me, you don't want to know. It will only prolong the healing process. Best
dng Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 This is good. Its still fresh. You will get your answers in time. I can tell you from experience that breaking NC puts you back in a bad place, but I've done it and I got the information I needed to move on. Everybody deals with anxiety differently. You'll find your way.
dng Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Welcome to the club! Getting dumped sucks. Period. My ex left me three months ago, it has been a roller coaster ride since. Ups downs and everywhere in between. I just joined a dating website yesterday (never done that before) and I felt empowered, now I feel like a f**king loser who will be alone for the rest of his life. Don't break NC, a buddy of mine did only to find out his beloved ex was f**king someone else. Trust me, you don't want to know. It will only prolong the healing process. Best I think its good at first. I did that too and I met a couple of women, nothing serious and I was not in a place where I could do anything. I've also suggested to friends around me to do the same. Having an opposite sex friend in times like this is so awesome. In the end, that's the only thing that is left from that period, a new good friend. Anything that makes you feel better is good in my book.
Author lovesparis Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 thanks guys! i appreciate the support i know other people feel this way too, but it's good to hear it.
D78 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 lovesparis, I completely understand where you're coming from. Your post summed up a few of my days I think. When you completely open up to someone only to be dumped, it is tempting to do whatever you can to avoid feeling that pain again. I'm still not sure if I want to ever be close to anyone again. After we all get over the pain of being dumped, I think we will realize that it's better to feel something than feel nothing.
Author lovesparis Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 i am not sure of that, my friend... not sure at all. it was just so much EASIER to feel nothing. to walk away and be done w/o longing. i keep hoping his coworkers are giving him a new one.
D78 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 i am not sure of that, my friend... not sure at all. I'm not either.
Author lovesparis Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 had a pretty good weekend coping-wise. no tears, feeling like i'm moving forward... thinking of all the things i didn't like about him (making them up if i had to) not waking up with a sense of longing. not today. someone put some more quarters in the pinball machine. woke up from a dream with him-- we were trying to be "friends" but he kissed me. then blamed me for kissing him back telling me it would 'never happen' i didn't want to wake up because staying in the dream meant staying with him. this isn't the worst break up i've ever had, we weren't together long enough for that, but i think it's the 2nd worst. worse than others, even for its brevity, because i really thought we had it together... we didn't have a ton of common interests but we had intelligent conversations and debates. he stimulated me and pushed me to be better. he didn't open up to me the way i wanted, but i knew he was burned from the past and i didn't push it. maybe if i had....? he said it wouldn't have made a difference. probably wouldn't have. i just like to know that i've done everything i could to nurture a relationship. having a really hard time w/ NC today. i just want to hear his voice, see his name on an email. know he still thinks of me. feeling like maybe if i tell him i want him back, that i understand (i've been there... i was hung up on an ex and there was a time i would have left a new guy to go back to him). i have never been the breaker-upper and tried to get back together (only the breakee)... i can't imagine the fear of rejection and the balls it would take to call up someone you dumped and ask for another chance without knowing how they feel. part of me wants him to do that so we can get back together, and part me wants to protect myself from being hurt by him again. i know he does not have his sh*t together right now. i don't even know if he is making the attempt to reconcile w/ his ex-wife, just that they talked about it before sleeping together and that he is just "sick" over the whole thing. but that he has "another path he needs to travel down." today i am hoping he is miserable. that he spent his weekend doing nothing but crying, maybe even being suicidal. that he is listening to music he shared with me and missing me. that he hasn't showered. that he is depressed and hating life. that he wants to contact me but isn't b/c he wants to get over his ex before coming back to me.... i'm hoping his work performance is suffering. i'm hoping he's vomiting and beating himself up. we met on CL and i've been trolling the posts all weekend... i saw one yesterday that i thought was addressed to his ex-wife telling her to come back to him. i thought about specially tailoring a post to his interests so he would *have* to respond just so i could throw it back at him. i am mourning the "what could have been" today. i am also apparently all over the place and rambling.
GoingInsane Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Aw lovesparis, I hope you're okay. I know exactly what you're feeling. I wonder whether this obssessing and going over and over things in my head will ever stop. I too want her to be desperately unhappy today. I want her to be beating herself up over me, struggling with NC, desperate to see how I am. But I know she's not, she's out having a great time with the new lover. When will it stop? Every morning for 2 weeks I've woken up thinking about her - we split up 4 months ago. Its awful. All I can say is to stick in there, you're not alone, lots of us are in the same boat. Its good getting your feelings down in writing. Keep sharing. I'm hoping slowly the feelings will fade. They have to.
Author lovesparis Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 thanks for your support GI. it will get better, it always does. it sucks in the interim. knowing there are others feeling how we do is helpful; like we're not lost on an island unto ourselves. other people are also lost on their islands.
Author lovesparis Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 AND TO TOP IT OFF... i'm 97% sure i saw the ex-wife in starbucks today. FML
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