Hannah86 Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 My ex and I were "together" for 5 months. Lots of games, bad relationship, hated my friends, I hated his friends, etc. All of my girlfriends were there for me, for the fall out, and my new, improved boyfriend I got about a week later that I am still with (it's been 8 months). My ex and I have moved on, he seems happy with his girlfriend. However... Since those 8 months, he has made a conscious effort to show each and every one of my friends what a "great guy" he is, and he is succeeding. The whole, "you only heard her side" schpiel. Now, one of my BEST friends is staying in a house for a ski trip in Aspen with him, his new girlfriend, more of his friends, and one of our mutual acquaintances...my girlfriend will know only my ex and one other there. Another one of my best friends put up a picture of herself with him from a party on facebook. This has been going on for a while. I have approached my friends about it, and they don't really react. At this point, they don't want to get involved. The reason why I care is--it makes it really awkward for my boyfriend to be around them. I think they are being disrespectful. Should I get new friends, or approach my ex and ask him WTF he is doing? Note: he hasn't hung out with his old buddies in MONTHS.
imagine Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 You and your friends have shaped this man. He is trying to impress them. There is bad blood between you and this man. I would not want to be in my ex girlfriends company once we had broken up. Explain the situation to your present boyfriend: Be specific why you want to avoid the ex. Either negotiate with ex (boyfriend should be present) not to speak to each other or to avoid each other when friends are present. Should these negotiations not pan out, discuss with boyfriend to remove yourselves from the present company. Your friends have NO IDEA what you went through and I doubt that they really care. Your GOOD friend certainly does not sound that good.
Analeigh Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Oh honey, I have been there. It was hard. It hurt a hell of a lot. Be prepared, because I have very bad news. You are going to lose some of your friends from this. The GOOD news is that you are usually better off without those particular friends. My ex and I were together for only 5 months. He was a rebound for me, and I was his first girlfriend. He got way too serious too quickly and I almost fell for it. We were in a LDR and I couldn't see the really bad parts of his personality. When I finally realized that he was clingy, unmotivated, fat (ok, I knew that one), jealous, moody, over-emotional, and had huge anger issues, we had already planned a vacation with my family. Yikes! I tried to muddle through but couldn't handle it and dumped him in the middle of it. He went crazy. He made a concentrated effort to befriend my friends, and turn them against me. Those he had already met, he told lies to and tried to sway them to his "side". He even added friend of mine to his facebook that he had NEVER met. He then did the same to them. I reacted in what I thought was a reasonable way, and asked my friends to not talk to him. A few of my friends took this like I was as awful as he said, because "I shouldn't ask that of someone", and "You can't control who I talk to." I had to make the difficult choice with a few friends to cut them off. By choosing to befriend and believe my ex, whom they had never even met in person, they betrayed my trust. One friend kicked me out of her wedding. She and her fiance ended up inviting my ex to come for a vacation and stay with them. ugh. I almost lost a friend of 9 years because they started to believe my ex too. Eventually, after a few months that friend came back to me and apologized, and we are now fine. Sorry this is long. And I'm really sorry you have to go through this. It will be hard. You can try talking to the ex - it didn't work for me. He did it specifically to hurt me. He even posted about me on his blog, I actually had to threaten legal action to get it taken down. I would approach your friends and ket them know how much this hurts and/or affects you. If they are real friends, they will stop including him.
Author Hannah86 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Wow, thank you for your post and advice. I guess if my friends want to go with the ex and be on his side, then I don't need them anyway. While my ex doesn't have a blog, he has turned to the internet to build himself and his girlfriend up, weedle into my friend's facebook photo album, and now his girlfriend is annoyingly posting on the walls of her new friends (my old friends) as soon as they accept her request, "marking her territory." The funny thing about it is, my friends are 2 to 3 years older than me...they are 5 to 6 years older than she is. It is painfully obvious what is going on, and my ex and his new girl constantly switch their photos from a couple pic to individual ones, so he obviously is fighting with her the same way he did me, making her feel insecure, and probably trying to turn her into me. I have no doubt that this will all backfire eventually on them, so for the time being, I'm going to distance myself from my friends. I realize my careful monitoring might appear that I'm not over him. I am over him, but I am trying to guard my friends that I've had for years, my reputation, and my life. If I take a little bit of joy in knowing that their act is all a facade, then let me relish in it If my friends come around, great. If they don't, they don't. My boyfriend and I are spending the weekend with my family, and his friends (big parties). I look forward to meeting new girls that are friends with my boyfriend, and build on HIS relationships that he has had for years.
Author Hannah86 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Also, my boyfriend knows exactly what is going on and it makes his blood BOIL. He absolutely hates my ex. He understands what is going on and he, too, doesn't want to be around it.
Analeigh Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I don't think your monitoring of this means you aren't over him. I think it means you miss your friends, and feel really betrayed by them. You should, that's a valid feeling because they ARE betraying you. It has taken almost two years for this to settle for me. Overall, it turned my former best friend into a downright enemy, and she and her now-husband went out of their way for a long time to make things bad for me. I lost three other "friends." The rest of them eventually realized what was going on, and apologized to me for getting sucked into it. In the end you will probably lose a few friends, but many of them will probably come back. It's up to you at that point to decide how you feel about it. ((hugs)), it is awesome that your boyfriend is supporting you through this and understands.
Author Hannah86 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 The weekend went super well. Made closer friends with some of my boyfriend's girlfriends and their girlfriends...and hung out with family. The initial shock of betrayal has simmered down and although I'm still distancing myself from those old girlfriends, it once again proves that time heals all. It's weird how you can feel like you have 100% love for someone then a week later, after a falling out, you don't feel like you ever knew them (this time I mean a girlfriend, but in the past I have felt this way with lovers). Thank you LS-ers for your support. My boyfriend and I also have about 3 weekends lined up with trips, so we will avoid the bar scene and my old cronies altogether. Hip hip hooray for moving on from evil girls!
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