Sonolumino Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Go get laid. It does wonders. Also, I got texts today from two friends back home who went out of their way to tell me what an ******* my ex's new bf is. Apparently he was very rude and disrespectful to them the whole time they were in his company. It's been a great few days. Hope everyone is doing well/better. Seriously though, get laid. It helps.
BlindRage Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I don't think getting "laid" would be the answer to our problems.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 It depends on just what the purpose of the relationship was. I think for most here .... it was never about getting laid and nothing more. Though it certainly helps the ego to know you are wanted at least on that level.
LifeIsGreat Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Go get laid. It does wonders. Also, I got texts today from two friends back home who went out of their way to tell me what an ******* my ex's new bf is. Apparently he was very rude and disrespectful to them the whole time they were in his company. It's been a great few days. Hope everyone is doing well/better. Seriously though, get laid. It helps. First of all, are you a guy? If so, I totally agree. Remember, during NC you're supposed to be doing what makes YOU happy. I don't know about the rest of you, but a good f)ck makes me VERY happy. I remember 5 yrs ago when my wife left me.... I read somewhere that 'transitional' relationships can really help you to heal. Within 4-5 months I had me a sweet transitional relationship that lasted for about 1 yr. Yes, it did help and I NEVER made any promises to that women, never told her I loved her, and was very up front about what was going on. We had a blast!!! Sex was the best I ever had. Had a chance to do some of the really freaky things I always wanted to do, but wouldn't do with a woman I loved. We traveled, played music together, had a blast. Yes, it helped. Now that I think about it, nobody here on LS ever talks about using a transitional relationship. Think I may start my own thread on this.
radiodarcy Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 (edited) if i were to try hooking up - - esp right now - - i'd wind up sticking to the guy like crazy glue, whether i liked him or not. lonely & dejected + vulnerable = clingy. but clingy is just what i've been for these past two years. and with two months of NC under my belt, i'm finally starting to feel like me again. nevertheless, for me to enter into a hook up situation would be foolhardy. besides i need an emotional connection to get laid. and i don't feel like undergoing the work i'd have to do in order to make that happen. i mean - - if someone thinks they can handle a situation like that and not get emotionally involved, more power to them. that's not me though. Edited January 13, 2011 by radiodarcy
comethemorning Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Now that I think about it, nobody here on LS ever talks about using a transitional relationship. Think I may start my own thread on this. Actually, in another thread (I think on the Sep/Divorce board), I did mention that I had one of those A whole thread would certainly be entertaining, if nothing else... (and I am female - so it is not just a 'male' phenomenon) Peace.
Author Sonolumino Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Of course getting laid isn't the answer to the problems. But I've dealt with feelings of intense grief and heartache for 4 months now, and I finally got to a point where I thought it would be ok to get back out there, even for something silly like a one night stand. It's a meaningless, fun way of stroking your ego, and (at least for me) has helped remove some of the hurt. Obviously I'm not completely over it yet, but using a transitional fling to help the healing process (IF AND ONLY IF BOTH PARTIES ARE IN AGREEMENT) shouldn't be dismissed. Granted, real healing comes from within, and you can't substitute that with anything. That's not what I'm saying here. All I'm saying is that it's a fun and easy way to make yourself feel temporarily better, and help the ego to heal a bit.
TheUnthoughtKnown Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Of course getting laid isn't the answer to the problems. But I've dealt with feelings of intense grief and heartache for 4 months now, and I finally got to a point where I thought it would be ok to get back out there, even for something silly like a one night stand. It's a meaningless, fun way of stroking your ego, and (at least for me) has helped remove some of the hurt. Obviously I'm not completely over it yet, but using a transitional fling to help the healing process (IF AND ONLY IF BOTH PARTIES ARE IN AGREEMENT) shouldn't be dismissed. Granted, real healing comes from within, and you can't substitute that with anything. That's not what I'm saying here. All I'm saying is that it's a fun and easy way to make yourself feel temporarily better, and help the ego to heal a bit. Good to see you again Sono, hows things? I sort of agree with you there. I've had a fair few nights under the sheets since my break up 10 months ago. It's more an instant gratification thing as opposed to something which might work in the long run. It would help with the confidence, absolutely. And you will feel better for a period of time. But sex solely for the sake of sex doesn't help. At least I have found that it doesn't. I've slept with girls I had no interest in just so I could "keep up" with my ex, so to speak, because knowing her she'd already have bedded a guy or two in the ten months since our break up and no way was I going to be the one left behind. Still it didn't solve the problem. She's ever-present in my mind on certain days and no matter how many women I sleep with, nothing will change that unless I happen to run into that one women I have real, genuine, deep feelings for. I would hope in that instance that I would leave the memories of my ex behind and begin to create new ones with someone else. My own opinion is that to get over someone, take them off that pedestal. It's just like that. I think a lot of the grief stems from believing this person is "The One" and that there is no one else like them. I am having trouble dislodging my ex from that high pedestal, because I haven't found a woman who I believe to have come close to matching the kind of personality she had.
Author Sonolumino Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Good to see you again Sono, hows things? I sort of agree with you there. I've had a fair few nights under the sheets since my break up 10 months ago. It's more an instant gratification thing as opposed to something which might work in the long run. It would help with the confidence, absolutely. And you will feel better for a period of time. But sex solely for the sake of sex doesn't help. At least I have found that it doesn't. I've slept with girls I had no interest in just so I could "keep up" with my ex, so to speak, because knowing her she'd already have bedded a guy or two in the ten months since our break up and no way was I going to be the one left behind. Still it didn't solve the problem. She's ever-present in my mind on certain days and no matter how many women I sleep with, nothing will change that unless I happen to run into that one women I have real, genuine, deep feelings for. I would hope in that instance that I would leave the memories of my ex behind and begin to create new ones with someone else. My own opinion is that to get over someone, take them off that pedestal. It's just like that. I think a lot of the grief stems from believing this person is "The One" and that there is no one else like them. I am having trouble dislodging my ex from that high pedestal, because I haven't found a woman who I believe to have come close to matching the kind of personality she had. Thanks TheUnknownthoughtKnown, good to see you too, I've been doing much better, thanks. How are things for you? Any progress made? And yes of course, taking someone off of that pedestal in your mind is the only way to get over them truly. And you're right, sex for the sake of sex doesn't help, but I don't think it should be used in that way. Having good sex with someone with no strings attached obviously isn't going to be a cure for anything other than a bruised ego. The ego is badly damaged in any breakup, which is why I think people have such a hard time getting over it. The combination of ego hurt, loss of the person, loss of a perceived future, loss of friendship, and being rejected all take a toll on someone's psyche. I think of this (and other one night stands) as another tool to heal the bruised ego aspect of a breakup. Much like taking up a new hobby occupies the mind but doesn't actually heal, having meaningless sex with a stranger helps satisfy a sexual and ego want but doesn't actually heal. There are people I know that go out after a breakup and have sex with 10-15 people in a failed attempt to get over their ex's. Obviously this will never and can never work, just as simply "occupying your mind" won't cause you to truly deal with the feelings of loss/pain/guilt. In short, one night stands (at least to me) are a "distraction" on par with taking up a new hobby or using another aid as a means of occupying the mind. But, I doubt there is another distraction out there as much fun as a one night stand. At the heart of NC, and at the heart of healing from a breakup in general, there has to be self-introspection. Time will not heal all your wounds if you don't take the steps necessary to allow it to do it's job. If you want to come out of this a better and stronger person, you have to take a hard look at yourself, your faults, what you contributed to the breakup, what they contributed to the break up, take them off of the pedestal, and keep having that relentless self-improvement. If you can use things such as one night stands, hobbies, the gym, reading, etc., to give you a nice distraction at times, then I say go for it, just don't expect those things to heal you.
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