Confusedalways Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 (edited) A friend of mine recently told me it's "very clear her boyfriend loves her more than she loves him." To me, this signals it is time for a SERIOUS look at the relationship. To her, it was casual and she may as well have been discussing what she had for breakfast. I'm interested in hearing what people have to say about this. Is someone supposed to love less? Do you know if you're the one loving less? I may be naive, but I was truly under the impression that in an adult relationship, both partners loved equally. When you realize someone loves more, does that open the door for breaking up? Will someone always love more in relationships, as true equality is impossible? Is there degrees of loving someone? Does knowing your partner love you more give a weird sense of control? Very curious to hear everyone's views/ experiences. Edited January 13, 2011 by Confusedalways
tigressA Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I feel that in truly adult relationships, it doesn't matter how much each feels for the other (within reason) because it's not a contest to win. All that matters is that each is happy with the fact they go home with each other at the end of the day. I would be and have been very turned off by the assertion that I loved my partner more or less than they loved me. If there is a serious discrepancy, such as viewing the relationship in different ways, then yes it should be looked at. Otherwise, no.
OceanGirl Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 In all my relationships there was clearly one person that loved/liked more. I was always super-aware of it too. I have never been with anyone where feelings were even close to mutual
Sivok Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 It very much depends, Confused. Many people have different interpretations of what love is. For me, loving someone is getting a butterfly rush each time I see them. It's sitting in the same room and not wanting to be anywhere else in the world. My first girlfriend and I both felt that way about each other, and it was absolutely amazing. I would never want to be with someone again where I don't feel that way. Since then, however, it hasn't been mutual. Having experienced what it's like to be that deeply in love with somebody, and knowing what it's like when somebody's deeply in love with you, I feel it's very easy to tell just from speech and body language cues. I was in love with one girl after my first. She didn't feel the same. I dated another girl who i really liked, but she was in love with me, and I could see the signs. To answer your question, yes, there is such a thing where both parties simply don't feel the same degree of passion for each other. The recipe is a great mutual emotional and sexual connection.
waynebrady Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Men always loves the woman more than the woman loves the man. And isn't this how you women want it anyway? It gives you the upper hand if the guy loves you more.... To be frank I doub't women are even capable to love a man as much as a man can love a woman, in order to do that you must actually want it and it's obvious women want to love the man as little as possible. No offence but this is just as I see it after having seen what women have said... It defenitley seems like you actually want the man to love you alot more than you love him.
zengirl Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 It's a very common theme in Dorothy Parker's writing, and I always believed it to be true -- one must love more, one must love less, and it was better to be the one who loves the least -- but that was when my love life was horrible, so not a belief I recommend, really. We choose what we believe, and they shape our lives more than what's true. A friend of mine recently told me it's "very clear her boyfriend loves her more than she loves him." To me, this signals it is time for a SERIOUS look at the relationship. To her, it was casual and she may as well have been discussing what she had for breakfast. I think the bigger issue is her being so aware of it and discussing it, as she does, not the concept. I may be naive, but I was truly under the impression that in an adult relationship, both partners loved equally. The very notion of measuring 'love' is problematic. I believe that calculation will be the death of any interpersonal relationship (romantic or otherwise), personally. Absolute equality, measuring out of each little thing -- tit for tat, make sure it's even, oh, no! -- is not love. A few years ago, I adopted a policy of "No calculation" with my loved ones. Basically what that means is that anything I do or feel for/give to someone else, I do or feel or give freely, without reciprocal expectation. I also receive freely, without feeling pressure to give it back "equally." I don't calculate -- well, I did this, so it's his turn to do that -- because (a) it's not fun, (b) it doesn't foster intimacy, and © it's not really about keeping score. This is not to say that if someone isn't making me happy or meeting my outside expectations -- the way I always expect/want to be treated and feel in a relationship, friendship, whatever -- that I don't assess the situation in an intelligent way. But once I establish and re-establish that yes, they are my SO/my friend/my close family on good terms, etc, then I give freely, and without worrying, "What will I get?" If I'm ever simply not getting enough in general from them, I can alter or sever the relationship and deal with that. But without making it a mental spreadsheet.
northern_sky Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 It's a very common theme in Dorothy Parker's writing, and I always believed it to be true -- one must love more, one must love less, and it was better to be the one who loves the least -- but that was when my love life was horrible, so not a belief I recommend, really. We choose what we believe, and they shape our lives more than what's true. Also common theme in Carson McCuller's writing. But she believed most people preferred to be the lover rather than the beloved
utterer of lies Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I'm interested in hearing what people have to say about this. Is someone supposed to love less? Do you know if you're the one loving less? I may be naive, but I was truly under the impression that in an adult relationship, both partners loved equally. Almost all couples have one person who is more attached ('loves more') than the other. Doesn't mean it's bound to fail.
denise_xo Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Also common theme in Carson McCuller's writing. But she believed most people preferred to be the lover rather than the beloved I agree with this - I'd prefer to be the lover.
somedude81 Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 The one who loves the least, has all the power. Simply because the one who loves the most, wants to make the other person happy and has the strongest desire to not let the relationship fall apart.
denise_xo Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 But the one who loves the most, has the wonderful feeling of really loving someone
waynebrady Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 But the one who loves the most, has the wonderful feeling of really loving someone Then how come all women prefer it when the man loves her more than she loves him?
denise_xo Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Then how come all women prefer it when the man loves her more than she loves him? How do you know that all women prefer that?
carhill Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Related thread Also, dependent upon psychology, feelings and actions can be divergent and obfuscate true perception of the quality of the 'love' being offered. IOW, for someone who doesn't feel love at the elemental levels of their psychology, but rather thinks it with their intellect, the recipient of that apparent love can be fooled by actions which seem to be loving but where there is no feeling behind the action. When such loving actions disappear like a light switch being turned off, there's your sign.
Jazzari Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 But the one who loves the most, has the wonderful feeling of really loving someone And all the pain of not having that feeling returned.
Ella whispers Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 It's not always the woman that is the one that loves the most. I have had it both ways and yes I prefer to love the least and have more power. But it's because when someone knows they have you, they can squash you. Women think ahead about their emotional well being while men look ahead for other things.
Saxis Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I've also had it both ways, and have to say that I've been pretty miserable in both situations. You eventually wish for returned love or to be with someone else...
waynebrady Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 It's not always the woman that is the one that loves the most. I have had it both ways and yes I prefer to love the least and have more power. But it's because when someone knows they have you, they can squash you. Women think ahead about their emotional well being while men look ahead for other things. You are correct, it is never the woman that is the one that loves the most. Women are not capable of loving a man as strongly as a man can love a woman.
denise_xo Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 You are correct, it is never the woman that is the one that loves the most. Women are not capable of loving a man as strongly as a man can love a woman. How do you know that?
waynebrady Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 How do you know that all women prefer that? From what I have seen women say and write on here. I could make a thread specificily about that and I'm fairly certain all women would say they would prefer it if the man loves her more than she loves him.
carhill Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Perhaps it is a function (the precept related in the thread I linked above) of a man's intrinsic nature of pursuit and of the woman to be pursued. In love, he is forever in pursuit of seeking her equal love and this motivates him. She feels safe and secure in his pursuit as this lessens the chance of him pursuing someone else, all else (meaning relationship health aspects) being equal. One potential
Saxis Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Perhaps it is a function (the precept related in the thread I linked above) of a man's intrinsic nature of pursuit and of the woman to be pursued. In love, he is forever in pursuit of seeking her equal love and this motivates him. She feels safe and secure in his pursuit as this lessens the chance of him pursuing someone else, all else (meaning relationship health aspects) being equal. One potential That sounds right on. Reversing genders, not so much: the guy is probably already pursuing someone else.
Lovelybird Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 It defenitley seems like you actually want the man to love you alot more than you love him. It is true, but wrong about women's capability of love
carhill Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 IME, that capability is most fully exercised in the love of children. Spouses, not so much. YMMV.
somedude81 Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Perhaps it is a function (the precept related in the thread I linked above) of a man's intrinsic nature of pursuit and of the woman to be pursued. In love, he is forever in pursuit of seeking her equal love and this motivates him. She feels safe and secure in his pursuit as this lessens the chance of him pursuing someone else, all else (meaning relationship health aspects) being equal. One potential And that's a terrible place for a man to be; always in pursuit of her love.
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