donnamaybe Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 TWO YEARS!? I wouldn't even wait two years in a R with a single guy to hear those words. I'm betting some pressure was recently put on, whether verbal or just implied through some other means, and he's saying it to keep you dangling on the string.
jwi71 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 You know, I think most MM do feel something kinda like love for the OW. I don't doubt that at all. The problem is it ISNT LOVE. Its...love-ish. I hope I'm wrong OP. I hope your MM gets D and marries you and lives forever after in wedded bliss. However. He doesn't love you ENOUGH.... ...to leave. The reasons for staying are really immaterial - and likely just an excuse anyway (imo). The fact remains, that, at the end of the day, they don't leave (often). And to me, that says, clearly, I don't love you enough. But I DO love you enough to KEEP you here...as the OW. Is a MM so daft as to NOT know he hurts the "woman he loves"? Maybe. If so, I'd say choose another man for this reason alone. He has the emotional IQ of a pebble. It is more likely HE does know. Also likely he KNOWS exactly what you want. Yet chooses otherwise. And this, as it happens time again over a period of time, hurts. And what kind of man INTENTIONALLY hurts the woman he loves? Why not set her free so she can live a rich and deserving life...because he loves her. Confused about which woman is the "her" above...good, it works for BOTH women in his life. In my view...the WS (as it can be either MM/MW)...doesn't love the AP or the BS enough. To each they cling professing love. And then promptly hurting them, repeatedly...over and over and over. And do so knowingly...with INTENT. Love-ish maybe too much credit given methinks. Anyways...off my soapbox. OP...some of that is specific to you...others more general in nature. Simply based on his actions...he doesn't love you. Sorry. I hope you do find love some day.
KickinCowgirl Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 ahaha well my MM is married to a woman who is 18 years older than him.. ahaha hopefully she'll die first.. . wow your karma's gotta rock and would like to clarify not because you are involved with a MM...but because that is the worst thing I have read here so far. :|
bentnotbroken Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 ahaha well my MM is married to a woman who is 18 years older than him.. ahaha hopefully she'll die first.. i completely understand ur feeling hun.. i'm crazy about my dear friend.. i lost my virginity to him, we've known each other before he got married and let me tell u .. i am crazy over that man!!!! good luck to u. maybe there's a happy place for us.. :eek:Death knows no age...maybe he will die first...then what?
fooled once Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Well I am happy that he said he loves me. It was not a carrot because there was no reason at all for him to say it, but he said it and it was hard for him to admit.:love: and thanks Heather, you are exactly right, he would not have told me after all this time if it was not true. I know it is anyhow because it is not just words it is feelings. We are talking about what to do about it now but it is complicated. And also, just because he does not say it, does not mean that he does not love you. I know that. I wonder what his wife thinks when he says he loves her? Is it just words? Is it heartfelt? All affairs are complicated. After 2 years, it isn't complicated, it is easy. You don't expect anything out of him and he doesn't have to give up the life he shares with his wife. Why not tell you he loves you? It doesn't mean he is leaving. They are just words - anyone can say those words. People tell their pets they love them, people tell their friends they love them. People tell roommates they love them. ACTIONS mean something.
siuys Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I'm sure he loves you, just not quite enough perhaps. Or just enough to keep you around.
2sunny Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 that is all i want from him. couldn't be true. you probably caused some chaos and allowed him to think you may walk... enough for him to finally tell you something he was unwilling to tell before... or he does love you for the mere fact that you are a woman that doesn't want more from him - you are happy enough to be quiet while he cheats on his wife. any cheating man would love that... a woman who wants nothing but empty words so she'll be good little girl who stays quiet in her proper place in his life. why don't YOU want more? i would love to know - YOU should want more for yourself than that, i want more for you and i don't even know you... a man who loves you would DO ANYTHING in order to be with you.
2sunny Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 he wants what he wants - at YOUR expense. is that good enough for you? sounds selfish and self serving to me - what do you get... nothing except a delusion that he cares... he's feeding his ego to help HIM be happy - all at the expense of you. you will never move forward and find an available man as long as get fills THAT void - he knows it too... that's why it's so selfish of him... but, in order for that to happen - you have to participate and go along with it... is that what you want to do for him... because it's not going to be good for YOU in the long run. he's getting you to do what's best for him - all at the expense of you... IF you let him. don't let him. I want him to leave but have not pressured him, I want him to make love to me because I love him so much. He knows he loves me so how can he even think we could be friends or is it just a label anyhow that takes off the pressure. I feel so ill today, so sick and totally depressed. Missing someone so badly sucks.:lmao: So Heather NC did not work for you then. And SB how long have you been NC, has he tried to break it? I think MM are never that honest with their BS because it would be hard enough being honest with themselves about their feelings. form your prior thread... his guilt tells you he won't bear the pain and leave his W to be with "the one he loves" a friendship is what he previously asked for - it's too tough to be friends when one loves more than the other. he's still selfish. if you actually knew his truth - you wouldn't want him - that may be part of his guilt as well... he's ultimately a cheater... you deserve more... he knows that.
twinsmom Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I heard the same words after almost 3 years of waiting to hear them..I was ecstatic..Surely those words must mean something!! Or so I thought..In less than a years time, he was gone, without so much as as a word..Poof! He was gone! I hope your ectasy lasts longer than mine..
Author lovingagain Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 form your prior thread... his guilt tells you he won't bear the pain and leave his W to be with "the one he loves" a friendship is what he previously asked for - it's too tough to be friends when one loves more than the other. he's still selfish. if you actually knew his truth - you wouldn't want him - that may be part of his guilt as well... he's ultimately a cheater... you deserve more... he knows that. Thank you for quoting that, I had forgotten how I felt, how deeply miserable I was without him in NC, it did not last. We got together again and it was amazing, I knew he loved me then. He said I deserve more, but right now, it is too complicated as we both have sh.. going on, he has not said that, I know it is, enough said. Being loved by him gives me the strength to deal with the pain, and him saying it, even though I knew he did, makes all the difference because he was saying it out loud and he was accepting that it was true to himself as well.
Ladyblue Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Sheesh, you are not allowed to be happy here are you? You can not have a moment of ecstacy. Even people not in affairs are not that happy all the time. I am wishing I did not tell you. I am glad I am not married to the same person for 30 years and wishing I was the one who dies first. )joke))) Yes, you're allowed to be happy, but it's hard for us to join you, when we've been there, and we see you dancing the dance of love and ecstasy, dangling by a thread over the flaming pit. Like Twinsmom, I hope your ecstasy lasts longer than mine did. We'd known each other all our lives, in love since we were children, separated by circumstances beyond our control. Talk about history. We had it! When we re-connected, it was so strong, so intense. I KNEW he loved me. Not a shadow of a doubt. Their kids were grown, married, and living 1,000's of miles away. Their marriage was dead. There was no love there, on either side. His wife was in a long-term PA with a man she truly loved. And he truly loved me. If there was ever a couple who were going to make it, it was us. Two and a half years we were together. SO much love. He disappeared last November. Went silent on me without so much as a good-bye. I heard through the grapevine he and W were in MC, and planning to build their dream home. It has definitely colored my understanding of what "I love you" really means. I'll just leave it at this: the more intense the "love," the more intense the pain. Good luck to you.
seren Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 am glad I am not married to the same person for 30 years and wishing I was the one who dies first. My H always says this, he hopes he dies before me, simply because he would not want to live a moment without me. If someone says they love you, then they will follow through on actions to be with you, not next week or next year, but tomorrow. To knowingly share someone you love with another simply does not compute - it's possibly why very, very few BS settle for knowingly sharing their H's after D Day and possibly one of the reasons that MP hide their A's so well. If it is to preserve, money, houses etc then I think I would question whether the MP was even worth my love.
2sunny Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Thank you for quoting that, I had forgotten how I felt, how deeply miserable I was without him in NC, it did not last. We got together again and it was amazing, I knew he loved me then. He said I deserve more, but right now, it is too complicated as we both have sh.. going on, he has not said that, I know it is, enough said. Being loved by him gives me the strength to deal with the pain, and him saying it, even though I knew he did, makes all the difference because he was saying it out loud and he was accepting that it was true to himself as well. he says you deserve more because he also knows he loves his wife - enough to stay with her over ending the M to be with you.
starlight102 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 (edited) Sheesh, you are not allowed to be happy here are you? You can not have a moment of ecstacy. Even people not in affairs are not that happy all the time. I am wishing I did not tell you. I am glad I am not married to the same person for 30 years and wishing I was the one who dies first. )joke))) I agree with you. I also find that much of what it is said here from many members is not supportive and the tone and disdain for the OW/OM is evident. I read here all the time from members who are OW/OM and appreciate some of the insights from those who I feel provide valuable information and give me something to think about whether they are in an affair or have been there and are lending their expeience. These are the members who provide me with insight and make me think about things from another perspective. Edited January 16, 2011 by starlight102
Author lovingagain Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 .............. If someone To knowingly share someone you love with another simply does not compute - it's possibly why very, very few BS settle for knowingly sharing their H's after D Day and possibly one of the reasons that MP hide their A's so well. If it is to preserve, money, houses etc then I think I would question whether the MP was even worth my love. With all respect Seren I believe you are a bs. You would not understand why my MM , despite his loving me, would not want to hurt everyone and just leave without putting a hell of a lot of thought into it, hell I don't want him to either. He has just accepted that he loves me and that is the start of what we are going to do about it. Everyone who has not been in this situation says, f he loves you, he would move heaven and earth to be with you, but what if that involved really really upsetting many many people, surely he would not be worth much if he just walked out without seriously thinking about it, I would not expect him to and I would not respect that.
Author lovingagain Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 he says you deserve more because he also knows he loves his wife - enough to stay with her over ending the M to be with you. No he loves his family more than me, I respect that
BB07 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 With all respect Seren I believe you are a bs. You would not understand why my MM , despite his loving me, would not want to hurt everyone and just leave without putting a hell of a lot of thought into it, hell I don't want him to either. He has just accepted that he loves me and that is the start of what we are going to do about it. Everyone who has not been in this situation says, f he loves you, he would move heaven and earth to be with you, but what if that involved really really upsetting many many people, surely he would not be worth much if he just walked out without seriously thinking about it, I would not expect him to and I would not respect that. I'm afraid that you are missing something important here. He is already hurting you......a lot and he is hurting his family even though they might not be aware of it yet. Try to think of it objectively......it took this man 2 years to tell you that he loves you. If it took him that long to tell you, I would think it will take a lot longer for him to do something about it, right? Also......the odds are greatly against him really doing anything. Can you live with that? How much longing and wanting what you don't have can you deal with before enough is enough? People who truly love us, do not hurt us and from your other posts, this relationship is hurting you, right? To make excuses for someone causing us pain, only hurts more the longer we allow it.
Author lovingagain Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 I'm afraid that you are missing something important here. He is already hurting you......a lot and he is hurting his family even though they might not be aware of it yet. Try to think of it objectively......it took this man 2 years to tell you that he loves you. If it took him that long to tell you, I would think it will take a lot longer for him to do something about it, right? Also......the odds are greatly against him really doing anything. Can you live with that? How much longing and wanting what you don't have can you deal with before enough is enough? People who truly love us, do not hurt us and from your other posts, this relationship is hurting you, right? To make excuses for someone causing us pain, only hurts more the longer we allow it. I know it hurts, but it hurts more to be without him and he is the same. He has said how much he's hurting and he is hurting me and we are a bit stuck for now, I am well aware of that, I don't need you to tell me.
BB07 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I know it hurts, but it hurts more to be without him and he is the same. He has said how much he's hurting and he is hurting me and we are a bit stuck for now, I am well aware of that, I don't need you to tell me. So how long are you willing to hurt in hopes of things working out?
Author lovingagain Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 So how long are you willing to hurt in hopes of things working out? How can you put a time limit on love.
Ladyblue Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 (edited) How can you put a time limit on love. As an OW in a long-term EA, I once felt the same way. I had loved him since I was a child, we were separated by circumstance, and I thought I would love him till the day I died. I thought our love story was one for the ages. We reconnected and had a passionate EA for nearly three years. But after a while, even before he walked, I had begun to realize that a lot of what we had was not real love. It was selfishness, ego stroking, and pain relief. I began to realize that in a lot of ways, I was his "aspirin," for an achy marriage. That his attentions were more about making himself feel good, more about a fantasy escape for him, and less about real love for me. That if he loved me the way he said he did, he would have been with me; he could not have gone on so long, loving me so much, without being with me. After a while, the loneliness, the empty bed and breakfast table, facing life's ups and downs and trials with him only marginally present, took it's toll. I wanted a real life, and real plans with a real man. Not pie in the sky someday when. It all started looking a whole lot less like love I was wasting my years and my life on. Edited January 16, 2011 by Ladyblue
TigerCub Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Hey lovingagain, You seem happy at the moment, he finally admitted that he loves you and that is a really big milestone in your eyes, so I'm happy for you that you're happy. Having been in your shoes before, I feel this urge to tell you all the things wrong with As and warn you so you don't get hurt and blah blah,, but it seems like everyone is already doing that. Besides, right now, you're not going to listen to it really anyways, because you fianlly got your 5 mins of happiness and you want them to last and you want to enjoy it. Somethings we have to learn on our own, and the lesson isn't always the same for everyone. If you're happy, that's great. Be happy. My only little bit of advice to you is to just try and be objective sometimes and be as honest as you can be with yourself at least about your needs, you feelings and what you really want for yourself. Good luck to you.
starlight102 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 With all respect Seren I believe you are a bs. You would not understand why my MM , despite his loving me, would not want to hurt everyone and just leave without putting a hell of a lot of thought into it, hell I don't want him to either. He has just accepted that he loves me and that is the start of what we are going to do about it. Everyone who has not been in this situation says, f he loves you, he would move heaven and earth to be with you, but what if that involved really really upsetting many many people, surely he would not be worth much if he just walked out without seriously thinking about it, I would not expect him to and I would not respect that. I agree with you. I also wouldn't respect my MM if he just picked up and left without any thought. There are many things involved with leaving a spouse. Yes, there are finances, but more than that, when children are involved that is greatly taken into consideration. It's not always easy. Then again, many marriages aren't easy either. I was in a marriage that wasn't easy, and I can say that I've had more joy, love, and hope for the future than I ever had when I was married.
starlight102 Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Hey lovingagain, You seem happy at the moment, he finally admitted that he loves you and that is a really big milestone in your eyes, so I'm happy for you that you're happy. Having been in your shoes before, I feel this urge to tell you all the things wrong with As and warn you so you don't get hurt and blah blah,, but it seems like everyone is already doing that. Besides, right now, you're not going to listen to it really anyways, because you fianlly got your 5 mins of happiness and you want them to last and you want to enjoy it. Somethings we have to learn on our own, and the lesson isn't always the same for everyone. If you're happy, that's great. Be happy. My only little bit of advice to you is to just try and be objective sometimes and be as honest as you can be with yourself at least about your needs, you feelings and what you really want for yourself. Good luck to you. I really appreciate how you worded your message. It sometimes is difficult to be objective when we are in the position as an OW. I am always forthright with my MM - what my needs are, what I want, need, etc., and he is with me as well. One thing I have learned after all these years is that all relationships are different because each person is different. Not all MMs are the same and have the same mindset, just as not all marriages the same for everyone.
pureinheart Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I really appreciate how you worded your message. It sometimes is difficult to be objective when we are in the position as an OW. I am always forthright with my MM - what my needs are, what I want, need, etc., and he is with me as well. One thing I have learned after all these years is that all relationships are different because each person is different. Not all MMs are the same and have the same mindset, just as not all marriages the same for everyone. This is equally awesome SL...hahaha, cookie cutter just doesn't cut it...does it!
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