Miss_G Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Hi, I was with my ex for 4 half years and we have a one-year-old child. I have had problems with his family in the past, they're very over powering and treat their son like a child whereas I'm independant. Needless to say, my ex and I would argue about how 'involved' they would be in our house. By involved, I meant me wanting them to call around to see our child whenever they wanted and have a cup of tea or whatever, the same relationship I have with my mother. He, however, wanted to continue the treatment he had when he lived with his parents. This is basically them calling round to put the washing out, tidy up and do the washing up. That sounds wonderful I'm sure but I began to feel my privacy was being invaded. I spoke to ex several times. He did nothing. As you can imagine, little things start to become big things when they're ignored and continued. I also suffered from post-natal depression (this was diagnosed by the doctor and I chose to take no anti-depressants...because of this ex believes I was not really depressed...the logical behind that I will never know as he was there when I was diagnosed!) Anyway, cutting a long story short, we split up, me walking out on him. I have done this before but, as I stressed to him, only when I felt I couldn't cope and love for him would bring me back. I tried to make up a few days later hoping he would understand how upset I was about how things were. He did not want to make up. I ended up having an arguement with his mum, etc, etc. Lots of problems. We have been separated 4 months now. During this time we have been 'working on things', ie. going on dates, texting, talking online. However, my ex would randomly stop talking and go quiet for several days which was confusing and annoying! Then I started getting reports he was dating others. He denied them all, swearing on his child's life and getting irate with me for believing others. I trusted him and believed him. However, only last week, he went completely off the boil. Ignoring me and only contacting me for our son. I confronted him at the weekend to which he said HE'D now heard reports I was dating someone. The man he named is a friend I haven't seen for years and in the last week or so has admitted to fancying me. I told him straight that things weren't sorted with my ex. I quoted the 'trusting others over me' to my ex and he said I could 'do what I wanted'. Last night we had a heated discussion about us. He said he would always love me but didn't feel we could make things better. I asked him if that meant he was done. He said I was painting him as the 'bad guy' because I could tell people I wanted to get back and he didn't. I said that that seemed to be the case. He would never actually SAY he was finished though! I pushed and pushed and he would just keep saying 'whatever'. I'm sorry it's so long. But I really need the help. Our child is involved in this and I don't want to let it go unless I know it's 100% over! He left last night saying he was too tired and emotional to talk. Emotional? Please help. What do you make of the situation?
Author Miss_G Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Please could someone help me. I'm about to scream I don't know what to do anymore.
Am4Real Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Let me get this straight…you’ve each walked out on the other due to building incompatibilities, you agree to date and keep in touch but both throw fits of sorts when you find out each other is dating. Have I got this right? Goodness, what on earth do you each want and what is the purpose of the separation? I don’t want to hear why you both separated, I get that already, I want you to tell us what YOU want and WHAT THE PURPOSE OF SEPARATING is/was in your mind? There must have been a purpose of you would have dumped him permanently whether there was a child involved or not. Once you tell us what you want and explain your thinking in a more concise manner perhaps we’ll have a better insight into your dilemma and can offer a suggestion or more. Best wishes, Am4Real
Author Miss_G Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Neither of us has dated since we split, well I haven't and he says he hasn't. I desperately want us to be back together. That is my wish. He has said he doesn't think we can make things better but won't say for definate that he has given up on us and is ready to move on. He seems angry at the prospect of me being with someone else. In terms of why we split, I left him because I felt I couldn't cope anymore. We argued a lot other silly things, I was battling post-natal depression and I needed time apart to think. I have walked out before when things have gotten too much. We have openly said we are on a 'break' and letting ourselves have time to think. He has always begged me to come back. He has said this time that he is 'sick of begging'. He said he wouldn't want to put anyone through the trauma of begging someone yet keeps me hanging on a string miserably hoping we'll get back.
Am4Real Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Miss G, In your original post you said "During this time we have been 'working on things', ie. Going on dates, texting, talking online" leading to my confusion. When you took your break (which is really a break up, btw), did you both mention it was okay to date or was there deliberate talk about working on your issues and then revisiting the relationship? If neither of you are being open and straight with each other during these fights and mini break ups and not communicating clearly what you want and what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship, it will be difficult to mend what is broken. Just wanting him back is desperation and loneliness pulling at your broken heart; until you both decide on ground rules and relationship guidelines this situation will only repeat itself over and over. Try writing down your thoughts, your rules, what you as a human being will accept and will not accept. Put that list away for a few hours or even a day, then come back and revisit it. Refine the list as necessary. When you're finished and satisfied study it well; then arrange for a face-to-face meeting with him and talk about your list. If he balks at your list and your desires for straight communication you will know your next steps without me telling you. You just might be surprised at how a formal and planned communication session helps both of you. Good luck.
Author Miss_G Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 If I could get him to talk. He has now clammed up altogether. When initially broke up it was a SPLIT. No 'thinking time'. There had been mini-breaks throughout our relationship but this time I was so miserable with our relationship that I called the whole thing off. Naturally, after a couple of weeks I missed him and wanted to work on things. He did not. After a couple more weeks, we got more friendly in our relationship and we decided to work on our relationship, going out, etc. There were complications along the way which I won't go into that have caused our 'working on things' to hit some stumbling blocks. He told me he still loved me and would never stop loving me but that doesn't think things will get better. I was just looking for others opinions on whether he needed more time to contemplate our relationship, cool off or whether he was completely done. I text him earlier inviting him for something to eat next week to talk. He hasn't replied.
Am4Real Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 If I could get him to talk. He has now clammed up altogether. When initially broke up it was a SPLIT. No 'thinking time'. There had been mini-breaks throughout our relationship but this time I was so miserable with our relationship that I called the whole thing off. Naturally, after a couple of weeks I missed him and wanted to work on things. He did not. After a couple more weeks, we got more friendly in our relationship and we decided to work on our relationship, going out, etc. There were complications along the way which I won't go into that have caused our 'working on things' to hit some stumbling blocks. He told me he still loved me and would never stop loving me but that doesn't think things will get better. I was just looking for others opinions on whether he needed more time to contemplate our relationship, cool off or whether he was completely done. I text him earlier inviting him for something to eat next week to talk. He hasn't replied. I read all that in your earliers posts. Put time nd effort into your recovery and put together your list. Do no contact him then, let him come to you and if he does you will be well prepared and not working from emotion but working from facts and needs. Do you understand what I'm telling you?
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