twixed Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Hello, I need some help. I feel like I've caught my bf of 1 year cheating on me through circumstantial evidence. I've never walked in on him or heard any overt conversations but the clues are adding up. We've become exclusively monogamous the first month we met and decided to give up the condoms. Three weeks ago I found a piece of a condom wrapper on the floor, "our" massage oil spilled all over the inside of the drawer, and two new condoms from a brand I've never seen before. Spooked, I decided to look in his emails to see if I could find anything there. He apparently had contacted a woman from craigslist, titled "w4m" in an attempt to set up a sexual encounter. I also found emails from amaturmatch.com, a sex singles website and with a little more digging I found his profile. It stated that he was looking for "one on one", "just naughty fun", and also, "group sex (3 or more). Specifically NSA. Lastly, we have a mutual friend that he used to date, before me. I casually asked him once why he no longer sees her (I was glad at the time since we wouldn't have had a R). He said a MM showed up and Mutual Friend really loves him. Our mutual friend has recently broken up with the MM and mutual friend is heartbroken and lonely. Since their break up, mutual friend has started an EA with my bf. She consistently texts him weekly asking if he'd like to go out to the bar, how his day was, etc. When they interact together while drunk, she gives bf full body hugs, thrusting her hips into his. She also makes comments (she thinks only he can hear) that she will see him Wednesday night. I've heard this more than once. I've found evidence that she's been there when I'm gone (I don't live with bf). Hes a horrible house cleaner and so leaves out her favorite wine glass she uses when over. I've also found women's clothes that don't belong to me thrown about the floor. They look like they are her style and would fit her. Completely shocked and thrown through the emotional ringer, I confronted him. He said that I have problems with trust, am a jealous maniac and should be locked up in a psycho ward. Specifically, about the amaturematch profile he at first lied and said that someone else posted that information about him. When I pointed out the very detailed intimate encounters he's posted, he finally came clean and said it was set up before he met me and never, ever uses it. When I asked about the EA and accused it of a PA, he became livid. He says I've dumped him and Mutual friend as friends and unfriended me on facebook. I asked to have a friendship there again a few days later and he honored it. He's threatening to leave me if I ask to see he cell phone and turns it off when he goes out to the bar without me. I don't hear from him until the next morning. He says that hes a "big boy" and already has a mother. I've explained time and again that it as to do with consideration and respect, but it falls on deaf ears. He tells me he loves me everyday, but is not "in love" with me. He also states that he misses me when I am not there. Also, since mutual friends break up with MM, BF has been very angry, hostile and uncompromising with me. Its really painful as I love this man and can't get my feelings for him out of my heart. My head says, "Run!" But my emotions are running me in. Am I compromising my morals being with someone who looks like they're cheating? Do you think BF is cheating? Thanks guys. -Twixed
PegNosePete Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I have only 2 words to say: DITCH THIS COMPLETE F**KING LOSER. OK that was a few more than 2, I was going to go with "ditch him" but I got a bit carried away. Sorry to be so harsh... He is cheating on you for sure. You have more red flags than the Chinese army. Just read back over your post and pretend you're reading somebody else's story. What would you think?! Not only is he cheating on you, he is doing it right in front of your eyes, leaving evidence lying around, not even trying to hide it. He must think you are completely blind. Calling you a jealous maniac who should be locked up in a psycho ward is reason enough to GET RID OF HIM even without the cheating! You should have more self-respect than that. Nobody should be treated that way. That is abusive behaviour. You sound like a nice trusting girl and you deserve much better than that. He tells me he loves me everyday, but is not "in love" with me -- this phrase is straight out of the cheater's handbook! It is the worst possible thing you can hear in a relationship. If this phrase is said to you then the relationship is most likely over. You will also need to be tested for STDs, although he may have used a condom there are some which that does not prevent, and you don't know that he was using a condom all the time.
Spark1111 Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Say, Buh-bye. He is not ready for a relationship as he is on Craig's list seeking naughty fun, allows his x to pursue him under your nose, and loves you but is not in love with you. He is trawling for his next conquest. You are simply his fall back girl. Give him a swift boot out the door and find a good man; one who is ready to have an exclusive relationship with you. You are being played.
northern_sky Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 and you're considering staying with him why? Here are a few colorful nouns to describe your bf: tool, dick, loser, arse, cheater, slut, dufus, moron... get the picture?
Author twixed Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Thank you PegNosePete, Spark1111, and Northern Sky. Youre responses really shed a lot of light for me. Its so hard to let go. Why is it so hard to tell my heart what my head knows is true?
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Completely shocked and thrown through the emotional ringer, I confronted him. He said that I have problems with trust, am a jealous maniac and should be locked up in a psycho ward. ^^THIS^^ is reason enough to break up with him and never see or speak to him ever again. Such venom, disrespect! How telling is his reaction? To make you look like the crazy one and say such horrible things to you. I am telling you, listen to your gut. The evidence is there, the way he is treating you and the fact the guy is a complete and utter A-HOLE! Don't waste another minute on him. Dump him, you deserve better!!
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Its so hard to let go. Why is it so hard to tell my heart what my head knows is true Because you love him. You care and you have a big heart. Don't confuse what you feel for him about WHO he truly is. It'll hurt and you'll be sad for a while, but I think you know deep down what needs to be done. Sorry that you're hurting.
Author twixed Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 I really think you hit the nail on it's head Whichwayisup. Thank you. It's going to take a long time to get over this one, regardless of who he really is. I think talking about it on LS and reading the wisdom packed responses help the reality of the situation "sink in" for me. There was another thing that he did that I forgot to mention and it also added to my suspicions. Every time before we became intimate, since Mutual friend lost her MM A, he would insist on taking a shower. Is this probably evidence of cheating too? I'm attempting NC with him. Its really tough but maybe the only way I can heal from the devastation. It seems to help. I'm so terribly lonely though.
PegNosePete Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I don't think showering before sex is a sign of cheating. But a sudden change in behaviour can be, like if he never used to shower before, but suddenly starts. Yes NC is the best way to heal, it is tough but having contact is tougher in the long-run. You need to get out there and do things that interest you, get back to doing the things you like, take up new things. Work on yourself.
Author twixed Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 I just remembered another instance that might be a sign he's cheating. I found an "encripted" email to him from a woman named "J" who asked if he was going to the 20 year high school reunion back in may. He responded with a resounding yes and she replied with multiple happy faces. Fast forward a couple months to their hs reunion (at a posh hotel) where I met a couple of his lady friends, one who had the deepest plunging neckline I had ever seen. Her name started with a J also. Not knowing anyone, I became tired and went back to our hotel room. He said he would be back to our room in an hour. TWO and a half hours later without ANY response, after I had called him 7 times and as well as texting multiple times (as well as searched for him at the party downstairs) he finally comes back! He said he was with J in her hotel room!! "What?!", I said. He responded that he was with her husband too. I have a really hard time buying this. Do you think he was cheating?
xpaperxcutx Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 How about instead of looking for more clues, you start teaching yourself to say goodbye in Japanese? Sayonora!!!!!!!! Seriously a little pain and heartbreak now is more welcoming than to live with a b-stard who has no respect for you as a human being or as a girlfriend.
Author twixed Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 How about instead of looking for more clues, you start teaching yourself to say goodbye in Japanese? Sayonora!!!!!!!! Seriously a little pain and heartbreak now is more welcoming than to live with a b-stard who has no respect for you as a human being or as a girlfriend. Thank you Xpaperxcutx. But it is really REALLY difficult to let go of this one. No one has ever loved me so much as him during the first 4 months of our relationship. I am in love with him, and I know that now. I left him for a week after my first post but I couldn't stand it. I was hoping for a barrel of a gun in my mouth, even though I don't own one or know anyone how has. I think I need professional help in getting away from him. He is everything to me and I feel like I am being destroyed because of it. Part of me says I don't want to leave because I'm tired of searching, dating, not knowing and being alone. I hate the meat markets and its so hard because we share ALL of my friends. He's convinced them that I am a jealous b#%^* and I have issues with trust. OMG I am so screwed!
Brokenlady Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Twisted, It's been a long time since those first few months he treated you well, and it isn't likely that those days are coming back. He's got you hooked now, so he doesn't have to play gentleman anymore. It's predatory. He's exploiting your vulnerabilities and emotionally abusing you. Trying to gaslight you into believing you are being unreasonable is abusive. The desperation in your last post concerns me very much. No man, let alone this abusive man is your reason for living. It sounds like you lost yourself in the relationship and I really think some therapy may help you find you again, and get through this terrible time. Being alone has to be better than being treated like crap. And he's not even reciprocating your love. Is this realtionship meeting any of your needs at all? It's concerning that you're convinced you can't find anyone better. Its just that you can't see things the way they really are because you're still in it. Can you take a week or even a weekend away from him just to sort things out?
chewbaca Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I don't usually post on forums, but when I saw this post I just had to reply. He sounds like a loser and there are better men out there. But if you want to learn for sure, do what I did . I got this fantastic book. "Catch Your Cheating Spouse" @ http://www.brendasebooks.com. My friend gave me that info. I will not be made a fool of again! Check out all clues and make sure you are seeing these correctly. I hope your able to work this out.
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