Hannah86 Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 My ex and I were "together" for 5 months. Lots of games, bad relationship, hated my friends, I hated his friends, etc. All of my girlfriends were there for me, for the fall out, and my new, improved boyfriend I got about a week later that I am still with (it's been 8 months). My ex and I have moved on, he seems happy with his girlfriend. However... Since those 8 months, he has made a conscious effort to show each and every one of my friends what a "great guy" he is, and he is succeeding. The whole, "you only heard her side" schpiel. Now, one of my BEST friends is staying in a house for a ski trip in Aspen with him, his new girlfriend, more of his friends, and one of our mutual acquaintances...my girlfriend will know only my ex and one other there. Another one of my best friends put up a picture of herself with him from a party on facebook. This has been going on for a while. I have approached my friends about it, and they don't really react. At this point, they don't want to get involved. The reason why I care is--it makes it really awkward for my boyfriend to be around them. I think they are being disrespectful. Should I get new friends, or approach my ex and ask him WTF he is doing? Note: he hasn't hung out with his old buddies in MONTHS. Another Note: these "girlfriends" of mine are single and older than me (i'm 24 they're 27 but we've been friends for 5 years), and my boyfriend's friends are awesome
Billy_Boy Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 You really have no right to tell them who they can befriend. Esp if they became his friends over time. My suggestion would be to make new friends and if your old friends ask why you don't come around anymore, let them know the truth. That you would like to, but that they are friended up with your ex, which makes it difficult for your bf to to be around them, they might try to blame your BF for being insecure, but it seems like you are just trying to make things run smoothly for yourself. In that case usually you have to make a choice as to what is more important to you, your BFs comfort and your relationship with him, or remaining tight with your girlfriends.
Author Hannah86 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Billy--thank you for your answer. If my "friends" are acting like this now, I don't feel that they are genuine, whereas my boyfriend definitely is. Like, talks about marriage, has no loyalty problems with HIS friends... Do you think it was wrong that I gave the one going to Aspen a piece of my mind? I didn't yell at her, it was over chat, but I told her I was 100% not okay with it and that I felt betrayed. I feel dumb that it will get back to him. I guess I'm hoping he will eventually stop, go back to his old friends, or hang out with his girl's friends. She is 21, so I don't see how compatible my girlfriends are with that environment. I also think that letting go of this group of girls and getting rid of this drama will be refreshing, although the thought of them getting angry and telling my ex how much I hate them and their friendship with him makes me sick.
Billy_Boy Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Billy--thank you for your answer. If my "friends" are acting like this now, I don't feel that they are genuine, whereas my boyfriend definitely is. Like, talks about marriage, has no loyalty problems with HIS friends... Do you think it was wrong that I gave the one going to Aspen a piece of my mind? I didn't yell at her, it was over chat, but I told her I was 100% not okay with it and that I felt betrayed. I feel dumb that it will get back to him. I guess I'm hoping he will eventually stop, go back to his old friends, or hang out with his girl's friends. She is 21, so I don't see how compatible my girlfriends are with that environment. I also think that letting go of this group of girls and getting rid of this drama will be refreshing, although the thought of them getting angry and telling my ex how much I hate them and their friendship with him makes me sick. Well, I dunno If I am the appropriate one to talk about. I usually always put my woman 1st, I keep "friends" but see, I never bought into the concept that friends are > then all else. most of the betrayals I experienced in life came at the hands of my so called "friends" even best friends. So I keep acquaintances for different reasons. (mostly because I am into loyalty and would feel the same you you do) so I don't buy into the notion that friends last forever... boyfriends dont always last forever, is what the friends chant to each other, what they forget to mention is that you outgrow certain friends as well. As per the Aspen one, if she is your friend for real, she would have known it was going to annoy you, if she doesn't care, then why should you care about her or what she does? As for getting new friends, well... who cares if your old ones tell your ex? You have your BF now and all the potential in the world to meet all new friends. And at 25, youre getting to that point where you are probably beginning to itch to leave behind that whole "scene" from college that many of your girls are probably still stuck hopelessly in. my GF turns 25 in OCT, I turned 30 yesterday lol... She is sort of going through something similar, in that she knows that the environment her friends etc are in and the stuff they do isnt conducive to a happy relationship and life, which is what she wants she wants to be in love, she wants to be serious with me, but she knows that as long as she tries to keep up clubbing, doing all those old things, trips to Jamaica with the girls, meeting dudes that I am not going to be serious with her, so shes kind of, pulling away from them. I see the efforts she is making, so I have been working double time trying to find NEW things for us to do, new people to meet, especially other couples. I dunno if this will help, hopefully.
Author Hannah86 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Billy your perspective is so awesome. It's definitely a "scene" that I still feel attached to, and I also want to settle down with my perfect guy, so its been a battle of those two. He has been good about encouraging me to confront them. I usually try to play the cool card, but I thought being open and honest with my friends would be good, but I think it actually is backfiring. I feel really self-conscious about my lack of good girls at the moment. We had a good 5-year run and we always told each other how lucky we were to have such good girlfriends, but now I don't think they're good at all. EVEN IF they feel justified in being really close with my ex, they have been really insensitive with how they've handled it and my feelings and the feelings of my boyfriend. I admire you and your girlfriend breaking away from the chaos. Best of luck to both of you. I'll be doing the same/ gelling more with his friends.
Billy_Boy Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Billy your perspective is so awesome. It's definitely a "scene" that I still feel attached to, and I also want to settle down with my perfect guy, so its been a battle of those two. He has been good about encouraging me to confront them. I usually try to play the cool card, but I thought being open and honest with my friends would be good, but I think it actually is backfiring. I feel really self-conscious about my lack of good girls at the moment. We had a good 5-year run and we always told each other how lucky we were to have such good girlfriends, but now I don't think they're good at all. EVEN IF they feel justified in being really close with my ex, they have been really insensitive with how they've handled it and my feelings and the feelings of my boyfriend. I admire you and your girlfriend breaking away from the chaos. Best of luck to both of you. I'll be doing the same/ gelling more with his friends. Hehe, the thing about honesty is that its like a new puppy, its cute and it makes your heart warm sometimes, but it also craps all over the carpet and requires a lot of personal sacrifice to face. I find in life that people only want honesty when A. its flattering B. they already know you lied and not knowing is driving them nuts. other then that most people look at honesty as the party pooper. Mostly because people have all these expectations on the way things should be, which is typically a highly idealized version of reality... in truth things are never so easy. Honesty is like the raincloud on the parade sometimes, which is probably why your friends are getting alarmed at it, they don't want honesty, they want the good times to keep on rolling. To me it smacks of immaturity if they cant take the honesty as a gift, and see it only as you badgering them... in that case, it doesn't sound like they're such great friends... I have been in situations like this, and again why I don't call people "friends" I call them acquaintances or buddies. But you sound like you are onto bigger and better things, so kudos to that, your gf's may just be getting outgrown by you. Its sad, but it happens. I cant even be around ollllld friends from when I was a teen anymore because who I was back then vs now are very very different in terms of maturity.
Author Hannah86 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 The weekend went super well. Made closer friends with some of my boyfriend's girlfriends and their girlfriends...and hung out with family. The initial shock of betrayal has simmered down and although I'm still distancing myself from those old girlfriends, it once again proves that time heals all. It's weird how you can feel like you have 100% love for someone then a week later, after a falling out, you don't feel like you ever knew them (this time I mean a girlfriend, but in the past I have felt this way with lovers). My boyfriend and I also have about 3 weekends lined up with trips, so we will avoid the bar scene and my old cronies altogether. Hip hip hooray for moving on from evil girls!
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