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Giving cheater second chance... so why am I playing cinderella to his needs?

havehope

By havehope
in Second Chances

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havehope Established Member

havehope

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I gave him/am giving him a second chance after 1.5 years. He cheated, so now I want to talk about what went wrong so it won't happen again. Communication. We never really talked after it happened, so of course its a rollercoaster conversation of angry and sad and normalcy. I have questions and things I need answered if this is going to work (no im not asking for details).

 

He gets mad at me for being emotional about it since "it was so long ago" and doesn't understand why I don't have super high self esteem, since I had it when we were dating the first time. But then he makes comments about how I need to lose weight and do my hair different and look good all the time.

 

I feel like I'm bending over backwards to make him feel comfortable in this second chance. I guess I'm bending over backwards to make him feel good so he won't have a reason to cheat again, and I already subconsciously feel pressured sexually to make him happy before I'm ready.

 

But if I don't, he'll probably just shrug his shoulders and say "oh well" and not give it a second thought... and what little dignity I have left will be completely gone.

 

How do I change it around so he's more understanding to what I need/want in this second chance that IM giving him - like he should be doing everything he can to regain my trust... or is it too late because I've already been playing cinderella?

 

I read all these posts about people being nervous and don't want to blow their second chance - wtf - he should be feel like that, not me

Edited by havehope
Billy_Boy Established Member

Billy_Boy

Posted
Posted

What did you have to give up to be with him? A bigger social life? more you time with friends etc? Going out dancing with the girls?

 

Take back some of that

 

and go to the gym or whatever if you feel the need to look a specific way, but dont do it for him, do it for you. Thats your time.

 

Start being more selfish and make him pick up the slack, if he doesnt then you will know he is just a self server and you can put him out, if he leaves, well he is doing you a favor and at least you wont have to sweat his insanity anymore.

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

Posted
Posted
How do I change it around so he's more understanding to what I need/want in this second chance that IM giving him - like he should be doing everything he can to regain my trust... or is it too late because I've already been playing cinderella?

Well, you could try talking to him.

If he won't listen or doesn't want to talk then he obviously is not ready for a mature relationship.

biochemgrl Member

biochemgrl

Posted
Posted

I hope it's somewhere inbetween total destruction of your diginity and say just yeigh high, waist length. Don't want to get caught in a flood of all the dumb **** you'll regret later on-

Walk away and move on as soon as possible, it's best for you-

Rose T Established Member

Rose T

Posted
Posted

Havehope, you've been brave to give him a second chance but you might need to set a time limit on how long you give him. If he's not making you feel good about yourself, if you're never going to get that back, then you have to be ready to leave the situation when it's right for you. If he's getting mad at you when you require communication and support that's not a good sign at all. Trust your instincts too - if you feel you're working more than he is in this relationship #2 then you probably are, and that's not cool under the circumstances.

 

My ex just asked for a second chance but because cheating was involved I had to say no even though it killed me inside :( . I need 100% trust to be myself - that funny, cool girl he fell in love with a long time ago... As long as you stay in this relationship you're denying yourself the chance to meet someone who will make you feel wonderful and at some point, you have to love yourself enough to know that it might have to be someone new.

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havehope Established Member

havehope

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Thanks everyone for your responses. I appreciate it. You all have good points.

 

Usually if I think he's acting weird, I start going over scenarios and memories/flashbacks return from the first time he cheated. When I bring it up, he says im being too over analytical and that it makes him not want to talk to me - he doesn't want to be with an overanalytical person. HE says I can't live in the past forever about that.

 

Which i feel is true to an extent.

 

But I feel like I'll never find anyone who makes me happy. That I'll never feel comfortable being intimate with anyone else.

 

I don't want to be alone. And he can be with someone new no problem.

 

Is there a way to maintain dignity when giving a cheater a second chance?

Edited by havehope
TLCbear Established Member

TLCbear

Posted
Posted
Is there a way to maintain dignity when giving a cheater a second chance?

 

Sure it is. The main thing I suggest is to be completely honest with yourself first. Ask yourself the tough questions: What was the reason(s) for giving him a second chance? What did you want him back? Do you really believe things would be different this time around? Do you know whether he is willing to put effort into making it work?

 

It's very important to know WHY you want someone back because if you ever took the time to find out, most of the time, it has nothing to do with the other person...however, it has to do with us and our fears and insecurities. You mentioned a couple of things....not wanting to be alone, never finding happiness with anyone else, and the intimate issue. Could all of these be the MAIN reasons as to why you gave him another chance?

 

You have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with someone else...that's how you maintain your dignity. Once you are honest with yourself, be honest with him. If you need to talk about what happened in the past with his infidelity to help you feel better or get closure, let him know. If he refuses, then it lets you know where he stands. Stick to your guns and let him know if he's not willing to talk about it, the relationship has to end. Don't allow him to continue to get over on you....and stop doing all the work. Sit back and let him work...if you see there's no improvements, be prepared to leave. Hope this helps.

Mary-Jane Member

Mary-Jane

Posted
Posted
Is there a way to maintain dignity when giving a cheater a second chance?

 

Been asking myself this question over and over... the answer has to be no and I know it :(

lee777 Member

lee777

Posted
Posted

"Is there a way to maintain dignity when giving a cheater a second chance?"

 

Second chances are earned, believe me, I was given one by the most perfect woman on the planet.

 

When the problem (he/she) realizes what they've done to lose their love, and they're truly repentant, THEY CHANGE! And when they change, their lover no longer calls them a "cheater".

 

With that said, I wish you the best, but it's clear that you're still very hurt and and angry. JMO ~ You're not ready to offer a second chance. But it's not your fault, it's his.

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havehope Established Member

havehope

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks everyone - your replies are greatly appreciated and listened to

Distant78 Established Member

Distant78

Posted
Posted
I gave him/am giving him a second chance after 1.5 years. He cheated, so now I want to talk about what went wrong so it won't happen again. Communication. We never really talked after it happened, so of course its a rollercoaster conversation of angry and sad and normalcy. I have questions and things I need answered if this is going to work (no im not asking for details).

 

He gets mad at me for being emotional about it since "it was so long ago" and doesn't understand why I don't have super high self esteem, since I had it when we were dating the first time. But then he makes comments about how I need to lose weight and do my hair different and look good all the time.

 

I feel like I'm bending over backwards to make him feel comfortable in this second chance. I guess I'm bending over backwards to make him feel good so he won't have a reason to cheat again, and I already subconsciously feel pressured sexually to make him happy before I'm ready.

 

But if I don't, he'll probably just shrug his shoulders and say "oh well" and not give it a second thought... and what little dignity I have left will be completely gone.

 

How do I change it around so he's more understanding to what I need/want in this second chance that IM giving him - like he should be doing everything he can to regain my trust... or is it too late because I've already been playing cinderella?

 

I read all these posts about people being nervous and don't want to blow their second chance - wtf - he should be feel like that, not me

 

I'm sorry but all I got to say is why are you even trying with this dude? He did one of the most hurtful things any human can do and you want to make sure he doesn't cheat again and he basically gives you backtalk and attitude? Telling you to get over it (and it wasn't even that long ago to begin with!)? Hell no honey, drop his lying disrespectful ass and find a better man that will NEVER treat you this way. You have EVERY RIGHT to be emotional over what he did. You DID NOT deserve it then nor do you deserve it now. What a jerk. There are other men out there than him that are looking for an honest woman like you.

gator12 Established Member

gator12

Posted
Posted

You need to make it clear to him that the comments and things are hurting your feelings, he cheated on you and I've been there before and it's a God awful feeling. Nothing in the world can compare to it. So of course you're still hurting. If you really want this second chance to work and to be better you need to communicate with him directly, men are idiots. We do alot of things and make dumb jokes that we sometimes don't even realize hurt our partners, they expect us to be as in touch with emotions as they are but we're really not. Alot of things women take seriously we don't so thats why you need to CLEARLY communicate anything that really bothers you if you ever expect him to change it. In my experience a lack of communication will kill any good relationship, and ruin any second chance.

jenifer1972 Established Member

jenifer1972

Posted
Posted

"I don't want to be alone. And he can be with someone new no problem."

 

 

He totally knows this and all his comments indicate he is using this to FULL advantage..:(

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havehope Established Member

havehope

Posted
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When I read what you guys have to say, it makes me cry because other people are validating this tiny feeling I have in my heart - that I can do better... that other people see that he's not treating me right, and that there is a guy out there for me maybe who wants a faithful relationship like I do, who wants a bestfriend in a lover, who isn't so addicted to sex to the point that it becomes destructive to a relationship.

 

And yeah... he knows I'm scared to be alone, and to be with someone else. He completely knows. He's treating me like I'll be around forever (... I'm the only one to blame for that since he knows since I've been waiting the last 1.5yrs for him to apologize and come around). I don't want him to think: Oh she'll be around forever despite what i do to her. I want him to be scared to lose me.

 

Always thought if you thought you found the one, you wouldn't f*ck around and possibly lose them - you're gunna hold on and want them for yourself.

 

And he's not. I gotta take him for what he is now - not what I want him to be, or how I think he should be acting during this second chance. I want him to apologize and realize what I went through, and how he absolutely hurt me in the worst way I've ever been betrayed. I want him to want to earn my trust back, to work for it and own up to it.

 

Can't expect things; only sets up for disappointment

 

I think my lack of self esteem originates from 1) his rejection of me initially and 2) the fact that I'm giving an undeserving man a second chance - he hasn't proved anything to me to deserve a second chance. Maybe if I stop talking to him, I'll have self esteem?

 

And you're right: WTF why does he have an attitude about the whole thing? I should be calling the shots if anything.

 

You guys have given me more insight in the last few weeks than I've managed to realize on my own this past 1.5years

Distant78 Established Member

Distant78

Posted
Posted
When I read what you guys have to say, it makes me cry because other people are validating this tiny feeling I have in my heart - that I can do better... that other people see that he's not treating me right, and that there is a guy out there for me maybe who wants a faithful relationship like I do, who wants a bestfriend in a lover, who isn't so addicted to sex to the point that it becomes destructive to a relationship.

 

And yeah... he knows I'm scared to be alone, and to be with someone else. He completely knows. He's treating me like I'll be around forever (... I'm the only one to blame for that since he knows since I've been waiting the last 1.5yrs for him to apologize and come around). I don't want him to think: Oh she'll be around forever despite what i do to her. I want him to be scared to lose me.

 

Always thought if you thought you found the one, you wouldn't f*ck around and possibly lose them - you're gunna hold on and want them for yourself.

 

And he's not. I gotta take him for what he is now - not what I want him to be, or how I think he should be acting during this second chance. I want him to apologize and realize what I went through, and how he absolutely hurt me in the worst way I've ever been betrayed. I want him to want to earn my trust back, to work for it and own up to it.

 

Can't expect things; only sets up for disappointment

 

I think my lack of self esteem originates from 1) his rejection of me initially and 2) the fact that I'm giving an undeserving man a second chance - he hasn't proved anything to me to deserve a second chance. Maybe if I stop talking to him, I'll have self esteem?

 

And you're right: WTF why does he have an attitude about the whole thing? I should be calling the shots if anything.

 

You guys have given me more insight in the last few weeks than I've managed to realize on my own this past 1.5years

 

Hey that's okay. You're brave for even trying. We've been where you are and we know it's hard to get rid of someone you've had a bond to....

 

But this jerkoff broke that bond and continues to stomp on it and laugh about it, getting pissy when you have one small request of him: To be faithful and reassuring. I tell you from personal experience that's not a true partner. Not even close and it's good to know you are realizing he won't change and he's not someone you want to waste your time with.

 

He's changed and will never be the same. Cheaters will never be the person we initially loved.

 

I can see you're afraid of leaving him because you have low self-esteem. Do you have folks you can confide in or talk to? Maybe a therapist can help. I play basketball with the locals at a near recreation center. Working out your body can help also.

 

I highly suggest you go NC with this guy and do activities that make you happy. Hanging out with close friends and leaning on their shoulders. After you completely get rid of this guy and do your journey of healing you will come out stronger and will know to stay away from cocky punks like him. We know you're hurting now and we're hear for you. You will get better.

Graceful Established Member

Graceful

Posted
Posted

havehope,

 

Someone has to say this to you, so it might as well be me.

 

You are trying to resuscitate a dead relationship. That is right, it is dead.

 

You know what they say about actions speaking louder than words?

 

Well, you've got yourself a clear cut case of actions speaking VOLUMES, and words, well, they are what they are. Not much of anything, except for the ones that seem to hurt you and are constantly telling you what to do, how to do it, not to do this, do that, stop doing this, don't come here, go away, he wants you, he doesn't want you, he wants to be by himself ... all I can say is, if you want to stay in that minefield, you must be a glutton for punishment because to put up with crappy treatment like that makes no sense, so I hope you can explain it to yourself. but don't bother explaining it to me, because there's just no excuse for putting up with it, and I don't even care what your reasons are, I won't agree anyway.:)

 

He gets mad at me for being emotional about it since "it was so long ago" and doesn't understand why I don't have super high self esteem, since I had it when we were dating the first time. But then he makes comments about how I need to lose weight and do my hair different and look good all the time.

Lovely. He won't talk to you, he picks on you, and criticizes you. Well, if that's going to raise your self-esteem, you let me know, okay?:(

 

I feel like I'm bending over backwards to make him feel comfortable in this second chance. I guess I'm bending over backwards to make him feel good so he won't have a reason to cheat again, and I already subconsciously feel pressured sexually to make him happy before I'm ready.

Done and done. Cut him loose. I mean, really, he cheated on you and dumped you, remember? He should have been a knight in shining armor to you now, tripping over himself to be back with you, doing everything he could to please you after hurting you the way he did. So what the heck are you doing walking on eggshells again?

 

So unless I missed something in your post, he's acting cold, heartless, and like he's doing you a favor. Doesn't sound quite right to me. :rolleyes:

 

Have some pride and dignity. Please. Relationships are not work projects, they are works IN progress. Now I don't see one iota of progress that was made in all the months you were apart, and I don't see any progress on the horizon either. Here, take a look for yourself ... do you?

 

How do I change it around so he's more understanding to what I need/want in this second chance that IM giving him - like he should be doing everything he can to regain my trust... or is it too late because I've already been playing cinderella?

You don't change it, because people don't change. Can't you see that? You're beating a dead horse. It's dead, I am telling you. Time to dismount. Sorry, but save yourself more heartache and cut this loser out of your life STAT.

 

Then pick yourself up and regain your self worth. That's a much better investment of your time and will pay big dividends when you go out and meet someone who will treat you right.

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